Poly, but still mono?

G

GSAS082612

New member
I love my significant others with all that I have. I am content with our relationship, MOSTLY.

Lately, my partners, who are married, have been making it seem like a completely monogamous relationship for the two of them. They're been planning couples dates, and having me babysit, because they want to “celebrate” their marriage and their anniversaries, simple things I am not part of. I feel left out.

They made a big deal over their wedding anniversary this past October and are now making a big deal over their 3-year mark of being together as an official couple. So while they are being mono-like, I am stuck as the side-show attraction and babysitter.

They want to fix things and I understand that. And I want them to be able to grow from their problems and the horrific incidents the two have created. It’s like a world of havoc.

But it's pissing me off. I mean, as far as being polyamory goes, we are always fighting. So how the hell is polyamory working? If I mention something, they make it seem like it’s my fault, or tell me that I should “understand." How the hell do I "understand" being left out of dates? How the hell do I make sense out of the two of them growing and being together and I am just their babysitter? WHAT THE HELL!? :mad:

Truthfully, it seems like this relationship is no longer poly-fidelitous, but monogamous, with me as their live-in sex toy, used for their personal enjoyment and games. Samantha is unable to do certain things sexually, so it seems as if I’m doing the things Glenn wants, because Sam is unable to, like I'm a fill-in for her. I don’t know exactly how polyamory works, but I’m pretty sure this is not it.

All I really want to know is if there is anyone that can sympathize. Is anyone else the "odd one out" in a poly relationship that was started as a marriage? Or even being a part of the marriage, how can you explain this? I'm not sure how to deal. I'm confused. Help me, please.
 
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You just articulated how you feel about things right now pretty darn clearly. That part doesn't sound confused to me.

In poly V or triad, each mini-relationship (dyad) needs its own time. I get that Samantha and Glenn need their one-on-one date time. When is the time for the dyad of Glenn and you? Or the dyad of you and Sam? Or Glen and Sam and you, all three together? It doesn't sound like those dates are happening.

So, are they going to be put on the calendar or not? Because if not, your partners are failing to meet your needs.

I know this is not a fun place to be right now, dealing with the fact that your feelings for them are in the place of A, and their feelings back for you are in the place of B. No matter what they might say, their actions speak something else.

Coming to terms with that reality, and then trying to decide what to do about it, I can see why you feel upset/confused there.

What do you want from them the most? What do you want to do the most? How do you want to meet your own needs? :confused:
 
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Not that it really matters, but I would still qualify what you guys have as a polyamorous arrangement. I would call it hierarchical polyfidelity. I'm sure that would work for some people, but it sounds like a night terror to me.

Regardless of the classification, if you aren't vibing with what you've got, then you need to decide how you want to go about remedying it. Fortunately, if you are polyamorous, those kinds of problems are easy enough to address.

If I am not getting enough of a particular thing from my partner, I am free to fulfill it with someone else. For a monogamous person, this is a real problem. For me, it is a minor inconvenience, until I find a way to get my needs met.

Note that what I am not suggesting is convincing your partners to change their activities in order to suit your preference. It is healthy to express your desires and feelings, but it is another thing to expect that they should capitulate simply because you want something. They might adjust their behaviors to better suit you, but hopefully they would only do this because it is something they are glad to do.

As for the babysitting thing, it sounds like you're building some resentment there. Just like I would not expect them to bend over backwards in ways they don't want to, if what you are doing for them is distasteful to you, you absolutely need to change this. Continuing to bend in a way that you resent will build like poison in the relationship and, in the end, it will do far greater harm than good. It's an unfortunate habit people have, insisting that "painful sacrifice" is a natural part of being in a romantic relationship. I don't know where this idea comes from, but it is a non-stop source of difficulty (if these forums are any indication).
 
Your situation is actually very common. People think they can add another person into their marriage and it'll all be smooth and equal, but you can't magically make up for the time they've been married and the bond that they created that you haven't had a chance to build with them yet. It just takes time, which is why the idea of adding in a third person to an existing relationship and getting a polyfidelitous triad that doesn't leave the new person feeling like the "junior" member just doesn't seem to work so well.

The woman my gf and her husband dated before me was in a similar situation. Thank god they learned from it, and when my gf and I started dating they knew better than to claim they could offer an equal partnership.

This may be of interest/use to you: http://tacit.livejournal.com/295369.html?nojs=1
 
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That's a serious amount of resentment that you've built up! Like GG said, you've articulated your feelings loud and clear. And it seems as though you've told them about your dissatisfaction without receiving the support and reciprocation that you need.

Look, I think the ball is in their court on this one. I understand that they may be acting a bit selfishly in order to patch their relationship, and they should see this in themselves. But why aren't they communicating better with you to relieve your frustrations?

They should either:

Explain to you that this situation is temporary, and they should be spending more time with you as a threesome. This way they still spend time with each other, but at least make an effort to tend to your needs.

They should get a different babysitter and take you out more often.

Or, they should be honest and tell you that they have serious problems and need time alone - without you. It's tough honesty, but it allows you to make a choice about whether or not you want to stick around. Are you in a position to leave, or do they think they have you as a captive live-in babysitter?

