Newbie probs

KittenPuff

KittenPuff

New member
Hubs is out on a first date with a woman who is younger, prettier, cooler, girlier, and kinkier than I am. I've been good with the idea of ploy and fine with past first dates. He's only ever had first dates so far and I've actually met this woman, so maybe that's why this is different but I'm having a little jealousy creep in. What to do? The basic gist of our situation is in my signature. Any advice is welcome.

Thanks!
 
KittenPuff said:
Hubs is out on a first date with a woman who is younger, prettier, cooler, girlier, and kinkier than I am.
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I believe we have some members here who have non-sexual partners in their relationships; with any luck they will be able to help with the a-sexual aspect of your situation.

Most of it, though, strikes me as being a self-image oriented issue. This girl sounds like she's better than you in every way (according to your description) but I find that unlikely. In a poly relationship, even if it WERE true it wouldn't matter. Some people on this planet happen to be dashing, successful, attractive, and confident (dicks) but that doesn't do much to change how I relate to my romantic partners. If my partner didn't find something in me that they enjoyed they would simply not be with me.

Another way to look at it is to realize that you're with someone who can attract a real catch. Be happy for them! Bathe in the fact that this much of a bad-ass is dating you as well!
 
I just typed a long response and when I went to post it, I'd been logged out so I lost the whole thing. GRR!

Thanks for the feedback and advice. I am a fan of changing the way I think about things and appreciate your suggestions.

Anyway, he really seems to like her. I'm glad for that. If he were dating someone just like me, what would be the point?

I definitely have self-image issues and always have. I need to figure out how to deal with them. I never measure up to anyone else in my mind. This could prove to be a bigger problem than it has been in the past, especially when he's in NRE mode, and I'm at home seeking solace on the internet.

I am also a little jealous that he gets to date and I don't. Not many dating options out there for us ace folk. :(
 
KittenPuff said:
I am also a little jealous that he gets to date and I don't. Not many dating options out there for us ace folk. :(
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Funny, I always think that way about the MASSIVE monogamous dating pool in comparison to my own. While the ace (I Googled it) dating pool could just as easily be included in the mono and non-mono communities, I imagine it (asexual) has even a smaller pool.
 
I remember having a lot of the same feelings when my husband started dating. It helps to remember that he's with you because he wants to be with you. If you play the comparison game you're always going to lose. We are our own worst critics.
 
I used to have self-esteem issues too, but I solved them by becoming awesome. If I can do it, so can you.
 
KittenPuff said:
I am also a little jealous that he gets to date and I don't. Not many dating options out there for us ace folk.
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It may be better than you think (although probably still can't compare with sexual poly folks). I'm sure there are some poly people who don't mind having a non-sexual relationship, because they're always free to have sexual relationships with others. From this perspective, poly aces may be better off than mono ones, at least for those who don't want to have sex.

It's funny that I, as an ace, actually found another relationship before my sexual husband did, because I don't mind long-distance relationships. Although it's not exactly an asexual thing, I did notice that a lot of aces are open to or even like LDRs. I guess part of the reason is the physical aspect of the relationship is less important to them.
 
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Derbylicious said:
I remember having a lot of the same feelings when my husband started dating. It helps to remember that he's with you because he wants to be with you. If you play the comparison game you're always going to lose. We are our own worst critics.
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True. So very true. We talked about this and his worst fear in even asking me for it was that I would leave. I admitted that sending him out for sex elsewhere was something I had been considering for a long time. We were both relieved that neither of us wanted to leave. Now I have this creeping fear that once he finds what he's looking for, he'll realize he doesn't need me anymore for anything.

I'm comfortable with him having sex with someone else. Loving someone else scares me.

I always lose the comparison game, and for some sick reason continue to play it. I need to figure out how to stop that.
 
BoringGuy said:
I used to have self-esteem issues too, but I solved them by becoming awesome. If I can do it, so can you.
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Working on that. It doesn't help that I didn't eat very well this weekend, and was home feeling fat and bloated, as well as lonely. Today, I will get a workout in. I can't be everything I want to be, but I can make who I am better. :)
 
Eponine said:
It's funny that I, as an ace, actually found another relationship before my sexual husband does, because I don't mind long-distance relationships. Although it's not exactly an asexual thing, I did notice that a lot of aces are open to, or even like LDRs. I guess part of the reason is the physical aspect of the relationship is less important to them.
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I have had so many LDRs in my life!
 
OMG-- "Fat, bloated, and lonely" just cracked me up! I've been there!

Listen, don't call yourself names because you keep comparing yourself to others. We all do that from time to time. It's pretty much an automatic thing we're taught to do because humans are competitive creatures. Sometimes, it's a very useful thing, as in strategizing on how to stand out in order to ace a job interview, for example. Don't be so hard on yourself that you are hard on yourself for being hard on yourself!

The only thing we can do to manage certain patterns in our thought processes is to be aware of them without judging ourselves for having that habit or pattern, and then pay it no mind. As in, "Oh, here I go again comparing myself to her. I don't have to do that." And then you just occupy your mind with other, more productive things to think about, like, "Maybe I'll rearrange the canned goods in my pantry now," and really get present with what you are doing rather than indulging in thoughts. Eventually, the thoughts become background music that you know is there but don't have to pay attention to.

