He flips out when we try to be alone together

K

KerrBear

New member
My husband has been unhappy and has had some bursts of anger towards my bf. I only get to see my boyfriend on weekends and usually only for a 24-hour period. I have only gotten to be completely alone with him twice; otherwise my husband is always present. I desperately want and need alone time with my boyfriend.

At first we were not allowed to talk on the phone with each other. I am now allowed to, but grudgingly. My bf and I are both gamers and we talk through the ps3 with Bluetooth and a cam. This way, I get to hear him and see him and I love it. But my husband got totally pissed off by this and stormed out of the house. He called my bf while I was cam-chatting with him, so I saw and heard the whole ordeal from my bf's perspective. He said nothing to my husband but, "Hey, buddy," but put the phone up to the mic so I could hear, and my husband sure gave him an ear-full.

I don't know how to make this better. My husband has expressed that he is not wanting me to leave my bf. He even encouraged us to stay together when I was pissed off and decided it would be better if I just abandoned the whole thing. My husband realized that I would be terribly unhappy, and as he works with my bf, it would really not solve anything at all.

My husband has since apologized to me and my bf for flipping out on my bf (this has happened a few times at this point). But I'm not allowed to have any alone time with my bf. Last night, I spent all evening with my family and my husband. My husband went to sleep, and I stayed up late, like I always do. I woke up my bf so I could cam-chat with him, because I missed him terribly. While cam-chatting with him for the second time ever, my husband woke up and had to sit there watching us like he was chaperoning. Ugh!

I wish I could find him a gf so he wouldn't be acting like this. . .

How do I get him to stop and realize that I do still love him?
That he gets me all week long and I only want to see and talk to my bf?
That we do need some alone time together?
 
He sounds completely incapable of trusting you. He's either mono or overly controlling.

How about moving your relationship forward by attempting to ignore his presence? Maybe he will grow bored or uncomfortable once he realizes that your relationship with your boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with him.
 
You need to seek marriage counseling.

I have a feeling hubby is not ok with you and your boyfriend. He is just playing along. Something truly ugly could be on the horizon.

If you want to keep your husband, are you going to be able to take a step back from your boyfriend and work on your marriage?
 
Being the man on the other side (the husband) he is playing along because he loves you, but he is resentful that his loved forced him into the position. He is in a lot of pain.
 
I agree with SSmith.

I'm also a mono husband to a poly wife.

This is not "I'm ok with polyamory" behavior. It is extremely upset behavior. Counseling would be a good idea. Communication is an absolute must right now!

If things are too intense for face to face, maybe try writing letters. My wife and I had to do that at times to give ourselves time to cool down and not just lash out back and forth.
 
Here is some background information on what is going on.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44205

I initially made the rule of no phone calls, because he had been talking to a girl he had just had a casual encounter with and I liked reading their text messages. They were hot to read, and it was a game for us. I found out he was calling her. I wanted to know what they were talking about. At first he didn't really like this rule, because he liked talking to her. He thought it was a silly rule. It was never really enforced, because they stopped texting and talking soon after, not because of me, but mostly because my husband isn't a big texter and I don't think the two of them clicked much outside of sex.

Fast forward-- I wanted to talk on the phone with my bf well after we had been texting for weeks, and even after we had physically met for the first time and were together. My husband didn't like that I was actually physically talking to him, because it took the thrill of reading the text messages away.

Now I realize why he wanted to chat on the phone. But even then, my situation is different, because my boyfriend isn't just a sex partner. I actually have feelings for him, and we really wanted to hear each other to help get us by.

I'm also trying really hard to curb my desire to be with my bf every weekend. The video chatting will help my boyfriend and me float by to a time when we can have a weekend together without my husband getting upset by it because there is not enough time for him. . .

When the three of us play together, we are happy. I don't really think my husband is mono, seeing as he has a desire for other women. That is why we are/were swingers. He actually really loves watching me be with another man and has never had an issue before. This is just different because I love my bf, and he's also having issues with the guy being his co-worker. I don't really understand completely why this is such a big deal to him, but he's explained it that it's because he has to look at the guy all day long and think about it. . . "That I'm married to him more than you. That I only get six hours of freedom from him when I go to sleep"-- hubby's quote.

