Daydreaming
New member
It actually goes both ways. My BF want to open up our relationship after 4 years, and I cannot imagine him having sex with another woman.....AGHhhhhhhhh. How does one make it work or cope with it?
How common is it for guys in poly relationships to be their girl's primary in every way but one? (cuckold discussion)
- Thread starter Nathan
- Start date
How does my husband cope with it? He does not want to know that much about it, he insists that I keep that side of my life seperate from us and our family. I respect his wishes.
At first he was mad, but not that mad. He excepts that he has a very low libido, he has no problem with this and never did have. Our sex life was always poor, and I needed so much more than he was willing or able to give and he came to terms with that. Our marriage was, and still is really great in all other areas. I no longer initiate sex with my husband, even now I feel a sense of rejection when he is not interested. We now have sex when he wants to, and I have another fantastic man in my life who provides for me sexually.
At first he was mad, but not that mad. He excepts that he has a very low libido, he has no problem with this and never did have. Our sex life was always poor, and I needed so much more than he was willing or able to give and he came to terms with that. Our marriage was, and still is really great in all other areas. I no longer initiate sex with my husband, even now I feel a sense of rejection when he is not interested. We now have sex when he wants to, and I have another fantastic man in my life who provides for me sexually.
That is something like how I operate with Pixi and Ginger. Pixi and I get along great emotionally, but her sex drive doesn't come near Ginger's. However, after now 7 months, he and I have come to be quite close emotionally. However, since he is a bit Aspie, he doesnt get me the way she does, things can take more explaining. He's more rational (nowhere near like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory, but sometimes there are similarities...).
Taken together, we make a great team. We've had threeway sex now, three times, and when she is with us two horndogs, it seems to inspire her sex drive! Ginger and she are quite attracted to each other. Very interesting dynamic. I am the only one experiencing any fleeting jealousy, and we are working through how to prevent that quite well in the last few weeks.
All of us are firmly polyamorous, so we don't have any mono issues/programming to deal with. We are just having to learn how to give space for their dyad to develop in the midst of my dyad with her, my dyad with him, and our threeway friendship/loveship.
Look, you're talking to polyamorists, an indication of the fact that defining a prescribed social "norm" does not work for everyone. You sound happy with the arrangements. What you should really be doing is not asking us whether it is normal, but asking yourself whether you feel happy and satisfied and secure with this relationship. You and she could always engage in more sex, or try some variety, or just ask her how she feels about you or your comparative lack of sexual activity.
It all comes down to what you all want in your relationships. That is how you will find out if you are truly happy.
InHateOF
New member
Yes, we are all very happy with the way things are at the moment. Aurelie and I actually make love a lot. There is plenty of sexual activity between us. It has lessened of late because she is seeing more of Ewan I'm happy for her to do so. We still make plenty of time for us though.
I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girl's primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her OSO gives her more orgasms then me. In fact, it turns me on. He has always been her Dom, but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.
Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not.
Lifeisgood
New member
We are in our early 30s and I have been with my wife for 15 yrs, 10 married. I guess I have had more practice with her, as she says I know how to take care of her the best, lol. But don't get me wrong. She has had awesome times with her friend(s). People do things differently. How do I say this without getting too graphic...He was extremely talented orally, and me not as much. But I know how to do other things that he couldnt do as well. It doesn't upset me when she would tell me about it though, if it did, we prob wouldn't be doing it at all to begin with. Good luck!
That actually sounds great, I wish I could find something like that
It is great, and I hope you do! It took a lot of work to get to this point in my love life.
BTW, I love your Johnny avatar! But what is up with the "hate?"
Nathan, you seem so cute, and you have a very refreshing attitude towards sex. If only all guys were the same, I think a lot of relationships would be less stressful, and longer lasting.
I see that you use the term bull to describe Ewan. I guess this means you're both still into that cuckold roleplay. You both seem to have got to a great place, and I think that Aurelie is lucky to have you.
He is very cute, and I know how lucky I am to have him. As for the "cuckold" roleplay, well, not exactly. But we do have our own thing, and all three of us are very turned on by it. Yes we are. It's fun! I love it, and so does Aurelie. She is a bit shy about admitting it, though, as you can see from her reply above.
Last edited:
You're my cute little cuckold, and Scott is my big stud. Not so shy now, am I?
No you're not, and yes I am, and yes he is, and as much as I like you being with him, I also really miss you when you're not here. A lot!
Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),
There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.
I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jibe with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Ewan is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.
Does Ewan's wife (Mia) think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.
It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied.
She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.
However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.
Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.
