becoming "official"

L

LadyKatherine

New member
I feel kinda strange taking the plunge & asking for advice. But, after lurking around I figured I have nothing to lose. (Here goes my 3rd time writing this out.. nerves included.)

*Deep breath..Ok, a bit of background on our "situation."

To start : I dated my husbands friend before dating & then marrying him. (I was young, we dated a short time.) Then I met my husband via my then boyfriend. Fast forward 12 + years and I'm married to my ex's friend & we are both still good friends with him. (Confused, likely.) :D

He was in our wedding and has been a close person in our lives for a very long time. (my husband since he was in grade school) He was my first love & my first sexual experience.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years coming up this fall & will be soon approaching our 5th wedding anniversary. We are both very happy, but of course have always wanted the "spice" of a threesome. We had/have talked about it many times in the throws of passion & just a randomly joking fashion over the course of many years.

All the talking about it paid off... about 5 months ago we had a party and drank a bit of wine.. you can guess where things went. We started having the occasional threesomes with our friend. It only happens about once a month depending on the over all situation of the evening. Of course we are still pretty hush hush about it with our other friends, etc. I'm not one who would want to shout it from the roof tops at least for some time before knowing if there is something anyways. We hang out almost every weekend casually though. (Usually with other friends or it would likely be a little more of a relaxed hanging out every weekend.) We do hang out without having sex even with other friends aren't here.. That's not all we have as for a relationship. (and it feels good to admit my husband and i have a "relationship" with someone else) - A smile is upon my face right now having gotten that off my chest!

Anyways....

My dilemma is, how do i talk to them both about wanting to make things official.I'm about 97% sure our friend is not sleeping with anyone else, but haven't felt it to be my place to ask.... My biggest deal is keeping things physically safe. Thus me wanting to keep our "thing" exclusive & wanting to know about any other sexual activity that goes on with any of us. I don't think it's asking a lot to know if someone I am sleeping with is sleeping with anyone else.(As i would expect to tell them if I were.) I would like to know when he starts so I don't step on his toes and have to ask. Last we knew he wasn't really interested in seeing anyone else. We have talked in the past about if he were to date she would have to be cool with our arrangement & likely join. I don't want him not to date, but would like our situation to be established or fizzled before that happens. I feel that if we know where this goes by then perhaps he would just want to stick with it being the three of us as we all are happy now. OR this would give us all three the chance to date for someone who works with us as us & not just one of us. I know my husband would enjoy another female to interact with as would our, well, boyfriend? ;)

As you can see I'm quite confused, but don't want to waste time not just saying what I feel.

I don't know how to bring up to my husband that perhaps in the future having him move in with us is something I would enjoy. . or making a commitment together.

I don't feel this is a phase or just about sex. I deeply care for both of them. Of course my husband comes first, but I'm wanting to explore some possibilities that i think could really work for us. (I just don't know how to bring it up without my husband feeling weird.)

If anyone can please lend some kind advice that would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!
 
LadyKatherine said:
My dilemma is, how do i talk to them both about wanting to make things official.I'm about 97% sure our friend is not sleeping with anyone else, but haven't felt it to be my place to ask.... My biggest deal is keeping things physically safe. Thus me wanting to keep our "thing" exclusive & wanting to know about any other sexual activity that goes on with any of us. I don't think it's asking a lot to know if someone I am sleeping with is sleeping with anyone else.(As i would expect to tell them if I were.) I would like to know when he starts so I don't step on his toes and have to ask. Last we knew he wasn't really interested in seeing anyone else. We have talked in the past about if he were to date she would have to be cool with our arrangement & likely join. I don't want him not to date, but would like our situation to be established or fizzled before that happens. I feel that if we know where this goes by then perhaps he would just want to stick with it being the three of us as we all are happy now. OR this would give us all three the chance to date for someone who works with us as us & not just one of us. I know my husband would enjoy another female to interact with as would our, well, boyfriend? ;)
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Welcome!

It seems to me you have a bunch of questions. First, it seems like you want to know what is the nature of the relationship between you and your husband and your friend. You seem to want something more serious, more committed among the three of you. What would you want ideally? Do you want you and your husband and your friend to commit to each other in a serious relationship? Date no one outside of that? Do you know what your husband would want? Do you know what he would be comfortable with? And what about your friend? Would he want to be in a relationship with you and your husband and date no else? Is he ok with the occasional threesome or does he want something more serious with you, and maybe your husband? (You don't mention if your husband or friend are bi or have an interest in sex or relationships with other men so I am assuming that both are straight.) You're not going to know what each of the men want unless you ask, and you also need to think more about what you want.

Second, there is the related question of safer sex expectations and practices. I understand that you want to be as safe as possible. And you are right. It is not too much to ask, and know for sure if your sexual partner is having sex with others. It is certainly not too much to ask what his ideas of safer sex are, what amount of risk he is willing to handle, what safer sex practices he does. He should know this about you and your husband too.

However, unless all three of you agree to be exclusive with each other, don't ask your friend not to date, or not to date until your arrangement ends. It borders on too controlling. If he does start seeing someone else, of course, he should tell her and hopefully, she would be accepting. And if she is inclined to join in, that would be great. But having expectations that the women he dates should become part of your dynamic is a good way to drive potential girlfriends away.