I don't really even consider myself a swinger anymore. I did not find what I was looking for in it. I found my boyfriend out of my actions as a swinger, but now I have no desire at all of being with anyone else other than him and my husband.

As for counseling, I'm not sure if it is necessary right now. My husband and I still communicate. I am sharing all this with him right now. I have nothing to hide from him. I don't hide things from him at all. We really do talk a lot and we don't really fight much either. This is why he is screaming at my bf and not me. . .

Right now, I think my husband needs to learn how to change his thinking, because he's suffering from his overthinking. It's not really anything my bf and I have done; it's his mind that is messing with him, and I think he knows that, as he has admitted it, for the most part. But he still wants to blame me, or more so blame my bf. He doesn't really trust him very much, but he says he does trust me.

Anyway, I'm not sure what will come about. My husband is not a violent guy. He vents, and then he moves on from it, mostly.

At work, the two of them are friendly, but my bf does get on his nerves sometimes, mostly because he's a rather eccentric character, and my husband is more down to earth. So they have a personality clash from time to time. My h thinks my bf is a "goofball," and he certainly can be at times.

Sigh... I don't want to hurt my husband, but I don't know how to turn off the feelings I have for my bf. Frankly, I don't really want to. I am really happy right now and my heart feels so full. That doesn't mean I'm not caring of my husband's feelings either. That's why I'm here trying to figure out how to make him feel better, while keeping what I need as well.
 
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Is he having trouble with the move from swinging to relationship? Maybe the change scares him. Maybe he thought casual sex was/is okay, but developing feelings wasn't what he thought it would be, and he is now wishing it could be back to swinging again.

Can you put your bf on hold, or leave things as they are, or even step back a bit, until your hubby can work through his issue? I know it's not what you want to do, but if it's what you need to do, are you willing to do it?
 
"He still wants to blame me, or more so blame my bf."

Blame you for what? What is it that's making him so upset, exactly? Can he articulate it?
 
Icewraithonyx said:
This is not "I'm ok with polyamory" behavior. This is extremely upset behavior.

Counseling would be a good idea. Communication is an absolute must right now! If things are too intense for face to face, maybe writing letters. My wife and I had to do that at times to give ourselves time to cool down and not just lash out back and forth.
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Nothing has ever been too intense for us to talk face to face. We rarely ever fight, and when we do, it's usually never screaming and stomping around. We mostly just sit down and talk about things. The problem is, my husband sometimes beats around the bush about what is okay and what is not. He says it's okay to do one thing, and then acts like he was never okay with it to begin with. It's very confusing. . .

All three of us have sat down and talked about things, but my husband continues to be upset.

Also, my husband is not mono. (He reads my posts and agrees that he is not mono and doesn't want that for our marriage.) We are swingers. We became swingers when I caught him in bed with another woman a year after we were married. Even before we were married, he had expressed wanting a more open marriage. Now that I've embraced it, he's feeling the backlash of it. It's probably a pretty sucky feeling. Probably pretty similar to what I was feeling when I caught him and had to change my way of thinking so that I could keep my marriage and my mind. I had to learn to be in an open marriage. Now the tables have turned a bit and things have changed. Now he (and granted, all three of us) have to learn how to be in a poly relationship. My husband is just much more vocal about his changing than I was. . .
 
nancyfore said:
Can you put your bf on hold, or leave things as they are, or even step back a bit until your hubby can work through his issue? I know it's not what you want to do, but if it's what you need to do, are you willing to do it?
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What does this mean? I know I can't just stop loving my bf. I read this to my husband. He wants us to "pull back on the reins a bit." I don't know how to do this, or what it even means. He is okay with my bf and me going out sometimes, but is not specific about when.

My husband is more okay with bf coming over here, so my husband is here to watch, which is okay. . . We have fun with this. But my bf and I would really like our alone time too. Husband says we have our entire lives to do that. But eventually my bf is going to want to find a wife, and I'm not going to be as important to him. I want to enjoy our love while it's young and fresh. But I don't want to hurt my husband either.

nancyfore said:
Is he having trouble with the move from swinging to relationship? Maybe the change scares him. Maybe he thought casual sex was/is okay, but developing feelings wasn't what he thought it would be, and now he's wishing you two could go back to swinging again.
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He's mostly just taken aback by how quickly I developed emotions for bf. I'm the first woman my husband has ever loved, but I have been in love a few times before. I understand that love happens very quickly for me. I don't necessarily fall in love easily. It's just that when it does happen, it's fast and hard.

