Am I wrong?

[Magdlyn]

Okay, so here is the situation. My husband and I have been with our gf for three months. I'm still not 100% sure I am comfortable with them having sex without me, however, I said it was okay. So then he wants to go on a overnight trip with her. I said I want to go on a overnight trip with her before he does...

So you and your gf went on your overnight trip.

... he was supposed to go on a trip by himself on his bike. He was gonna go visit some family, but it was gonna be a nice long motorcycle ride for him. Well, we ended up selling the motorcycle for personal reasons. So last night he was talking to me about still taking that trip. but with just her. I said no. Why can't me and the kids go too? He asked, "You feel left out?" DAMN RIGHT I feel left out. It's the middle of the summer, there is no reason why me and the kids can't go too.

Is he taking his gf to meet his family? Or your family? Or does he just want to go to that area and not take her to meet the family? (I don't know if you're out as poly to this part of the family.)

And now somehow this weekend trip has turned into five days? That is a hella long trip for your husband to take with the (still new) gf. I can see why you'd be envious/jealous, especially since you'll be home alone with your (and his) kids. When is the last time you and your husband had a five-day trip without the kids?

Can you negotiate it back down to three days? That's already generous with Daddy's time, imo. Also, while they are gone, you could arrange a babysitter so you can get some me-time, or time out with some friends. Otherwise you might feel taken advantage of.

So am I wrong to say that I don't want them to go on a weekend trip alone? I just feel like, why can't we all go? Why do I have to be left out and left stuck at home with the kids?

Yeah, I kind of agree with you here! Not that you need to go with them, but that 3-5 days is a long time to leave you home alone with the kids, as you're still getting used to being in a triad.

 

[Inyourendo]

What would happen if your girlfriend decided she didn't want to be your gf, only your husband's?

 

[Dagferi]

I would have a huge problem with my husband taking a week-long vacation with a new girlfriend, especially going to an area in which you have family.

She seems to get a lot of solo time with your husband while your time with him is consumed with family time, that is, with the kids.

I have a feeling the gf isn't as into you as she is into him, and only spends time with you to appease you so she can he can continue on, because if she were into you, she would consider your feelings and decline the trip with your husband.

For example, my husband has been going through a rough time, and his relationships with his play partners are kind of over. He is in a place of hurt. My bf Murf was over last week and Butch was jealous of Murf sleeping in bed with me while he was sleeping in the spare bedroom. Guess what? I respect his feelings. So Murf and I will be spending tomorrow night together at Murf's house instead of here tonight. It sucks giving up some quality time with my boyfriend, but Butch means just as much to me.

 

[BoringGuy]

I have a feeling the gf isn't as into you as she is into him and only spends time with you to appease you so she can he can continue on. Because if she was into you she would have considered your feelings and would decline the trip with your husband.

This has been glaringly obvious from the OP's very first post.

Think about it. When a person ("you") is really into another person ("they/them"), do you have to be "talked into" spending time with them? Put yourself in her position:

Your gf (A) met this guy (your husband, B). They hit it off. It's kind of neat that B is poly and has a wife, C, who is bi. She's pretty cool. But A has the hots for B.

C is pretty cool, and A can see herself hanging out, all three, for sexy-times and not-so-sexy-times. But A really has the hots for B.

C is attracted to A. She wants to be girlfriends. That's a plus. But A really has the hots for B.

Triad? What does "triad" mean? Oh, that's where we're all in a relationship together? Welll... okay. A thinks, "Let's try this triad' thing. I guess I can deal with having C around sometimes if it means I can still be with B. I guess that's "fair," since she was here first. But I really have the hots for B. I don't want to step on C's toes, don't want to push B away by rejecting his wife, so maybe if I hang out with her, just the two of us, she'll 'let' me be with B alone more, because I am really hot for B. Someday, maybe C and I will be 'equal' in his life, then I'll be able to tell C all this, once she knows I'm not trying to steal B. I really don't want to upset her or reject her, because I might lose him."

Yes, I made that up. But don't you think that things like that go through people's minds when they find themselves involved in something like this? It's the way most, or many, people think. It's all very fundamental.

Now I am prepared to be lectured by someone, anyone, for making judgments and assumptions. It's okay. I'm strong. I can handle it.

