What I think I want from polyamory (as an asexual person)

[StarGazer]

I am new to polyamory. About a year ago, I was introduced to it by a polyamorous ex. I looked into it a little, but didn't find any forums for it. (I don't think I looked that hard.) I more or less assumed she'd be good at guiding me, and if there were anything I needed to know, she'd tell me. I now know just how many things are wrong with that viewpoint, starting with the word "assumed."

I started looking into poly more a few months ago, I think February or March. I found that even if I weren't poly myself, I loved the basic ideas-- the importance of communication, honesty, etc. They should be valued and taught more for every relationship, monogamous, platonic, business, etc. My current partner got awkward about it, and still is, because they don't think they could ever be okay with me being with someone else, and are still paranoid I'll leave them for it, even though I'm insistent that I won't. And I mean that.

I recently found polyfamilies.com, and it sort of clicked. The way one of the writers put it was that they wanted a nest. That sounds right for me. I don't know if I want multiple people to be in a romantic relationship with. That's actually a bit irrelevant. If it happens, it happens. If it stays platonic, that's fine. But I want a family like that.

You know how people want a big family, lots of kids, while some people only want one or two, or don't even want any? I feel like that with adults. I still only want a maximum of one biological kid of my own, and to adopt any others. (If the other people want more biological kids, well, they can work that out. One birth is enough for me.) But I like the idea of a non-traditional family, with more than two parental figures who love and trust each other as a family themselves, whether it's blood relatives, close friends, or a polyamorous family.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if my partner would be okay with that, or if it's even possible for it to happen. I also know that you can't expect the perfect person/people to fall into your lap just by saying "I want this." But it's what I want.

I'm not sure what the point of posting this is. It might just be to get it out on paper... or html.

 

[alphafour]

I hear what you are saying. I feel much the same. I wanted a more developed and sharing atmosphere with my community, and I realized that I needed to first develop a relationship with just one other person, one with honesty, trust, and, if I can use the word in a positive sense, co-dependence. We depend on each other to lift the union. I realized that I need a larger unit than two people, but had to start with one other before I could move to three. It's only logical.

Poly came in the back door, because, face it: sex sells. I sold myself on it. I was a pushover.

 

[StarGazer]

I hear what you are saying. I feel much the same. I want a more developed and sharing atmosphere with my community, and I realized that I needed to first develop a relationship with just one other person, one with honesty, trust, and if I can use the word in a positive sense, co-dependence. We depend on each other to lift the union. I realized that I needed a larger unit of than two people, but I had to start with one other before I could move to three. It's only logical.

It is logical. I'm sure it's possible that three people have developed a triad before a dyad was started, but I doubt it's common. Of course, adding another person is generally easier if both people agree to it.

Poly came in the back door, because, face it: sex sells.

My partner and I are asexual, so sex has never been a good marketing strategy for us, but I do know it sells, for the majority.

 

[alphafour]

My partner and I are asexual, so sex has never been a good marketing strategy for us, but I od know it sells for the majority.

I don't want to pry, but when you say "asexual" are you referring to abstinence and celibacy, or mechanized pleasurable entertainment?

I allow for most sexualities. I am not judgmental, as long as involves consenting adult humans. I'm just curious.

(Of course if ET were involved, then you know might know my lovers. )

 

[StarGazer]

I don't want to pry, but when you say "asexual" are you referring to abstinence and celibacy, or mechanized pleasurable entertainment?

Er... "mechanized pleasurable entertainment"? What do you mean?

Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. It is not celibacy or abstinence. Many asexuals choose to be both of those, but there are those asexuals who have sex to please a sexual partner, and even those who enjoy sex. I know a few polyamorous asexuals, as well as those who have a polyamorous partner, who have sex with other partners, instead of asking the asexual one for it.

Asexuals are capable of being romantic, and wanting to date, fall in love, etc., which is why you'll see some who call themselves hetero/homo/bi/pan/etc.-asexual, but not all are. This is a good resource if you're curious about it.