My husband also fell in love with me quickly, but he's not really understanding how this would work for me and someone else.
 
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AnnabelMore said:
"He still wants to blame me, or more so, blame my bf."

Blame you for what? What is it that's making him so upset, exactly? Can he articulate it?
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Okay, so, my husband approached my boyfriend at work, and told him that he would like to have a weekend with just me and the kids. Apparently my boyfriend agreed to this. He also brought up to me that he wanted a weekend just to ourselves.

Now, I took this as I needed to make sure I made extra time for my husband. We do get each other all evening as a family. I have only seen my boyfriend once a week since we've started the relationship.

That weekend, my bf and I did go out. My bf and I both asked my husband if it was okay if we did. He did not say no, but was really ticked off that we went. We found that out after we had gone and come back though. That is when my husband flipped out and called my bf "two-faced."

It's not like I'm not trying to express my love for my husband, either. Tonight we got rid of the kids and went and had dinner. He told my bf to stop texting me for the evening because we were out together.

This weekend, I'm going fishing with my husband. I won't see my bf till next week, and it sucks, 'cause I want to, but I have to wait.

He's also taking it that I'm thinking he's terrible when I want to go off and be with my bf. I have tried over and over again to reassure him this is not why I'm with my bf. I just really want to see my bf and has nothing at all to do with him, or me being mad at him, or feeling he can't provide for me. I don't hate him. I'm not mad at him. I think he's an amazing husband that provides for his family. I'm here trying to figure stuff out because I still love him, and want him to be happier about the situation.
 
KerrBear said:
He's mostly just taken aback by how quickly I developed emotions for him. I'm the first woman my husband has ever loved, but I have been in love a few times before. I understand that love happens very quickly for me. But I don't necessarily fall in love easily. It's just that when I do, it's fast and hard.

My husband also fell in love with me quickly, but he's not really understanding how this would work for me and someone else.
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I think that different people experience "falling in love" quite differently, and it is hard to imagine it happening a different way.

I have "fallen in love" twice in my life (I am 39), once with my husband and once with my boyfriend. But I resist it the whole time. :rolleyes:

My husband and my boyfriend have both had other loves before me, and have "broken up" with people despite still loving them. A concept that I find fascinating - I understand that people do "break up" and that they may still love or NOT love their prior partners but...it has never happened to me, so it is hard to internalize. (Both the idea of NOT being in a relationship with someone that you still love AND the idea of no longer being in love with someone that you once did love.)

No point here... just some random reflections.

JaneQ
 
Hmm, ok, actually I'd be pretty pissed off in your husband's position too. He stated his need very clearly -- a weekend to yourselves. That's pretty unambiguous, and also not at all unreasonable. Just one weekend. You agreed to it. He actually took the step of checking in with both of you about it, even though really it should have been fine just to confirm with you (you could then communicate to bf).

In a way, whether he meant it consciously or unconsciously, this could be seen as a test... he may well have been thinking "I'm feeling less special now that my wife has a boyfriend. A weekend to ourselves would make me feel special and solve this problem. I'll ask for that. If they give it to me, it means that I'm still special to my wife, that my needs matter and will be respected, and that if I'm promised something, they will keep their word."

Then, when you and your bf asked for time that weekend, you flunked the test, and all his insecurities just became worse than before. He said yes because he was either too angry or too sad (or both) to, argue, but it seems clear that this hurt his feelings, possibly badly. And I can totally understand why.

I would sit down with him, apologize for the weekend incident, promise him a different weekend to make up for it (ideally as soon as possible), and ask him if there's anything else he needs to feel safe.

However, while I'm clearly on his side on this particular issue, many things about his behavior aren't ok and need to be addressed. Calling your boyfriend to yell at him -- really really not ok. Saying he is fine with poly, but then monitoring your interactions with your bf and refusing to accept any alone time is not ok. Ask him how he'd feel if he was trying to develop a relationship with a woman and you treated her/them this way. Explain to him that these behaviors HAVE to stop if he really wants this open marriage to work.

Hopefully, these two things will work hand in hand -- you taking the time and care to find out his needs and meet them, and him learning to be less of a jerk. Whereas the idea that finding him a gf will solve the problems is, I think, false -- it'll likely just being up a whole set of new ones, while leaving the old ones unresolved. So, here's hoping you can resolve them now!
 
