Too Many Problems, Not Much Help, And I Need It! PLEASE

[GSAS082612]

So while I am looking to UNDERSTAND how to take care of what is “wrong” with the relationship, both Sam and Glenn have referred to me as “demanding attention” and “complaining.” They tell me that I am “difficult to handle” and that I am “complex.” Glenn says he is a simple mind and that I am not and that he loves that about me, but when it comes down to it, with fights and issues and trying to get adjusted to the relationship, they refer to me in such a negative way that it pisses me off. Last night was again another one of those nights.

It didn't make sense why they had to go to my posts on here, and why, when they did, they had to get on me for being one-sided.

I am NOT intending to be one-sided, but I can’t tell everyone else how THEY feel, because we ALL see things on a different perspective. When people talk about situations they are in, naturally it is one-sided, because they are in the situation, and you don’t ever really see the other people(s) sides until after they explain it. And I post this all at the peak of my anger, to be honest., because that is when my emotions are aware of exactly how they feel. I know just what I feel, and how they make me seem, and I’d rather NOT, not get help, if that makes any sense? I want help. I want people to tell me where I could be wrong in the situation, where I am right. How it could be fixed, if there is any “fixing” needed at all or even if I am plain out being “over-emotional.”

No, I don’t ALWAYS take criticism well, but what person really does, all the time? I am just seeking help for a very twisted relationship. And we have so many different situations, I am desperate for someone’s insight.

SITUATIONS:

a) Sam’s jealousy with Glenn and I being together, and ever having conversations without her.

b) Glenn’s distrust in both Sam and I and his accusatory ways of assuming I have “feelings” for friends of mine because they have things for me.

c) My feeling left out. With them being married, I naturally feel left out because I was thrown into the mix, 2 months before they celebrated their 1-year marriage anniversary, and 4 months before they celebrated their 3-year relationship.

d) The “baby” issue. With my not being able to have the opportunity to have a baby, the emotions run high because Sam is pregnant, and I am having to cope with my miscarriage 5 months ago and not having a chance to have my own family.

e) The issue of Sam’s infidelity, and Glenn trying to work to "fix his marriage,” which leaves me suffering. When they work on that, I am going to be jealous and I will get cranky. I can do it, and I will, because I love them. But does it mean my emotions don’t matter? Or do I really have to suck it up and let them work it out, and be emotionally numb?

f) Quality time being shot. They seem to think I am making it all about me. And I think I am TRYING to make it all about them. I am concerned for their marriage but as well I have to think of where I am going, when it comes down to it.

So, they both have needed to take care of me, because I was in the ER twice last week, so they were unable to get quality time, anniversary time, fixing the marriage time, or even Glenn’s personal time that he says he needs. I don’t get much time with Glenn, or Sam, or both. With their work, and my schooling, we don’t get much time together. Truthfully, I see Jocelynn more than I see them.

Those are only some of the issues we are trying to deal with. For the sake of them, what am I doing wrong? But really, what can I do to help with ANY of the situations?

 

[GalaGirl]

Honey, I am sorry you are hurting, but it comes back full circle, time and again.

• You are doing your best to communicate and articulate your wants, needs, and limits to your polyship people.
• They are not willing to change behavior to meet your wants, needs and limits, yet expect you to meet their wants, needs and limits.
• Or change something you can change, to see if you feel better:
  • You can accept this, and stay, and change your attitude about it.
  • You can choose to keep the relationship, but change where you live so you don't have to be "too close for comfort" witnessing drama
  • You can choose to leave the relationship because it does not feed you
  • You can choose something else I have not though of, or do some mixing and matching. You have OPTIONS. Exercise them.

They talk down to you, using violent communication words like this:

Sam and Glenn have referred to me as “demanding attention” and “complaining.” They tell me that I am “difficult to handle” and that I am “complex.”

... rather than using non-violent communication words? Well, that's not kind.

Feedback on your situations? You could assess it honestly to yourself. I am not there, but if I were--

a) Sam’s jealousy with Glenn and I being together, and ever having conversations without her.

I would want to know if she is planning on dealing with her jealousy in constructive ways to overcome it, or not? Sounds like not, to me, given your past posts. If there's no trust there, there is not 100% trust in this polyship.

b) Glenn’s distrust in both Sam and I and his accusatory ways of assuming I have “feelings” for friends of mine because they have things for me.

I would want to know if he's planning on dealing with his own jealousy there? Sounds like not, to me, given your past posts. If there's no trust there, there is not 100% trust in this polyship.

c) My feeling left out. With them being married, I naturally feel left out because I was thrown into the mix, 2 months before they celebrated their 1-year marriage anniversary and 4 months before they celebrated the 3-year relationship.

You were thrown into the mix, or you agreed to enter into this relationship. Own your part of the elephant, hon.

The other half, having been in this relationship with them for a time-- if I found they did not provide me with an emotionally-safe space-- ex: they read my venting posts and fuss at me at home in destructive, trust-breaking-down ways, rather than constructive trust-building-up ways-- I would find it hard to trust them, because they do not communicate with me in a way where I can feel heard and respected. But you're the one there. Do you feel that way?