Best of luck!
 
First off, congratulations on your relationship and on being able to post it here! It's quite heartwarming that it's something that was open and honest all along - you have a foundation from which to grow.

All I can tell you is what I prefer to do, and you can decide whether it's for you.

I would want to allocate some time to discuss the relationship. Set aside a block of time that all three of you can talk, undisturbed - phones off, etc. Alcohol or any other mind-alterating substances should not be involved.

I would allow each of you time to think about this stuff, because it's often not something folks think about consciously.

You need to each think about what you want out of the relationship, and what boundaries you need in order to make it work for you and be happy. And you need to priorities those requirements. A model that we use is to put them into one of three types "Needs" (non-negotiables that have to be in place for it to work), "Wants" (important things to you, but which you would be willing to give up if there were a good reason), and "Likes" (the nice-to-have things).

If you use this approach, the needs absolutely need to be met - if they can't be, then you're not going to make it work well. So those should be the first things you discuss before getting bogged down in the other stuff.

The types of topics that you may want to cover would be things like:

Sex: Fluid-bonding, exclusivity, who does it with whom, where does it happen, etc

Openness: Who gets told - family, friends, colleagues

Time: How is time for the various relationships going to be arranged, include in this time for each person alone ("me time").

Money: How are the finances going to work - who pays for vacations that not all of you take together.

Exclusivity: is it going to be just the three of you, or is it ok if another person is involved with one or more of you? If the latter then does everyone in the relationship have a say on who gets added in, or is it ok for everyone to "wing it".

Children: What are each person's goals when it comes to having children? or, if you have kids, who looks after them. (and how much do they get told)

There are many opinions about a lot of these issues within the poly community, based on individuals desires and preferences - there are no "right answers", in spite of some wanting to convince you otherwise. You folks need to set up the relationship that is right for you three.

The feeling that the three of you are working together on common shared goals, and supporting each other in individual goals is, for me, a foundation of a great relationship.

And this isn't a one-off deal, either - once set up, it's important to have periodic reviews - has anything changed in terms of our lives or what our needs, wants and likes are. It's too easy to lose this in the hustle of everyday life, so having even half an hour to chat once a quarter is fine.

I hope that this has helped a little. Please ask questions if you like.
 
Thank you both so much for replying. I think I will sit down with them the next time we are alone together. I had originally thought about talking to them one on one, but I guess I need to just bite the bullet and get on with it.

Both the guys are straight, but aren't scared of each other, if that makes sense? I don't think there is much likelihood that it would change, however, if it did, I would accept that, again, with the understanding rule that we always know/ok who we are involved with.

I most definitely don't want our friend to feel that he cannot date. It's extremely odd how not jealous I would feel about that. In a weird way it would be nice for my husband to have a connection with her too. I don't want our friend to feel trapped or like he is being controlled. He is someone we both love. I don't really know how to accurately say what I'm trying to. Anyways, I have my husband & my husband has me, so naturally I want our friend to feel he has that too. (Whether it be with us or someone else.) With us, it's kinda nice how alike, yet different we all are. We each have things in common with one another, yet other things that we each like with one another without the other person.

Well, I will keep you posted how our story unfolds or fizzles. I really hope things work out because I really think this may be the lifestyle for us. I'm just trying hard to keep my head out of the clouds & keep things slow.
 
My red flag is the having other females come in and that if your friend were to date she would have to join. It sounds controlling and possessive. Not to mention completely unappealing for most women.

I have some concern about hubby coming first yet the bf has all these restrictions. I am not a fan of heirarchies personally. No one comes first in my emotional life. I have a bf that is just as important as my husband and I don't think one or the other deserves more or less boundaries according to my marriage vows.

I think as long as bf is keeping clean he should be made to feel free to go and find anyone he wants to have sex with and have a relationship with outside of your relationship. You don't own him. I think it would be kind and considerate if he kept you up to date, but really, that's about it. He can love you and what you have and have his own life no? After all, you do.
 
I hope that you enjoy the journey!

As to hierarchies and open or closed, like I said before, different people have their views, some stronger than others. I firmly believe that it's very important to find out what is going to work for you three and what will make you all feel happy and fulfilled.

Get an idea of the possibilities that are here in different people "polycules" and take what you like to make your own.
 
As far as exclusivity goes, or imagining the possibilities of a quad, try not to put the structure of what you might like ahead of the people. What's been your friend's dating behavior in the past? Is he a serial monogamish? Does he date a lot without forming many long term relationships? Does he date open minded people, conservative people? Do you like the people he dates?

If you want this connection to continue and deepen, find out from your friend how he can envision that working for him. How can he fit you into his life? Think about how different this might be from the way you've been thinking of fitting him into your life.

It sounds like you have the beginning of a very good thing. Try to recognize that you've got a great seat here, the center of attention and affection. Try to see things from the perspectives of your partners.
 
redpepper said:
You don't own him. I think it would be kind and considerate if he kept you up to date, but really, that's about it. He can love you and what you have and have his own life no? After all, you do.
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That.


And I'm also not fond of hierarchies. I too love two men in my life, husband and boyfriend, and they're both equally important to me even if the relationships I have with them are different. Good luck in finding your way :)
 
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