Dealing with lust and crushes

H

hellokitty

New member
Hi everyone. I hope all is well.

I thought others might be able to benefit from a discussion about this topic I've had on my mind for a while-- crushes and lust.

I have a bf and a gf. I am the hinge in the V, and none of us date anyone else. Jules is allowed freedom to flirt, kiss, fuck, casually date anyone he wants. This has never gone very far, because he hasn't sought it out, but the option is there for him. Aimee can also flirt and kiss anyone, and we have had sex with other women together. She claims she doesn't desire more on her own.

Here's where it gets tricky-- I do! It's not like I'm suffocating and dying without the relationship being opened up more, hence why I said lust. But I love people, and flirting and connecting through physical/sensual/sexual interaction.

I have a pretty big sexual crush on this guy right now. It has gone up and down for the past year or so. Things got tense when he went in for an attempted kiss once a few months back. Nothing happened, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it! I want that kiss for real. lol I told Jules and he wasn't pleased. Aimee has a small crush on him, as well.

Anyway, my point is, how do you deal with these intense feelings of lust and desire that you just cannot act on?
 
Anyway, my point is, how do you deal with these intense feelings of lust and desire that you just cannot act on?
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You masturbate and fantasize, that's how.
 
Well, if they can have casual sexual relationships, but choose not to, I personally don't see why you can't choose to have casual sexual relationships. Your partners may have conscious or subconscious expectations that, since they have not gone outside your V relationship, you won't either. Or they may have fears of being replaced or having less time with you. Try to have some frank talks about fears and concerns.

Also, do you know why you crave flirting and light sexual contact (kissing etc.)? Some people are more flirty than others. They like getting and receiving that kind of attention, and there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you could satisfy that want through flirting, but not actual sex.

Also, maybe you are not getting enough touch in general? If you are someone high in the physical touch love language, even with two partners, you might not be receiving or giving enough touch to satisfy you. I find if I am low on touch, I crave sex intensely. If I am more full on touch, I still want sex, but it is not a blinding "Want now." Having my touch needs more in balance makes my lust way more manageable.
 
My husband and my girlfriend and I are pretty open about our crushes and lust. My girlfriend and I tend to get more crushes, although she does also get lust. My husband likes to fantasize about women who would never give him the time of day, especially college girls who can have their pick of any straight guy on the football team.

None of it bothers me, and I've never understood women who get all ripped when their male partner checks out other hotties on the street, or men who get all insecure when their female partners wish they could spend one night with Johnny Depp.

Why can you not act on these feelings? Is this your choice, or are you being compelled by your partners? Are they feeling like they're already "giving up" enough with you having two partners that they don't feel they should be asked to make any more concessions? Are your feelings and desires being respected by your partners?
 
You mention that your partners are allowed to flirt, kiss, and have sex with other people, but not whether they are able to have additional long-term partners. Is the relationship open equitably, or is there a sort of "I am okay with you having sex with others, but not dating, if you are okay with me dating you two, but not having sex with others" rule in your relationship?
 
For me, I fantasize, I masturbate, I talk to my boyfriend about my dreams and fantasies, and we use that as a lead in to hot sex together.

I don't talk to my husband about such things, because he gets too insecure and it doesn't have positive results.

I love people, and I'm very touchy-feely, but I also have been around the loop enough to know that I don't love drama, and the drama with my husband is already more than I like to deal with. So I don't go chasing down activities with those I have crushes on/lust after, because I don't want the drama.

It's much less dramatic, and just as sexually and emotionally gratifying, to tell my boyfriend all about it, and have him rock my world whilst I fantasize. :)
 
opalescent said:
Well if they can have casual sexual relationships but choose not to, I personally don't see why you can't choose to have casual sexual relationships. Your partners may have conscious or subconscious expectations that as they have not gone outside your relationship you won't either. Or they may have fears of being replaced or having even less time with you. Try to have some frank talk about fears and concerns.

Also, do you know why you crave flirting and light sexual contact (kissing etc.)? Some people are more flirty than others - they like getting and receiving that kind of attention. And there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you could satisfy that want through flirting but not actual sex? Also maybe you are not getting enough touch in general? If you are someone high in the physical touch love language even with 2 partners you may not be receiving or giving enough touch to satisfy you. I find if I am low on touch, I crave sex intensely. If I am more full on touch, I still want sex but it is not a blinding WANT NOW. Having my touch needs more in balance makes my lust way more manageable.
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This quote is something that describes how I experience lust or a crush quite often. For my personal preference, I am not looking for any additional partners or a casual physical relationship. So I talk with my spouse about it.

Usually the infatuation is short-lived. I sometimes get crush reactions on a person when we go from acquaintances to friends, or my friendship gets deeper with a person.

I am not sure what you want, but I keep in mind my priorities, my family. Anyone should try to keep their priorities in mind when lusting or crushing.
 
hellokitty said:
I have a bf and a gf. None of us date anyone else. He is allowed freedom to flirt, kiss, fuck, casually date anyone he wants (it has never gone very far because he hasn't sought it out, but the option is there for him.) She can also flirt and kiss anyone and we have had sex with other women together. She claims she doesn't desire more on her own. Here's where it gets tricky. I do!
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Why is he "allowed" to do anything he wants, but she is only allowed to flirt and kiss? You didn't mention what you are "allowed" to do. Are you restricted as much as she is? Are you and she only allowed to be with other women, not men? Why does he have so many more freedoms than you two do? Maybe you feel such strong lusty crushes because you feel boxed in, oppressed, or hampered by the unfair imbalance. Why shouldn't you also be free to fuck and date others?

