Feeling very confused and sad

[AZtriad]

So me and my husband have had a gf for 2 months. We are all starting to fall in love with each other, talking about moving in together and everything. Till last night our world came crashing down. Last night she told us that she doesn't think she can do this. Totally came out of nowhere. Talking some more, she told us that she is having a hard time that she and him can't have intimate "alone" time, and he and I don't have alone time.

She thinks I don't trust her to have alone time with him. It's not that I don't trust them. I let them go out on a date every week and I'm ok with that. as far as having sex without me, it's not that I'm not ok with it. I'm just not comfortable yet. Me and him have been together for 12 yrs and married 10 yrs. I'm just working up to letting them be alone together.

Is it wrong of me to feel that way? I'm feeling extremely guilty and sad. I don't want to lose her. I love her very much, and my husband does too.

I told him that he can have sex with her without me. I don't know if I'm 100% ready, but for the sake of our relationship, I'm going to be ok with it. She feels that it's not fair that I get to have sex with him without her. And I get it. She's right. So now I'm here, hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us. Scared and sad we are going to lose her. What do I do? Was I wrong?

 

[Natja]

Hey AZ,

I have a well-documented problem with this configuration, so I have to curb down my prejudice a bit. I have some negative experiences and I know some of the common pitfalls. So take from that what you will and I hope my advice is sound.

So me and my husband have had a gf for 2 months. We are all starting to fall in love with each other. talking about moving in together and everything.

Your last post on here stated you were feeling very emotional, vulnerable and left out. I know in triads when things seem up they are very up and they appear to mitigate the negative times. But do you really, seriously feel that when you have had a new and more complicated, emotional relationship for only two months, that you should discuss moving in together? Are you really ready for that sort of commitment? Please (x1000) do not rush that. It can be the worst decision you make, rushing things when you still have so much emotional work to do.

Last night she told us that she doesn't think she can do this. This totally came out of nowhere.

I think it is fair to assume it did not come out of nowhere to her. Perhaps she had been expressing some dissatisfaction before, but you did not recognise it because you were preoccupied with your own feelings of insecurity. Which, IIRC, you had trouble expressing to them also. Try and put yourself in her shoes. She may be intimidated by your relationship and the fact that you feel it acceptable to pull rank on her and her burgeoning relationship with your mutual partner.

It could be possible that she feels that no matter what you will never really be equilateral and she feels controlled by you.

It's not that I don't trust them. I let them go out on a date every week and I'm ok with that.

She is his partner too, but your language is one of ownership. This 'I let them' this sort of thought process could come out in other ways, making her feel destabilised and not in control of her own relationship.

As far as having sex without me, it's not that I'm not ok with it. I'm just not comfortable yet.

Intimacy is an important part of developing and maintaining relationships. Do you really think it is reasonable to control someone else's sexuality like that?

Personally, if someone told me that I could not have sex with my partner, I would be quite vexed. Well, that is how she is feeling. And frankly, I would be disinclined to have sex with the person who controlled my sexuality that way.

(Please note, I know that others have a completely different take on it, especially those who do hierarchy. But you describe yourself as a triad. We think of a triad as three people with equal rights as partners, otherwise you are just a threesome, really, or a couple with a girlfriend. If that is how you look at it, fine. That is ok. But call it what it is, and make sure that your girlfriend realises where she fits in the scheme of things. Allow her the freedom to leave and pursue other relationships that may give her what she wants. Don't try to control her sexuality, and her ability to find and connect to a person who may be able to be numero uno to her, just as you insist on being numero uno to your husband. Anything less is not right.)

Is it wrong of me to feel that way? I'm feeling extremely guilty and sad.

Are you feeling guilty because you are keeping control? Or are you feeling guilty because you may have jeopardised your relationship? I think it might help to figure out the root of this guilt. Then you may be better placed to know how to move forward.

I don't want to lose her. I love her very much, and my husband does too. I told him that he can have sex with her without me. I don't know if I'm 100% ready, but for the sake of our relationship I'm going to be ok with it.

