Should my wife and I just call it quits?

S

SSmith

New member
I am a mono trapped in a poly relationship. She wants it. I do not.

I love her dearly, but when isn't love enough? Every time she fools around or sleeps with one of her partners, I feel cheated on, literally sick to my stomach. It doesn't turn me on in any way whatsoever to think of her with her partners (all female). Attempting to compensate, I try to begin my own relationship, but I feel nothing, and more than likely will let it fail. She tries to urge me to be "open," but I feel like it's her way of not feeling guilty if we are both doing it, if that makes any sense.

The reason I have not called it quits yet is because I can't put my finger on what is bothering me.

I am not especially jealous. I see the person as competition more then anything else. I have no problems personally attracting women to me, so it's not a confidence thing. I have no issue with the lifestyle in itself, just the thought of her being with someone else makes me ill.

I want her to be happy, and it's almost like I love her so much I wanna leave her so my feelings don't mess with her poly inner self.

TL;DR: I am miserable. I don't want her to be miserable to make me happy. I'd do anything to save us and figure out how to work through this.

Thank you.
 
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Do you have children?

If you don't have kids, and you are that distraught, but cannot figure out why, some time away might help you figure it out. A couple of weeks or months with no contact might make it real clear that whether you don't want to live without her or better off not together.

Sometimes people think they want something or don't want something, and they are so sure about it until they don't have it or until they get it.

Of course, it would be a much much better if you could figure it out without doing that. But if you truly have honestly talked yourselves blue in the face and there are no more words to say, what else can you do?

Just make sure you really cannot communicate any more than you already have, because it is human nature to fool ourselves into believing we did everything we could, but I find if I am being real, for me anyway, if I am not careful I'll take the easy way out. Which would be to claim I can't take any more, but unless I am really at my wit's end, it is more like trying to pull strings to get my way.

What does your wife say when you talk to her about it?
 
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Have you asked her to take a break with her partners for a little while so you can work through your feelings?

Starting other relationships isn't going to help with the problems of the current one and it isn't really fair to the women you would be in a relationship with.
 
One of the tricks is figuring out how to learn deep inside that you aren't in competition with her lovers any more than you're in competition with her friends.

It isn't easy at all. I'm struggling with it this evening... again. But it's less than normal, so there's hope.
 
It is up to you.

If this is a hard limit, if polyamory just not your cup of tea, and never will be, no amount of time will ever change the fact that you like your romances to come in a mono shape.

If this is a soft limit, it could change in time, because the problem is not polyamory in general, but how she is doing it right now. You have objections to some of her poly practices.

Since sex is the trigger, is it that she is moving too fast into sexual relationships, before you can get to know/trust the person with your beloved? is it unsafe sex practices that are putting you at risk? Something else? Is the sex-sharing poking you, not in your physical health bucket, but in your mental health bucket -- arousing jealousy things like fears of abandonment or other kinds of jealousy, like how you fit into her life now?

If you know deep down it is a hard limit, let her go. As hard as it is, choosing an end point and short-term break-up suffering is better than no-end-in-sight continual suffering. :(

If it is a soft limit, and you really want this for yourself too, perhaps schedule an honest talk about how she approaches polyamory right now, and what could be improved so you can feel physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually safe, so you can work toward being comfortable and happy in polyamory.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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Drill down to the essence of what is underneath your discomfort. Keep asking yourself, "Why does this make me nauseous?" "Why do I hate it?" and "Why did I consent to this?"

Here are some ideas. You don't have to answer them here, but these are just food for thought, for further self-examination.
  • Do you think your repulsion to her other relationships has to do with some cultural and familial beliefs that were drilled into you at an early age about what relationships are supposed to look like?
  • And/or about what marriage is supposed to look like?
  • Do you feel like your masculinity or manhood is threatened if your wife is with someone else?
  • Do you, somewhere in your thoughts and beliefs, view her as "belonging to" you? In other words, is this about possessiveness and a sense that she is being "taken away" from you when she is with someone else?
  • Do you ever experience feelings of being inadequate when you think of her with other people?
  • Do you have underlying issues/prejudices with same-sex relationships?
  • Does she make time and effort to be fully with you, have romantic dates with you, and give you what you need from her while balancing her other relationships, or is she caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy) and ignoring you, to some degree?
  • Do you ask for what you need?
  • Do you view sex as more threatening than emotional involvement, or vice versa? If one is okay with you, but the other is not, keep asking yourself what your logic behind that is.
  • Did you and your wife set up boundaries to help each of you manage this, or did you both just throw yourselves into it willy-nilly, winging it (with you possibly feeling like you have to go along or be more permissive than you wish) without discussing clearly any areas that make you uncomfortable? If not, then start negotiating.
  • Did you acquiesce and go along with allowing a poly arrangement when you really didn't want to, and now you are dealing with the fallout, i.e., feeling victimized or coerced, or mad at yourself for not speaking up or betraying yourself?
  • Do you have enough other things in your life (hobbies, friends, activities, passions) that satisfy you, or do you make her the center of your world?
It always helps me to just keep making inquiries whenever I am struggling with something. \Not to just accept, "I am feeling this way or that way," but to ask myself what factors have contributed to that. Many feelings arise out of our thought processes and belief systems, and the more we become aware of what kinds of beliefs are running inside us like "default programming," and how our minds work, the better able we can just let those thoughts come up without paying credence to them, or letting them run our lives and create emotional storms.

