Someone tell me it works

If there were forums for "regular" relationships, you'd find exactly the same thing. When things are going great, people seldom ask questions. They don't speak about it, for fear of bragging. Think about it. Relationships, as a whole, just do not work more often than not. But that doesn't mean they can't work. Each one is its own thing, so, as with everything, be open and honest. :) Best of luck!
 
AnnabelMore said:
Oh gosh, hope she's ok!

Its an incredible comfort to me to imagine, if something bad ever happened to me, waking up to see multiple partners waiting to see me. I know its a weird thought, but it makes me feel very loved and secure.
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Yes, thank you for asking. Decompressing and clipping nerves for occipital neuralgia to hopefully alleviate the constant migraine she's been having. The three of us are recovering at a hotel before heading home tomorrow.

As for me, I travel a lot for my job and it's a source of comfort for me knowing he is there for her when I am away, like the warriors described in Sex at Dawn (great book, btw!).
 
We have been married for 22 years, and polymers for 2. We each are in V relationships. We are also looking for a third to join us in a triad. We have had our ups and downs, but who hasn't? All in all, polyamory has been a wonderful new part of our harmony.
 
LadySFI said:
I just need to know that this is working for some people and that overall they are truly happy with their lifestyle choice.
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My partner and I been actively poly for 10 years. Our triad is in its 4th year and working fine.

Of course, there are people on this forum that will tell you that some particular configurations will not, or should not work. Our experience (and that of many of our friends) is that polyamory is a viable lifestyle choice. It does take a certain degree of maturity and skill, though.

I'd agree with the previous posters, however, that if one has a tendency to drama, poly might not be a wise choice if one is looking to maintain long-term relationships.
 
Hi. :) My answer will really reiterate the general consensus. I do believe that polyamory can work. It is hard work. There has to be a genuine, honest part of you that believes in it to make it work.

I have been in my poly relationship for just over two years. Most of our arguments are related to polyamory. In the early days, they were jealousy arguments. Then they became expectations arguments. These days, when we argue, it tends to be because we are miscommunicating. For me, at least, it has evolved and improved over time.

I have had many moments where I have questioned whether polyamory is right for me. The thought of monogamy petrifies me these days. I just can't trust that relationship model.

Have you thought about the reasons you want to be poly? I haven't read your background posts yet, so I don't know the details of your situation.

When things get rough for me, I remind myself of my core values:

1. I don't believe in ownership of a partner;
2. I enjoy my own personal freedom;
3. I don't trust that monogamy works; I would rather deal with the pain of poly than the pain of being cheated on;
4. I want to grow, and polyamory helps me face my insecurities and become stronger.
 
My partner and I been actively poly for 10 years. Our triad is in its 4th year and working fine. Of course, there are people on this forum that will tell you that some particular configurations will not, or should not work.
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Oh please, that is false. Don't start that. You're talking about unicorn hunting. Nobody ever says triads won't or shouldn't work. People say unicorn hunting is unrealistic. Those are not the same things. Don't go around saying shit that isn't true, please. Do your homework, then come back and have a discussion that makes sense.

That is all.
 
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BoringGuy said:
Nobody ever says triads won't or shouldn't work.
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Before you start making snarky remarks, do your homework. I quote from Natja:

"Why triads rarely work, and why lots of experienced polyamorists think they are a bad, bad idea in general."

I was simply stating a fact: some people on this board have a negative perception of certain poly configurations. I'm sorry that bothers you. :)
 
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Thanks for all the wonderful advice and thoughts. I am currently in a triad that happened without me realizing. I thought it was going to be a FWB situation while my husband Cayden and I are so far away from each other. However, my new bf Dave and I are making each other very happy and find ourselves almost always together. Cayden is happy that I am happy, and happy playing with Dave too! They get along so well. If they didn't, I couldn't continue with this.

I am also helping Cayden look for a girlfriend himself. I have someone here; he should be able to have someone where he is that he can share fun times with too.

I have just found that they both complement me in completely different ways. I don't know if Dave is mono at heart or not. It is a conversation I am going to have with him next week on the way home from our trip to visit Cayden this weekend.

So far, we have all been open and honest. To be fair, I am not sure if Dave is being honest with himself about his feelings for me. Apparently everyone we have been around (even those we are not out to) ask me what the deal is with him, or say, "Careful, that friend of yours is really falling for you."

Honestly, I am not yet sure where this is going, I am just enjoying the ride. Even if Dave doesn't work out, this situation has made me realize that I have been poly almost as long as I remember. This one is just different, as there is sex involved.

I had a best friend for 7 years that everyone called my "second husband." It was never intimate (other than the occasional punch in the arm) but I loved him more than anything. Before that, there were others. In a way, it was never just me with Cayden. I have never believed that monogamy is natural and I never believed that one person can be another's "everything."

I just want both of my boys to be happy, whatever that takes. I am secure in my relationship with Cayden and want him to have all the same privileges and happiness I do.

I hope we are off to the right start.
 
northhome said:
Before you start making snarky remarks, do your homework. I quote from Natja:

"Why triads rarely work and why lots of experienced polys think they are a bad, bad idea in general."

I was simply stating a fact: some people on this board have a negative perception of certain poly configurations. I'm sorry that bothers you. :)
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Don't say you're sorry. That's not necessary.

