Poly since the start of the year, looking for situation advice.

I don't see the part of the story where she is preventing his education. He responded himself by saying she wants him to get an education, she just doesn't want him to move to another town to do it, which happens to be tied to a new person. As I understand, it was not his plan to go to that school at that time before the new girl came along. He wanted to marry this woman and was totally committed to her until he met a new person and she made him question what he was doing with his life. That sounds like NRE to me.

He says he planned to go to school all along, but hasn't been moving forward with those plans while engaged. Is that really her fault? Ok, so she gave him a job he doesn't need a car for and a place to live. That may have contented him into inaction. I'm sure there are students struggling with finding a job and paying for a place to live who might think that would take a lot of pressure off and make it easier to go to school.

I can see how you could be right about the older woman. I also see Rhino saying repeatedly that he has been motivated to go to school by the new partner because she is going, that he wants to sign up for classes with the new girl, move to her town, start his education and grow with her. The same way he moved to the other woman's town, into her house, working for her business, probably while he was in NRE. What happens when the new girl throws a wrench in? She drops out of school or they have an ugly break up. Now suddenly it's not so motivating to be in her town going to school with her. What if he meets someone else next week who has different ideas?

I'm not concerned about the NRE leading him to leave his existing partner for her sake, as much as I am about it being what leads him in any direction. Of course he should go to school. That shouldn't be wrapped up in the relationship issues at all. Is the first partner preventing him from going to school, or is the new partner just making going to school with her look really really good right now?

Let's say we're both right, and the older woman is not handling a relationship with a younger person appropriately, and he's also being influenced by NRE with a new partner.

Rhino, I guess my advice remains the same. Go to school, beware of influences, think for yourself, slow down on the lifelong commitments.
 
Let me rephrase this. The new girl motivated me to go to school with her, sure. But what I'm really getting at is that this entire situation made me realize that I need to be able to take care of myself, with or without these women in my life. That's why I'm so panic stricken and eager to get my education rolling, because either one of these situations could implode at any moment, just like any other situation.

If I go to school with the new girl, I know I'll enjoy myself and do really well in my classes. If she and I don't work out, and break up in the middle of the school year, it isn't going to make me rethink my decision to go and further my own personal growth.

Make sense?
 
PapaRhino said:
The new girl motivated me to go to school with her, sure. But what I'm really getting at is that this entire situation made me realize that I need to be able to take care of myself, with or without these women in my life, that's why I'm so panic stricken and eager to get my education rolling, because either one of these situations could implode at any moment, just like any other situation.

If I go to school with the new girl, I know I'll enjoy myself and do really well in my classes. If she and I don't work out, and break up in the middle of the school year, it isn't going to make me rethink my decision to go and further my own personal growth.
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This is more or less what i thought you were saying from the beginning. Perhaps i misinterpreted one or two details here or there, but essentially i agree that whatever it is that motivates you to go to school and do well, it is something you will take with you the rest of your life, even if whatever originally motivated you goes by the wayside. But, to NOT go to school because someone ELSE doesn't want you to, or wants you to "not rush into it," is doing it for THEIR reasons and not your OWN reasons.

tl;dr: People break engagements all the time. Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. Your education stays with you always.
 
I don't see the part of the story where she is preventing his education.
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Kk - in post #3 of this thread is where i got that from. Rhino says:

This is what I was trying to tell my fiancee, but from her point of view, if things are going well with us, then why do I need to rush into school? Why do I need to experience the 20 year old college life if I'm really in love with her and cherish our lifestyle?
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I wrote as if he'd quoted something she'd said, which is not the case, but this is where i got the information on which that response of mine was based. I stand by it, especially in light of Rhino's more recent explanation which confirms that i understood him correctly in the first place.
 
PapaRhino said:
The new girl motivated me to go to school with her... This entire situation made me realize that I need to be able to take care of myself, with or without these women in my life, that's why I'm so eager to get my education rolling, because either one of these situations could implode at any moment, just like any other situation.

If I go to school with the new girl, I know I'll enjoy myself and do really well in my classes. If we don't work out, and break up in the middle of the school year, it isn't going to make me rethink my decision to go and further my own personal growth.
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Yes, that sounds great, and was not clear to me before.
 
Well, I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Monday was my fiancee's birthday. She spent most of it with the old man.

I had been awake since 2AM on Sunday, I raked and packed leaves in our backyard, and made our kitchen look nice and clean, on 0 sleep, pretty much.

I fell asleep at 9PM tonight. She comes home from his place at 10:30 and acts very sweet and kind to me in my sleepy state of mind. I wake up and cuddle her for about 5 minutes. She tells me to go back to sleep. I wake up 15 minutes later and she's not even in the house. She didn't take her phone. It's now 2:30AM and I'm worried sick. I've gone through almost an entire pack of cigarettes in a few hours, I went skateboarding for a few miles and tried relaxing at a church, laying in the grass and stargazing.