Are they planning to provide you with your wants, needs, and limits at home or not? So far, it seems like they are not.

d) The “baby” issue. With my not being able to have the opportunity to have a baby, the emotions run high, because Sam is pregnant, and I am having to cope with my miscarriage 5 months ago and not having a chance to have my own family.

That is your part of the elephant. You can have a baby when you want to, with a partner who wants to share that with you or via donor sperm. Your body and your reproductive choices are yours.

You are choosing to give that up because you are choosing to stay in this relationship. It's your value-call there.

If this is unsatisfactory, if this poly network cannot accommodate your desire for future children, then perhaps you don't want to stay in it. Again, your call.

e) The issue of Sam’s infidelity, and Glenn trying to work to "fix his marriage” leaves me suffering. When they work on that, I am going to be jealous. I will get cranky. I can do it, and I will, because I love them. But does it mean my emotions don’t matter? Do I really have to suck it up and let them work it out, and be emotionally numb?

While their dyad in the larger polyship world deservers TLC time, so do the dyads that have you in them:
You + your relationship to yourself
You + Glenn
You + Sam
You + Glenn + Sam, the triad


To me, it sounds like you love them, but are not receiving loving and kind behaviors from them.

• You can choose to stay there in this condition.
• Or leave the situation as it now stands - you in relationship with them and cohabitating with them. Or you could decide to own a piece of the elephant and go change something, anything. See if it feels any better to you. Change both parts, one part, something else... pick things YOU can do.
• The other option -- communicating your needs to them and asking them to make changes is not happening. You have tried repeatedly. You have made oodles of threads and posts about struggling with that. Only they can choose to change their behaviors.

Stop beating your head on that brick wall. Accept the current reality. You are not going to squeeze any juice from that particular orange. Your wants, needs, and limits are not going to be met here, not right now, not sure when, if ever.

Are you willing to still wait around to see, or are you done? Only you can answer that kind of personal question.

I see that you suffer, and I am very sorry. But you are not making changes yourself to see if things improve. Pick something else to try to change.

f) Quality time being shot. They seem to think I am making it all about me. And I think I am TRYING to make it all about them. I am concerned for their marriage but as well I have to think of where I am going when it comes down to it. So, they both have needed to take care of me because I was in the E.R. twice last week so they were unable to get quality time, anniversary time, fixing the marriage time. Or even Glenn’s personal time that he says he needs. I don’t get much time with Glenn, or Sam, or both. With their work, and my schooling, we don’t get much time together. Truthfully, I see Jocelynn more than I see them.

Welcome to the reality of not being in a 3-person relationship, but a 4-person, soon to be 5-person family (with Jocelyn and the boy on the way).

The polymath for a 5-person unit, using Serolynne's formula, is:

2^n - n - 1

(Mine is a bit more because I break it out deeper, but let's use Serolynne's, since you can read the article.)

Currently the family has 4 people.

2^4 - 4 - 1

gives you

(2*2*2*2) - 5

or

There are 11 different tiers of relationship there to balance.

He works, she works, you go to high school, which is about 8 hrs each. Then there are 8 hrs of sleep, and at least 3 hours dealing with shopping for food, cooking it, washing up. Never mind the other house chores. It's probably more sucked up with chores. That gives you each maybe 5 hours a day to maintain the relationships in your polymath, plus any relatives, friends, other people.

Love may be infinite, but human resources are not.

You are not happy in this shape with these resources.

Bring on the new baby? New formula.

2^5 - 5 - 1

or

(2*2*2*2*2) - 6

... which gives you 26 relationships in very near future to have to balance now, on 5 hours a day, and resources that won't stretch to cover your needs now.

Everyone has a polysaturation point. You sound beyond yours.

So... again.

Your wants and needs are not being met here. You are beyond your limits.

Change something, anything.

If it were me, I would break up and leave, so as not to drown.

At the very least, I would move out, and then I would not have to deal with witnessing their marriage drama, or the kid stuff now, or the newborn stuff to come. You don't like being treated like the automatic babysitter just because you live there. You are still grieving your miscarriage and not happy about the limit imposed -- like the price of admission in this polyship is you never having a child.

Remove some of the stressors by living elsewhere. You could still date them. But it would tone down the volume, at least on the stress.

You are in a hard place, where you have to really examine what you value most, and what you need to prioritize so that you/your health are being tended to. You say it yourself:

I am concerned for their marriage, but I have to think of where I am going, when it comes down to it.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

I want people to tell me where I could be wrong in the situation, where I am right. How it could be fixed, if there is any “fixing” needed at all, or even if I am plain-out being overly emotional.

Okay. Here goes, though you may not want to hear it: YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS TRIAD.

You are not being overly emotional, not here, anyway. Maybe you are there. I don't know, but your needs are expressed fairly reasonably here.