 

[alphafour]

Er... "mechanized pleasurable entertainment"? What do you mean?

Love dolls, or BOBs. I just found out about BOBs, "battery operated boyfriends." I knew there were women who used such devices, but didn't know they called them BOBs.

Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. It is not celibacy or abstinence. Many asexuals choose to be both of those,

It would seem an easy enough choice, with what the link suggests. Thanks.

 

[StarGazer]

I just found out about BOBs, "battery operated boyfriends." I knew there were women who used such devices, but didn't know they called them BOBs.

Ah, yeah. I heard of that in a webcomic, Girls With Slingshots. I had no idea women actually called them BOBs.

 

[NeonKaos]

After reading that link, I think it's possible that the "other guy" I fell in love with earlier this year could be "asexual", due to the fact that he told me he is grossed-out by the "wetness" of sex (and other reasons).

 

[StarGazer]

After reading that link, I think it's possible that the "other guy" I fell in love with earlier this year could be "asexual", due to the fact that he told me he is grossed-out by the "wetness" of sex (and other reasons).

There are repulsed asexuals. It's entirely possible he was one.

 

[River]

At least some people who are repulsed by sex, or even disinterested in sex, have had some sort of sexual/emotional trauma, often early in life, often memory repressed, which results in this attitude. I will not say that all such people fit this description. Indeed, I think it far too common in our society that difference becomes pathologized. Some people may simply occupy the very far low end of the sexual appetite spectrum, without that being the result of trauma, abuse, psychological problems, or physiological ones (such as hormonal balance).

 

[Mark1npt]

James, there are way more pathologized people out there than you could ever imagine. There are two, and only two, basic reasons for asexuality: physical problems, (low hormone values/low sex drive) and emotional issues (like incest from childhood or mental illness). I find it very odd and strange that there could be such things as "asexual poly lovers." By definition, if they are lovers, and having sex, they're not asexual.

 

[XYZ123]

Thank you for posting. You summed up nicely alot (if not all) of what I've been feeling. You inspired me to finally come out of the shadows and join the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[StarGazer]

Thank you for posting. You summed up nicely alot (if not all) of what I've been feeling. You inspired me to finally come out of the shadows and join the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I'm glad it helped some. I hope you find what you're looking for as well.

There are two and only two basic reasons for asexuality. Physical problems, (low hormone values /low sex drive) and emotional issues (like incest from childhood or mental illness).

I have neither of those. Physically, I'm healthy. I have a fine sex drive. When I took something to increase my sex drive, it didn't do a damn thing to my orientation. Emotionally I'm also healthy, with no incidents of incest or other traumatic experiences that could have affected my asexuality. I was sexually abused, but I knew I was asexual long before that happened and, again, it didn't effect my orientation.

What are the two basic reasons of heterosexuality? I'm curious to hear what you feel causes other sexual orientations.

I find it very odd and strange that there could be such things as "asexual poly lovers." By definition, if they are lovers, and having sex, they're not asexual.

I don't have "lovers." I have partners, people with whom I'm in close, romantic relationships, people whom I love and care about a great deal. Some might choose the word lovers for their relationships, but I prefer partner.

Last I checked, polyamory was loving many, not fucking many.

Also, asexual doesn't mean "doesn't have sex." There are a lot of asexuals who have sex to make their sexual partners happy.

 

[Mark1npt]

What??? If you are physically healthy, why did you take something for your sex drive? You expected it to change your orientation? What??? You sound confused inside.

Regarding your asexuality, you knew you were asexual before you were sexually abused??? At what age were you aware??? These are some serious issues at work here. Anyone "grossed out" by the wetness of sex definitely has an emotional issue, anal, OCD, whatever. I know a guy who thinks most things having to do with the body and fluids is nasty. That's his psychological issue. That's his hang-up. That's why he only had sex with his wife once a year. That's why he's now divorced.

