Feeling very confused and sad

My boyfriend and I started off being polyamorous. And my girlfriend was also in an open relationship when we met her. And while we were both into my girlfriend when we met, and she wanted to date both of us, I was very much against it, because I had just come out of a bad couple-dating thing, and I didn't want to do that again. So my boyfriend and my girlfriend just dated each other for about a year.

This was good because, man, did I have a lot of emotional insecurity to work thorough! And personally, I think it was easier with me not dating her at the time, so I could get a grip on my fears of sharing this man I loved, while not also trying to emotionally support and be with her.

All the while, my girlfriend and I were becoming closer friends. Then, when she got into a one-year grad program across the country, she asked if we could try to plan on landing in the same city, as I was also about to apply for grad school, and if we could start thinking of all three of us as a family unit. This sounded scary, but deeply worthwhile to me. So we became a long-distance triad for a year, and then moved in together in a different city.

It was very hard and we really struggled. On top of moving, and moving in together, both of my partners have gone through major depression in the past three years, so it has not been a cake walk. We are in therapy. We work on our relationship/s every day. But we love what we have, and we fight for it. We have all grown in too many ways to count. It's been the most rewarding, growing, terrifying, fun, demanding, painful, lovely and loving experience of my life.

I know it's not a normal unicorn hunt. And I see a lot of the flaws in that. But I also deeply understand the drive for a relationship shaped like this. For a while, what kept us together was how much we loved being a triad when all our dyads were being deeply tested.

I know why people mistrust the way most couples look for a third. I have seen them go down in flames over and over again (and have been an active part of it in the past). But I do think there is a way to do it. And I think it's worth trying for. And I think anything we care about and don't know how to do is likely going to hurt and blow up. But I don't think that means we shouldn’t try, or try to talk other people out of trying. Maybe one day someone will have figured out a lot better how to make a couple-initiated triad work with people who had been mono... but it won't happen if we tell them it's impossible. We are the people who know a relationship can look however we want it to look, if we find the right people, and are willing to work our asses off for it. Everyone else in the world is going to tell these people they are crazy and stupid and are going to crash and burn. But I thought we built the community so there were some people who would help instead of assume the worst. At least that's what I want to build.

I'll give you all the tools I have, and all the hippie goodwill and hope I can muster, because I don't know what is possible, and I hope your relationships can look however the fuck you want them to look.
 
While I seem to recall someone on here saying that it's "impossible," most people are simply saying, "If you want this to work, you need to go about it differently."

It seems as though, recently, I must be going crazy, because people have been responding to things others have not said, as if these things were said. It may not be "impossible" to have a "successful" (whatever that means to you) triad, but it is impossible to have a productive discussion about a topic with a person or persons who respond to things you didn't say as if you said them.

I have a friend that sometimes does this. I'll say something, and he'll answer with sentences that are constructed in such a way that I can tell he made assumptions and extrapolated incorrectly from them. When I ask him how the hell is that an answer to what I said, he goes, "Ar, um, well... you said ABC and XYZ, so I assumed the rest of the alphabet was included."

And that, my dear poly people, is the problem with most people, poly or not, and it is also what is at the root of most of the relationship problems on here. There cannot be useful or beneficial exchange of ideas if people insist that others said shit they never said.

As for myself, I've decided that after one or two attempts to point things out, and an individual continues to be obtuse, then that individual gets filed under "nothing to say worth hearing" and I don't waste anymore of my time on them.

I know it's hard to believe, but there are others like me, and we know who we are.
 
Hi, Rosephase. Thanks for sharing your story. I really don't think you are in any way in the category of triad-seeking, 'We want a closed poly-fi triad' types that cause me no end of vexation. Even you must know though, that five years are jolly good innings for a triad. Good luck to you all!!!! :)
 
Natja said:
'We want a closed poly-fi triad' types that cause me no end of vexation.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you've had some traumatic experiences that have coloured your outlook considerably!

I've never met the 'couple wanting a plaything' situation IRL, but then I'm not a unicorn or a unicorn hunter. I can imagine that if one got involved in a situation that by all accounts lends itself to some rather dysfunctional behaviour, that it could be most unpleasant. You have my sympathies if this is what has happened to you.

However, there are definitely triads that work well for all involved. What I was questioning was your apparent belief that the configuration is inherently flawed. My experience (FMF) is that it can work just fine, but that it requires a bit more maintenance than a dyad, since there are four, rather than two relationships involved.

For my part, I was simply wanting to let the OP know that it is possible to make a triad work. I agree though that her situation, as she describes it, does appear to be fraught with difficulties and certainly doesn't sound like an easy one to sort out.
 
northhome said:
Sounds like you've had some traumatic experiences that have coloured your outlook considerably!
Click to expand...

Sounds like you make assumptions about people based on a lot less information and experience than I do!!

I have no personal traumatic experience of unicorn hunters. Just because they vex me does not mean I have been traumatised.
You have my sympathies if this is what has happened to you.
Click to expand...

It didn't.
 
BoringGuy said:
I have a friend that sometimes does this. I'll say something, and he'll answer with sentences that are constructed in such a way that i can tell he made assumptions and extrapolated incorrectly from them.
Click to expand...

My hubby is the worst for that. He still carries a lot of baggage from his childhood, and I've changed a whole lot since we first met. I had unreasonable "only-child syndrome" expectations of how life should work, and I made a lot of unrealistic demands. So now, whenever I open my mouth, he hears either his mother or former-me. It takes a lot of patience and careful explaining to get him on the same page.

Fortunately, he's always willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. He'll react strongly and negatively. I'll say, "Why are you reacting this way? I just meant ___." And he'll explain what he "understood." Then I'll explain that I can see how his response is reasonable with that understanding, but seriously that's totally not what I meant.

But in all fairness, this trend is not unreasonable. People always carry their own histories and expectations into any interaction. It could be that everyone else who said ABC, XYZ also def said UVW. Or that if he were to say ABC and XYZ, he would really mean ABCDEF...UVWXYZ. Not saying that's a helpful, constructive way to converse and interact, just saying it's not hard to understand why that happens.
 
Oh believe me, I realize why it happens, and that it's not uncommon. That doesn't mean I have to accept it or enable it. I try to be aware of it so I don't make those same errors myself.

This is in reply to the post directly above, not to the OP topic/triads.
 
"Piping up" here! I am in a FMF triad that's over 2 years old. I think JaneQSmith is absolutely right about most of 'us.'

I'm not in a poly community in my area. In fact, I don't know any other poly people in real life. I only know of this forum, as I looked for something when we first got together. I don't post much on here, precisely because there is a lot of talk against triads here, particularly FMF poly-fi ones.

I think one issue is that people who self-identify as poly don't know that there are many of us that stumble upon poly. Further, there are those of us that are 'poly-fi' because we just don't see the need for more partners. I know I would not be in a poly relationship if I hadn't met my girlfriend, fallen in love with her and decided to spend my life with her. I would still just be in a mono relationship with my husband, whom I also love and want to spend my life with.

So, just because we aren't constantly talking on forums or in poly meet-up groups doesn't mean we don't exist. I usually only speak in threads where someone is trying to sort out a triad issue, since I realize this is the only poly thing I have experience with.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top