Husband demands a houseboy (permanent threesome arrangement)

[GalaGirl]

I could be wrong. But I perceive that as this--

"I need to feel connected with my spouse. I would like for connection to come as a sex share."​

You could let go of the METHOD, sex, and focus on the OUTCOME-- "I feel connected with my spouse."

You could ask something like...

​

"I need to feel connected to you. Would you be willing to hold me for a minute?"​

See if you feel better. You can't force the man to be willing to have sex with you. You could ask if he would be willing to share a hug.

You have a boatload of other stuff to deal with on your plate. Maybe other needs too-- the need to be reassured, to share burdens to lighten the load.

Jax breaking up with James does not resolve the other problems: his emotional maturity, his up and down moods, or his travel "plan."

What's up with the blame shifting? Him calling it your dislike of James, rather than James's poor conduct, or his own poor conduct?

He asked you if he could have sex with James, not in a threesome. You could reply:

1) I do not want to have sex with James in a threesome.​

​

2) I cannot and do not control you. But you do not have my goodwill and blessing to have sex with James one-on-one.​

If you are concerned about him cheating, if/when you have sex with Jax, use barrier methods. Better no sex til this is resolved. You don't need cooties.

He still doesn't sound stable to me right now. Losing one loony villager in the mix (James) doesn't mean you still aren't still living in crazy town.

You could assess Jax with a clearer eye and evaluate what he is/is not capable of providing you at this time.

Reassurance in this case, when his word is shaky, I dunno. Time will tell. But you could reassure yourself that no matter what happens, YOU can keep on truckin' in taking care of yourself.

Support for unburdening? Maybe you would like a counselor's support at this difficult time. (Or a minister, if you have one. And/or family/friends in real life.)

Don't get so hung up on Jax providing for all your needs that you do not avail yourself of other means of getting some of your needs met, so you can make it through a challenging time in better condition.

This isn't fun, I know. Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[Jeteo]

I could be wrong. But I perceive that as this...

"I need to feel connected with my spouse. I would like for it to come as a sex share."​

You could let go of the METHOD (sex share) and focus on the OUTCOME (I feel connected with my spouse.) You could ask something like:

"I need to feel connected to you. Would you be willing to hold me for a minute?"​

Thank you for your advice. I was looking forward to it. Your previous replies helped me a lot.
The reason I am putting sex so high on the list is because he told me (when he was trying to dump me for James) that he was no longer sexually attracted to me. That's when I actually started tracking how often we were doing it.

You can't force the man to be willing to have sex with you. You could ask if he would be willing to share a hug.

I know. I definitely cannot make him want it, and he will hug me if I ask. But I need to know what goes on in his heart.

You have a boatload of other stuff to deal with on your plate. Maybe other needs too, to be reassured, to share burdens, to lighten the load.

Most definitely. I'm insecure and don't know what to do, because he always made me feel like I was his no.1 priority, the most important person in the world, and I no longer feel that, and its devastating. I told him that, and he said "You still are," but he was probably just trying to comfort me...

Because him breaking up with James does not resolve the other problems, like his emotional maturity, his up and down moods, his travel plans

Correct. He broke contact with James, but I don't believe he quit on the idea of making this triad happen. I still think he will come with the suggestion that it MUST happen.

He still doesn't sound stable to me right now.

He isn't, at this point neither am I. I ask myself how this happened, because I was truly happy. Apparently he wasn't and exploded all over my face in a short period of time. I didn't see any of this coming. I was not prepared for all these sudden changes in his priorities. I don't understand why the sexual fantasy of being a Master with a slave farm (really, he wants that) overpowers having a loving husband.

Support for unburdening? Maybe you would like a counselor's aid in a difficult time. (Minister...Family... Friends in RL?)
Don't get so hung on HIM providing for all your needs that you do not avail yourself to OTHER means of getting some of your needs met, so you can make it through a challenging time in better condition.

He feels responsible for me, but hey... that was part of the deal when you seduce an 18 year old. He insisted on taking care of my every need, but to the point that right now I only have him to turn to, or family/friends over the web. At the end of the day, if we do break up, I will be miserable, and he still has the power and experience to restart his life, as he has done in the past. He has lived in over 12 different cities, he is used to having a new start, but I'm not. I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him, and so did he. He told me that before, I don't understand why it has changed so abruptly.