After all, if Aurelie had a strong sexual need to be with a woman, you probably wouldn't automatically feel like she was having better sex with her female partner--you'd feel that she was having DIFFERENT sex. Or, if Aurelie were a domme instead of a sub, and her secondary was someone she dominated instead of the other way around, you would probably feel that she has very complex sexual needs that aren't your cup of tea, rather than that you're not capable of satisfying her as well as her dom can.
Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.
It definitely sounds like you are sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in every way.
Nathan, I've been on both sides of a situation like yours. A few years ago, when I was non-exclusive with my ex-boyfriend, I had better sex with another man. My ex did not deal with it well, but chose to resent me in silence instead of talking to me about it. (Later he told friends that I was just his practice girlfriend, and he made clear that he had never cared about me. Oh, and he blamed me for his sexual problems). That's a longer story. At the time, I was deliriously happy seeing both men.
Now I'm on the other side--I'm seeing a man who is much kinkier than me, has a much higher sex drive, etc. It's the best sex of my life, but he has better sex with other women. (He's looking for another steady partner besides me, but hasn't found one yet. I'm looking to date others also, but have no time because I'm writing my thesis).
I am totally comfortable, and totally happy, with him having fantastic sex with another woman. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) I believe I am inherently non-monogamous, and have never experienced much sexual jealousy, 2) I have no desire to do the BDSM stuff he likes to do, and I want him to have someone else to do that with, and 3) He needs sex constantly. I get tired and sore pretty easily. There is no way I could meet all his needs, even if I wanted to!
For some reason, I like men who are more sexual than me. Maybe because I still have some guilt over how my ex felt about me, and the cruel things he said to me and about me. Or maybe it's because I am finally comfortable with knowing and admitting that I like, and am largely compatible with, sexually dominant men with high sex drives.
Anyway, like you, I'm at peace with knowing my lover needs more than just me, both sexually and emotionally.
It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc.), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.
Rather than wondering how other guys in your situation feel, Nathan, you might consider making yourself a sort of advocate for helping "nice" (i.e., vanilla) guys understand women with "wilder" sexual needs.
MusicalRose
Member
Not sure I have too much to contribute at the moment, but I wanted to say this topic might be fairly relevant to my own situation. My fiance and I aren't as sexually compatible as my boyfriend and I, it seems, and it has caused us some uneasiness in the past. I think we are getting more comfortable with it now, but it made us really nervous when all of it started.
I think it does help that in my situation, my boyfriend is submissive to me, and has a really low sex drive unless I tease him, so I always have to initiate. My fiance has a high sex drive, but his taste for me has been a bit low lately. As a female with a high sex drive, this is a little frustrating for me, but we seem to be handling the dynamics alright. We are all getting ready to move into a townhome together shortly, so it will let me more effectively tease my boyfriend.
I think it does help that in my situation, my boyfriend is submissive to me, and has a really low sex drive unless I tease him, so I always have to initiate. My fiance has a high sex drive, but his taste for me has been a bit low lately. As a female with a high sex drive, this is a little frustrating for me, but we seem to be handling the dynamics alright. We are all getting ready to move into a townhome together shortly, so it will let me more effectively tease my boyfriend.
Thanks, Meera. That was an interesting post.
The cuckold thing is just fun. The three of us do not take it seriously. But Nathan does get off on seeing me with Ewan, or knowing that I'm with him. I think it turns him on that Ewan is more able to get me off.
Well Nathan is my primary mainly because I love him more, and also for the reasons you state. I guess that doesn't quite jibe with poly either. lol. Is Nathan my sexual secondary? I do have more and better sex with Ewan, but it is so different to what I have with Nathan. What makes sex great with Nathan is in many ways the opposite to what makes it great with Ewan. However, Ewan is the best lover I have ever had, he makes me feel a way that no other can, and that includes Nathan. Sex with Nathan is more of a mental, spiritual and love thing; with Ewan it's physical.
Well, they have been married for a long time. I admire her because she has no hangs ups. She always sees things so clearly. We talk about Ewan. lol. The biggest reason he is able to get me off so much is because of his size and incredible staying power, good technique and ability. Mia tells me that I would not love it so much after nearly twenty years. She says I would be praying for a quickie. But no. I don't think she sees herself that way. I don't think that she thinks in those terms.
Thanks. I'm really lucky to have two awesome men, who keep me more than satisfied. I do have kinky needs that Nathan isn't into, I do my best to corrupt him though. Sometimes it works. BDSM is not one of those things. He is so lovely, too nice to be a dom, and he doesn't want to sub for me, which I accept.
This is why I feel so fortunate to have Nathan's love. He is so open-minded and accepting of my needs. He never fails to make me feel loved and secure.
