Polyamorous girlfriend wants to see ex-boyfriend...am I right to feel uneasy?

[JaneQSmythe]

Ever heard the phrase 'the world is your mirror'?

Nope, so I looked it up.

I like the longer quote better:

"The world is your mirror and your mind is a magnet. What you perceive is in this world is largely a reflection of your own attitudes and beliefs. Life will give you what you attract with your thoughts. Think, act and talk negatively and your world will be negative. Think and act and talk with enthusiasm and you will attract positive results."

Author: Michael Leboeuf

It seems that you are seeing a lot of negativity here. I'm sorry. My interactions on these forums have been positive and enlightening. Sometimes people are rude, sometimes people get my hackles up, sometimes people get defensive, sometimes people take things I say the wrong way-- much like in "real life." We are limited to text, and that is a difficult medium to interpret. We are missing all of the non-verbal communication that conveys tone and intent. But we are trying.

People come here every day with pain and confusion, and with joy and delight. We share our experiences and commiserate and celebrate with each other. Some people benefit and some don't. Some people stay and others move on. Some people will agree with your opinions and some people won't. Again, much like "real life." Some people have wrestled with similar issues, some haven't. I take each post with a grain of salt, consider the source, glean what is useful and disregard the chaff.

For instance, I rarely respond to threads on D/s dynamics. That is so far removed from how I conceptualize my relationships that I feel I can't even begin to understand where the participants are coming from, that I feel any comment I have to offer would be offensive in some way. I also steer clear of transgender issues, as I am almost completely ignorant of the complexities of negotiating the world from that viewpoint.

JaneQ

 

[Sonas]

I obviously can't say I know exactly how you feel because everyone's situation is different, but I can relate at least a bit. I very recently started a relationship with a guy who's still dating his girlfriend (Rhaenes, actually!) of almost three and a half years. We've all been friends for a while.

Granted, I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to this, but I can definitely relate to your feeling worried. I worry about the same things, to be honest; you find yourself wondering how it can all end up being equal when two members have a more extensive past, and a tighter emotional bond, even if it is only due to time.

But the solution I came up with for myself was simple: give it time. I'm in no hurry to make a decision about this. I'm not moving in with these two tomorrow. I'm not signing my life over to something I'm not sure about. I think people have misgivings about any relationship, whether it be friendship, dating, or a poly relationship like this.

I agree with what everyone else has been saying: communicate. Be honest about your fears, the things you're uncomfortable with. Make sure your girlfriend knows if you're feeling hurt or ignored or anything like that.

The only advice I can give is don't rule anything out right away without giving it time. I know I'm already very surprised by how included I feel, rather than the "side girl" effect I thought I was going to have to deal with.

In the end, this kind of situation may not be for you, but don't be ashamed by what you're feeling, and don't think you're wrong or alone in feeling it. That's what forums like this are for, to remind you that there are people going through similar situations! I wish you the best of luck with everything, and hope you find a solution that works for all of you.

 

[ManofDiscovery]

It seems that you are seeing a lot of negativity here. I'm sorry. My interactions on these forums have been positive and enlightening. Sometimes people are rude, sometimes people get my hackles up, sometimes people get defensive, sometimes people take things I say the wrong way-- much like "real life." We are limited to text, and that is a difficult medium to interpret. We are missing all of the non-verbal communication that conveys tone and intent. But we are trying.

Thanks for your balanced, flame-free post.

It makes a nice change to speak to someone here without being personally insulted. The fact that a person says they need a 'method of attack' because character insults are not allowed, says it all.

What kind of discussion board needs attack as its primary point-making tool?