IndieSolo
Active member
Well, it does sound like a handy distraction to keep you from focusing on your own relationships.
Couple-hunting in Unicornia
- Thread starter BlackUnicorn
- Start date
Well, it does sound like a handy distraction to keep you from focusing on your own relationships.
BlackUnicorn
New member
Not nearly enough info to know the likelihood of stuff "blowing-up" - so much (everything?) depends on the people involved. Dude moved in with us from essentially day one (maybe before). Made it through the first year okay and all relationships are growing stronger...you never know
JaneQ
I hear you. This quad doesn't have the benefit of everyone being friends beforehand, but like said, you never know. I don't actually know this girl very well, and it's none of my concern really.
Well, it does sound like a handy distraction to keep you from focusing on your own relationships.
So true
. And I don't really need distractions. I have two jobs, an unfinished thesis, two book projects, training trallallaaa, oh did I mention therapy! I'm going to stay so far away from everyone else's poly shit as possible.
BlackUnicorn
New member
Just wanted to speed update: I think something really moved forward last night with Vanilla. We were able to discuss her sex addiction, why it bothers her, what possibly could be done to alleviate the burden it places on her and our relationship, and finished with a plan to move forward.
BlackUnicorn
New member
Boundary patrol
Through talking to a multitude of people from all walks of life, I'm becoming gradually more aware of what my particular boundaries are when it comes to my relationship with Vanilla vis-a-vis poly. I feel that why I am definitely not a vanilla at least most of the time, I'm no liquorice either. I need to be able to draw boundaries around which kink activities are okay in our relationship and how much Vanilla's other kinky activities can affect our relationship.
We are taking a break from sex right now. Vanilla's bruising from last weekend's kink party is such that it makes me want to puke if I accidentally catch a glimpse of that. It brings to mind pictures of torture victims I've seen - def not a turn-on. I've requested she wear something to cover them up when at home so I don't have to feel constantly vaguely nauseous. I feel good about this particular boundary and my ability to ask for it and enforce it.
Through talking to a multitude of people from all walks of life, I'm becoming gradually more aware of what my particular boundaries are when it comes to my relationship with Vanilla vis-a-vis poly. I feel that why I am definitely not a vanilla at least most of the time, I'm no liquorice either. I need to be able to draw boundaries around which kink activities are okay in our relationship and how much Vanilla's other kinky activities can affect our relationship.
We are taking a break from sex right now. Vanilla's bruising from last weekend's kink party is such that it makes me want to puke if I accidentally catch a glimpse of that. It brings to mind pictures of torture victims I've seen - def not a turn-on. I've requested she wear something to cover them up when at home so I don't have to feel constantly vaguely nauseous. I feel good about this particular boundary and my ability to ask for it and enforce it.
BlackUnicorn
New member
Growing pains
Is what I'm having right now.
Yesterday night Vanilla came to bed and confessed to having found a lump besides her cervix. It freaked me out (mum, cancer, remember?). I asked if she wanted to make an appointment to see the doctor herself or if I should do it. She asked me to do it.
So I did, and got her an appointment at the early afternoon. So I called her and told her when her appointment woul be (four hours later at that point). I called her again two hours prior to the doctor to make sure she had woken up and taken a shower and was getting ready.
20 mins before we had scheduled to meet, I had already left work to be there on time. She texts me that she was late from the bus and will only make it there at the precise time her appointment was supposed to start. I call her and ask what the heck. She offers a variety of excuses -the next bus was five minutes late, she was only 30 seconds late for the bus she was supposed to take, she thought the appointment was five minutes later, she couldn't take the taxi because she had no money, the money I gave her was needed for food, she hadn't yet gone to the store but would go later today...
(Turns out the lump was NORMAL. We weren't the first ladies to come to the doctor all freaked about our cervixes, which are naturally pourous and lumpy around the opening. We both have HPV and cellular abnormalities, plus it was two years since Vanilla's last smear test, so I was worried. Thank God it's alright.)
After we get out of the doctor's office, Vanilla claims that I was overreacting and that she knew all the time it wasn't serious. Excuses, justifications, defences. She's been living off the money I give her lately, because she lost her wallet. It's inside the house. Why hasn't she found it? Because the house is such a mess, and she's too tired and achy to look for it. (Today she did manage to go to the bank to get some money for herself, which was unexpected and gave me some hope).
We have an ongoing discussion on my contribution to our household. I feel I can't work two jobs and be expected to carry out half the housework, especially since I'm barely there and she's at home all day every day. I don't have the time to make a mess! When she cooks, eats, does thing x, she can't move a single item to the trash. Empty wrappers and left-overs just end up on the floor, where the cats make a mess of them. I cleaned what remained of her several day old pizza left-overs that the cats had a field-day with, and my reward was that she complained that I don't even do the one thing that's supposed to be all my responsibility - the dishes.