Is your male partner the one who is doing all this "allowing?" If this type of arrangement is truly something that you wanted and willingly agreed upon, that's one thing. But by wording it as what you are "allowed" to do, it sounds like someone put rules on you that you have to follow. But clearly, as you stated, you want more. Time to stand up for yourself, renegotiate, and go for what you really want!
 
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Time time time.
And masturbation.

Seriously, I think I crush out on about every third person I meet, but it usually dies down after a few interactions... and then new friends! In my relationship, flirting and flings are no big deal (as opposed to actually seeing someone consistently, which requires a bit of talking and consideration), so I could technically act on anything I wanted to. That doesn't mean it's the best idea, though. Beyond your and your partners' needs, you've got to consider your crushes's needs/wants too. Even if you're in a really very open situation, you're still going to deal with not being able to (considerately) act on some (or much) of what you might fantasize about. It's a messy business all around.

If the guidelines of your relationship are constricting you, that's something to figure out and talk about. But beyond that, my biggest advice is to just try and enjoy the feeling of crushing/lusting. It's fun. Fantasies are fun. And sharing those fantasies with a partner (without necessarily needing to act on them) can be a nice way to connect and deal with jealousy and insecurity.
 
Thanks for all the responses.

When I say "allowed" I mean that is what we have discussed and come to an agreement on.

I've told Jules it's okay to date freely. And if someone comes along he is interested in on a deeper level, then I am not stopping him from pursuing her. I'm sure it will be a harder bridge to cross if and when it comes to that, but right now he hasn't been seeking that out.

With Aimee, it's a little different. I'll elaborate in a moment.

If you were to read some of my other posts on here, my situation might make more sense. I've been with Jules for 6 yrs, so he was always my primary. When I started a relationship with Aimee 2 yrs ago, things got really heavy really fast. We fell super hard and went into the relationship full force. Jules had a hard time with it. He felt left out. He was jealous and sad about the change of her and me spending more time together than he and I were. This is the first real polyship for all three of us.

I went through some personal stuff in the past year-- confusion with my sexuality and uncertainty about my interest in men, that I've just in recent months started understanding. During that time, Jules and I were on kind of a sexual break while I figured out my desires and boundaries. The lines of communication and touch are a lot more open now, but that all caused some damage to his ego and confidence, as well as trust in me.

So, all in all, I understand why he is insecure when thinking about me wanting to flirt with and kiss another man. He's afraid of losing more of me. I personally am not interested in another involved relationship. I was telling him yesterday, I think I'm just obsessed with the chase. Flirting gets me way more excited than actually closing the bedroom door and getting it on with someone. I love teasing and making people feel wanted, and feeling desired by them too. And maybe some hot making out. lol. But I'm not looking for a relationship, by any means. I know once you start messing with intense emotions, anything is possible, but it's not what I'm interested in right now, anyway.

I try to channel those feelings of desire onto my current partners. But as you all know, it's not quite the same as the thrill you get from seeing a new smile.

As far as Aimee goes, we have some work that needs to be done. I feel she is reluctantly going along with all this sometimes. It's painful for me because I feel she hasn't accepted that I'm polyamorous. She holds a lot of emotions inside that come out passive aggressively because she resents that I'm not "all hers." It's confusing for me sometimes too, because her insecurity comes out by her saying things like, "You're all I want/need. I don't want anyone else," hinting that I should feel the same way. But then a few times, at parties and such, I have seen her randomly kissing other people, which I'm all for. But it kinda makes me jealous of the fact that if I were doing that, she'd probably be upset.

So, to your previous question, "Is she 'allowed' to date outside of our relationship?" I personally don't know if I'd be able to handle the drama. She is very young, and insecure in a lot of ways, and already fighting polyamory. I can't realistically ever seeing her desiring additional relationships, but if she did, I think there would be a lot of stuff to work through first.

Polyamory is so complicated. But I do feel they would see me as "greedy" if I truly admitted I wanted more, since I already have them both. I know things have to work out at their own pace, so I'm not resentful of where we're all at with it all. But I do need to make it known that. "Hey babes, I am poly, and even if things didn't work out with one or the other of you, I'm not going to turn into a monogamist overnight."
 
hellokitty said:
"Is she 'allowed' to date outside of our relationship?" I personally don't know if I'd be able to handle the drama. She is very young, and insecure in a lot of ways, and already fighting polyamory. I can't realistically ever seeing her desiring additional relationships, but if she did, I think there would be a lot of stuff to work through first.
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I can understand that. I describe my husband as "barely monoamorous." I was his first long-term relationship (>6mo) and he constantly struggles with all the work and emotions that come with being in a serious, committed relationship. So if I found out that he'd fallen for someone else, I'd be very suspicious and probably insecure. I wouldn't go so far as to say he's "not allowed" to date other people, just that he's told me time and time again that he has no desire to do it, so I would be questioning it if it happened.

I'm reminded of that "equality vs justice" picture that's been going around with this Idle No More thing...
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I think you can replace "justice" with "fairness" and get something that applies.
 
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