But, in addition to all that, discuss with your hubs all the fears you mentioned here.

"Honey, even though we were both happy that neither of us wanted to leave if you got involved with someone else, I now have this creeping fear that once you find what you're looking for sexually, you won't need me anymore for anything. I'm comfortable with you having sex with someone else. You loving someone else scares me, and I keep comparing myself."

As long as you aren't giving ultimatums or making rules out of these fears (as in a very unreasonable "don't fall in love"), just talking about them will help them dissipate.
 
My husband's GF is thin, very elegant, mysterious, striking and beautiful.

I am curvy, sexy, the kind of woman men are attracted to when they get to talk to me, but not the kind people will look at in the street. And personality-wise we could not be more different.

When my BF started dating his now GF, I googled her (she does not want to meet me), and found out she's a black-haired, skinny dancer.

I am blond-going-grey, curvy (yeah, already mentioned that) and the only gymnastics I like take place in the bedroom.

It used to upset me that my loves are dating women who are so very different from me. Then I started thinking about how I would feel if they would date women that looked exactly like me and with whom I shared a lot of personality traits.

The last time I did the 'compare' thing was when my husband went on a date with his GF, and I was home with the flu, and whenever I looked in the mirror I saw my puffy eyes and red nose and my hair that I hadn't washed in 4 days. Imagining him with her was not a nice image. But usually? I take extra good care of myself when I feel the 'comparing monster' creeping up. Dress up nicely and go to the movies by myself. Or meet a friend who really values and appreciates my company.
 
FUCKING FUCK! I keep losing posts because I'm not used to this interface yet!!!!!! Sorry about the language... I usually try to restrain myself.

Thank you, everyone, for your input. There are some good things to consider here.

I was just typing a response when my phone rang. I had a really uncomfortable phone conversation with him. I'm pretty sure that I just ruined his afternoon, because I couldn't keep it together long enough to make it through a 2-minute conversation. He feels guilty for "making" me feel bad. I keep trying to explain that he's not "making" me feel anything. I have feelings and I need to feel them before I can decide what I need to do about them.

He caught me in a bad moment. I started crying, half from my jealous/bloated loneliness, and half from my gratitude that he would call and notice and ask if I was ok. He is struggling with this as much as I am. I need to remember that. I didn't have a chance to think about how to say what I needed to say and it came out all messy. :( We will talk tonight.

NYCindie, thank you for the reminder to engage in mindfulness. I am so good at doling out the advice and never taking it myself. I really should clean up the piles of yarn and fabric in the living room before moving to the pantry, though. LOL ;) But I take your point. Busy my body to calm my mind. Acknowledge my thoughts and let them go.

Cleo, she is the one with the curves! :) I have lost weight and am working on getting stronger so my boobs are shrinking and I am more angular than I've ever been since he's known me. I am happy with the strength. Not so thrilled with the bra getting looser. The thing that I confuse myself with is that I do not want to be sexually attractive (as I am asexual) but I also don't want to be unattractive.

The human emotional spectrum. What a freakin' minefield.
 
I think small boobs are very attractive. Indeed, i stare at small breasts the way most people do at big ones.

"ur doin it wrong", lol.
 
Well, they're not small, just smallER. :)
 
Every little bit helps...
 
we ARE our own worse critics..

Derbylicious said:
I remember having a lot of the same feelings when my husband started dating. It helps to remember that he's with you because he wants to be with you. If you play the comparison game you're always going to lose. We are our own worst critics.
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I agree 100%. As soon as poly turns into a competition it is doomed to fail Remember why he is with you. It is okay to understand and appreciate why he would choose her too, and try to take it in stride.

It is important that your relationship has a strong foundation before you can bring others into it. Are you sure you are ready to open up and share him completely? We all have our own self-issues, and we are our own worse critics.. You should try to be confident in your partner's ability to remember you, and who you are in his life, even while he is out with her. It is definitely okay to ask for reassurance if you still find yourself feeling uneasy.
 
I must say that I am pleased that I am not the only asexual poly person in the world. Sometimes it feels that way...

I did the compare the gf thing once. It earned me 2 weeks of depression before I realized (with the loving help of my hubby) that I was different than the gf and that though she was EVERYTHING I felt that I wasn't, I had my good points too and I wasn't giving myself a chance.

I was my own worse critic, and hubby explained that gf was her own worse critic too. Made me see things differently when I understood that she had the same feelings that I did.
 
nancyfore said:
I must say that I am pleased that I am not the only asexual poly person in the world. Sometimes it feels that way...

.
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Huh? Your husband's signature says you're bi. And how did you have 8 kids? Artificial insemination? I'm not trying to be a wiseguy, i'm just wicked confused. I am sure i missed something somewhere...
 
I'm comfortable with him having sex with someone else. Loving someone else scares me.
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It can be hard, or even impossible (not to mention pretty dang unfair) to ask someone to have sex and not develop feelings. Even worse would be letting the feelings develop and then yanking the rug out from under the two of them. What do you think you'll do if they do fall in love?
 
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