 

[Dagferi]

My gut says what BoringGuy said is what is going on in the gf's mind and heart.

 

[AZtriad]

It is his family they are going to see. But I am close with his family, especially his cousin, which is the one they are staying with.

I kinda have the same feeling, that she is just with me to appease us so that she can be with him.

We just had a bit of a blow up. She has a doctor's appointment and he is going with her. I went to the gym to work out. I was told they have to leave no later than 11:30, but to be back around 11:15.

I was with a trainer and lost track of time. They were blowing my phone up at 11:00 saying, "Hurry up, we gotta go, we need to leave now." I got home at 11:23. Okay, l was late, but there was no need for them to be freaking out at 11:00.

She is so pissed at me, it's crazy. She texted me and said she will seriously not talk to me for a long time if I don't get there. Like, really? It doesn't take 45 mins to get to her appointment. Her appointment is at 1200.

I said, "Do I get a kiss goodbye?"

She said, "No, I'm pissed at you."

I said, "Well, isn't that a big fuck you?"

Whatever. I know I was a little late, and I take responsibility for that. But to be freaking out like that is ridiculous. I made sure I was home before 11:30. BTW, they got there before 12:00. So again, it just goes to show that it wasn't that big of a deal.

I texted him and told him, "I seriously am about done. I don't feel like she's that into me."

She just does things to appease me. I want a woman who texts me, talks to me, wants me, acts like she wants me.

I don't know what's going to happen now. If I decide to end it, I don't know what's going to happen between him and her. I know that me and him will be fine. I honestly have trust in him.

I've thought about-- what if we open the triad and allow me to have a gf? Maybe if I have someone, then I will be happy. They will have their relationship and I'll have mine. But I don't know how that will work. It makes me nervous.

Right now I'm just so pissed I don't know if I'm thinking straight.

Does anyone do that? How does it work? What does everyone think?

 

[IndieSolo]

I am sorry it hasn't worked out. This is a very, very, very common problem when a couple wants a single woman date both of them. If you do a search for "triads" you will find many stories just like yours, where the wife is wondering why the gf doesn't seem into her, and in the end you find out the gf just went along with it to be with the husband.

She might not even be bisexual.

I've read your story a hundred times here. Maybe you two should have done some more reading and preparation before trying poly with this chick.

But anyway, now, perhaps you will both consider dating separately. It's just so much easier. Date on your own, and hopefully you will meet someone who's into you for you, not just as a way into having your husband.

 

[Dagferi]

I agree with NYCindie. Triads seem to be the least successful relationship configuration.

I too would suggest dating separately. Find someone for yourself.

 

[Magdlyn]

It is his family they are going to see. But I am close with his family, especially his cousin, which is the one they are staying with.

Well, again, if you don't feel comfortable with your husband taking his new gf on a 5-day trip yet, to visit your favorite cousin, no less, just speak up and say so. No sarcasm, no name calling, just that fact.

I have the feeling that she is just with me to appease us so that she can be with him.

I told him I'm seriously about done. I don't feel like she's into me. She just does things to appease me. I want a woman who texts me, talks to me, wants me, acts like she wants me.

I don't know what's going to happen now. if I decided to end it, I don't know what's going to happen between him and her. I know that me and him will be fine. I honestly have trust in him. I've thought about-- what if we open the triad and allow me to have a gf? Maybe if I have someone, then I will be happy. They have their relationship and I will have mine. But I don't know how that will work. it makes me nervous. Does anyone do that? How does it work?

Of course people do that. Read around the boards. Most people here date separately! Healthy triads are extremely rare.

How does dating separately work? Respect, communication, time management, and controlling that devil new relationship energy, so the new shiny person doesn't take all the attention.

Go ahead and end the falling-apart triad. Open your relationship with your husband. Get yourself a gf, if that is your heart's desire.

 

[Emm]

Triads seem to be the least successful relationship configuration.

I'd amend that to forced triads seem to be the least successful relationship configuration; where "forced" means that the shape of the relationship has been determined before the relationship exists or the actual people involved are even known and that nothing but perfect adherence to the pre-determined form is acceptable. Serendipitous triads—where a triad organically grows out of a friendship or the one-on-one dating situation of one member of an existing couple—may be much rarer but seem to be very successful when they do happen.