There is fixing needed, but you can't do it alone. You have already been trying. They have to fix it, by considering your needs as equal to theirs, rather than less important.

Yes, it certainly sounds like they have a lot of issues to work on in their marriage, and a pregnancy is just going to make everything harder, emotionally and schedule-wise. You can not do anything about this. It's on them.

And I know you don't want to hear this either, but no matter how mature you are, you are a very young adult. You do not have much life experience yet. Hell, I'm twice your age, and sometimes I don't know what to do either! I am very sorry you had to go through a miscarriage. I've been through one also, so I understand somewhat. But this statement:

not having a chance to have my own family.

doesn't make sense to me. Unless there were further issues, because of, or after your miscarriage, you have years left to have a family. Even if you can't have biological children, you can adopt in the future, if you so choose. So you will have chances. You maybe don't have chances right now.

I certainly understand the sadness, jealousy, and guilt that could arise from watching Sam's pregnancy. But consider this: are you perhaps working under the false belief that having a child would have "fixed" things? It wouldn't have. You'd be even more alone. Having a child does not magically make people consider your needs, if they weren't inclined to before.

So, to restate, here is what you're doing wrong: you're staying. You're letting them treat you in a way that is not healthy. And rather than leaving them to their drama, you're staying to participate in it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've watched you post a lot of the same stuff over and over since you joined. In my opinion, it needed to be flat-out said, since other responses don't seem to have gotten through.

 

[opalescent]

What TGIG said.

Also, when someone says they are simple, and refer to you as complex or hard or difficult, what they are actually saying is, "My way of seeing things is superior, and you need to change to accommodate my better way."

 

[Marcus]

Those are only some of the issues we are trying to deal with. For the sake of them, what am I doing wrong? But really, what can I do to help with ANY of the situations?

First, calm down. You sound like you are losing your shit and need to take a deep breath and back away from this. Do you have a friend you can stay with for a couple of days? Seriously, while you guys are all (apparently) foaming at the mouth, I assure you that there can be no progress.

Second, change your sig: "Closed Polyfidelitous Triad." I say this because, the reason you are trapped in this relationship the way it is set up is because you have volunteered to be trapped in it. I live by right, not permission, which means that I do not have to either ride the horse or shoot it in the head.

In the end, this is a problem that the three of you seem to have worked very hard to create. Stop complaining about what they do. Take some responsibility for what you are going to do with your life. You sound like someone who thinks they are a victim. That can only be true if you insist that it is.

 

[eternallygreatful]

It is easy to understand why they have said that your posts come off one-sided. They are one-sided.

You do not know their exact feelings. But when you are in a relationship with someone, you can somewhat gauge what they are feeling.

I have read all of your posts before replying to this one, because I know that just reading one post can give you a misleading judgment of the author. But all of your posts say the same thing-- "Woe is me!"

I can tell that there is a part of you that knows their relationship is hanging by a thread, and that if their relationship falters, then so could your entire life. But you come off like you only care about what they could do for you, and what is wrong in your life. They probably have many issues they are working through, just as you are.

You have said that you are closed off. That would make you hard to deal with, a hard person to be in a relationship with. Maybe them looking at your posts was a way to try to break the ice and find something to build off of, if you weren't giving them anything to go off of.

I can see where they would say that you demand attention, because you have posted the same complaints here over and over again! You need to spend less time on this forum looking for insight from complete strangers, and more time opening up to them and talking with them about what is going on.

In regards to what you are asking for advice on:
1. Sam's jealousy: ask her why she is jealous. See if you can work with her to get past it. Understand that jealousy is a strong emotion and it will take time and effort
2. Glenn's distrust: he has been hurt and will of course be leery of anyone hanging around you. You said he is accusatory of you having feelings for your friends. Try taking a look at how you act around these friends and see if his worries have any bearings.
3. Being left out: You came into an existing relationship. They have things in their past that they are proud of and want to celebrate. You have to understand that. I am sure you do things that make them feel left out too, as you have mentioned with Sam's jealousy.
4. The baby issue: you are young and will have more chances to have children. as many as you want! However, right now, if you are this concerned about the status of your relationship, and can't find anything but problems, then you shouldn't be trying to bring a child into it now anyway. That seems to be Glenn's position in not wanting to father a child with you.
5. Sam's infidelity: you have said you would give them time to work on their problems, but seem to be angry that they are trying to. Also, you said "trying to fix his marriage," not "their marriage," again making it seem like you put more priority into him than her.
6. Quality time: know that everyone in the relationship needs individual, dyad, and triad time. Try to plan a schedule accordingly.

 

[NovemberRain]

I really recommend this article to you: http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/ It's long, but well worth the read. I think it might help you understand why they might be having trouble. I think it would help you understand why you are having some of the problems you're having.

 

[Pyuvii]

Well, I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said already, but the one thing I will mention is that other people do not inherently know how you're feeling. I'd say to bring up to them how you are feeling, politely explain it to them. This doesn't always get you anywhere, but at least then they'd be informed.

-hugs- Your feelings are important too!