Dirtclustit
Banned
Kerrbear may have been talking about Marcus
The written word is often easy to misread the tone. Either way, I wouldn't sweat it, SSmith. Any advice given here is only going off of the story you share in your posts. So don't worry about it, and take it with a grain of salt.
Including my words.
But if you honestly are 100% sure that you feel you can only be in a traditional relationship (and you feel that way by far the majority of the time)
&
Your wife is honestly 100% sure that she feels she can only be in a poly-type relationship (and she feels that way by far the majority of the time)
then you will likely be doing yourself a favor to take Marcus's advice.
I need to throw in the disclaimer that what I am about to say may not at all be describing your relationship, and many will disagree with me, and they will be right to do so, because it doesn't describe them. It comes from me and my experience, as well as what I believe I see happen with others who found themselves in a situation extremely similar to yours.
First of all, not many people recognize that the subject, viewpoint, decision or position they take a hard stance on may not be what they feel 100% of the time. Emotions are sort of complicated. I believe that for many of these subjects, like love and polyamory, it seriously takes practice to let your emotions guide you towards the decisions that will be right for your life. It takes practice, because often our emotions sort of lie to us, and it is hard to truly recognize what those feelings are trying to tell us.
There are definitely ways that your wife can be involved with others that you will never be able to tolerate, such as being rude, manipulative, and disrespectful. I don't know anybody who would feel happy in satisfied in that type of a poly relationship.
There are also ways that your wife could be involved with others that would not affect your happiness and your relationship with your wife, and most people are not too concerned about relationships like that.
There are also ways that your wife could be involved with others thatwould appear to not affect your happiness and your relationship with your wife, however those relationships might make a night and day difference in your wife's happiness, so much so that you never realized how much your overall satisfaction with your marriage depended on your wife feeling content with life, and having relationships with others is what she has found works best for her to feel content with life.
Most people need to share some part of their life with others to feel satisfied with life. We are social creatures. I don't mean having a social event you are planning to attend three nights a week type of social. I mean most people enjoy some type of interaction with others. It's why Tom Hanks made the volleyball into a live person in the movie "Castaway."
I should also point out that everything I am saying about "relationships" with others might fit into your life in regards to "sharing" anything. It does not necessarily need to be about sex.
In fact, for now, look at your wife's other relationships as traditional friendships that do not include sex. Most people need many close friends in order to feel satisfied with life. And even if those relationships did not include sex, you would likely not tolerate them if her friends were rude, manipulative and disrespectful.
And your wife's friends who treated your marriage with respect, showed with their actions and words that they cared about your well-being, which means they understood the subtle ways that their friendship with your wife may affect your marriage.
When you communicate your concerns to your wife, it probably makes a lot of difference to you if she shows concern for how you feel, and attempts to address your concerns because she genuinely cares. If she sits down and listens to you, it makes things easier than if she said, "Well, that's your problem, not mine."
Most people need to support each other in able to make it through the problems their marriage is having. It also helps, as in, it can make a night-and-day difference, when your wife's friends show concern for how you feel. It is hard to handle a situation where you think your wife's friends are trying to slight you, instead of trying to support you to help you get through these tough times
And don't forget that all of my theories also equally apply to you, and the way you show with words and actions respect for your wife's friends and her relationships with them. It is extremely easy to be unconcerned, manipulative and disrespectful to them. I think many spouses do it and may not even be aware of the extent to which they are doing it.
A polyamorous life can be very complicated, and require more conscientiously thinking of others' plights than some people are willing to be aware of. It is why many people who are poly find it works better for them to go about it in a more completely separated uninvolved manner of accepting that they have their time with a person, and they have time away from the same person, and they stay completely out of any part of the dynamic of each others' "away" time.
That type of acceptance and freedom in an intimate relationship doesn't seem to come easy to those who have had monogamy engrained into their belief system as the only way to be in an intimate relationship.
Most people cannot just let go of all boundaries like that, and from the get-go. For most people who find themselves feeling conflicted in ways that you have described, it takes a lot of work, a lot of honest self-reflection and understanding. Plus it takes all that from all parties involved who are connected through those people that have unrelated friends have in common.
When everyone involved genuinely cares about how all the others feel, and everyone is honest (which requires coming back later and letting their friends know when/if they may have reacted or behaved in ways that didn't exactly align with the way people who care about each other behave) when that is happening, I honestly do not believe there is anybody who can't find happiness in poly.