She has known Chip for two weeks, and sees him more than she does me and communicates with him constantly, while I shouldn't bother her time with him by texting, since he gets upset. She cries how I don't understand how much she enjoys her bruises and how I don't accept her as she is, but although I have tried to initiate sex (by saying "I want to have sex tonight"), she hasn't been interested. She herself freaked about her bruising but now it has been turned upside down and it is me who has insisted she give up pain for a month. Her previous abusive dom Goblin, with whom she remains in close contact, convinced her that I am unreasonable to ask her to respect her own limits and boundaries by taking a break from intensive BDSM exploration and that as a masochist, pain is her basic need and no one, not even her, should try to control it.
Yesterday our sex attempt ended in tears because she was so upset about my recent hair cut. She sees me as controlling, impossible to please and demanding, and herself as a totally helpless victim of pain and impossible, incomprehensible demands. I listen to her and all I hear is how nothing is ever her fault, it's me or bus timetables or her evil psychiatrist or whatnot. Chip of course is above reproach, the only one who really understands her, he cannot be burdened by the day to day struggle of taking care of her, and his needs must be catered to at all times. He freaked out when he heard that Vanilla has HSV, and went on about how she had lead him on by saying that her test results were 'clean' (which they were, they don't test for HSV up here), which to his mind they were not. While he has around five gfs and is obviously to me a giant dick (not literally, he is quite small) who should be worried about how safe a partner he is, Vanilla is just worried that he is afraid of love, a delusion he is happy to cater to. BLARGH!!!11
I'm living and letting live. From now on I'll get my own food, do my own laundry, take care of my own appointments and live my own life. Vanilla doesn't want to be parented or nurtured or taken care of. Fine.
Is what I'm having right now.
Yesterday night Vanilla came to bed and confessed to having found a lump besides her cervix. It freaked me out (mum, cancer, remember?). I asked if she wanted to make an appointment to see the doctor herself or if I should do it. She asked me to do it.
So I did, and got her an appointment at the early afternoon. So I called her and told her when her appointment woul be (four hours later at that point). I called her again two hours prior to the doctor to make sure she had woken up and taken a shower and was getting ready.
20 mins before we had scheduled to meet, I had already left work to be there on time. She texts me that she was late from the bus and will only make it there at the precise time her appointment was supposed to start. I call her and ask what the heck. She offers a variety of excuses -the next bus was five minutes late, she was only 30 seconds late for the bus she was supposed to take, she thought the appointment was five minutes later, she couldn't take the taxi because she had no money, the money I gave her was needed for food, she hadn't yet gone to the store but would go later today...
(Turns out the lump was NORMAL
. We weren't the first ladies to come to the doctor all freaked about our cervixes, which are naturally pourous and lumpy around the opening. We both have HPV and cellular abnormalities, plus it was two years since Vanilla's last smear test, so I was worried. Thank God it's alright.)After we get out of the doctor's office, Vanilla claims that I was overreacting and that she knew all the time it wasn't serious. Excuses, justifications, defences. She's been living off the money I give her lately, because she lost her wallet. It's inside the house. Why hasn't she found it? Because the house is such a mess, and she's too tired and achy to look for it. (Today she did manage to go to the bank to get some money for herself, which was unexpected and gave me some hope).
We have an ongoing discussion on my contribution to our household. I feel I can't work two jobs and be expected to carry out half the housework, especially since I'm barely there and she's at home all day every day. I don't have the time to make a mess! When she cooks, eats, does thing x, she can't move a single item to the trash. Empty wrappers and left-overs just end up on the floor, where the cats make a mess of them. I cleaned what remained of her several day old pizza left-overs that the cats had a field-day with, and my reward was that she complained that I don't even do the one thing that's supposed to be all my responsibility - the dishes.
She has known Chip for two weeks, and sees him more than she does me and communicates with him constantly, while I shouldn't bother her time with him by texting, since he gets upset. She cries how I don't understand how much she enjoys her bruises and how I don't accept her as she is, but although I have tried to initiate sex (by saying "I want to have sex tonight"), she hasn't been interested. She herself freaked about her bruising but now it has been turned upside down and it is me who has insisted she give up pain for a month. Her previous abusive dom Goblin, with whom she remains in close contact, convinced her that I am unreasonable to ask her to respect her own limits and boundaries by taking a break from intensive BDSM exploration and that as a masochist, pain is her basic need and no one, not even her, should try to control it.
Yesterday our sex attempt ended in tears because she was so upset about my recent hair cut. She sees me as controlling, impossible to please and demanding, and herself as a totally helpless victim of pain and impossible, incomprehensible demands. I listen to her and all I hear is how nothing is ever her fault, it's me or bus timetables or her evil psychiatrist or whatnot. Chip of course is above reproach, the only one who really understands her, he cannot be burdened by the day to day struggle of taking care of her, and his needs must be catered to at all times. He freaked out when he heard that Vanilla has HSV, and went on about how she had lead him on by saying that her test results were 'clean' (which they were, they don't test for HSV up here), which to his mind they were not. While he has around five gfs and is obviously to me a giant dick (not literally, he is quite small) who should be worried about how safe a partner he is, Vanilla is just worried that he is afraid of love, a delusion he is happy to cater to. BLARGH!!!11
I'm living and letting live. From now on I'll get my own food, do my own laundry, take care of my own appointments and live my own life. Vanilla doesn't want to be parented or nurtured or taken care of. Fine.