Well, clearly you are not 'ok with it.' You just mean you are not going to make a fuss beforehand. But does that mean you will be able to keep your cool during or after? It is worth being honest, but you also have to accept that your reactions are born of insecurity (been there, done that), and work on that primarily, rather than rely on controlling the behaviour of others. Frankly, if your needs are being met (and it is clear that sexually you are getting what you want) then anything else is simply jealousy.

Now, personally, I am always a lot more comfortable with 'out of sight, out of mind.' I don't want to sit next to people, any people, no matter how much I may love them, having sex in front of me. Now, it does not bother some. I understand that. But it bothers me. So I would rather be out of the house, or them be out of the house. So, if you are really certain that this is the way you wish to play things, for goodness sake, tell them to spend the night at her house. Or even better, take yourself out and have a lovely time without them, whether you go a movie or to dinner, or have a girls' night out with a friend drinking cocktails and flirting with half nekkid waiters... whatever floats your boat.

Do not sit in the living room crying into your ice cream whilst they get it on in a bedroom. That is a recipe for instant relationship death!!!

So now I'm here, hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to lose her. What do I do? Was I wrong?

You may lose her, simply because this is a very unstable configuration. Stop thinking of her as a thing you own, and start thinking of her as a person you value for being whom she is, and the love she brings to your (as in you, singular, not you and your husband's) life. He needs to walk his own path with her. Once you stop thinking of yourself as a unit, with the entitlement to full and equal joint access to your toy, you will be much happier, and she will be more likely to stick around.

I hope this helps,
Natja

 

[AnnabelMore]

Triads are complex and hard. There will be more bumps in the road like this, things that are harder than expected for her, for you, for him. It can be hard to predict, and there may well be dealbreakers down the road. Being in constant, close proximity will make everything 50x harder. I would strongly suggest waiting until the relationship is at least at the one-year mark before considering having everyone live together.

That said, did you do something wrong? That's a very subjective question. I'd say yes and no. I don't think it's objectively wrong to say "threesome sex only," but I do think it would be inaccurate to have that rule in effect and consider what you're doing to be a real, serious relationship of the depth to be ready to consider blending your lives. I'm a huge fan of threesomes, but I believe that one-on-one time is crucial for building real intimacy.

Some reading that may help:
http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html
http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/

Best of luck!

 

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Opening up

Opening an existing relationship up in the ways that you are speaking about is difficult for everyone involved. Many people on this forum demonize couples attempting to build triads. There are a lot of things that can go wrong, and after awhile those observing from outside can see patterns, and feel like they know what will come next. And in some ways they do. But what they don't know is how it feels to open a marriage up; the feelings that result from that can be some of the worst feelings ever. Call it insecurity, jealousy, whatever you like. The reality is that you are suffering. You are in the middle of feelings that you were not anticipating having.

You should not feel guilty about having uncomfortable feelings. They are a part of your experience, and they are an indicator to you that something is out of balance. The responsibility in this situation never belongs to just one person (i.e., you), or even two (i.e., you and her). The reality of these feelings belongs to three people, and almost a dozen relationships (you and your own self, you and him, you and him and her, her and him, her and you, her and herself, him and himself, etc.) The thing with triads is that they are exceedingly difficult to maintain. The initial flush of good feelings is so intoxicating, the sex is so hot, and it seems as though there is limitless potential. But there are almost always snags, and those snags get complicated really, really quickly.

So, tell me this. Why do you have to be uncomfortable so that she can be comfortable? Many people will argue that you are being controlling, or feel ownership over your husband. I find that kind of language alienating, non-inclusive and judgmental. Any successful relationship is built on a system of values, including respect, communication and compromise.

All people are different, and have different needs. And while it can seem like you have run into what appears to be a very black and white situation (i.e., she wants to sleep with your husband without you, you are uncomfortable with this idea, so you should deal with your feelings and allow her to have what she wants), it is not a black-and-white situation at all.

You and he have a longstanding relationship and commitment to each other. You love him, trust him and share a life with him. The addition of this woman has brought something magical to your life, and I imagine that he is loving it as much as you are. Y'all are having some very serious talks for two months in. But NRE (new relationship energy) will do that to you. It literally makes you high (like a narcotic), and you only see the potential good.