That's interesting, Meera. I tease Nathan about being bi. I don't think he is, though. I would say he is vanilla, although like I said, I'm a bad influence. Also, I think the cuckold thing he likes is very kinky. He is submissive sexually, but not in a kinky way. His libido is high, thankfully. He likes lots of different types of sex acts. I have taught him a lot, and given him the confidence to tell me what he likes. He does need sex to be connected to love, which is what makes our sex special. We make love. Ewan fucks me. Nathan is monogamous, which makes me very happy.
I think the four of us are very comfortable about where we stand in our relationships, not just sexually, but all round. I would say we are all very happy with the way things have turned out.
This is 100% correct
It is cool that Nathan is open to my suggestions. I don't force him, or ask him to do things he doesn't like. It would not turn me on for him to dom me. He can't do that stuff. Well, he could, but it would go against the grain for him. He is a very gentle and loving person, and he is the same in bed. Strangely, it does turn him on to see Ewan have rough and dominant sex with me.
It's a shame things didn't work out with your ex. I think it's difficult to find a man that would be accepting of a poly lifestyle.
The cuckold thing is just fun. The three of us do not take it seriously. But Nathan does get off on seeing me with Ewan, or knowing that I'm with him. I think it turns him on that Ewan is more able to get me off.
Well Nathan is my primary mainly because I love him more, and also for the reasons you state. I guess that doesn't quite jibe with poly either. lol. Is Nathan my sexual secondary? I do have more and better sex with Ewan, but it is so different to what I have with Nathan. What makes sex great with Nathan is in many ways the opposite to what makes it great with Ewan. However, Ewan is the best lover I have ever had, he makes me feel a way that no other can, and that includes Nathan. Sex with Nathan is more of a mental, spiritual and love thing; with Ewan it's physical.
Well, they have been married for a long time. I admire her because she has no hangs ups. She always sees things so clearly. We talk about Ewan. lol. The biggest reason he is able to get me off so much is because of his size and incredible staying power, good technique and ability. Mia tells me that I would not love it so much after nearly twenty years. She says I would be praying for a quickie. But no. I don't think she sees herself that way. I don't think that she thinks in those terms.
It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied
Thanks. I'm really lucky to have two awesome men, who keep me more than satisfied. I do have kinky needs that Nathan isn't into, I do my best to corrupt him though. Sometimes it works. BDSM is not one of those things. He is so lovely, too nice to be a dom, and he doesn't want to sub for me, which I accept.
This is why I feel so fortunate to have Nathan's love. He is so open-minded and accepting of my needs. He never fails to make me feel loved and secure.
That's interesting, Meera. I tease Nathan about being bi. I don't think he is, though. I would say he is vanilla, although like I said, I'm a bad influence. Also, I think the cuckold thing he likes is very kinky. He is submissive sexually, but not in a kinky way. His libido is high, thankfully. He likes lots of different types of sex acts. I have taught him a lot, and given him the confidence to tell me what he likes. He does need sex to be connected to love, which is what makes our sex special. We make love. Ewan fucks me. Nathan is monogamous, which makes me very happy.
I think the four of us are very comfortable about where we stand in our relationships, not just sexually, but all round. I would say we are all very happy with the way things have turned out.
This is 100% correct
It is cool that Nathan is open to my suggestions. I don't force him, or ask him to do things he doesn't like. It would not turn me on for him to dom me. He can't do that stuff. Well, he could, but it would go against the grain for him. He is a very gentle and loving person, and he is the same in bed. Strangely, it does turn him on to see Ewan have rough and dominant sex with me.
It's a shame things didn't work out with your ex. I think it's difficult to find a man that would be accepting of a poly lifestyle.
Why do you do that? Do you suspect that he is attracted to your lover in some way?
I do not think that Nathan is attracted to Ewan, but it wouldn't bother me if he were. I tease him about being bi because when he was at high school he had a relationship with another boy.
codydarkstalker
New member
This is the case with my primary. We have sex and I am willing to have sex whenever he likes, but he knows my other partner is more skilled at getting me off and that I have more sex with him (we switch off every other night, primary is good to go once a night, secondary can recover faster so more sex is often had).
treyandanne
New member
I agree and it is certainly the case with us. Yes, its difficult sometimes that she is in his room most nights, or when you get home they have already played to her content. But it is rewarding in itself that she is getting the satisfaction that she needs. You are providing her with what you do best and so is he. Not all of us can have the skill and equipment that the love of our life needs. For me, like you, I have accepted this and am grateful that her secondary is gifted in this regard.