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I need to remove your blog from my bookmarks and stop reading this. It's enough work for me to try to keep breathing at the moment (oh how I wish I could just stop), I can't take this shit publicly anymore. Hurts too much. You just don't even try to see how much I'm working to get things better and how I see things.
Oh and by the way, you're not gonna survive with your own laundry. You're never home to do it.
Oh and by the way, you're not gonna survive with your own laundry. You're never home to do it.
AnnabelMore
Active member
This is to both of you -- please know that all of us who read here care about you and aren't judging you. Please take your feelings seriously, especially any desire for self-harm. Check into the hospital for a few days if necessary. My mom checked herself into a mental health facility for a week a couple years back because she felt so hopeless and thank god she's ok and still with us now, wrote possibly because of that.
BrigidsDaughter
New member
Food for thought
I just wanted to touch on this point. I am a masochist and pain is a basic need of mine. I will get achy and cranky if I don't have it on a regular basis. Sometimes it is enough that my husband bites me or comes up behind me while I'm doing dishes and spanks me or that my boyfriend uses his nails during sex. Other times even that isn't enough. I participate in a boffer larp and a medieval combat sport in part because it guarantees that I get that need met at least once a week. I could live w/o D/s play, but not w/o pain. Not entirely, and most certainly not for a whole month.
I know you may not understand her kink or like how it affects your relationship; but in reality you may be asking her to stop being herself for your comfort. You have every right to have your boundaries, but she also has a right to have her needs met as well.
I just wanted to touch on this point. I am a masochist and pain is a basic need of mine. I will get achy and cranky if I don't have it on a regular basis. Sometimes it is enough that my husband bites me or comes up behind me while I'm doing dishes and spanks me or that my boyfriend uses his nails during sex. Other times even that isn't enough. I participate in a boffer larp and a medieval combat sport in part because it guarantees that I get that need met at least once a week. I could live w/o D/s play, but not w/o pain. Not entirely, and most certainly not for a whole month.
I know you may not understand her kink or like how it affects your relationship; but in reality you may be asking her to stop being herself for your comfort. You have every right to have your boundaries, but she also has a right to have her needs met as well.
BlackUnicorn
New member
Wallet found!
The day hospital thing isn't happening because Vanilla isn't feeling bad enough - she would basically have to attempt suicide or be diagnosable with something major to qualify for admission.
This is a good point - thank you, BD. I don't understand it, but I don't have to understand everything about her. The situation, to my knowledge, went something like this: she went for a smoke the night after the party, then came back to bed and confided in me that she was pretty freaked about the bruising and how her boundaries seem to be slipping away. We talked about that and I opinioned that feelings of anxiety and freak-outs that seemingly come from nowhere for no good reason are usually a sign of either 1) a traumatic stress response being triggered by reminders of the original traumatic event OR 2) an alarm clock that's going off to say that a boundary is being broken and the psyche isn't ready to deal with that.
I suggested that usually in such situations, and also to find out if you have an addiction vs. basic need, it's beneficial to withdraw from the activity which lead to the freak-out for a set amount of time. (For the record, I define addicition as a long-term craving for something that causes significant harm in at least two broad life arenas: while food is basic need of mine, I can go without food or settle for something that I don't particularly like, and I can regulate my food intake to a degree - after I'm full I don't continue to digest more). I suggested a month (could have been a week, taking into account the frequency of their meet-ups), but this was somehow misunderstood as me demanding that Vanilla take a month off from pain-inducing activities.
But happy news! When we discussed with Vanilla how we could enhance our communication and in concrete ways show that we care, I requested she take the time to look for her wallet. She did, and it is found! Stuff like that really helps me build confidence and trust in this relationship.
Oh and btw, I found a therapist who specializes in sex addiction and is willing to take Vanilla on as a patient. Happy that things are moving forward.
Baby steps, baby steps.
The day hospital thing isn't happening because Vanilla isn't feeling bad enough - she would basically have to attempt suicide or be diagnosable with something major to qualify for admission
.This is a good point - thank you, BD
. I don't understand it, but I don't have to understand everything about her. The situation, to my knowledge, went something like this: she went for a smoke the night after the party, then came back to bed and confided in me that she was pretty freaked about the bruising and how her boundaries seem to be slipping away. We talked about that and I opinioned that feelings of anxiety and freak-outs that seemingly come from nowhere for no good reason are usually a sign of either 1) a traumatic stress response being triggered by reminders of the original traumatic event OR 2) an alarm clock that's going off to say that a boundary is being broken and the psyche isn't ready to deal with that.I suggested that usually in such situations, and also to find out if you have an addiction vs. basic need, it's beneficial to withdraw from the activity which lead to the freak-out for a set amount of time. (For the record, I define addicition as a long-term craving for something that causes significant harm in at least two broad life arenas: while food is basic need of mine, I can go without food or settle for something that I don't particularly like, and I can regulate my food intake to a degree - after I'm full I don't continue to digest more). I suggested a month (could have been a week, taking into account the frequency of their meet-ups), but this was somehow misunderstood as me demanding that Vanilla take a month off from pain-inducing activities.
But happy news! When we discussed with Vanilla how we could enhance our communication and in concrete ways show that we care, I requested she take the time to look for her wallet. She did, and it is found!