Moving in together at this stage is not practical. I can tell you that with 100% certainty. And telling people what to do on here is not really my bent, so you can hear that with a few exclamation points.

Opening up that relationship to a third is something that you enjoy, and are comfortable with. That's hot. That's cool. That's fun and inclusive. But now they want to have a "dyad" (two people) within the triad. She has not asked to have a dyad with you, notice. She has asked to have a dyad with him. This means that he and she get to be delighted, and you get to be upset. That puts you in a place where you're left holding all of the uncomfortable feelings, while the two of them get even more high on NRE.

Your discomfort is not just your responsibility. It also belongs to the two of them. Not in a co-dependent "You make me feel this" kind of way, but in the sense that all three of you are involved with each other, and the care and well-being of all members needs to matter to everyone involved. Respect, caring, gentleness and consciousness, anyone? C'mon, it's good stuff!

And so, how to move forward? You're being given an ultimatum by a woman whom you have only known for two months: "Let me sleep with your husband on my own, or I will break up with both of you." That seems pretty insensitive and rushed to me. Where is her compassion and consideration for you? If you are feeling uncomfortable with the idea, why is she pushing so hard for it to happen right away, at her pacing? These are questions that people who think that you see her as a "toy" are not going to ask, and that seems strange to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it's her responsibility, either. I'm saying that a successful relationship would involve all of you taking good care of each other's feelings. Maybe you should all stop having sex for a couple of weeks, and just talk with each other about how to manage insecurity, jealousy and upset, both yours and hers.

She sounds jealous of your connection, and wants that for herself. Fair enough. Why doesn't she want that with you, as well? To foster an independent sexual connection with you? Why only your husband? Or how about some conversations about what kinds of sexual things you would feel more comfortable with, to start?

For me, this appears to be a great time for questions; for the potential removal of sexual contact, to de-escalate intensity and allow everyone to cool off and do some cerebral thinking, minus the intensity of physicality; for a re-evaluation of what you might be comfortable with to allow her some autonomy with your husband. It's a lot to handle on your end. Don't let anyone imply that you don't have a right to your own experience, or that you are less than perfect just as you are.

There is no shame in emotions, good or bad. They are an experience, and yours is as valid and important as anyone else's in this relationship structure. Your feelings are valid, normal, understandable, and uncomfortable as an ass full of cactus spikes. If your partners care about you, and respect your feelings, they will move at a pace slow enough to help you feel comfortable, as well. Ultimatums, break-ups, high drama shit like that to force you into situations that are not comfortable for you, speak of disrespect and rushing that can only end badly for everyone.

It takes time, patience, negotiations, understanding, communication, compromise, pacing, integrity, honesty, the right combination of selfishness and selflessness and humility to open a relationship. Being rushed, pushed, forced, disrespected, shamed, left out or alienated will only hurt you and your marriage. Lovers will come and go, but if you two truly want to build something longer term with another lover in your life, you'll need to help each other move at a pace and intensity that is comfortable for both of you, as well as all three of you. No one person's needs come before anyone else's.

Desire, NRE, sexual lust, ideals and selfishness play heavy in triads. So take a step back and re-evaluate, spend some serious one-on-one time with your husband and be sure that you are on the same page, and have some talks with her on your own about your need for her to be respectful of your feelings, marriage and life while you struggle with some beastly emotions. If I were your girlfriend, I would not rush you. I would listen to you. I would not push you to do things that you were not ready to. If I needed a one-on-one connection so badly before you were ready, I would find one outside of this relationship. I wouldn't be trying to fuck your husband while you suffered. No way.

Does she have a right to her desires and feelings? Absolutely. But two months into a relationship with a long-standing-married-couple? Let's not rush things, eh? Let's be respectful of the fact that this is difficult for you, new, intense, and challenging. Let's move slowly so that everyone can have a good time, and not be petulant and selfish.

Just my thoughts from a different side. Nobody but you knows what is right for you, but I will say with utter certainty that speeding things up will only create more problems. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Don't let anyone alienate you with strong opinions. Find your own voice, and your own pacing.

 

[Natja]

I think the huge difference between how a single woman sees this situation, and how a married woman sees it, is pretty indicative of why triads are not very popular amongst single bisexual women, why triads rarely work, and why lots of experienced polys think they are a bad, bad idea in general.

