New~ please help explain my feelings...

A

Al27

New member
Hi there~
Please help... I'm not sure if this is the right place to be, but it's the closest thing I can think of. I am confused and need help sorting through..
Last weekend I had a threesome with my wonderful husband and my lifelong best friend. It was not the raunchy, lusty sort you hear about... It was also not planned. It was gentle and wonderful ~ and felt so right at the time. My husband has been working through some stress issues and has had trouble with his libido, so the whole thing started very innocently with me and my BFF just teasing him. Btw, there was no interaction during the threesome with me or my friend, we were focused on my husband and it was great.
The strange thing, is that I never felt a moment of jealousy~ these are two people that I love and trust more than anything in the world and it was wonderful to see them making each other so happy, I felt true happiness in their joy. I made sure that my husband cuddled with her and made her feel safe and loved.
In the days following my husband and I talked extensively about our feelings, and yes he does love her, he says as a friend, and cares about her deeply because she is nearly an extension of me in a way. He says what happened was very special on a deep level. I feel the same. But at the same time I am having such mixed feelings because I don't want to become obsolete, or lose my husband's desire. This may never ever happen again~ but one thing is for SURE~ it was not a porno, drunken affair. Everyone involved has very strong, loving feelings to one another (in different ways) but everything I read about threesomes says it is the death of a marriage and affairs, lies and divorce always follow. I'm scared. And I am also, sorry to admit, insecure... The way I feel about my friend is completely hetero (nothing sexual) and my husband is the rock in my life, and it made me so happy to see them together sharing~ that's way more poly than lusty threesome right??? But I'm also fighting the insecurity~ she is so much more beautiful than I am and has so much more confidence and experience (no jealousy though~ honestly) I want my husband to love her (which he does) but it scares me that he may fall in love with her and I will lose him.
 
Was

PS: please, I really need to sort through this because we both love her in different ways ~ I know there are deep feelings here and I am confused. Thank you so much for your advice in advance~~~
 
Your feelings seem pretty straightforward to me, and you explained them well. I don't think it's that you need your feelings explained, you seem to understand them perfectly -- you love your husband romantically (sexually/as a partner/etc). You love your friend platonically and feel enough trust and affection for her that you can have a very satisfying threesome with her and your husband and feel emotionally connected. However, the messages you've gotten from society about what non-monogamy will do to a relationship plus your insecurities are leaving you afraid to move forward with this potential new set of relationships. All very understandable.

The real question, it seems to me, is where to go from here. What do you want, what does your husband want, what does your friend want? One fairly obvious possibility would be for the two of them to explore a relationship.

If that might be a path you all want to go down, you need to ask yourself -- can you let that new relationship form without feeling like you have to be in the middle of it, involved in all the sex, involved in all the conversations, maintaining control? Because that will be the surest way to kill its chances. Can you work on your insecurities and trust that he's with you because he wants to be and that a different body type or different emotional type is not a threat? Are you independent enough to be happy and productive if he's spending time with her from time to time and you're alone? Would you be interested in possibly dating someone else yourself?

He needs to ask himself -- does he truly feel that his feelings for another person won't diminish his feelings for you? From my observations it seems that most people are perfectly capable of loving more than one person deeply but the occasional person actually isn't and is just naturally monogamous... does he have a sense of which he is? If/when he falls in love with her (because it may well happen, and by no means has to be a bad thing, but will be a big, possibly scary thing), is he level-headed enough to handle the strong emotions of a brand new involvement (often called new relationship energy or NRE) without forgetting about his wife or his other obligations? Is he willing and able to overcome the societal message that extramarital relations are something you have to keep a secret, and instead be perfectly honest about his actions and feelings, at least with you? If you decide that you want to date someone else too, is he un-jealous enough to let that happen?