AnnabelMore said:
Hmm, ok, actually I'd be pretty pissed off in your husband's position too. He stated his need very clearly -- a weekend to yourselves. That's pretty unambiguous, and also not at all unreasonable. Just one weekend. You agreed to it. He actually took the step of checking in with both of you about it, even though really it should have been fine just to confirm with you (you could then communicate to bf).

In a way, whether he meant it consciously or unconsciously, this could be seen as a test... he may well have been thinking "I'm feeling less special now that my wife has a boyfriend. A weekend to ourselves would make me feel special and solve this problem. I'll ask for that. If they give it to me, it means that I'm still special to my wife, that my needs matter and will be respected, and that if I'm promised something, they will keep their word."

Then, when you and your bf asked for time that weekend, you flunked the test, and all his insecurities just became worse than before. He said yes because he was either too angry or too sad (or both) to, argue, but it seems clear that this hurt his feelings, possibly badly. And I can totally understand why.

I would sit down with him, apologize for the weekend incident, promise him a different weekend to make up for it (ideally as soon as possible), and ask him if there's anything else he needs to feel safe.

However, while I'm clearly on his side on this particular issue, many things about his behavior aren't ok and need to be addressed. Calling your boyfriend to yell at him -- really really not ok. Saying he is fine with poly, but then monitoring your interactions with your bf and refusing to accept any alone time is not ok. Ask him how he'd feel if he was trying to develop a relationship with a woman and you treated her/them this way. Explain to him that these behaviors HAVE to stop if he really wants this open marriage to work.

Hopefully, these two things will work hand in hand -- you taking the time and care to find out his needs and meet them, and him learning to be less of a jerk. Whereas the idea that finding him a gf will solve the problems is, I think, false -- it'll likely just being up a whole set of new ones, while leaving the old ones unresolved. So, here's hoping you can resolve them now!
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Thank you! This was really good advice. We are going to have a weekend to ourselves this weekend because we are going trout fishing. I think the only reason why we didn't obey him right then on that weekend is because I was looking more for a positive "no" from him and because I did really want to see my boyfriend and was being selfish.

I admit that, but I haven't fallen in love in a really long time. And I'd only had one encounter with my boyfriend, at that point, where I was completely alone with him. I needed alone time with my boyfriend just to make sure that what I was feeling was real, 'cause I was surprised by my love for the boyfriend, but also have NRE. Like super NRE.

My husband has also been reading everything I have posted. He doesn't always like what he reads, but I'm just using it as a good opportunity to express myself more clearly than just talking about it, but we do that a lot as well. I'm just a natural writer. :)

He also thinks this is sound advice, and that you "hit the nail on the head."

I'm hoping that spending this weekend with him will allow him to get over his feelings enough to let me and my boyfriend have a nice weekend together ALONE and he won't get butt hurt about it. Cause him feeling upset about it zaps all the fun out of what I'm feeling with my boyfriend.
 
Well, it would seem there is a reason many couples have a "no co-workers" guideline/rule.


The language you use in talking about this really stands out to me. You mention "being allowed to" do certain things and "disobeying" your husband. You make it seem like he's your boss or father and you are trying to get away with what you can, like a kid. I think you need to adjust your perspective and come at this like two equals. He isn't your boss. He isn't your parent.

In reality, you two are partners and each of you make your own choices. All you can do is come to agreements and stick to them, but agreeing is something you both choose to do. You are both individuals. It sounds like hubby keeps making up new rules as he gets uncomfortable with things, and since you see him as in charge, you either go along with it or rebel against him. That is not a partnership! I get a sense there is a lot of emotional chaos in your dynamic. It seems rather turbulent to me, and that may have to do with not having clear guidelines nor enough respect for each other's autonomy.

I think you and hubby need to sit down, as two equals, and get really clear on boundaries and be willing to compromise. Use some of Tristan Taormino's lists as a guide: Free Downloads from Opening Up
 
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KerrBear said:
I think the only reason why we didn't obey him right then on that weekend is because I was looking more for a positive "no" from him and because I did really want to see my boyfriend and was being selfish.
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Is this a recognition of where you went wrong or an explanation of why what you did is understandable and acceptable?