You seem to misunderstand and misrepresent my position. I don't give a flip about people's orientation. I don't have two reasons for someone being hetero and I don't care. I do care about people and their problems, however. There are plenty of them to go around. There are only two reasons for asexuality, physical and psychological/emotional. If you don't make love then you don't have "lovers", IMO. Yes, you may "love" someone, but they're not a lover if you don't partake in sex, IMO. You may agree to disagree, but I believe most of the world would be behind me on that one.

And, btw, if you have sex, any kind of sex, even if it's meaningless sex to make your sexual partner happy, then you're not asexual! You may not enjoy it, but you're not asexual.

 

[XYZ123]

Hmmm. I don't know I agree with there being only two possible reasons. I went through a period of time (about two years), after the first time I had sex, where I just had no desire for it. Prior to my first sexual encounter at 16, I was very curious and very into it and felt like it was something I needed to do, or a right of passage. After that, I just didn't see the big deal. I was still attracted to people, and formed relationships, and even romantic connections, but sex was just not on my to-do list. There were so many other things. Emotions, intellectual conversations, even physical contact not involving sex. There was nothing physically wrong with me, nor did I have any psychological aversion to sex. I simply wasn't interested.

I've gone through phases like this on and off in my life, during which I would have considered myself as asexual. During some of these phases, I DID engage in sex, not because I wanted or needed the sexual gratification, but because my partner at the time did, and it gratified me to make my partner happy in whatever way I could, including sharing my body. But I didn't feel the usual physical pleasure associated with sex. I wasn't averse to it. I simply could "take it or leave it", but would have left it, if up to me.

Am I hitting the nail a bit closer to the head here, StarGazer?

 

[NeonKaos]

It was my "other guy" who was "grossed out" by the "wetness" of sex... this was something the actual person told me, I was giving it as an example of what would constitute an "asexual" personality, not as a sweeping generalization of "asexuality".

And FWIW, my "other guy" is not only in fact bipolar _and_ OCD, but I think he was probably forced to touch adults inappropriately as a child.

 

[Mark1npt]

I get your drift, XYZ, but there are obviously reasons (physical/emotional) why you wouldn't be interested in sex. Could it be you just didn't have an attentive lover at that early age? Was it painful? Was it not "knock your socks off, rockin' hot sex"? Some woman are not orgasmic. Are you one (forgive me for being too personal) who's never experienced an orgasm, never reached complete fulfillment? I hope I'm wrong.

 

[Mark1npt]

YGirl, you confirmed my hypothesis. Thank you. And sorry to hear about your other guy. I hope you can or have been able to help him work through some of his issues. Keep lovin'.

 

[NeonKaos]

Thanks; I actually haven't spoken to him in over a month because that's the way he wants it. Maybe someday. Right now he's all hung up on finding some woman who will have his babies. That ain't yours truly, so I wish him all the best.

 

[XYZ123]

I get your drift XYZ, but there are obviously reasons (physical/emotional) why you wouldn't be interested in sex. Could it be you just didn't have an attentive lover at that early age? Was itpainful? Was it not "knock your socks off, rockin' hot sex"? Some woman are not orgasmic. Are you one (forgive me for being too personal) who's never experienced an orgasm, never reached complete fulfillment?

LOL. Sorry, hun. Wrong on all counts. My first lover was gentle, attentive, and I've been able to orgasm just fine since before I had intercourse, and still do a fine job of it to this day. Quite simply put, other things, many other things, just were more important and interesting to me than sex. I only thought about sex during the "asexual" times if someone else brought it up. Asexuality, by definition, is not aversion to sex (though it can include that), but simply a lack of desire, need, or enjoyment of sex.

I am bipolar and I've seen a psychologist most of my teen/adult life. So I have had many a hormone level check and evaluation. Never anything wrong related to sex drive. Even most of my meds didn't affect it.

If you don't have to have something "wrong" with you to be hetero, not gay, not bisexual, not sexually poly, why MUST there be something "wrong" for being asexual? Sometimes people just have better things to think about and do.