I am trying to understand but need help

[confusedchic]

My boyfriend just told me he is not monogamous, but polyamorous. Honestly, I never knew there was a difference. After about an hour of shock, I decided to look it up and found this site.

I am still very confused about it. I did read a post on how it is different than cheating, but still need a lot of clarification. I do not think I am against it. I was just shocked when he told me. After he told me, and reading, I wonder if I am polyamorous too, because it makes sense to me. I would just like to understand more. I am sure I have stupid questions, but please bear with me.

First, why does he seem to get jealous when other guys flirt with me, but he wants to add another girl to the relationship?

Would we still have a relationship (we live together), or would the other person move in and always be here?

Is polyamory like when a man has more than one wife?

Please try to explain whatever you would like to tell me about. Thank you.

 

[bleego]

My wife and I just recently came over from a monogamous to a polyamorous relationship. We pretty much already had the "We can mess around with other people, as long as it doesn't get too serious without each other involved" rule before this, since a few months before we got married. But once she realized her relationship with one of our good friends was starting to become more, we had a talk about it and decided that this is what we want. We know it will take a bit of work and a fuck ton of communication. Given how our relationship has been so far (awesome) I have high hopes for us. While I may have anxieties (mostly just needing to follow a lot of the advice on this board and work on myself and get out there), I know one absolute truth: my wife loves me, and I love her dearly.

Sorry for the long intro. Let me try to tackle the questions.

1) I don't see how this is going to work if he has a free pass to go find other women, but gets jealous over you. You may or may not actually want to see other people, but you should by all rights have the option, especially since HE is the one who is wanting to go forward with this.

2) I would sure hope you two would still have a relationship. The idea is that he wants to love you, as well as other people. I'm pretty new to all of this myself. I don't think there is any sort of living arrangement protocol. But if you already live with your boyfriend, that shouldn't change. If moving someone in comes up later, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. That should be something further out in the future, to make sure you can actually live together without killing each other.

3) Men having multiple wives is "polygamy." Polyamory is a bit more open regarding who is seeing whom, and what the extent of their relationship is. I know a few couples who are married and each person has their own boyfriends and girlfriends.

I would encourage looking through these forums. And here are a few other links:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
http://www.modernpoly.com/
http://www.pepperminty.com/
http://www.planetwaves.net/jealousy.html

Everyone on here seems pretty good to talk to. If I can answer anything else, I'd be glad to try my hand, since we both seem to be in similar stages of newbiness in regards to this.

I wanted to make a quick clarification of poly vs cheating. In my view, your relationship is what you make of it, thus the bar for cheating changes with each relationship. To my mind, cheating means sneaking around outside of the boundaries of your own relationship. In an ideal relationship, if you are open about your other lovers, then it should not be a problem. You agreed that you could have other loves. It is within the boundaries of your relationship.

 

[redpepper]

Don't forget lovemore.com too.

I would be a tad concerned that he gets jealous about guys flirting with you, as he may not have considered that you might want to add someone to your life, too. That might hit him hard to think about, but it might help him understand how you feel.

As for the rest of what you ask, with a bit of reading and research you will find your answers relatively fast, as they are common questions, but good ones.

Feel free to ask more after a good read. It might help to read together with your boyfriend and make it a together adventure.

Good luck.

 

[Ceoli]

Multiples wives is polygamy. Polyamory is a bit more open regarding who is seeing whom, and what the extent of their relationship is. I know a few couples who are married and each person has their own boyfriends/girlfriends.

Polygamy simply means having multiple spouses. Polygyny is the term for many wives; polyandry means many husbands. If there is love involved in any of these types of marriages, then they are polyamorous relationships.

Some couples approach poly by "adding someone to their relationship" and making some sort of a closed triad. Most often (though not always) couples seek to add another woman. This a pretty common way that couples who are new to poly approach it. While it might appear to be the safest way to approach polyamory, it actually tends to be the most difficult, because the relationship is prescriptive, meaning that you have a very specific set of requirements for what that relationship will look like (she will fall in love with both of us, etc.) before the other person is even involved. This tends to constrict the other person. The only successful triads I know of came together without them being planned ahead of time.

Other formerly monogamous couples approach poly by each just exploring their own relationships outside of their original bond. This gives each member of the couple their own space to explore, while still keeping the core of their relationship strong.

By the wording you used ("add another girl to our relationship") it sounds like he's looking for the former approach, you and him sharing a female "unicorn." If he's getting jealous over men flirting with you, it definitely sounds like there's some work to do before beginning any new relationships.

 

[crisare]

Here's my stab at some of these questions:

First why does he seem to get jealous when other guys flirt with me, but he wants to add another girl to the relationship?

It sounds to me like he might have a double standard going, maybe not consciously, but there, nonetheless. Unless you agree between you that it's ok one way ("adding a woman to share") but not the other (you dating other men), then the issue of his jealousy would have to be addressed. As the old saying goes: "What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."

Would we still have a relationship (we live together) or would the other person move in and always be here?

That would depend entirely on what you agree to, and what kind of relationship you develop. That's the thing about poly-- there are so many variations. Some people all move in together because that's what they want. Some maintain separate lives while still dating. Some do a combination of the above.

My husband and I live together. We are each other's primary relationship (emotional, not sexual). He does not have another relationship (and claims not to want one, but the opportunity is there if he does; actually, he's been looking more recently).

My ex-boyfriend is married and lives with his wife; they are also each other's primary relationship (emotional and sexual).

His wife has a girlfriend who is only involved with her, not with him.

We all know each other. We have socialized together sometimes (although not usually all at once), and had pretty good communication between us.

That's one way that poly can work. But it's not the only way. There are dozens of other permutations that are possible. It's all about what you and your partner(s) agree to.

Is poly like when a man has more than one wife?

It can be, but it doesn't have to be. Some people who are in long-term, committed poly relationships will refer to their partners as their spouses/husbands/wives, in the plural. But polyamory (many loves) is not necessarily about polygamy (multiple marriage). A person can be considered a spouse (although not necessarily legally), or a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. It just depends, again, on the agreements all the partners come to.