Just not into my husband's girlfriend

C

counterclockwise

New member
I think the two of them would like me to be into her, but I'm just not.

I entered this arrangement honestly, thinking, given that they had a long-term friendship with romantic overtones, there was a solid chance we would have a great three-person relationship. After getting over the initial insecurities (this is our first non-monogamous attempt), and a bit of grieving of expectations, I've eased into this. It makes me happy that John loves someone else, and I don't doubt his devotion to me and our family (14 years together, 9 married, two kids, great careers, stable and healthy home life).

After spending many nights laughing and generally enjoying each other's company, I came to the conclusion that I am just not attracted to Bex. She is physically beautiful and very sweet, but I don't find her interesting at all (which is a must for me, romantically, sexually).

I think my conclusion bums John out. He's disappointed. I think he had some sort of kumbaya fantasies about how this would work out. But I can't force feelings.

Bex is kind of part of our family now. The kids have no idea that she is anything other than an aunt of sorts. There is no drawing of strict lines. But I quite simply don't want to have sex with the two of them. They are welcome to each other alone. I still struggle with this, but not much. Obviously, John and I have no intention of changing our arrangement. I like hearing about what they do, but I don't want a three-way relationship where none exists.

What can I do to make them comfortable? I'd ask "Is this normal?" but that's a dumb question. I guess what I want to know is if any of you with more experience can tell me what to keep my eyes open for, how to be careful of their feelings, while respecting my own wants.
 
Greetings, counterclockwise.

I don't know what feelings you are worried about. It sounds to me like you have given them as much latitude to pursue their relationship as they need. Is it that you don't want to have a sexual relationship with Bex that bums John out?

It sounds like your family is built on a solid foundation and that each of you communicate well with each other.

If a sexual relationship (I don't assume that either of you desire a purely sexual relationship with another that does not involve deeper feelings and connection) with you and another (a triad) is what you and you husband desire, then why do you not pursue a person that meets your needs, as well as his?
 
I guess I mean that I'm going to have to let them know I'm not game for sex with the two of them. I've already told John. He was disappointed and kind of sad, but glad I was honest so we all know where we stand.

You bring up another good point: I am not interested in her emotionally either (nothing beyond being respectful and polite). Their relationship has been professional for many years, and emotional for most of them, romantic once a couple of years ago when he and I were on very rough terrain, and now we've decided as three adults to allow them to indulge that emotional and physical connection openly.

I was invited into their relationship. I just don't feel connected to her, though I did give it a really good shot. I guess part of me is disappointed, too, that our first poly relationship attempt resulted in me not feeling connected - but I certainly don't blame the two of them. It's just not there.

John is worried that it will be awkward now. Maybe I could just say that we can get together during weekend days for fun with our kids (they adore her), but sexual sessions will need to be confined to her house.
 
It sounds to me like this first attempt at a poly relationship was fostered from an episode of your husband cheating on you a while back. That's not exactly the best approach to starting on this path, so no wonder you aren't exactly feeling a deep connection with Bex.

What do YOU want?

Poly relationships are not strictly a guy and two women. Ask yourself if he would be OK if the roles were reversed. Not to say that this arrangement won't work out- if you are both genuinely committed expanding your relationship and you desire/need a connection in order to proceed, then get out and find the person that is right for you.

Bex and John have their relationship, you and John have yours, you and Bex have a friend relationship.

The point is that you have to decide what you want and need. Once you are comfortable with that, and you and John have discussed this, then go and get it.

It really doesn't seem to me like you need to be worried at all about John's or Bex's feelings. It sounds like they are quite comfortable as is.
 
I suppose that is a shaky start. But it seems to be working. I'm new! I suppose I joined this forum so I can gauge where I am, where we are, what's solid and what's not.

At this point, I feel fine. I feel stable. I have no other person in my life right now but the door is open. I want to have a full and rich life. I want to have the freedom for both of us to have intimate relationships with other people, but only as they naturally come along. I'm not going people-shopping.
 
To clarify: he didn't cheat on me. We filed for divorce in 2009. We got back together three months later and have been great ever since. (That was a rough year. I'd just finished law school, bar exam, and my father died; I think I was a mess all around, and my vice is anger.) They dated while we were apart. I saw people during that time as well (none of whom I'm interested in now).
 
Ah, I understand. Good for you that you were able to work things out. It sounds like you are a very stable individual and it sounds like you and John have communicated your feelings to each other

I should clarify that when I say get it, I don't mean to insinuate that you should go people shopping, more that you should take care of you.
I'm happy for you that you are each mature enough to proceed with your decisions to be open to new ideas. That's not particularly easy, given society's norms.

The situation that you have now is perfectly acceptable as long as it is acceptable with you. If it's not then it simply must change.

If there is a trust issue between you and Bex that is probably something that should be brought to the table sooner rather than later. She sounds like a friend of yours, as well.
 
You don't need a"good reason" to not be sexually attracted to someone. Just because you're bisexual doesn't mean you want to have sex with anyone who is available. Tell your husband "no" means "no" and for him to quit pressuring you. I'm assuming he's pressuring you because you said you told him you're not interested in fucking her, yet here you are on this forum asking strangers if it's ok for you to not want that. Sheesh. His dick needs to stfu because that's what's doing the thinking and talking for him.
 
