how to get from single to poly?

C

corence

New member
Hi everybody,

This seems like a warm place where people offer really genuine advice, so I want to ask for a bit of that for myself. :)

I'm a straight male. I've only been in mono relationships in the past, but I really don't want to have to be in love with just one person. It just seems to me like a three-person close relationship would have so much more affection present. Or an open relationship would be lovely too, in a different kind of way.

I've been interested in polyamory for some time now. Last year, I was keen to somehow set this up, but I guess I wasn't honest with myself or anyone else about what I wanted, and ended up in a monogamous relationship. I make that sound so terrible. :) We were happy, and oh so affectionate. It was a lovely time together, but it was just missing something!

Right now I've just moved to Paraguay. I'm definitely single right now and I've been meeting a few ladies. And since everything else in my life seems to be going so well now, I really want to define/design my love life, too. My only problem is, I'm unsure how to go about finding myself in a polyamorous relationship. All the guides I see talk about adding a third person to a two-person setup. But what about adding the first?

So far, I've met some girls. We've expressed interest and flirted here and there. But I make sure to tell them, especially before any sex, that I don't just want one girlfriend. I really don't want to deceive anyone and I don't want to be caught in the trap of having to lie to try not to hurt people's feelings. But even so, I seem to be getting caught in those webs, anyway.

I met a girl at a birthday party last night, and we seemed to be rather interested in one another. But I'm a bit uneasy about inviting her to spend time with me, because there are two other girls I've been with, and I get the feeling there will be some jealousy aroused because not everything is sorted out with everybody... Gah.

Am I supposed to introduce myself as, "Hi, my name's Corey, and I think you've got a beautiful smile, but I don't want just one girlfriend"?

I know that what I'm doing is going to end up with meeting, and possibly upsetting, a lot of mono-only girls before I ever manage to find someone more interested in the idea. I'm not sure about a better way to operate, though. I really don't think a lot of girls are going to consciously think of themselves as polyamorous here in South America!

So should I start from trying to make a string of one-night (two-night, three-night) stands, taking the "open" part of "open relationship" to the extreme, until some close, affectionate relationships develop from those?

I know this is all really egocentric right now. I just haven't had a chance to talk about this with anyone. None of my friends have had much more than a mild curiosity about the idea, so I've just been thinking in my head for a long time.
 
I was just really open and honest about what I needed from day one with everyone, not just potential relationships, but everyone I talked to about relationships. That way, there were no surprises for anyone that was in my life and a potential partner.

When I looked for people to date online, I would tell them right away what I wanted and needed and then left the ball in their court. Sometimes they were curious, but not interested, sometimes I never heard from them again, and sometimes they were interested, and either felt the same way, or had never heard of it before and wanted to explore the idea. To me, that is how community starts and how we find what we need in life.

There have been other threads started on this topic, if you get a chance to look around and read them. Hopefully they are tagged so you can find them. Good luck. :)
 
I would also add that you're going to have an easier time finding partners if you are open to relationships that fill your needs in a variety of forms. If you're going at this with a specific end structure in mind, i.e., "I want to find two girlfriends to be in a closed poly-fi triad with with me," you'll shut off a lot of possibilities for how your needs could be met (though I recognize that you said you're open to other relationships). Another approach would be, "I want to find partners who are non-monogamous, like me."

If you keep putting feelers out, you may find that there are non-monogamous women already in relationships who might be available. That may be a way to put in you touch with any communities there, if there are any. Though you really do have a challenge there. Hispanic cultures generally have a very different view of open ethical non-monogamy. The one Hispanic person I know that has an open poly relationship is pretty much cut off from her culture because of it. Some cultures exact a much higher price for difference of relationships than others (partially why most poly people are white middle class).

As a poly single person, I've found it can be frustrating, but generally my reasons seem to be different than yours. I've never left room in any of my relationships for the other person to assume monogamy. I definitely agree with RP in that you *have* to be proactively open about what you're looking for from the get-go, and not allow relationships to move forward on unspoken assumptions. If you cut the assumptions out from the get-go, you won't have any trouble upsetting any mono-only girls, because they will just know that you're not a good partner choice for them and you'll know that they're not a good partner choice for you.
 
Okay, that makes things much simpler-- be honest and proactively clear with everyone, not just potential romances. And all I really need to say is I'm a polyamorous person and only want open relationships. I don't have to think up the perfect relationship then try and find that. I can do that. OK, the first people to speak with are the girls I've met so far (and probably confused the hell out of).

Appreciation to you both.
 
Ceoli, you say, "I've never left room in any of my relationships for the other person to assume monogamy." I'm not quite sure what you mean there, but it sounds interesting. Could you elaborate?

My progress: seems like none. Ahh, so far all I seem to be encountering is the "blue fish tuba" scenario. I've talked about poly a bit, but I think all that's being heard is "This guy wants to have sex with lots of girls at once." I'm being approached by lots of girls (something about being a foreigner in Paraguay, I guess), but my friends are getting confused as to why nothing seems to happen (after I've managed to have a talk with the girl).

Thinking I'm going to try a different stab at this. I'm going to tell people I'm only interested in sex. Then at least I'm saying something they understand. At least from there I can demonstrate affection rather than trying to explain it.

Or maybe it's just that I'm not being proactive enough yet. Will ponder...
 
corence said:
Ceoli, you say -- "I've never left room in any of my relationships for the other person to assume monogamy."

I'm not quite sure what you mean there... but it sounds interesting. Could you elaborate?
Click to expand...

If I go out on a date with someone, I have the monogamy conversation right away. If I have something going on with someone else, I'm going to let my potential date know about that before we even go on that first date. If I don't have something going on, I'll talk about how I feel about non-monogamous relationships on the first date. I'll talk about how I like to remain open to possibilities. If things were right, I'd be open to exploring a monogamous relationship. But it's also important to me to just have the conversation that monogamy is going to be just as negotiated for me as polyamory is going to be. The idea is to be very clear about it, so that I'm not assuming what they want, and they're not assuming what I want.

I've found that it saves a lot of grief in the future!
 
paraguay.

I subscribe to over seas living, I have been thinking about paraguay my self, tired of being taxed to death, I would like to hear a first hand account of what its like, cost of living , the way society thinks, openness.

in the mean time hears a tip to finding females that can handle sharing you.

I have found many girls are bisexual but so afraid to say so, they dont walk around with female bisexual stamped on their head, but on the other hand they would proberbly welcome your polly idea as a way of living more than others,
so this way she can express herself sexually with the other girl,

I dont know how open society is in paraguay.all I know is they are a nation of mostly catholic religion, although I have known devout catholic girls to be deliciously perverted, if you carnt find ads for bifemales in the local paper you may try site.s like alt .com that have international listings.
 
user: corence.
Last Activity: 12-23-2009 07:37 AM

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for an answer to this one. ;)

I have found that many guys are bisexual but so afraid to say so, they don't walk around with male bisexual stamped on their head, but on the other hand they would probably welcome your poly idea as a way of living more than others, so this way he can express himself sexually with the other guy.

Any guys feel slightly upset at this statement? Yes? I'm not surprised. Yeah, let's assume that the reason people aren't the way you want them to be is because they are *afraid* to be honest with you, and you can just go ahead and safely assume that your ideas about them are true and take action based on that.

... or you could just respect what people say, take them at their word, and react appropriately...
 
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