Boyfriend's new partner is pretty much the opposite of me in every way

B

Bells

New member
Ok so I have mentioned I am new to this, still feeling out the whole thing deciding if this really for me or not. Anyways my primary boyfriend is seeing a new girl, I have met her a few times, we get along good, things are really comfortable the times the three of us have hung out. Part of me thinks it is fantastic that she is the complete opposite of me, that it would create some type of balance. However because I am new to this and sort of freaking out about every little thing part of me is really worried that because she is so different my boyfriend might decide she is really more his type then I am.

Basically what I am wondering is, if it is common for other partners to be extremely different from each other?

My other partner is obviously a different than my boyfriend (they are different people lol) but they are not so drastically different from one another, I like a certain type of person and to me I see tons of similarities between the two of them. Unlike me and the other girl who while we have a few things in common I see a world of differences.
 
Sure. Everyone is different. Sometimes blaringly obviously, sometimes not.

My two live in loves are very similar in many ways, but also completely different in other ways. What you might not see is how you might be similar to your metamour. It will unfold in time I should think.
 
Redpepper makes a good point. In the last triad I was involved with my gf insisted on focusing on the differences between us instead of the similarities. The similarities were more subtle, but definitely there. She never gave us a chance to explore them.

What's more her husband celebrated our differences. She is arty and I am intellectual. She inspired both of us with big ideas, but he and I together were able to make some of those big ideas happen. It could have been an ideal situation. However, she started down the road of fearing I was a better mate for her husband than she was. It ruined us. She couldn't see we were all stronger together.

Granted, I know you are not talking about a triad situation, but just as you can't give to your bf what she can, likewise she can't give him what you can. Your bf probably feels remarkably fulfilled between the two of you.
 
bookbug said:
Granted, I know you are not talking about a triad situation, but just as you can't give to your bf what she can, likewise she can't give him what you can. Your bf probably feels remarkably fulfilled between the two of you.
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I live in a vee with my husband and boyfriend (emotional triad). I have a girlfriend too that lives with her husband. She is similar to my boyfriend in many ways actually. All three are different and similar in different ways. What remains clear to me is that we all have similar values. That is most important to me.
 
It is essential for my two men to know that they are just so different from each other. They find comfort in the traits that are special to them because they can clearly see why I like this or that about them and not the other one. If they would have been too similar especially in the beginning my boyfriend would have had problems believing me that he was special to me.

Of course they are similar in many ways as well, but a person is a person because of the personal quirks and twists that make you yourself. Don't mind the other person being different, it could be something that helps showing off even more how special you are.
 
Phy said:
It is essential for my two men to know that they are just so different from each other. They find comfort in the traits that are special to them because they can clearly see why I like this or that about them and not the other one. If they would have been too similar especially in the beginning my boyfriend would have had problems believing me that he was special to me.

Of course they are similar in many ways as well, but a person is a person because of the personal quirks and twists that make you yourself. Don't mind the other person being different, it could be something that helps showing off even more how special you are.
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After thinking about this thread, I had intended to hypothesize much of what you're experiencing in life. I would think that if the two people involved were very alike, how would either of them know what made them special to you?
 
Honestly, in my case, I couldn't imagine two persons being that much alike that I won't find special traits of theirs at all. I can't imagine a person being this much like another, that there isn't some kind of characteristic special to that human alone.

I never found those copycat-best-buddy friends, who like exactly the same things or get orgasmic scream attacks because of some cute animal or whatever, to be appealing. (Sorry for this, was the first image that came to mind when thinking about everyday stuff.) I don't think that this would work partner-wise as well. Because even if there was a man looking like my husband, likes doing the same things, loves the same music, talks in a similar way and has a hundred similar traits, there has be something that distinguishes those two. If I would find that peculiar trait appealing (as I find the special traits of my husband appealing) I could fall for that person, but I wouldn't as long as there wasn't more than just the similarities he shared with him. That's what I call personality.