You have a reason. You are not attracted to her. John needs to suck it up and let go of this kumbaya, rainbow-coloured pixie-dust fantasy. If I were you, I would sit Bex down and tell her that while you respect her as a person and whatever, you want to end the intimate side of things and just be friends and cordial. She can transition from your girlfriend/romantic interest to your metamour and call it a day. Her feelings may be hurt, but she will bounce back. You just wish not to be involved in the sexual aspect, and that is your right. It is your body. John does not have the right to get mad about what you want to do with your body.

You said they dated while you and John were apart. Did they ever stop dating, or did it just continue while you and John worked out your issues? The foundation and introduction to poly make all the difference in the world.

Just know that your feelings are valid, and you have the right to say no.
 
I almost spat my gin and tonic on the computer screen too!

I am in a poly relationship that has always been a poly relationship. My soon-to-be-wife was with her BF already when we had our first date, and he knew of our date.

Her BF and I are on good terms, even though there is nothing romantic/sexual between us, and honestly I believe he has never really even thought there would be. But I admit that he is rare kind of straight guy. He actually closes the bedroom door if it we have forgotten to do so if we are having sex. Not his thing, as he puts it.
 
I may as well level. They stopped dating. Bex was heartbroken, but their friendship repaired over time. So for the last 3-4 years they have interacted professionally and maintained some sort of friendship. I resented her for a long time because they denied that they cared for each other beyond professional interactions and "friendship," and then they immediately jumped in when we filed for divorce. But to credit her fairly, the two of them have been hands off the three or so years since. Only recently, when he and I decided to open up our marriage, did the possibility of igniting something again come up. She is successful, kind, has a full life, and seemed a good fit. It just didn't pan out as expected.

I talked to John after reading some of your responses. He says he respects my position. So I will have a convo with her, as suggested above.

I appreciate you guys!
 
I concur with the other posters but want to say, besides John's threesome fantasy, Bex might have her feelings/pride hurt, especially if she is attracted to you. So you need to be sensitive to that.

It's good she still gets to see and fuck him. When my ex-h and I first opened our marriage, he had the threeway-kumbaya-two-wives fantasy. But we had the opposite issue-- I was attracted to our "unicorn," but she wasn't attracted to me. And I was the bisexual one who wanted more. I got nothing (except a husband with heavy duty NRE) and she got a bf. I got no gf!

(Things are better for me now. No worries. :p)
 
Yeah it does seem a little-- 'Boohoo! My threesome fantasy won't come true'-- pity fest.

Tough, I want an orgy with the whole cast of Law and Order SVU. I don't think I am in luck, though. We don't always get what we want in life.

Counter, I think you are really cool and balanced. You are working through your feelings and being rational. Kudos! Don't doubt yourself. Wait for your connection. There is no obligation for all love to be shared all the time. To be honest, it is rather refreshing to read this.

Natja
 
Thanks, Natja! What a huge compliment.

I'm sure we will figure this out.

I appreciate the guidance here. (Doesn't it always feel weird to talk about a forum or any "place" online as a geographical location? Speaks to a lack of sufficient vocabulary. I always feel like a jerk when I say something like "here." I mean, really.)
 
counterclockwise said:
BoringGuy, you just made me spit my drink out. Haha! Awesome and at least partly true. I knew I joined this forum for a reason.
Click to expand...
You're welcome; at least i am relieved that your sense of humor appears to exist. I made some assumptions that were based on things you did not say, which could have been incorrect. Since the tone of your reply does not seem offended, i infer that my assumptions turned out to be not entirely incorrect.

tl;dr: sometimes i make new friends, sometimes i make new enemies.
 
I would think it more unusual if you all were into each other, actually. That rarely happens, and I am definitely glad to hear you are not one of those wives who goes along with it and has sex with someone they don't really want to have sex with, just to please some unrealistic fantasy of their husband's. Some husbands only want their wives involved to assuage the guilt they have over being sexual with someone outside of their marriage - they think that if wifey is there, then at least she is sanctioning it and it must mean that he's not cheating. Nonsensical, really.

Tell John to stop pouting and get over it. For goodness sakes, he's in a happy marriage with a wife who's cool about him having a girlfriend, and he's got a girlfriend with whom he's compatible and has hit it off, and who meshes with your family. He should be counting his blessings, not being bummed out about anything!! Does he realize how lucky he is? Wives are not required to, nor should be expected to, have sex with girlfriends of their husbands. If you don't dig her that way, you don't dig her. No big deal. Time for him to have a reality check, methinks.

Both of you will probably be happier if you each seek out your own independent relationships. And if any threesomes happen someday, down the road, it should be because they just evolve that way and it all falls into place, not because it "should" be that way or it is expected to happen. FMF threesomes are not necessary to practice polyamory.
 
Last edited:
John isn't that one-dimensional. Sure, sex is part of it; I'd be an idiot if I didn't acknowledge that. I think he also was looking forward to merging these two parts of his life. I guess we didn't merge to the degree he'd have liked. He even said once that he thought she would fall in love with me, which I thought was ambitious.

We're clear now. I think I'll have a vodka tonic to celebrate.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top