If he'd given you a more positive NO, would you then say he's controlling you?
 
My husband Butch made a good point when I was all lost in NRE over my boyfriend Murf. He was having an issue with me "spending too much time" with Murf. I pointed out he got 70/30 or 60/40 of my time during the week depending on things like work schedules. Which was true BUT my husband was stuck sharing my time with the kids and household crap. He was not getting the quality time with me that Murf was. Plus I was pining for Murf when we were apart, wanting to talk with him, etc. It hurt my husband. He wanted my undivided attention without having to compete with anyone else.

Your husband needs his time, not token moments given just to shut him up. You need to shut off the cell phone, stay off the gaming system, and spend some quality alone time with him.
 
WhatHappened said:
Is this a recognition of where you went wrong, or an explanation of why what you did is understandable and acceptable?

If he'd given you a more positive NO, would you then say he's controlling you?
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No. I've never said he controls me. I would have taken it that "no" meant he wanted that weekend to himself. The way I took him asking for a weekend was that he needed a weekend soon, not that particular weekend, because he did not specify. If he would have specified when bf and I asked if we could go out that weekend, we wouldn't have gone out, and would have rescheduled for a following weekend. That didn't happen. Husband never told me no. He never called the whole time I was gone. He didn't get angry until he found out that my bf bought me dinner. Then he got pissed about that.

Actually, I've never thought about him being controlling at all until others here suggested it.
 
Dagferi said:
My husband Butch made a good point when I was all lost in NRE over my boyfriend Murf. He was having an issue with me "spending too much time" with Murf. I pointed out he got 70/30 or 60/40 of my time during the week, depending on work schedules. BUT my husband was stuck sharing my time with the kids and household crap. He was not getting the quality time with me that Murf was. Plus I was pining for Murf when we were apart, wanting to talk with him, etc. It hurt my husband. He wanted my undivided attention without having to compete with anyone else.

Your husband needs his time, not token moments given just to shut him up. You need to shut off the cell phone, stay off the gaming system, and spend some quality alone time with him.
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He does get quality time. My bf and I have only had two encounters where we had quality alone time since I've met him. Every other time, my husband has been present to watch and engage. It really pisses my bf off, because he feels like when he comes over, and my husband is there, it's all about sex, and that's not what he wants. (Nor is it what I want.)

My husband calls my bf a mutt, and orders him around like he's beneath him. This gets kind of old for bf, because at work, my husband is his boss.

My husband and I stay up late and watch movies a lot. We just went out for dinner and spent the evening together. I even told my bf to stop texting for the evening. This weekend, we are going trout fishing together, just my husband and me. I'm really trying hard to give him my undivided attention, but I want to be "rewarded" (because that's honestly what it feels like I'm pining for) by having some quality time with my bf too!
 
nycindie said:
Well, it would seem there is a reason many couples have a "no co-workers" guideline/rule.


The language you use in talking about this really stands out to me. You mention "being allowed to" do certain things and "disobeying" your husband. You make it seem like he's your boss or father and you are trying to get away with what you can, like a kid. I think you need to adjust your perspective and come at this like two equals. He isn't your boss. He isn't your parent.

In reality, you two are partners and each of you make your own choices. All you can do is come to agreements and stick to them, but agreeing is something you both choose to do. You are both individuals. It sounds like hubby keeps making up new rules as he gets uncomfortable with things, and since you see him as in charge, you either go along with it or rebel against him. That is not a partnership! I get a sense there is a lot of emotional chaos in your dynamic. It seems rather turbulent to me, and that may have to do with not having clear guidelines nor enough respect for each other's autonomy.

I think you and hubby need to sit down, as two equals, and get really clear on boundaries and be willing to compromise. Use some of Tristan Taormino's lists as a guide: Free Downloads from Opening Up
Click to expand...

Hmm, interesting. I guess I've never thought of him as controlling before, but I guess he is being that way, as there are a number of people saying they see this.

My husband and I don't yell, scream and fight. We rarely fight. We talk a lot about things. But yes, his rules do keep changing. It's very hard to follow them. Sometimes it's unrealistic. I don't WANT to rebel against him, but I have needs and wants too.

This link will help with the "Yes you can," "Wait, that didn't make me feel good. Now you can't unless you do this first" type things that he's been doing with my boyfriend and me.
 
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