Stuff like that really helps me build confidence and trust in this relationship.Oh and btw, I found a therapist who specializes in sex addiction and is willing to take Vanilla on as a patient. Happy that things are moving forward.
Baby steps, baby steps.
BlackUnicorn
New member
Bitter and unfair bitching below the belt
I've spent a little more time with Chip and wonder how exactly Vanilla sees that a change from Cookie to Chip is better.
A brief comparison between Cookie and Chip
1. Is hostile to women (check for both)
2. Is enthusiastic about game theory and how to trick women into sex (check for both)
3. Thinks men are ultimately at disadvantage to women and hence feels the need to protect his interests at all times when it comes to relationships (check for both)
4. Has inflexible political and lifestyle beliefs that defy reason, contrary evidence and change (check for both)
5. Has low self-esteem (check for both)
6. Has a pessimistic worldview where everyone is out to get them and they can rely on no one but themselves (check for both)
7. Thinks feelings, especially romantic feelings, are fishy and avoids them since they cloud reason and make him vulnerable (check for both)
8. Doesn't respect boundaries and presses on even after several requests to stop because he needs to prove he's right (check for both)
9. Thinks Vanilla is dirty (check for both)
10. Uses Vanilla for sex and easy submission (check for both)
Wow, these boys sure seem like peas in a pod! Human attraction is weird sometimes. I will stop now because Vanilla will read this and be angry because I don't know Chip and won't take the time to get to know him and his mother loves him very much etc.
I've spent a little more time with Chip and wonder how exactly Vanilla sees that a change from Cookie to Chip is better.
A brief comparison between Cookie and Chip
1. Is hostile to women (check for both)
2. Is enthusiastic about game theory and how to trick women into sex (check for both)
3. Thinks men are ultimately at disadvantage to women and hence feels the need to protect his interests at all times when it comes to relationships (check for both)
4. Has inflexible political and lifestyle beliefs that defy reason, contrary evidence and change (check for both)
5. Has low self-esteem (check for both)
6. Has a pessimistic worldview where everyone is out to get them and they can rely on no one but themselves (check for both)
7. Thinks feelings, especially romantic feelings, are fishy and avoids them since they cloud reason and make him vulnerable (check for both)
8. Doesn't respect boundaries and presses on even after several requests to stop because he needs to prove he's right (check for both)
9. Thinks Vanilla is dirty (check for both)
10. Uses Vanilla for sex and easy submission (check for both)
Wow, these boys sure seem like peas in a pod! Human attraction is weird sometimes. I will stop now because Vanilla will read this and be angry because I don't know Chip and won't take the time to get to know him and his mother loves him very much etc.
SNeacail
New member
Still in the end, it's her choice and the more you point out his flaws, the more she will fight back. It's always those that love us that can see when someone isn't good for us, LOOOOONG before we are willing to admit it or open our eyes to see what everyone else has been complaining about.
Don't allow the disrespect or hostility in your presence. Call him on it immediately. What goes on between them outside of your presence is their business. There needs to be an agreement between you and Vanilla about when you've been pushed too far and she needs to remove him from your home.
Assuming this goes on between you and him or in your presence, look up and learn more effective ways to bring a halt to a conversation or such. I know there are some things that can be done that are quite effective.
Maybe there are some older and more experienced persons in the S/M community that you and Vanilla can sit down and talk to and ask questions. Where is the line between play and abuse, how far is too far, etc?
Don't allow the disrespect or hostility in your presence. Call him on it immediately. What goes on between them outside of your presence is their business. There needs to be an agreement between you and Vanilla about when you've been pushed too far and she needs to remove him from your home.
Assuming this goes on between you and him or in your presence, look up and learn more effective ways to bring a halt to a conversation or such. I know there are some things that can be done that are quite effective.
Maybe there are some older and more experienced persons in the S/M community that you and Vanilla can sit down and talk to and ask questions. Where is the line between play and abuse, how far is too far, etc?
BlackUnicorn
New member
Actually, I don't engage with him on that level at all. It's Vanilla who asks him to stop pestering her with topics she doesn't want to talk about. This morning the big topic was politics, which Vanilla has no interest in at all. While I'm super-political person, I assume that if Vanilla wants to discuss a P topic, she will just bring it up, and of course if she asks, I'll briefly outline what I'm doing at any given moment. I appreciate hearing her viewpoints but don't usually feel the need to make her see my take on the matter at hand.
However, both Cookie and Chip have a way of pestering until the other person wears down and admits their defeat. If this doesn't happen, they conclude that the person they are talking to is a) stupid, b) ignorant, c) needs more convincing. While Vanilla kept on asking him to change the subject and told him several times that politics have no interest to her and she doesn't want to discuss it, he continued.
Thanks for the above advice. I'm hoping to make a contact with some people in the community, but so far the only person Vanilla opens up to about this is her abusive ex-dom, whom I don't trust to have her or our best interests at heart.
I haven't really viewed this as a BDSM issue, but more like general disrespect for other people. I don't think this is about powerplay to them but about being right, and it doesn't matter what the particular relationship form is. They go on and on about their pet topics online etc.