Hope this helps you. Have you done any reading about poly? I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
 
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I am doing this by cell phone, so forgive my spelling. I'll try to answer all the questions.

We have two kids, six and two. We recently spent six months apart and we came back together wanting the relationship to work.

We communicate very well (at this time, the first time not so well). She understand my feelings. She was the one who directed me to this site.

The poly was not rushed. She has had two partners in the last three years.

She says she told me she was polyamorous going into the relationship. (I don't remember.) The first four years together, we were mono. Then she decided she wanted the poly lifestyle. So after a kid and wonderful mono relationship, I was forced to accept her as polyamorous.

I am unsure if I have a soft or hard limit. I will never be a part of a triad. That isn't for me. If I formed a relationship with someone else of my own, it would be so I would be more like her, not because I actually cared for the person I was in a relationship with, which would be unfair to everyone.

Sex is the trigger. I don't know whether it's unsafe or not. To save myself pain, I refrain from asking about it at all. She is a lesbian and has only had relations with women, so I don't know how unsafe that can be.
 
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  • Do you think your repulsion to her other relationships has to do with some cultural and familial beliefs that were drilled into you at an early age about what relationships are supposed to look like?
    No, I see nothing wrong with any of the sexual styles in the world. I am extremely open-minded.
  • And/or about what marriage is supposed to look like?
    It hurts me that she is enough to fill my world, but I am not enough to fill hers.
  • Do you feel like your masculinity or manhood is threatened if your wife is with someone else?
    No.
  • Do you, somewhere in your thoughts and beliefs, view her as "belonging to" you? In other words, is this about possessiveness and a sense that she is being "taken away" from you when she is with someone else?
    No. Maybe in the sense that I have to share my time (I work a lot and crazy hours) with another person that I want to be spending with her.
  • Do you ever experience feelings of being inadequate when you think of her with other people?
    No.
  • Do you have underlying issues/prejudices with same-sex relationships?
    No.
  • Does she make time and effort to be fully with you, have romantic dates with you, and give you what you need from her while balancing her other relationships, or is she caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy) and ignoring you to some degree?
    No, we are sexual and loving , more so when she is in another relationship though, which is disheartening.
  • Do you ask for what you need? don't understand this question.
  • Do you view sex as more threatening than emotional involvement, or vice versa? If one is okay with you but the other is not, keep asking yourself what your logic behind that is.
    I think both bother me equally, but the sex is the one that makes it real.
  • Did you and your wife set up boundaries to help each of you manage this, or did you both just throw yourselves into it willy-nilly, winging it (with you possibly feeling like you have to go along or be more permissive than you wish) without discussing clearly any areas that make you uncomfortable? If not, then start negotiating.
    We have boundaries, very reasonable ones, too.
  • Did you acquiesce and go along with allowing a poly arrangement when you really didn't want to, and now you are dealing with the fallout, i.e., feeling victimized or coerced, or mad at yourself for not speaking up or betraying yourself?
    Yes.
  • Do you have enough other things in your life (hobbies, friends, activities, passions) that satisfy you or do you make her the center of your world?
    I am a gamer, but she hates that I do it and tries to control it. I have lots of friends and keep myself easily entertained.
 
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I am unsure if I have a soft or hard limit. I will never be a part of a triad.
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You do not have to be in a triad, but you are in a polyship right now, a "V" of 3 people.

(you + [wife) + GF]

The wife is the shared hinge person in the V.

The question is if you want to stay in this polyship like it is.