 

[northhome]

... why lots of experienced polys think they are a bad, bad idea in general.

Is there some sort research/evidence you could supply to provide some background data to this statement?

 

[Natja]

Is there some sort research/evidence you could supply to provide some background data to this statement?

Yes, because there have been countless studies of the polyamorous community and what they say and do.

What the heck kind of stupid question is that? Have you ever been on one single *pro-triad thread on a polyamory board, ever?

The closest to it I have ever seen are threads in which every single person has been a unicorn hunter and none have actually been involved in a triad.

Yes, it is a bunch of people's opinions, but in the face of no positive examples otherwise, I feel my statement does not need any academic validation. If you want to start an academic study to disprove my hypothesis, feel free.

*Note, by "triads," I am specifically referring to a unicorn situation where there is an original (usually married) couple looking for one single woman to love and be their exclusive partner. If this does not describe you, I am not talking about you.

 

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Judgement, anger, bigotry

I find that perspectives from a place of judgement, anger and bigotry against any one particular group of people are often shrouded in misunderstanding. Opening a marriage is a particularly interesting experience for all involved. There is no one perspective that takes precedent over another in an equal, respectful relationship, and this includes the perspective of single, bisexual women. Everyone has a voice, a perspective and something to offer each other that can help all involved to grow, evolve and learn about themselves, and the complexities of others.

I find that there seems to be a widening group of people who automatically feel as though the needs of single, bisexual women who are involved with couples take precedent over the existing relationship of a couple. That it shouldn't be called into question that the behaviour of someone who has been involved with a couple for two months be held on equal footing as a relationship that has been established for twelve years. If these terms were proposed in a different sector of humanity in, say, a labour union at a factory, there would be picket lines and riots. (To be clear, I am not saying that relationships and employment rights are the same, I'm just saying that there is a structure that makes sense to the human mind/condition in our present society that a parallel can be drawn from.)

Insta-equality makes little to no sense to me. There is no hard and fast rule that states that these new individuals have everyone's best interests at heart, or know what they're doing relationship-wise as far as treating everyone with respect and grace/humility/consciousness/care. Many established relationships and marriages break up, or fall into grave peril when triads are attempted from the resulting snarls. But I see little sympathy, compassion or understanding given to the couple involved. Everyone is an individual, and has work to do in any relationship. Triads are not excluded from this reality, and couples are not inherently flawed when trying to open their relationships.

Opening oneself up to love means opening oneself up to hurt. This is not the exclusive right of single bisexual women. This is the human condition.

I'm growing increasingly tired of the bigotry and flawed prejudice against married couples opening their relationships for the first time. I have watched single-ish people flounder in poly, hurting people left, right and centre, spreading STIs, creating drama and being incredibly selfish. All human beings need to be held accountable for their behaviour, not just married people.

The single woman being pushy, self-interested and petulant about not having an independent relationship with the husband seems out of line, to me. Does she have a right to desire this? Yes. But have some respect, humility and kindness in one's heart about a longstanding relationship, as well. Be compassionate to the woman that you are co-involved with. Why force? Why badger and threaten?

I have not slept with people at all, for long stretches of time, in the beginning of relationships, and this didn't stop me from having meaningful intimacy with them. I have taken breaks from sexuality when things have become complicated, and re-evaluated where I was coming from. I have watched other people use that time to do the same, or conversely, watched people behave in ways that smacked of a lack of integrity and compassion. Single bisexual women are human beings too, last time I checked, and slowing things down to a pace that is comfortable seems like the best way to respect everyone involved in this particular situation. No one is persecuted within the context of relationships (provided that there is not abuse, which is always unacceptable, in my opinion); we are all consenting adults capable of speaking up for ourselves and respecting our partners' needs.

 

[GalaGirl]

I see you are hurting and I am sorry.

You could stay broken up. When you take a step back from it all, maybe it was just an experience you learned from.

A person you dated for two months is ready for change. You are not. I'm not sure what your husband is ready for. But "a yes, a no, and a ?" does not = "all players ready for a change." The polyship as a whole is not ready for that change so it can happen in harmony.