SNeacail
New member
Oh, they've been taking lessons from my mother - Did I say that out loud?
Again, this is her issue. If she doesn't like it, she can walk away. I know it's frustrating, but unless she is willing to take action to stop it, she shouldn't be complaining to you about it. This is where you need a boundary.
When she does start complaining, you can straight out ask her "Do you want my advice or are you just venting?" If she's just venting, you can determine if you can let her vent or if it's making you too upset and you need her to stop. Sometimes it helps to know what they need from you up front. Does she need a soldier to come to her defense and knock someone's teeth in or does she just need a shoulder to cry on.
It seems like it might be a BDSM issue (at least partially) for Vanilla. My thought was if you two did some research together... 1. you would gain a better understanding of her need 2. She would know you are trying to understand for her sake 3. You both can work together to keep each other in safe and healthy relationships.
BrigidsDaughter
New member
I agree, also, there are some "Doms" who feel the need to assert dominance in all situations, in part because of their status as dominant. I have a friend who considers himself the most dominant person in our social group to which other friends have laughed. He has alot of machismo, but my husband can use he dad voice on him and he'll sit down and shut up instantaneously.
BlackUnicorn
New member
All work no play
I haven't read my blog through. I suppose it would be fun and frustrating, but I don't feel like it's time for self-reflection quite now.
I recently asked a dear loving friend to read this blog. He did and commented on some parts. Vanilla has also commented that I only journal/blog when things are going not-so-well (a trait I share with the venerable Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien - I hope I'm never that famous).
I almost never write about my studies or work in here. I'm plenty identifiable as it is for people who know me, should they stumble upon this blog. A few people on these forums I've shared more personal information with and a few even know my real name. There are a bunch of people in here I would be happy to befriend on FB, for example - I'm not super-uptight about privacy. The privacy of people who figure heavily in my blog, mainly Vanilla, however, keeps me from adding personal pictures etc. to my profile, let alone from publishing them in here.
While there's a great deal of stuff I can never disclose in here, I'm not superhappy with this blog as it is, since it's mainly been for the last two months a depressing pile of shit. Not that I'm shit-averse or unwilling to deal with it, but I sometimes try to think why somebody else would like to read my blog - and it certainly isn't for the happy happy joy joy ambience it gives out lately.
So I've decided to post something a bit more generally relationship-py for every post on my personal stuff I publish. I do read a lot of useful stuff, work-related and personal interest, that I think might be of more general interest. So I'm beginning in the next post with a translation of an article by a sex therapist on (Not Only)Lesbian Bed Death.
I'll mark out clearly the personal from the general posts in the titles so people who are all public service or all dramarama-oriented and possibly reading this can skip the parts they are not interested in.
I haven't read my blog through. I suppose it would be fun and frustrating, but I don't feel like it's time for self-reflection quite now.
I recently asked a dear loving friend to read this blog. He did and commented on some parts. Vanilla has also commented that I only journal/blog when things are going not-so-well (a trait I share with the venerable Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien - I hope I'm never that famous).
I almost never write about my studies or work in here. I'm plenty identifiable as it is for people who know me, should they stumble upon this blog. A few people on these forums I've shared more personal information with and a few even know my real name. There are a bunch of people in here I would be happy to befriend on FB, for example - I'm not super-uptight about privacy. The privacy of people who figure heavily in my blog, mainly Vanilla, however, keeps me from adding personal pictures etc. to my profile, let alone from publishing them in here.
While there's a great deal of stuff I can never disclose in here, I'm not superhappy with this blog as it is, since it's mainly been for the last two months a depressing pile of shit. Not that I'm shit-averse or unwilling to deal with it, but I sometimes try to think why somebody else would like to read my blog - and it certainly isn't for the happy happy joy joy ambience it gives out lately.
So I've decided to post something a bit more generally relationship-py for every post on my personal stuff I publish. I do read a lot of useful stuff, work-related and personal interest, that I think might be of more general interest. So I'm beginning in the next post with a translation of an article by a sex therapist on (Not Only)Lesbian Bed Death.
I'll mark out clearly the personal from the general posts in the titles so people who are all public service or all dramarama-oriented and possibly reading this can skip the parts they are not interested in.
BlackUnicorn
New member
GENERAL: Yes, no, maybe? (translation)
Written by Mia Hemming, guest expert Leena Väisälä (gyneacologist, clinical sexologist, Bayer Inc), published in the Finnish magazine Hyvä Terveys (Good Health), issue 14/2011, pp. 58 - 59 (translation unauthorized and all mine)
Sex is everywhere - expect in one's very own bedroom. If your sex life has been put on a damper, you can either choose nostalgia or bringing on the heat again and heading in the direction of new pleasures.
1) Does sex eventually end in a relationship?
It's possible, but usually only when one partner falls seriously ill. Low desire, on the other hand, which affects the frequency of sex, is a very common problem in long-term relationships.
2) Is low desire solely women's problem?
No, but women have an easier time bringing it up with their gyneacologist. Men don't have a similar person to open up to. Men can talk about erectile dysfunction with their doctors, but have a harder time dealing with low desire.