She needs to ask herself -- is she emotionally resilient enough to become entangled with a man who won't always be able to make her his first priority? Would she be satisfied being a "secondary" partner (someone whose needs are significant and whose relationship is serious, but who plays a less-involved role in their partner's life, takes less responsibility, is present less often, isn't likely gonna be the automatic +1 to special events, etc.), which is the more likely scenario, or would she need to eventually be "co-primary" (essentially a second wife) in order to be happy, which is not impossible but which will take longer to work out and will obviously involve a lot more talking and more adjustment in the lives of all involved (it's premature to be going down that road, but I think it's worth thinking about in terms of the future)? Is she strong enough to overcome the feelings of insecurity that come with being the "other woman", with being "second"? Is she brave enough to tell other potential partners, if she wants to continue to date and maybe seek someone else to be her "primary" partner, about her involvement with your husband?

All of you need to ask yourselves -- are you willing to face society's judgement or would you need to keep this new relationship a secret? If the latter, be aware that that may work at first but often becomes untenable or too painful over time.

Lots to think about, if you all decide to make this more than a one time thing. Am I making this sound complicated? It is and it isn't. In practice it can end up being exceedingly simple if everyone is on the same page and is communicating well. Or it can be a huge mess if you don't take the time to think things through first, and then continue to communicate and update each other as things evolve. Thus my emphasis on these questions... not because they will ensure that you have everything perfectly worked out and nothing will surprise you or change, but because hopefully they'll give you a nudge in the right direction towards thinking things through in new ways and working them out together in an ongoing way.

Great writings pertinent to all three of you at www.morethantwo.com.

Best of luck, whatever you choose!
 
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Dear Annabel, thank you so much for your lovely and detailed reply. Like you said, I know this could get very complicated BUT I really love that you said it could be wonderfully simple.. That is how everything felt until a few days later when my mind started spinning around, reading literally everywhere about how anything except strict monogomy is a death sentence to marriage yada-yada-yada. You gave me a lot to think about :) *thanks*
 
I can tell you from experience and observation that opening a marriage is not a death sentence to that marriage. Non-monogamy works for a lot of people. Yes people do still split up, but the cause generally isn't the non-monogamy but rather something else that isn't working in the relationship. The thing with poly is that you end up talking a lot, so if things aren't working it becomes apparent more quickly.
 
One thing is for sure~ it immediately makes me feel like we're dating again... Putting lots of thought into tiny details, like in the beginning... Putting on perfume before he gets home, etc... :) that can't be a bad thing for ANY relationship!
 
my experience

I must agree it sounds as if you have a total grasp on your feeling and emotions, but you are not sure what direction your guys should go. Going back to remembering the little things for both him and her is an amazing thing for anyone, I know personally I love when my gf does those things for me and so does my hubby. As far as opening up your relationship why not give it a try. Obviously you all have something beautiful and amazing (especially if there are no jealousies there). To me it sounds like you all already had the dynamic of a poly relationship but have just now grown into the sexual aspect. As for your insecurities, I can't speak from anything but experience but I am still insecure and the only think that helps me is to talk to my partners and have them reassure me they love me for me. You say your bff is sexier prettier etc... But I am sure both your bff and husband can list off ten things they think you are better at, remember we are our own worst critic. Poly isn't for everyone, but it works very well for those willing to communicate and be honnest. My suggestions would be to talk with both of them as I'm sure they have fears too, set clear boundries of what your all are comfortable with (maybe even a relationship contract between each pair even if there are no sexual intamicy there it still sets out guidlines and boundries, you can always change this later as you become more comfortable with this) make sure you set time out for you and him you and her her and him and then all 3 of you. Honnesty communication and love are the heart of poly. Someone said earlier poly can get very messy or can be very simple its all how clearly you voice your needs and are open to others. Remember your head will always come up with the worst senerios that arnt likely to happen, when my head does this (and believe me it does all the time) I calmly remind myself that my partners love me for me and I for them and that anything else that arises we will handel. As your bff and your hubby do you really believe they could move to a romantic relationship with out you? Your the glue who brought it all together and held it together, keep that in mind when your heads playn tricks on you. Also feel free to ask anyone on here for advice and help as most people enjoy sharing and helping likeminded persons.
I hope this has helped :) good luck with it all :);):);)
 
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