I hope that makes sense, the hypothetical 'they are so alike' doesn't exist, if you ask me.
 
similar sitch

Hey
I'm actually in a similar situation myself. It's interesting because I tend to focus on bringing out the emotional and sensitive side of my boyfriend because I really value that and I enjoy bonding with him over that. His girlfriend brings out the super intellectual/emotionally void side of him. They have purely intellectual conversations, based on logic and facts and intellectual pursuits. Honestly, I feel disconnected and completely disengaged and uninterested in those kinds of conversations, because they don't engage the whole of my experiences-- spiritual, emotional, and intellectual.

What my boyfriend and I have slowly learned is that we connect with each other on different levels from what we connect with in other people. He needs his friends and his girlfriend to engage and "play" with that completely intellectual realm, whereas with me, I bond with him over sharing an emotional bond, because that's more meaningful to me.

It actually got us into trouble when he was constantly trying to engage me in purely theoretical conversations that I found were totally devoid of my own experiences and insights. I felt like he was never letting me take the lead or engage in topics of conversation that I wanted. I felt the need for space for silence between comments to give time for reflection, pulling insights from my emotional, spiritual, and intellectual experiences in order to engage with the topics at hand... he just wanted to have a purely theoretical conversation that didn't pull from the world of spirituality, reflection, emotion, or in any other ways that integrated my holistic experience with an intellectual topic.

What was interesting for us was learning that he needed to engage with me in a different way from his other friends and his girlfriend. He realised that for me to feel valued, listened, and that he was allowing me to take the lead and really engage in the things I'm interested in too, he needed to engage with me in different ways from which he engages his friends. I'm much more collaborative and reflective than he naturally is, or than his girlfriend is. So what added value to our relationship was the understanding that we value our relationships for different things. He can have that purely theoretical intellectual "play" with his friends and his girlfriend, so as to fulfill that aspect of himself. But bringing that into our relationship doesn't make sense for us, because I don't find it engaging or life-giving. What I find life-giving is collaboration, integration of experiences with insights, reflection, and questions that relate to the heart of who I am and what I value in life.

So yeah, it has definitely been my experience that my boyfriend and I are attracted to very different kinds of partners! But through acknowledging that and valuing what each person has to bring, we have really been able to re-affirm one another and value each other.
 
Other people have basically been saying "More differences make It easier to see how you're each special" so I'll flip it around and say fewer similarities make it easier to avoid direct comparisons and competition. :)
 
I avoid comparisons whenever I can. For me, each relationship is unique and should be seen in it's own context. It will fail or succeed on it's own merits. I certainly don't want my relationship to fail because of an insecurity on my part as it relates to my SO's other girlfriends. That would be the definition of self-defeating.

Does my brain make comparisons from time to time? Sure. But, like dirty thoughts in church, I try to bat them away. :)
 
Thanks guys, this actually really helped a lot. I think I was just feeling a bit insecure with everything. Hopefully with time that is going to tone down a bit.
 
Bells said:
Thanks guys, this actually really helped a lot. I think I was just feeling a bit insecure with everything. Hopefully with time that is going to tone down a bit.
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I stopped comparing about 2 weeks ago, so who am I to reply to this thread, but here is my 2 cents:

The comparison thing is difficult-- and I did it for the first month until I realized my fiance is with my polar opposite and it does not matter either way.

What I mean to say is-- if she was EXACTLY like me, that would not matter either.


I am totally insecure and I own it honestly. I also realized through this thread that I stopped looking for and finding similarities and differences in my fiance's g/f. In my defense, I think I was just trying to find answers in the differences. She is SO very different than me that it was easy to find what I was personally looking for in the comparison, but if she was the same as me-- my emotional pain would still be there. Nothing would change, even if she was my exact twin.

This is a journey, and at times, an emotional and painful journey but either way it really does not help me to compare myself to her. I will always loose.

CL
 
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