There are also more women out there who are not familiar with their own sexual pleasure. It's not too long ago that our culture was still trying to repress feminine sexuality.
3) Why is it that in long-term relationships the partners don't always really desire each other?
There's thousand and one explanations for that. Sometimes the partners have a desire discrepancy; they have different hopes and expectations for sex and their relationship. Sex might have been instituonalized in that relationships in a form that bores one or both parties.
It's more often the case, however, that the partner who feels less desire also feels undervalued. They feel unheard and unlistened to.
Sometimes power struggles within the relationship can dampen desire for sex.
Being too close can affect desire levels negatively. The couple hasn't been able to move on beyond the symbiosis phase.
Sex as a mandatory chore kills desire, too. This is most often the case when the sex in the relationship happens because of an internalized norm of how frequent sex should be for the relationship to "do well".
4) Can low desire be caused by something outside of the relationship?
Setbacks on other areas of life can affect desire levels. Work-related stress, kids having issues or even just inequal distribution of housework so that everything is left to the responsibility of only one of the partners can suck out all the available energy. Sexuality can be affected equally by unhealthy living or mental health issues.
Low self-esteem can result in avoiding one's partner. If you don't like yourself and your body, it's difficult to get and stay close to your partner. Sometimes a woman who has a negative body image has inherited this attitude from her mother.
5) Is it problematic if a couple has sex infrequently?
If both are happy with the situatin, then everything's as it should be. Most people adapt to the fact that as the relationship matures and progresses, frequency of sex decreases. Sex can be substituted for by other hobbies which make life pleasurable.
We have to keep in mind that the beginning of a relationship is characterized by a really active and passionate sex life. The amount of sex decreases naturally from there. People who have been together for a long time are able to find other ways to be together.
6) So treatment is not necessary if you don't feel like it every night or morning or Sunday?
Absolutely not. Sex in a relationship shouldn't be assessed according to the amount but rather to the satisfaction levels of both parties. It's only a positive thing to have other pleasurable interests and activities in one's life. Wellbeing shouldn't only be dependent on sex.
There are phases in one's life when sex takes a back seat: when kids are young, or work is of primary importance. When things settle down, there's often more time to devote to sex, too.
Written by Mia Hemming, guest expert Leena Väisälä (gyneacologist, clinical sexologist, Bayer Inc), published in the Finnish magazine Hyvä Terveys (Good Health), issue 14/2011, pp. 58 - 59 (translation unauthorized and all mine)
Sex is everywhere - expect in one's very own bedroom. If your sex life has been put on a damper, you can either choose nostalgia or bringing on the heat again and heading in the direction of new pleasures.
1) Does sex eventually end in a relationship?
It's possible, but usually only when one partner falls seriously ill. Low desire, on the other hand, which affects the frequency of sex, is a very common problem in long-term relationships.
2) Is low desire solely women's problem?
No, but women have an easier time bringing it up with their gyneacologist. Men don't have a similar person to open up to. Men can talk about erectile dysfunction with their doctors, but have a harder time dealing with low desire.
There are also more women out there who are not familiar with their own sexual pleasure. It's not too long ago that our culture was still trying to repress feminine sexuality.
3) Why is it that in long-term relationships the partners don't always really desire each other?
There's thousand and one explanations for that. Sometimes the partners have a desire discrepancy; they have different hopes and expectations for sex and their relationship. Sex might have been instituonalized in that relationships in a form that bores one or both parties.
It's more often the case, however, that the partner who feels less desire also feels undervalued. They feel unheard and unlistened to.
Sometimes power struggles within the relationship can dampen desire for sex.
Being too close can affect desire levels negatively. The couple hasn't been able to move on beyond the symbiosis phase.
Sex as a mandatory chore kills desire, too. This is most often the case when the sex in the relationship happens because of an internalized norm of how frequent sex should be for the relationship to "do well".
4) Can low desire be caused by something outside of the relationship?
Setbacks on other areas of life can affect desire levels. Work-related stress, kids having issues or even just inequal distribution of housework so that everything is left to the responsibility of only one of the partners can suck out all the available energy. Sexuality can be affected equally by unhealthy living or mental health issues.
Low self-esteem can result in avoiding one's partner. If you don't like yourself and your body, it's difficult to get and stay close to your partner. Sometimes a woman who has a negative body image has inherited this attitude from her mother.
5) Is it problematic if a couple has sex infrequently?
If both are happy with the situatin, then everything's as it should be. Most people adapt to the fact that as the relationship matures and progresses, frequency of sex decreases. Sex can be substituted for by other hobbies which make life pleasurable.
We have to keep in mind that the beginning of a relationship is characterized by a really active and passionate sex life. The amount of sex decreases naturally from there. People who have been together for a long time are able to find other ways to be together.
6) So treatment is not necessary if you don't feel like it every night or morning or Sunday?
Absolutely not. Sex in a relationship shouldn't be assessed according to the amount but rather to the satisfaction levels of both parties. It's only a positive thing to have other pleasurable interests and activities in one's life. Wellbeing shouldn't only be dependent on sex.
There are phases in one's life when sex takes a back seat: when kids are young, or work is of primary importance. When things settle down, there's often more time to devote to sex, too.