Either way, at least you'll know where you stand and can take back control of your future.
 
GalaGirl: I have made it clear how I feel. I'm not entirely sure they understand. But yes, I do feel left out, and that needs to change. I have made that much clear. Then Glenn gives me the same old lecture of "We warned you it was going to be off for awhile. And it's going to be hard sometimes. And I'm going to need more Sam-and-me time. And we will be having you watch Jocelynn."

As much as I am "okay" with watching the kid, I really don't like that I am not getting any time in this relationship. >.>

GG, I get exactly what you mean by "saying one thing but doing another."

I don't want to lose them.
I don't want to seem vulnerable.
I don't just want to be their "toy."

What I want the most of this polyship is fair time with each other one-on-one, as well as time as a polyship. I want my needs to be met. I want to meet theirs. But I refuse to bend over backwards to make them happy 24/7. I need to be happy too. :(

Marcus: Hierarchical polyfidelity is not my idea of being in a relationship at all. I agree with feeling "absolute terror" about that idea.

I don't like that the fact that none of my needs are being met. I hate that they don't seem to want to even try.

However, I am still doing my best to make them happy because I came into this relationship wanting a relationship, not a babysitting night job. I appreciate all they do for me. But just because they clothe me, feed me, drive me around, and provide for me, doesn't mean that this isn't a relationship still. As I told GG, I don't mind, but I don't like that it's all I am doing.

Annabel More: Personally, I knew that it wouldn't be completely equal, but shutting me out completely still sucks. And I still feel left out.

BreatheDeeply: Yeah, pretty much. I am resentful of the situation. I have explained what I feel, and what things need to happen in order for me to stay. But I just get a lecture, on and on, about them "warning me." I don't know. I am completely pissed off. I would appreciate getting my relationship on track, and not have to remove myself from the poly-ship. But yes, the ball is in their court. They made the decision of A. But I'm still not getting that time I desperately need to feel loved, cared for, wanted, needed. Sexual satisfaction can be cancelled out. I need to know I am here for more than just sex. They both tell me I am, but I am not so sure.
 
GSAS082612 said:
Personally, I knew that it wouldn't be completely equal, but shutting me out sucks. And I still feel left out.
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That is completely fair. Needing time to themselves? Needing to put more emphasis right now on shoring up their marriage? Fair enough, totally reasonable.

Needing to put a hold on physical intimacy? A very touchy, extreme thing to do, but I could see maybe trying to work with that.

My gf and I put a hold on physical intimacy for a whole year while she was pregnant. The hormones just made her need to "nest" with her partner. But she and I still had dates. We still cuddled. We still said "I love you." We didn't basically temporarily break up, which it sounds like is what you feel like has happened.

So, you're living with them and they're taking care of you financially? That's a tough position. Do you have the ability to get some more income coming in for yourself to prepare for the possibility of moving out? You wouldn't necessarily need to end the relationship in that case, but having some more independence would probably be a really healthy thing for you, and for this triad, if it's to continue.

For your own mental health, you may need to remove yourself from the position of being "on hold," and being their free babysitter while you watch them work on their relationship. This is an emotionally difficult position to be in, but also unavoidable, as long as you're dependent on them, and they feel that it's what they absolutely need (though you'd really think there should be *some* flexibility there from them??).

Another good link: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html
 
GSAS082612 said:
I appreciate all they do for me. But just because they clothe me, feed me, drive me around, and provide for me doesn't mean this isn't a relationship still.
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Yikes! That is not going to help you attain status as an equal partner in the relationship. I think you establishing your independence by getting a job, car, and maybe even your own place should be priority number one. I mean... I'd start working on that yesterday.
 
It sounds to me like something happened and your triad partners realized their marriage was in jeopardy. They told you that they would need some time to work on it. (Or so it would seem to them, as they say that they "warned you".)

If that is the case, you are left with two choices:
1) accept that they need to do this and respect their time with each other.
2) let them know that you cannot accept this, if it means that you get no date time at all, or whatever it is that you need. Ask to separate your lives in a way that leaves you feeling valued, as a close friend and roommate perhaps, but not a babysitter, whilst you get on your feet.

At 18, you are much younger than Glenn (he's 34?) and 4 years younger than Sam (she's 22, right?).
How is it that you ended up in this relationship and living with them?
How long have you been living with them?
How long have they been neglecting you?
 
I have made it clear how I feel. I'm not entirely sure they understand. I feel left out, and it needs to change, Glenn gives me... "we warned you it was going to be off for awhile. And it's going to be hard sometimes. And I'm going to need more time with Sam. And we will have you watch Jocelynn" I really don't like that I am not getting anytime with this relationship... I don't want to lose them. But I don't want to seem vulnerable. I don't want to be their "toy." I want fair time with each other. I want my needs to be met. I refuse to bend over backwards to make them happy 24/7. I need to be happy too.
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It's fine that they need time alone to work on their stuff. That bold part would grate on me if they are just assuming you are willing to be the babysitter all the time for their convenience. That's rude.