If she wants her needs to come before the need of the larger polyship to function in harmony, is she a team player? Maybe not. Do you want to play with her long term? Maybe not. But maybe she doesn't want to play with you because she wants a faster speed in her polyship. Fair enough. Don't have a relationship together, then. Stop dating her.

Every tier in a poly relationship needs to grow and develop in its own time. That is fine. But honestly, at two months in, wanting to move in together? Threesomes already? Where's the hurry?

It seems awfully fast to me. I would not be having threesomes at two months in. I wouldn't even be having one-on-one-somes. But I am not you, and I am not her. Everyone's speed for sharing sex is different. Some people are ready to share sex sooner than others. It is a basic compatibility thing. That is what dating time is FOR -- to figure out if you are all compatible.

First conflict and she wants to bail? She sounds kinda "flimsy flier." You don't need that in relationships, mono or poly. "Flimsy fliers" are not dependable.

How does this help to build trust? That is the issue here. Some things are earned over time, and trust is one of them. It is not like a rock that you have or do not have in your pocket. Trust is grown over time, developed like exercise for a muscle.

I find it interesting she just wants you to give your trust. She's not asking you to give her an opportunity to earn your trust, demonstrate her trustworthiness.

I see that you are upset and disappointed that she made a decision for herself without giving the triad a chance to meet her needs. I see that you are disappointed that she broke up with you both. It is not unreasonable to feel those things.

• But just as she has the right to have her needs to be met at the speed she likes, and to leave the triad if it does not suit her;
• You have the right to have your needs be met the way you like;
• And he has the right to have his needs be met the way he likes.

If the overlapping needs of all the players cannot be met in this triad, so be it. Those are the limits of the relationship/s. This 'ship doesn't fly. It is nobody's fault. You could do your self care, post break-up. Let it be.

Life is long. You don't have to have it all up front. Dating is the search to find compatible partners. Not all dating partners are destined to be long-haul runners. It is what it is.

When you are ready to date again, and think/hope to grow it to a triad space, you could carry forward what you've learned from this dating experience. Maybe you decide to slow it down, to let your next relationship unfold how it will, and enjoy the unfolding journey. If the triad magic is still there, it's gonna still be there in 3, 6, 9, 12 months. But maybe you decide to talk beforehand about how you want to be treated, if the dating time comes, and you find the magic is not there. Maybe the next time you attempt to poly-date, you state in advance how you would like to be broken up with, if the person feels the need to terminate the relationship. You could make your preferences known.

You don't have to be like a kid in a candy store, grabbing it all, wanting to have it all up front, right out of the starting gate. Keep it realistic.

A triad is essentially three Vs trying to happen at once. It's not impossible, but it requires good people skills. Explore your new partner's skills and abilities before getting in too deep with them. Guard against NRE drunkenness moving it faster than is healthy for all players. It might fly or it might not. Prepare for both scenarios. Talk to your husband and potentials about what they expect, how they want to be treated; let them know what you expect, how you want to be treated.

Sometimes the limitations the polyship bumps into are in that bucket. People may have the desire to try. But once they actually do, they may come to find the attraction is not there, or the people skills are not there, or the expectations are not realistic and reasonable for a healthy triad. Also, as you have more dating experiences, you might find what you want and need is changing.

Maybe you want to try again to form a triad, three Vs at once. Or maybe you want to let go of that. You and your spouse can choose to date separately, and deal with building two Vs at once, rather than three Vs at once with the same person. Or maybe one of you takes a dating break, while the other one continues to date.

How you guys want it to play out so the marriage can digest opening better is on you, as you learn about yourselves and your own personal limitations.

Take heart. It is hard to feel loveable when you feel unloved. But just because this dating partner is not a runner doesn't meant you are a horrible person. You are just a hurting person right now. That's all right. In time, the hurt will stop.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Yes. This.

GalaGirl, I salute you. Well put. This is the essence of what my long-winded post was. I wanted to address the bigotry against married people opening up as well, but the heart of it is that pacing, comfort and respect are everything in relationships.