If I formed a relationship with someone else of my own, it would be so I would be more like her, not because I actually cared for the person I was in a relationship with, which is unfair to everyone.
Click to expand...

Then you seem to know that you are "monoamorous," having the want, desire or capacity to love only one person at a time.

It seems like you may be facing this question:

  • Am I monoamorous for myself, but willing to be in a poly V relationship configuration as an arm, with wife as the hinge?
  • Am I monoamorous for myself, and willing to be only in a monogamous relationship configuration?

Sex is the trigger, but I don't know whether it's unsafe or not. To save myself pain, I refrain from asking about it at all. She is a lesbian and has only had relations with women, so I don't know how unsafe that can be.
Click to expand...

So you are experiencing pain. This does not feel safe to you, either mentally safe, because this causes painful thoughts, or emotionally safe, because it causes painful feelings.

You could examine more deeply, like NYCindie suggests, to determine if you have a soft or a hard limit on this. Then, if it turns out to be a hard limit, it just is. Monogamy is your preference for the relationship model you can feel best in.

Neither shape is right or wrong in general. But if you guys do not share a desired shape, you're not compatible. :(

Have you talked it out, considered if breaking up might be the healthiest choice for all parties? Don't avoid having the conversation just because it is scary or sad.

You could accept that this is just a stinky time right now for both of you.

You could decide to speak about the future. What is the path to a less stinky future for both of you, so you both can arrive there? What is each of you willing and not willing to do?

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the replies, everyone. Sadly, this thread hasn't helped me at all. It just repeat things I already know and questions I've already asked myself. Thanks for your help, though. I will continue browsing other threads and see if other's experiences will help me more.

The only question that really matters is if it's a soft line or a hard one. All others are irrelevant, really.

... So to say it was zero help is false. It did make that question apparent.
 
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Only you have the answer within to determine for yourself if this is a hard or a soft limit. Glad you have reached more clarity on that bit at least. Hang in there.

GG
 
I think one more question to be asked of your SO is:

She is clearly poly. Is living poly a hard condition or a want?

Some poly folk choose to live mono and do so happily. Best of hopes for you in this tough situation.
 
SSmith said:
I am a mono trapped in a poly relationship. She wants it. I do not.
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Maybe I missed something in the subtlety of your question, but it seems like you've already answered it here.

There is a difference between being introduced to a new worldview and being caught off guard, and being introduced to a worldview which you are fundamentally against. You sound like you are wholeheartedly against her having control over who she is in love with or has sex with.

There are only a few options here:
She pretends to be monogamous for your sake and is miserable.
You pretend to be ok with her polyamory and you are miserable.
One of you has a true worldview shift regarding personal accountability.
Realize your way of relating is incompatible.

Pick one and deal with the consequences.
 
Marcus said:
There are only a few options here:
She pretends to be monogamous for your sake and is miserable.
You pretend to be ok with her polyamory and you are miserable.
One of you has a true worldview shift regarding personal accountability.
Realize your way of relating is incompatible.

Pick one and deal with the consequences.
Click to expand...

Agree with this. You sound angry and upset, SSmith. Something has to changed for there to be happiness.
 
I am neither angry nor upset. I am heartbroken, because for her to be happy, she has to be poly, and for me to be happy, she has to be mono. I am well aware of this already. I made this thread to give me more options and more points of views so I could go a route that didn't end in divorce, not to be singled out as narrow-minded and angry. Luckily, I have gotten some great PMs. I have been very thankful for their insight.

Either way, my mind has already been made up, and this thread is now moot. Thank you again for your replies, though.
 
I don't think people meant to cast you as angry, as in resentful and oppositional, but angry as in frustrated that there does not seem to be any other way.

Although I have not commented before, I read your thread with interest and was hoping that people could offer up better advice than I could, since I am not married.

However, I would love to know what you have decided and how you get on. I hope you continue to share your experiences and not leave because you feel that people are judging you.

Natja
 
She informed me her being poly is a hard line, which I already knew. First and foremost, her happiness is the most important thing to me, so if being in a poly relationship with two other people is what is going to make her the happiest, it's time for me to bow out. So it looks like the end of the road for us.

Thanks again to those who posted and PMed me.
 
Thank you for taking the time to reply SSmith. I am sorry that it has been a painful journey for you. I wish you all the best in the future.

Natja
 
SSmith, I'm sorry you cannot enjoy shared happiness together as a married couple, that you are basically not compatible on such a fundamental level. I hope you both can transition to the next chapter in your lives smoothly, as exes, and each find happiness as individuals.

Galagirl
 
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