And when any one of the parties involved does not act like a friend, or is in any way acting uncaring and disrespectful, I truly think when it goes unrecognized or unacknowledged it can wreck anybody's happiness living poly.
That is the way all relationships work in life. The same scenarios hold true if polyamory meant non-sexual but really close friend. Some people simply cannot handle their spouse being close to anyone in any way. Some husbands cannot handle their wives having "traditional" close girlfriends, even though their wives may be 100% hetero. And from my point of view, people like that will never be in a healthy, satisfying relationship, as most of them crave friendships with others besides their spouse that are what "normal" people would describe as "close" or best friends. I don't think it can be considered caring for your spouse if you were so insecure that you couldn't be her husband if she had other friends beside yourself if they were anything more than casual.
Please understand I am in no way saying you are like that.
The point I am trying to make is, honestly, I believe that if a spouse has a healthy enough outlook on life and friendships to understand that your spouse having a non-sexual best friend is completely healthy and, in fact, the easiest way for people to feel fulfilled and content in their life, if you can do that, you can do poly (as in the including-sex kind of poly), so long as you are involved with the right kind of people.
Making poly work is nothing more than having emotionally healthy relationships with other people. It is about understanding how to engage in healthy relationships with others by knowing what boundaries work for you in your life to be happy. It is about being honest with yourself, and being friends with people you can communicate with, so that they understand you, and you clearly understand them, as well as have the same general ideas about what you consider defines respecting other people.
If the whole issue really was just about sex, as opposed to healthy relationships in general, then only poly people would seek marriage counseling, and I assure you there are plenty of people whose marriage is about to fall apart, and it has absolutely nothing to do with having sex with others, but everything to do with their ability to have emotional healthy relationships.
If you can have emotionally healthy relationships being mono, I strongly believe that you can do it poly. I say this because by far the healthiest poly relationships I know of are ones that "accidentally" found themselves in a poly (that includes sex) scenario the easy way. They just fell into it. And I know for a fact it had nothing to do with their ability to be totally at ease and comfortable with sex, but everything to do with understanding healthy relationships that did not include any aspect of sex.
If you can do emotionally healthy in regards to _________ [fill in the blank], I promise you that you can do emotionally healthy "polyamory," which may or may not include sex.
The written word is often easy to misread the tone. Either way, I wouldn't sweat it, SSmith. Any advice given here is only going off of the story you share in your posts. So don't worry about it, and take it with a grain of salt.
Including my words.
But if you honestly are 100% sure that you feel you can only be in a traditional relationship (and you feel that way by far the majority of the time)
&
Your wife is honestly 100% sure that she feels she can only be in a poly-type relationship (and she feels that way by far the majority of the time)
then you will likely be doing yourself a favor to take Marcus's advice.
I need to throw in the disclaimer that what I am about to say may not at all be describing your relationship, and many will disagree with me, and they will be right to do so, because it doesn't describe them. It comes from me and my experience, as well as what I believe I see happen with others who found themselves in a situation extremely similar to yours.
First of all, not many people recognize that the subject, viewpoint, decision or position they take a hard stance on may not be what they feel 100% of the time. Emotions are sort of complicated. I believe that for many of these subjects, like love and polyamory, it seriously takes practice to let your emotions guide you towards the decisions that will be right for your life. It takes practice, because often our emotions sort of lie to us, and it is hard to truly recognize what those feelings are trying to tell us.
There are definitely ways that your wife can be involved with others that you will never be able to tolerate, such as being rude, manipulative, and disrespectful. I don't know anybody who would feel happy in satisfied in that type of a poly relationship.
There are also ways that your wife could be involved with others that would not affect your happiness and your relationship with your wife, and most people are not too concerned about relationships like that.
There are also ways that your wife could be involved with others thatwould appear to not affect your happiness and your relationship with your wife, however those relationships might make a night and day difference in your wife's happiness, so much so that you never realized how much your overall satisfaction with your marriage depended on your wife feeling content with life, and having relationships with others is what she has found works best for her to feel content with life.
Most people need to share some part of their life with others to feel satisfied with life. We are social creatures. I don't mean having a social event you are planning to attend three nights a week type of social. I mean most people enjoy some type of interaction with others. It's why Tom Hanks made the volleyball into a live person in the movie "Castaway."
I should also point out that everything I am saying about "relationships" with others might fit into your life in regards to "sharing" anything. It does not necessarily need to be about sex.