All I can think about is how livid I am (and how much I want to rage fuck my new girl). She better have a good explanation for this. I'm already looking at cheap apartments and a job tonight. This is just too much to handle. I love her dearly, but keeping me up all night long worrying about her is not cool. :(
 
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And all I can think about is how livid I am (and how much I want to rage fuck my new girl).
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Um... venting about it, sure. Actually "rage fucking" your girl? I'd hope you want to have a better sex share with your new GF that is better than THAT. She deserves better treatment.

She better have a good explanation for this. I'm already looking at cheap apartments and a job tonight. This is just too much to handle. I love her dearly but keeping me up all night long worrying about her is not cool
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There is no explanation for lack of consideration to that degree. No note or anything? :(

Definitely get a new job, new apartment. Even if you kiss and make up and continue to be engaged, you don't need the threat of homelessness hanging over you. Live separately during engagement time.

This is precisely why I am a fan of long engagements. You get a real measure of a person's ways and their character through MANY situations and circumstances.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Um... venting about it, sure. Actually "rage fucking" your girl? I'd hope you want to have a better sex share with your new GF that is better than THAT. She deserves better treatment.

There is no explanation for lack of consideration to that degree. No note or anything? :(

Get a new job, new apartment. Even if you kiss and make up and continue to be engaged, you don't need the threat of homelessness hanging over you.

This is precisely why I am a fan of long engagements You get a real measure of a person's ways and their character through MANY situations and circumstances.
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New girl told me "I know you're super angry. I wish you were here so you could take it out on me~"

So uh, she wants that :)

I'm going to college next spring. I signed a contract this morning with her stating that I'd be poly with her and away at college for four years, that I'd see her 2-3 days every week, and that after those 4 years I'd be monogamous to my fiancee. If it doesn't hold up, she told me "so your soul burn in hell."

Hmm.
 
Contract, really? O-kay. I can't wrap my mind around why two people who want to be together need a contract... Especially one as specific as that. You DO know a contract like that isn't legally binding, like what if one of you breaks it? Would you take the other to court and try to get money or something?
 
What the hell kind of BS is that? Is SHE going to be monogamous after those four years? If you tell the new girl that, I guarantee you might get slapped or just dumped on the spot. I do not know any woman on the face of the planet who wants to be borrowed for a specified amount of years like a leasehold property. "I am leasing/renting/letting you until x year, and then, I have to give you up." That screams controlling, and it is ridiculous.
 
Yeah, I know it's not legally binding at all. It's crazy controlling nonsense. I think I'm out of this in 7 months, not four years. It's going to break her heart, but this is too much and maybe it just isn't meant to be, maybe I'll revisit this when I'm ready years down the road, but I am a free man and I will not sign years of my life away. Looks like there's a suite reserved in a lava pit for new girl and me...
 
New girl told me "I know you're super angry I wish you were here so you could take it out on me~" So uh, she wants that.
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I wouldn't want to be some angry man's dick cushion. Gross. :eek:

You need emotional support and she offers you what? The opportunity to service her sex want? What are you? A living dildo for these women? An object, not a person? Grosser. :eek:

I'd be leery she's messed up too. Is this one a cowgirl, more than happy to rope you away from the fiancee?

Watch your own back, dude. Do not engage in less than self-respecting behavior.

I'm going to college next spring, I signed a contract this morning with her stating that I'd be poly with her and away at college for four years, that I'd see her 2-3 days every week, and that after those 4 years I'd be monogamous to my fiancee. if it doesn't hold up, she told me "so your soul burn in hell".
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Who is "she" here? The fiancee?

Listen, you propose marriage to her and now have signed a contract with her to assuage her insecurity? Call it a contract or call it an agreement. It doesn't matter. You both have the right to define your relationship however you please. It is not notarized. It is not legal or binding or anything.

But the INTENTION behind the contract does not seem to be "Let's get on the same page and make agreements for how to treat each other so we can handle you going to college."

The intention sounds like "Let's keep him on a short leash while he's at college because I don't trust him/don't want him to escape me."

"Burn in hell"? What a disrespectful thing to say, after not respecting you enough to leave a note when she's out all night. :eek:

If this is a case of "Say/do whatever in the short term, so I can escape a crazy situation," so be it. But if that is the case, be careful how you access Internet from her home. You don't need her keylogging and peeking and escalataing the drama-llama over there.

Seek employment elsewhere and a new place to live as soon as realistically possible.