Also, she says they rarely work, not that they "won't" work, "shouldn't" work, "never" work, etc. Is this your best example, because if so, it's a pretty shitty one, seeing as how it doesn't say what you claim it does. Did you really just quote that and say it says something it doesn't say?

So big deal. You are one of the triads that "rarely" works. Good for you.

Please try to make sense. That's all I'm asking. Is that asking too much?
 
Natja didn't say triads never work. She says they rarely work. And I agree. They do seem like the least successful poly configuration.
 
A triad is three people who are all romantically and sexually involved. If one person is sexually involved with two people who are not sexually involved with each other, that's not a triad, it's a V.

(I only iterate, because it appears the OP may have been confused. But I was skimming through, so if I missed where she said the two guys were involved, I apologize.)
 
Triads can be difficult

it not only takes compatible people, but also those who are capable and have a strong desire for that configuration. Many people end up failing and sometimes people get hurt. Some people will give you good advice on how to avoid the pitfalls that they couldn't make it through, so that you can. There are also those who seem more upset, jealous, even if you are in a triad. It can be hard to distinguish the good advice from those that are just bitter.
 
From her other posts, I believe the OP is in a V, with her bf Dave, who is local to her, and her husband Cayden, who is currently living far away from where she is now. There is no indication in any of her posts that she is looking for a triad. I think she simply misused the term when she described her situation.
 
That was my impression too, NYCindie. That's why I posted the definitions.

I'm not as good as you are at finding the links to the existing threads. :) I know the thread of definitions (glossary) exists because I created it. Terrible, huh? :p
 
Sorry about the order in line of my comment. It certainly wasn't directed at you, LR. Because polyamory has only recently become an above-ground practice, there are going to be many words in the vocabulary that may take a while before they become more standardized. I hope that due to the internet it won't be left to a bunch pedantic stick in the mud, or head in the sand type grammarians that slaughtered and obfuscated the English language rather passive aggressively, rather than just admitting they were bitter and being done with it.

It is always good to be on the same page, to have people's words not mean two different things (especially when trying to clarify specific topics) so I can appreciate the list of terms posted. I also tend to call triads what some might describe as V configuration, as the form I am familiar with is a relationship with all three, as in it is more the norm to see all three people together than just two, even if behind closed doors there is rarely a situation where it is all three or even the three possible pairs of two, as there is one paired sexual combo that doesn't happen, if that makes sense, but in all other ways the three more closely resemble a triad than a V.

Anyway, not really the situation that the OP is describing, but I don't restrict triad label only to configurations where sex at least occurs between A&B, B&C, C&A, or ABC. Sometimes based just on the sex configuration a relationship looks like a V, but triad may fit better in some cases.
 
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Dirtclustit said:
I hope that due to the internet it won't be left to a bunch pedantic stick in the mud, or heads in the sand type grammarians that slaughtered and obfuscated the English language rather passive aggressively, rather than just admitting they were bitter and being done with it.
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Who are you mad at?

Dirtclustit said:
I don't restrict triad label only to configurations where sex at least occurs between A&B, B&C, C&A, or ABC. Sometimes, based just on the sex configuration, a relationship looks like a V, but triad may fit better in some cases.
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The definitions posted on this site are pretty clear without being restrictive. There isn't a requirement of sex between the partners for them to be together, I suspect that our asexual friends would agree that it isn't necessarily a requirement for romance.

Triad n 1: any three-person love style. 2: three people involved in some way; most often used in a committed sense; in some cases involving ceremonies of commitment 3: a union or group of three usually closely-related persons or things​
​
Triangle n 1: (or equilateral triangle) relationship where three people are each involved with both of the others, sometimes also called a triad​
​
Vee n : three people, where the structure puts one person at the bottom, or hinge" of the vee, also called the pivot point; in a vee, the arm partners are not as commonly close to each other as each is to the pivot​

So you aren't redefining the terms, just recognizing that people have different qualifiers of what they would consider "involved".
 
I am honestly mad at the whole world...

And not just the people living today, but every person who knowingly recorded a false account of history, and for being stupid enough to believe that a day would never come when the truth could not be covered with lies.

My anger doesn't even really have anything to do with anyone tonight, so I really need to step away from the site. The simplest way to say it is that it makes my blood boil every time I realize how stupid mankind is, how ALL of the world's problems are rooted in misunderstandings or rationalizations, or justifying our behavior because we fail to be honest.

When I see all that has been done with what we were given in this world, and all that we could be doing, but still choose not to, I can't believe that it seems the world and its people as a collective choose death instead of life.

I will be back later when I can make more sense instead of talking gibberish craziness.
 
BoringGuy said:
Is this your best example? Because if so, it's a pretty shitty one, seeing as how it doesn't say what you claim it does. Did you really just quote that and say it says something it doesn't say?
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I wrote:

"Of course there are people on this forum that will tell you that some particular configurations will not, or should not work."

That is my interpretation of:

"Why triads rarely work and why lots of experienced polys think they are a bad, bad idea in general."

You clearly interpret it differently. That's okay, but not a reason to be rude. I have no intention, or desire, to engage in a pissing match about such a trivial point.

End of discussion from my side. I wish you well.
 
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