BlackUnicorn
New member
GENERAL: Continued
7) If it's always one partner who desires less than the other, should they still agree to sex sometimes?
You should never do anything that feels unpleasant. If you engage in sexual interaction you don't like, it only serves to further kill the desire. If you only subject yourself to the other's desires, it's easy to end up feeling used. Women from earlier generations unfortunately have often agreed to sex as a way to fulfill their duties.
You should never pressure your partner into having sex. Whatever the situation, you must respect the other's right to self-determination.
On the other hand, the party who has lower desire could do things they know will arouse them. Both parties should take the responsibility for their own sexuality.
8) Does this mean you should only have sex when you really really want it?
Desire doesn't always arise just by thinking about sex, but can build-up for example through caresses. There's no harm in trying whether the spark is there or not. Sometimes it's good to call forth sexual excitement. You should know how to say both yes, no and maybe to sexual proposals.
9) Should the partner who has stronger desires give up sex alltogether?
On first aid basis, solo sex, making love to yourself, is a good start. Fantasies and caresses can lead up to a world of pleasure. It pays off to discuss frankly with your partner your needs and hopes, but without blaming. If the situation is not brought out into the open, it leads into looking for other partners and might be the end of the relationship.
10) Can a new relationship be a way to enhance your sex life?
Sometimes it can be. Sex can flourish with a new partner, at least in the early stages of the relationship. People who have totally opposite desire levels can be fooled into thinking that sex will sort itself out given time. This doesn't always come to pass, though.
If you have partnered off in very early life, chances are that you haven't been very self-aware. Later you realize that there's not very much you have in common with your mate. Finding your partner in middle-age can be a better thing for the duration of the relationship. Long-term relationships are always very challenging, for most people crave variety.
Changing partners however often is not the solution. Unsolved problems need to be dealt with in the new relationship, too.
11) If you don't want to change partners, what can you do to improve your sex life?
Open communication is the key, and is often enough on its own to get past some deadends. It pays off to think, for example, why sex used to be better before. It's okay to talk about your own wishes and desires and also to mark what doesn't turn you on.
Both partners need to take responsibility for their own enjoyment. Becoming aware of your needs helps a great deal. Telling your partner that they suck at making you happy isn't going to improve anything.
It's beneficial to read books on the subject or seek help from sexual councelling and therapy.
12) What can you do if you are the one who has lower desire?
You can take a look at your habits and lifestyle: they can be the direct cause of low desire. Listen to yourself: are you depressed or has some past trauma activated in your current life? The first order of business in such a situation is to take care of your mental health through therapy, for example, because low desire is just a symptom of wider suffering.
If low self-esteem is your particular poison, you don't have to settle to being unhappy with who you are. You can start belly-dancing or whatever helps you reconnect with your body. It's good to try out sexual councelling and therapy, too.
13) Is it worth it, trying to improve your sex life?
Everyone is worth sexual pleasure. All adults have the right to an active sex life. At it's best and brightest moments, sex serves as the glue that keeps the couple together. Why not give into some fun once in a while? Good sex gives you unbelievable amounts of strenght.
7) If it's always one partner who desires less than the other, should they still agree to sex sometimes?
You should never do anything that feels unpleasant. If you engage in sexual interaction you don't like, it only serves to further kill the desire. If you only subject yourself to the other's desires, it's easy to end up feeling used. Women from earlier generations unfortunately have often agreed to sex as a way to fulfill their duties.
You should never pressure your partner into having sex. Whatever the situation, you must respect the other's right to self-determination.
On the other hand, the party who has lower desire could do things they know will arouse them. Both parties should take the responsibility for their own sexuality.
8) Does this mean you should only have sex when you really really want it?
Desire doesn't always arise just by thinking about sex, but can build-up for example through caresses. There's no harm in trying whether the spark is there or not. Sometimes it's good to call forth sexual excitement. You should know how to say both yes, no and maybe to sexual proposals.
9) Should the partner who has stronger desires give up sex alltogether?
On first aid basis, solo sex, making love to yourself, is a good start. Fantasies and caresses can lead up to a world of pleasure. It pays off to discuss frankly with your partner your needs and hopes, but without blaming. If the situation is not brought out into the open, it leads into looking for other partners and might be the end of the relationship.
10) Can a new relationship be a way to enhance your sex life?
Sometimes it can be. Sex can flourish with a new partner, at least in the early stages of the relationship. People who have totally opposite desire levels can be fooled into thinking that sex will sort itself out given time. This doesn't always come to pass, though.
If you have partnered off in very early life, chances are that you haven't been very self-aware. Later you realize that there's not very much you have in common with your mate. Finding your partner in middle-age can be a better thing for the duration of the relationship. Long-term relationships are always very challenging, for most people crave variety.
Changing partners however often is not the solution. Unsolved problems need to be dealt with in the new relationship, too.
11) If you don't want to change partners, what can you do to improve your sex life?
Open communication is the key, and is often enough on its own to get past some deadends. It pays off to think, for example, why sex used to be better before. It's okay to talk about your own wishes and desires and also to mark what doesn't turn you on.