In fact, for now, look at your wife's other relationships as traditional friendships that do not include sex. Most people need many close friends in order to feel satisfied with life. And even if those relationships did not include sex, you would likely not tolerate them if her friends were rude, manipulative and disrespectful.
And your wife's friends who treated your marriage with respect, showed with their actions and words that they cared about your well-being, which means they understood the subtle ways that their friendship with your wife may affect your marriage.
When you communicate your concerns to your wife, it probably makes a lot of difference to you if she shows concern for how you feel, and attempts to address your concerns because she genuinely cares. If she sits down and listens to you, it makes things easier than if she said, "Well, that's your problem, not mine."
Most people need to support each other in able to make it through the problems their marriage is having. It also helps, as in, it can make a night-and-day difference, when your wife's friends show concern for how you feel. It is hard to handle a situation where you think your wife's friends are trying to slight you, instead of trying to support you to help you get through these tough times
And don't forget that all of my theories also equally apply to you, and the way you show with words and actions respect for your wife's friends and her relationships with them. It is extremely easy to be unconcerned, manipulative and disrespectful to them. I think many spouses do it and may not even be aware of the extent to which they are doing it.
A polyamorous life can be very complicated, and require more conscientiously thinking of others' plights than some people are willing to be aware of. It is why many people who are poly find it works better for them to go about it in a more completely separated uninvolved manner of accepting that they have their time with a person, and they have time away from the same person, and they stay completely out of any part of the dynamic of each others' "away" time.
That type of acceptance and freedom in an intimate relationship doesn't seem to come easy to those who have had monogamy engrained into their belief system as the only way to be in an intimate relationship.
Most people cannot just let go of all boundaries like that, and from the get-go. For most people who find themselves feeling conflicted in ways that you have described, it takes a lot of work, a lot of honest self-reflection and understanding. Plus it takes all that from all parties involved who are connected through those people that have unrelated friends have in common.
When everyone involved genuinely cares about how all the others feel, and everyone is honest (which requires coming back later and letting their friends know when/if they may have reacted or behaved in ways that didn't exactly align with the way people who care about each other behave) when that is happening, I honestly do not believe there is anybody who can't find happiness in poly.
And when any one of the parties involved does not act like a friend, or is in any way acting uncaring and disrespectful, I truly think when it goes unrecognized or unacknowledged it can wreck anybody's happiness living poly.
That is the way all relationships work in life. The same scenarios hold true if polyamory meant non-sexual but really close friend. Some people simply cannot handle their spouse being close to anyone in any way. Some husbands cannot handle their wives having "traditional" close girlfriends, even though their wives may be 100% hetero. And from my point of view, people like that will never be in a healthy, satisfying relationship, as most of them crave friendships with others besides their spouse that are what "normal" people would describe as "close" or best friends. I don't think it can be considered caring for your spouse if you were so insecure that you couldn't be her husband if she had other friends beside yourself if they were anything more than casual.
Please understand I am in no way saying you are like that.
The point I am trying to make is, honestly, I believe that if a spouse has a healthy enough outlook on life and friendships to understand that your spouse having a non-sexual best friend is completely healthy and, in fact, the easiest way for people to feel fulfilled and content in their life, if you can do that, you can do poly (as in the including-sex kind of poly), so long as you are involved with the right kind of people.
Making poly work is nothing more than having emotionally healthy relationships with other people. It is about understanding how to engage in healthy relationships with others by knowing what boundaries work for you in your life to be happy. It is about being honest with yourself, and being friends with people you can communicate with, so that they understand you, and you clearly understand them, as well as have the same general ideas about what you consider defines respecting other people.
If the whole issue really was just about sex, as opposed to healthy relationships in general, then only poly people would seek marriage counseling, and I assure you there are plenty of people whose marriage is about to fall apart, and it has absolutely nothing to do with having sex with others, but everything to do with their ability to have emotional healthy relationships.
If you can have emotionally healthy relationships being mono, I strongly believe that you can do it poly. I say this because by far the healthiest poly relationships I know of are ones that "accidentally" found themselves in a poly (that includes sex) scenario the easy way. They just fell into it. And I know for a fact it had nothing to do with their ability to be totally at ease and comfortable with sex, but everything to do with understanding healthy relationships that did not include any aspect of sex.
If you can do emotionally healthy in regards to _________ [fill in the blank], I promise you that you can do emotionally healthy "polyamory," which may or may not include sex.
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I don't mind it a ton as long as my husband realizes that I am poly, even if we both agree that mono is what we need to do right now.