Let's remove the "third," and think about it without the wife involved. "If you don't sleep with me, I will break up with you." That is what has been put on the table. Already pretty yucky. Add a wife with insecurities and horrible feelings into the mix, and it gets uglier. "If you don't let me sleep with you/your husband, I will break up with both of you. My feelings and needs are more important than anyone else's." Yikes. Yikes, indeed.

Single bisexual women are not knights in shining armour, nor damsels in distress. They are their own people with their own strengths and weaknesses, and should be looked at as such. Not everyone is relationship material. Petulant, pushy, disrespectful, ultimatum-giving folks are not for me, single, married or otherwise.

 

[BoringGuy]

I find that perspectives that speak from a place of judgement, anger and bigotry against any one particular "group" of people are often shrouded in misunderstanding. Opening a marriage is a particularly interesting experience for all involved; there is no one perspective that takes precedent over another in an equal, respectful relationship, and this includes the perspective of single bisexual women. Everyone has a voice, a perspective and something to offer each other that can help all involved to grow, evolve and learn about themselves, and the complexities of others.

Just my thoughts from a different side:

People think they are so YOONEEK, but in fact, people are more alike than they want to admit. Yes, the minutiae and combination of circumstances may vary from case to case, but it is still easy to identify common behaviour patterns and point them out. This forum is very valuable for that. It's important to hear things you don't want to hear, and it's important to be able to tell people things they may not want to hear. If a person wants to have their dysfunctional relationships validated and enabled, it's obvious to me that there is plenty of that to go around. We need more straight-from-the-hip talk in the world, not less of it.

tl;dr: nobody is special.

 

[BoringGuy]

Let's remove the "third," and think about it without the wife involved. "If you don't sleep with me, I will break up with you." That is what has been put on the table. ... My feelings and needs are more important than anyone else's." Yikes.

Um... no. That is not what the OP said. Let me refresh your memory:

Me and my husband have had a gf for 2 months. We are all starting to fall in love with each other, talking about moving in together and everything. till last night our world came crashing down. last night she told us that she doesn't think she can do this. This totally came out of nowhere... She told us she is having a hard time that she and he can't have intimate alone time, and me and he don't have alone time. She thinks I don/t trust her to have alone time with him. its not that i dont trust them. i let them go out on a date every week and im ok with that. as far as having sex without me. its not that I'm not ok with it. I'm just not comfortable yet. Me and him have been together for 12 yrs, married 10. I'm just working up to letting them be alone together. Is it wrong of me to feel that way? I'm feeling extremely guilty and sad. I don't want to lose her. I love her very much, and my husband does too. I told him that he can have sex with her without me. i dont know if I'm 100% ready, but for the sake of our relationship I'm going to be ok with it. She feels that it's not fair that I get to have sex with him without her. I get it. She's right. I'm hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to lose her.

Show me where it says that the girlfriend gave that ultimatum. It does not say that anywhere. The post is full of "I told them they can" and "I let them." Nowhere does it say that the girlfriend said "you better or else." It reads as though the girlfriend thought about it, made her decision, and told them what it was, because she was dealing with it like a mature adult who is responsible for her own "baggage" (lol) and knows that she can't control other people, but can control her own self.

So while you're talking about (not) judging people, how about reading what they write, and responding to that, instead of making up stuff about someone who isn't even here to give their side of the story? Yikes, indeed.

 

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Implications

My observations came from these sentences:

"She told us that she doesn't think she can do this."

"I don't want to lose her. I love her very much."

"I'm hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us. [I'm] scared and sad we are going to lose her."

It's clear that the relationship is in jeopardy if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband.

 

[Natja]

Not all dating partners are destined to be long-haul runners.

True, very true.

 

[BoringGuy]

My observations came from these sentences:

"She told us that she doesn't think she can do this."

"I don't want to lose her. I love her very much."

"I'm hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us. [I'm] scared and sad we are going to lose her."

It's clear that the relationship is in jeopardy if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband.

Yes. But the OP does not say that their girlfriend said, "You better, or else!" You're adding things to the story. She had already made her decision, and told them what it was. That is not an ultimatum. It is not manipulative. If you think it is, well, that helps explain why you don't like the way I communicate.