Both partners need to take responsibility for their own enjoyment. Becoming aware of your needs helps a great deal. Telling your partner that they suck at making you happy isn't going to improve anything.
It's beneficial to read books on the subject or seek help from sexual councelling and therapy.
12) What can you do if you are the one who has lower desire?
You can take a look at your habits and lifestyle: they can be the direct cause of low desire. Listen to yourself: are you depressed or has some past trauma activated in your current life? The first order of business in such a situation is to take care of your mental health through therapy, for example, because low desire is just a symptom of wider suffering.
If low self-esteem is your particular poison, you don't have to settle to being unhappy with who you are. You can start belly-dancing or whatever helps you reconnect with your body. It's good to try out sexual councelling and therapy, too.
13) Is it worth it, trying to improve your sex life?
Everyone is worth sexual pleasure. All adults have the right to an active sex life. At it's best and brightest moments, sex serves as the glue that keeps the couple together. Why not give into some fun once in a while? Good sex gives you unbelievable amounts of strenght.
BlackUnicorn
New member
PERSONAL: Random
I'm eating cheese crackers with chopsticks. I read somewhere that if you use chopsticks to pick up the crackers from the bag, you won't eat too many. Too bad I'm good with chopsticks.
I also invested in some porn yesterday on my campaign "I want to want more"! It was okay, a bit boring but I didn't fall asleep. Maybe I can fast-forwards the videos somehow? Do I have a shorter-than-average attention span?
Tomorrow we are going to plant some herbs with Vanilla and have sex, in that order. Herbs shouldn't take that long, so even if I'm not home before 10 pm, we should still have time for the planting and sex even if I have to go to sleep at midnight the latest.
This week is also our anniversary, I try to get off work early for celebrations!
Vanilla just got to know that one of Chip's gfs has committed suicide. She seemed very happy and chipper the one time they met with Vanilla. I've read that people who have decided to kill themselves may appear very content and energetic right before they do the deed. I'm a bit afraid for Vanilla to slip too much into the mood, especially if she takes in a lot of Chip's pain. She has enough to deal with, with her own depression and all.
I've had a great weekend working, foruming, meeting friends and lounging about in my empty apt SANS cats! Woohoo! I've even managed to get some modest decluttering done. I desperately need to get this one project application done, but it's not even midnight yet, so absolutely no rush.
On times like these, I really miss living with Flattie. When things were really bad with Vanilla, I asked Flattie if we could rent a shared apt for the summer, and she said sure, whatever you need. I love her *kiss kiss munch munch*. Her bunnie was a filthy little bugger but at least he didn't try to eat my food off the plate.
I'm eating cheese crackers with chopsticks. I read somewhere that if you use chopsticks to pick up the crackers from the bag, you won't eat too many. Too bad I'm good with chopsticks.
I also invested in some porn yesterday on my campaign "I want to want more"! It was okay, a bit boring but I didn't fall asleep. Maybe I can fast-forwards the videos somehow? Do I have a shorter-than-average attention span?
Tomorrow we are going to plant some herbs with Vanilla and have sex, in that order. Herbs shouldn't take that long, so even if I'm not home before 10 pm, we should still have time for the planting and sex even if I have to go to sleep at midnight the latest.
This week is also our anniversary, I try to get off work early for celebrations!
Vanilla just got to know that one of Chip's gfs has committed suicide. She seemed very happy and chipper the one time they met with Vanilla. I've read that people who have decided to kill themselves may appear very content and energetic right before they do the deed. I'm a bit afraid for Vanilla to slip too much into the mood, especially if she takes in a lot of Chip's pain. She has enough to deal with, with her own depression and all.
I've had a great weekend working, foruming, meeting friends and lounging about in my empty apt SANS cats! Woohoo! I've even managed to get some modest decluttering done. I desperately need to get this one project application done, but it's not even midnight yet, so absolutely no rush
. On times like these, I really miss living with Flattie. When things were really bad with Vanilla, I asked Flattie if we could rent a shared apt for the summer, and she said sure, whatever you need. I love her *kiss kiss munch munch*. Her bunnie was a filthy little bugger but at least he didn't try to eat my food off the plate.
I have never heard about the chopstick thing! I really don't think it would work for me either, but it's an interesting idea.
As for the wanting to want more thing, I've noticed that porn (video porn) does NOT do it for me, but erotic novels or short stories do. I think while reading a story, I can more easily picture myself in the scenario which to me is much more exciting than flat-out watching other people. Just a thought.
BlackUnicorn
New member
Now you made me crave some crackers
!!!11As for the wanting to want more thing, I've noticed that porn (video porn) does NOT do it for me, but erotic novels or short stories do. I think while reading a story, I can more easily picture myself in the scenario which to me is much more exciting than flat-out watching other people. Just a thought.
A good thought. I think I mostly enjoy the aesthetics too much to really get turned on. Like, I have a problem imaging super-pretty people have sex. And all the porn I watch is about blindingly beautiful Eastern European women with long hair and limbs caressing each other tenderly (not really, but you get the idea). If it were written down I wouldn't get too distracted by how beautiful the cinematography is.
I used to be into reading fanfics quite a bit. Maybe I should look back into that.