Yesterday we had sex in the morning (yay, end of celibacy) and I thought we were getting on the right track. But during breakfast he got pissed because I deleted a message from a "potential slave." He got angry. I was undermining his efforts of becoming a master, he thought I was his partner and would support his decisions. In a few seconds, he told me, "I still think about breaking up with you"!

Needless to say, it totally crushed me. I tried in the morning, afternoon, and even had a crying attack in the evening, sobbing and everything. He tried to comfort me (he really tried), took me to bed, we hugged, even fell asleep. We NEVER hug while napping or sleeping. He falls asleep on me, but then goes to his side to actually sleep for the night. But that is fine. It's just the position he likes.

I told him that I need security, stability (he knows that) and that I can't go on wondering if we're going to last a day, a week, a month. I said all I wanted to hear was that he wouldn't leave me because he does love me, and he said it. Now, since I was crying my heart out, he might have said it just to comfort me. I don't really know if he meant it. But he did say he regrets telling me that he was thinking about breaking up, not because it wasn't true, but because he hates seeing me hurt.

James is gone, and that might be temporary. Jax will continue his search for other slaves. The traveling thing has been slowing down lately, but he now wants a bike, a BMW, so we're gonna shed 16-20k for this toy. He says it's to cut traffic, but we both know it's just a bigger penis, a symbol of youth and independence. If it was for traffic, any bike would do, but he wants a really cool one.

Most people here advise me, "Break with him! Move on! It's over!" and I wonder if these people ever had a lasting relationship, or a truly loving relationship. I'm not yet at the point where I'm willing to give up on us. I still love him, and I know that he loves me, not as much as I do, but he still does.

 

[GalaGirl]

Please forgive me if this sounds blunt or rude, ok? I don't not mean it that way. I just don't know how to say it delicately. But do you think you are dealing with him going mentally ill or what?

This extreme behavior stuff is alarming. He says one thing one minute, then does contradicting behavior, then he's back on another thing. It sounds bipolar to me. I'm no doctor. It could be something else. But something is off here. If you think that is what you have on your hands, I repeat my previous advice.

Ignore him for a bit. Get YOURSELF into a healthier head space first. Then determine the next choice that is on YOUR plate:

• If you need to deal with some serious health care actions, prepare. If he won't go get checked out voluntarily, you may have to look into your involuntary commitment options. ASK him to get checked out voluntarily. If he will not? Then be prepared for the next step.
• If you are just done here with loopy, and don't have it in you to deal with a mental-illness rollercoaster, be done and walk away. Alert his next of kin and save yourself. Love him from a safer distance so you are not in the line of fire if he's bent on self destruction.

Don't bother asking WHY. Like WHY does he want to have a slave farm and be a master when he can't even take care of one husband properly?

Asking "why" in this case could be like asking a blind person why they cannot see. Or asking a deaf person why they cannot hear. It just IS, dude. There is no why. You could not ask an untreated mentally unstable person why they say/do mentally unstable-seeming kinds of things. It just is.

Rather than ask why, get him to healthcare and/or get yourself out of harm's way.

This is hard. I know change and contemplating life without him is hard and not fun. Contemplating life as a caregiver with an unstable patient person is hard and unfun too.

But that's not a reason for you to stay in harm's way, stuck, along for the ride, from fear of a future without him.

Get a bit more assertive. Deal with what is on your plate in constructive ways. Do the job in front of you. Keep your OWN oxygen mask on first and maintain your healthy boundaries.

Then "pick your hard."

hugs,
Galagirl

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

or a truly loving relationship.

More to the point, have you? If you've had a truly loving relationship with him in the past, and feel you recognize what a truly loving relationship is, I don't understand how you can continue convincing yourself that this relationship is loving. I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm not saying he does. I don't and can't know. But from what you've said, his BEHAVIORS are not loving. You don't feel as though you can trust him (as evidenced by not knowing if he means something he said or was "just saying it to comfort you"), you don't feel secure (some insecurity can be worked out internally. But this yo-yo behavior of his is not something YOU can change or fix), and you are not happy, though you remember when you were. He tells you he is not attracted to you and is thinking of breaking up with you. So please, even if you don't explain to US, really think about how you are justifying his treatment of you. Loving him is not enough for a relationship. Anyone whose love has ever gone unrequited can tell you that. And regardless of how much you love him, you need to love yourself just as much or more and make the choices that will be healthiest for and protect YOU.