 

[Natja]

BG, thanks for pointing some things out. It feels very disingenuous to me when people ignore obvious patterns. It is allowable amongst people who have not have any experience, though. Mind you, it is most vexing amongst those who have had some, and yet instead of realising that the seat of the stool is broken, they just keep changing one of the legs.

If you get my very bad analogy.

 

[CherryBlossomGirl]

If this, then that

So if it is not an implication that the relationship is over if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband, how is it that it's an implication that she could do this if she did get one-on-one sexy times with the husband? Is it not one and the same? If the relationship is over if she doesn't get that, but isn't over if she does get it, how is it not an ultimatum?

Ultimatum: "A final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations."

 

[Natja]

So if it is not an implication that the relationship is over if she doesn't get one-on-one sexy times with the husband, how is it that it's an implication that she could do this if she did get one-on-one sexy times with the husband? Is it not one and the same? If the relationship is over if she doesn't get that, but isn't over if she does get it, how is it not an ultimatum?

Ultimatum: "A final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations."

Except at no point did the gf say 'or else.' BoringGuy is correct in that. The gf stated that she was ending it. When asked, she said why. That is stating a fact, not giving an ultimatum.

In fact, the OP also said:

I told him that he can have sex with her without me.

Note: Him, her husband, was told. There is no evidence yet that the gf has even been told this has been decided. There is no ultimatum.

 

[CherryBlossomGirl]

We'll see...

My opinion of whether it's an ultimatum or not has little to do with the OP's happiness. The truth of her challenge is that she is up against something she doesn't feel ready for, and that's where my concern lies.

 

[GalaGirl]

I do not perceive an ultimatum. Why? The gf is already gone. It's just "We are broken up. I am GONE." It isn't fun news to digest, but when I read this...

"She told us that she doesn't think she can do this."​

​

"I don't want to lose her. I love her very much."​

​

"I'm hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us. [I'm] scared and sad we are going to lose her."​

Here's what I get when I sort that out:

Gf's behavior:

• She told us that she doesn't think she can do this.
• She just broke if off before talking it over with us (and giving us a chance to try to meet her needs.) That last bit is my perceived implication. The OP could clarify what her perception is. But I perceive that she's disappointed twice. 1) That the gf broke up with both of them. 2) That the gf broke up like this.

Bottom line conclusion: the gf is still gone.

OP's emotional information:

• "I don't want to lose her. I love her very much."
• "I'm hurt."
• "I'm scared and sad we are going to lose her."

Conclusion:
The gf has left.

The OP could be in shock/denial stages of grief, since this just happened last night, and writing emotional things from that shocked place, in the present tense still, because it takes time to start writing about it in the past tense. It also takes acceptance.

The OP has to work through the stages of grief to arrive at acceptance. She cannot instantly accept a loss all the way down to the bottom. Nobody can. I perceive that as the OP's challenge right now-- mourning loss in appropriate ways. It's not about hubby having sex with the gf. There is no gf here anymore. What is here is sadness, grief, loss.

I perceive there are some glimmers of the "bargaining stage" there, with offering to the husband (who is still here, while the gf is gone) that he could have sex with her alone, and the OP would suck it up for the sake of the polyship to continue, because she does not want it to be over. But it is over. And I would caution against making offers like that just to have it "not be over," so as not to have to deal with yucky grief feelings, rather than making that offer from a healthier place of "I'm ready for this change now."

The OP needs comfort. So I tried to comfort her. It was nothing the OP did or did not do. It's okay for people to want different speeds of sexual unfolding. I, myself, prefer a slower speed. It is okay for OP to want a slower speed. It is okay for the gf to want whatever speed she wants. These things do not line up for it all to coexist in this triad harmoniously, which means they are not compatible. That's dating for ya. Not all dating partners are destined for the long-haul.

Hang in there, OP. It's hard to feel, but you will feel better in time. You will feel a lot of things in navigating the stages of grief, and maybe wibble up and down. People don't go through the stages in a straight line. But you will arrive in good time. Take all the time you need.

Do your self care. Encourage your husband to do his self care. He will mourn loss for a time also. Maybe monitoring yourself traveling through the stages could be somewhat reassuring. This is a dark time for you, but you have a rope to lead you out again.

One stage at a time. You will get there. Hold on.