Maybe you are willing to do that sometimes, if asked nicely. Do they even bother to ask nicely, or just announce it and assume your time is theirs to dictate? Maybe sometimes you need time alone to do your own things and just are not up for babysitting. Maybe you need time to seek a job, get some schooling, even pursue hobbies. Has that been addressed?

You are not going to "lose them" if they are willing to work with you and be in relationship with you. If they are not willing to work with you, it's better you know it now, rather than keep being strung along, and feeling like a live-in sex-toy-babysitter-machine thing, rather than like a person in your own right.

You could start saying "No" sometimes to babysitting. Just not be available. Choose yourself a bit more so you are doing your end of the work to bring this to a better balance.

Don't say you are willing to do things you are not really willing to do. That feeds your resentment. You have to consider yourself too, not just ask them to consider you. Consider yourself. Meet some of your own needs.

You may like their child and them, but your time is yours to spend, not theirs to dictate. If they are being rude, and taking you and your time for granted, you could call them into account for that and ask to be treated with more consideration than they are giving on that part of things, since you are willing to give their marriage time needs consideration, too. Turn-about is fair play.

Maybe living in your own flat would give you the space required to bring this to healthier balance. You could still be in relationship with them, but not be taken for granted (you or your time) because you are just there all the time? Not break up, but stop with the bit that is not working -- cohabitation.
 
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I agreed with Marcus. This seems like a huge power imbalance. They house/feed/transport you, and they assume you'll take care of their child, and they then tell you the level of attention you will receive, regardless of your needs?

Regardless of whether or not you enjoy taking care of their child, or whether or not you love and miss them, getting out from underneath their "assistance" is probably going to be the best thing you can do for yourself right now, if it's at all possible. Then perhaps you will BE on more equal footing and able to pull a little more weight when asking for what you need. "I need to be with adults, and if you can't/won't be with me, then I will go out on my own." That sort of thing.
 
All relationships have their problems and fights, especially poly triad ones, because you are trying to balance three different points of view, and three lives together. If you are not able to handle having fights and coping with the fall-out, then you are not going to be able to have any form of relationship that will be successful. Poly relationships are all about balancing lives and compromising and making things work for all of those involved.

You have mentioned in your post that they "celebrated" their marriage, which they should. You make it sound like just because they "brought you into their relationship," that they should not have a past, and that everything before you should be unimportant. They should be able to celebrate their past without you feeling bad, as long as they still celebrate the milestones within the poly relationship with you, as well. If they refuse to recognize your anniversaries, or the dates important to the poly relationship, then you have a problem.

As far as these dates that they go on, what exactly do they do? Do they go out every night without you and just expect you to be okay with that? If so, then there could be a problem. However, if you have agreed to give them time to work on their marriage, which definitely sounds like it could use some TLC, then you cannot be too upset when they try to do that.

You should not say things that you do not mean in relationships, because it only leads to problems and resentment for their spending time together.

Do either of them make an effort to spend any time with you, or are they always by themselves? It sounds like from this and some of your other posts that the three of you are all very busy people, and that could play into some of the bad scheduling. Sometimes that is all a relationship really needs, a set schedule of things to do and when to do them.

Now you have mentioned that you love this little girl, but you make it seem like it is such a burden to have to "babysit" her. Do you consider yourself to be a part of the relationship and the family? That little girl probably sees you as a parent, as many children of poly parents do, because they do not know the difference. While she is not your biological child, you got into the relationship knowing that the child was a part of the package. When a child is under your care, and you and that child love each other like a parent-child relationship normally is, it is not called babysitting, it is called being a parent.

Do your bf and gf ask you to watch their child, or simply expect it?

Was it something that you had said was ok when you got into the relationship?

You have said that you do not work, or contribute financially to the relationship, and that they are your providers, so having the responsibility of taking care of the child shouldn't be too big of a burden, as long as they aren't just going out and excluding you every night. You say how much you want things in this relationship to be equal by acting as if they shouldn't have a past, but then you turn around and say that you don't want to have it equal when it comes to being a parent to the child, which if you didn't want that, then they would have to hold onto some of that past that it seems you are so desperate to try to erase.

You also mentioned in this post that on top of feeling like a live-in babysitter, that you also feel as if you are Glenn's sex toy for the things that your pregnant gf cannot do.

What exactly can you do for him that she can't?

What is your sexual relationship like with Sam?

You have only mentioned your relationship with Glenn, which again, doesn't sound like you want an equal relationship. You make it seem as if you are only appreciated for the things that you are able to do in the sack, and nothing else, with Glenn. If that is the case, then make an effort to do other things besides have sex.

I am mixed about this because you seem to be complaining about them having a past, and then not wanting to move forward as being a part of the family, and being a parent to the child. They need time to work on their broken marriage, and you agreed to that, but they do need to make time for you, as well.

You do not contribute to the household. You seem to complain about having to do something as simple as watching a little girl, when they could definitely require you pay your share of the bills.

You need to do some things to gain your independence from the relationship, but you also need to appreciate what you have in it.

You need to figure out what is causing you to feel like a sex toy for Glenn, and why you don't mention much about your relationship with Sam.

In the end, I'd recommend getting some therapy, couples and individual.
 
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