And just to throw it out there -- the tactics of power and control. in case you are experiencing any other behaviors that are off putting and controlling and can't quite ID them, from EITHER woman. If you are having NRE, you may not be seeing it all clearly. Or if you easily get sucked back in because they play your emotions, guard against that. Watch your own back, Dude.
 
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Ha, dick cushion. That's a good one. She's a kinky girl. I see nothing wrong with it. Of course I want to make passionate and sensual love to her as well.

And yeah, she's a "cowgirl," alright, but I'm okay with it. The stuff my fiancee's been pulling lately isn't acceptable and I want out at this point.

And yes, I was referring to my fiancee. And yes, the intention is, "I'll let you do this, but only if you promise you'll come back to me by yourself in 4 years and get married to me."

And yes, the case is one of "Do/Say what I need to to get out of here with benefits."

I'm aware of keyloggers. I'm a pretty in-depth computer guy, so I believe I would notice it if it were happening. I don't think she'd be so intrusive or smart enough to do it, but if she does, that just means I leave for school earlier.

I'm watching my own back above all else, and I'm going to enjoy this new girl while I do it.

When I go to school I won't be living with her. I'll have my own place. I'm sure she'll be over there a ton, though. I'll even let her leave a toothbrush. :)
 
Nothing wrong with kink -- just do it safely. Do not edge play while angry or otherwise impaired. Go take kink classes together if you enjoy that scene. Do it well.

I don't think she'd be so intrusive or smart enough to do it, if she does, that just means I leave for school earlier.
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If you want out at this point, and you can say that casually, like you can just leave whenever, leave now.
 
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GalaGirl said:
Nothing wrong with kink -- just do it safely. Do not edge play while angry or otherwise impaired. Go take kink classes together if you enjoy that scene. Do it well.

If you want out at this point, and you can say that casually like you can just leave whenever, leave now.
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She was merely saying, "I wish you were here so we could relieve stress together." I know more about kink community and rules than her, I believe. I know to play safe.

I'd rather wait the seven months so I can have time to save money, get my financial aid sorted out, get my driver's license, and buy a car. And study my general courses so I can potentially test out of a few of them.
 
Last night my fiancee came into the bedroom screaming and crying, pounding her fists repeatedly on the bed, "All I can think about is that other vagina, you're leaving me for this other vagina, all I can think about is NAME, NAME, NAME"

Then she made me breakfast in bed this morning.

Then she told me that she hates me while I was in the shower afterwards.

Whaaaaaat the fawk.
 
You're 21 and you've only known this woman for a year. Regardless what other people might have to say about "NRE" or you changing the relationship by moving away to go to school and/or having another girlfriend... That is not how an adult in a caring relationship goes about communicating with their so-called partner. That is the sound of an adolescent girl who just got dumped by the boy next door. People show their best side only at the start of a relationship. Sooner or later, they start to get comfortable and show their worse sides. Eventually we get to see what people are like during a crisis or a fight. That is when they show their TRUE selves.

I am a firm believer that the quality of a relationship is measured NOT by how wonderful things are when they are wonderful, but by how you handle things when things are NOT so wonderful. When i "fight" or "argue" with my partners, it is always ABOUT something, and we are always mindful of the goal which is to resolve a situation. When we can't arrive at a solution right away, we "table" the matter and return to it later, or we agree that it remains unresolved indefinitely yet still requires attention at some point. This screaming and flailing and name-calling are not addressing the real issues.

tl;dr: a year is not a very long investment in getting to know someone. People show their true colours during times of crisis.
 
Actually I won't be 21 until September.

I completely agree. If you love someone, you don't make them sign contracts. You don't act like this.
 
If you have the ability to leave now, you could change your mind and leave now. Wash your hands of these shenanigans and not look back.

If you want to put up with some wackadoodle to wait til 7 months out, because you get some benefit from that approach -- go with that decision.

If you are not ABLE to leave for whatever reason, and are stuck there, because of no license, no car, no money or whatever, and are being abused or harassed or whatever, seek aid.

Or you COULD LIE until you are in a better position to get yourself out intact. The leaving time is the dangerous time. All it takes is a jealous nut with a gun and the attitude of "If I cannot have you, nobody can!" Ugh. :(

You could break up with the young GF to assuage your fiancee, and get her off your case, so you can be safe enough for now. Quietly Google how to make a safety plan, then put it into effect. Call your parents or other relatives who might take you in. Call local aid for abused people to see what "out" you can access.

It's up to you how you want to deal with this.

Normally I'd rather be super honest with people I'm in a relationship with. But when dealing with a nutter? All bets are off. I don't have to be truthful to a nut. They are making me feel unsafe and posing a danger to me, so screw them. Everyone for themselves.

I hope you are safe enough there. Only you can see the severity of this situation.
 
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