Well it's over

[jetta9502]

WOW!!!! That is truly my first reaction.

First and foremost I want to say, yes, my other posts are from AZtriad. I am not hiding anything. I honestly have no idea what happened. I forgot my password, asked to send it, and it said my username was jetta9502. I thought it was a little weird but blew it off. I did not do this on purpose whatsoever. I am not hiding anything.

I am very sad at what people say in this forum. I come here extremely upset and sad, and all I get is BS about how triads don't work, and I'm a unicorn hunter. I do not come in here and post to hear nothing but negative. I listen to everything that people say and take everything to heart. and I actually have used a lot of the things that people have told me to try.

As far as "us," let me clear this up. We went in to this relationship as a closed triad. By "we" I mean me, my husband and our girlfriend. This wasn't an "Okay, I'm going to be with him, and it's a V." This was an "Okay, I'm with you and with him." So me feeling "left out" is a completely normal thing. I know it is because I have read it on other people's posts.

In no way do I see my girlfriend as a toy. She is a human being and I love her very much. I would do anything for her. There was just a lot of communication issues. I do not go through my husband to communicate with her. I try to talk to her, only to get dodged on the talking or the questions. So I have tried. We, she and I, had a long talk last night, where I laid it all out on the table and told her: "Look, I need you to talk to me and communicate with me, not go through him to tell me things." And she agreed.

Am I wrong to feel like I'm not getting some attention like he does? No, I honestly don't think so. To see him get to go out on dates and have overnights with her is fine. I love that they get to go out and have time alone. It honestly doesn't bug me that they do. It's what they need. But at the same time, I need it too. So it's not a matter of being upset that they do those things. It's a matter of I don't get those things, and I need my time just as much as he does. That is something that we talked about last night also.

Wow, I just realized this is a really long post, but these are things I needed to say and get out. I am very disappointed at some of the things people have said. I am not a bad or mean person. I am not selfish at all! I am actually the very opposite of that. I will take something away for myself so that someone else can have it. I am the one of the least selfish people. I am a very nice, and very sensitive person. I came on here very hurt and sad. I wish people would see that.

 

[Emm]

As far as "us," let me clear this up. We went in to this relationship as a closed triad. By "we" I mean me, my husband and our girlfriend. This wasn't, "I'm going to be with him and it's a V." It was, "I'm with you and with him."

Who suggested this arrangement?

I am a very nice, and very sensitive person. I came on here very hurt and sad. I wish people would see that.

Telling everyone how nice and sensitive and hurt you are won't stop people from labelling you a unicorn hunter if you act like a a unicorn hunter, nor should it. If you've expressed yourself poorly, you should try to do it better next time so that you're understood, not get upset that everyone has failed to read your mind, rather than your words.

 

[Dagferi]

OP, with what you just posted, the answer seems to be she is not into you. Sorry. No amount of wishing otherwise will change that fact.

So now either your husband keeps dating her, and things continue as a V, or the relationship ends on all sides. If it is going to continue, set a fair schedule, making sure you get adult time with your husband, sans the kids. Also go ahead and schedule time for you and a new partner in, to be fair. I have a feeling from the gf's and husband's behavior in the past that it will be hard to get them to bend. It will be easier to negotiate a switch of days than time.

Start looking for a woman for you. Do not introduce her to your husband and family until your relationship is well-founded.

 

[kkxvlv]

I am very sad at what people say in this forum. I come her extremely upset and sad, and all I get is BS about how triads don't work, and I'm a unicorn hunter. I do not come in here and post to hear nothing but negative.

What do you come here to hear people say? I see the problem is your post didn't go as you planned, and the board didn't meet your expectations.

As far as "us," let me clear this up. We went in to this relationship as a closed triad. By "we," I mean me, my husband and our girlfriend...

This is the part I don't understand. I'm sure it makes sense to you, and that's why you are having trouble with the reaction. Even if all 3 of you went into the situation with the plan that it would be a closed triad, that doesn't mean it's going to work out that way. If you meet two people at once, you can't possibly know that your feelings towards them will develop equally. You might want that, but you can't know going in. If everything not going perfectly according to your plan is a dealbreaker for you, break it off. But you should know you're going to run into that problem over and over again-- not the problem of triads not working, the problem of things not going according to plan.

I don't get those things and I need my time just as much as he does.

But it's also a matter of-- does she need that? Maybe she doesn't, and that's why she isn't making it happen.

 

[Natja]

I need it too. It's not a matter of being upset that they do those things... I don't get those things. I need my time just as much as he does. That is something we talked about last night.

What I don't get is why you keep trying to cling to this triad. You are not getting 'what you need' because she doesn't want to give it! It's that simple.

She is just not that into you. When are you going to accept it and stop torturing her with your attentions? She is only putting up with it because she wants your husband. She likes you, but does not want you!

 

[Dagferi]

What I don't get is why you keep trying to cling to this triad. You are not getting 'what you need' because she doesn't want to give it.

She is just not that into you. When are you going to accept it and stop torturing her with your attentions? She is only putting up with it because she wants your husband. She likes you, but does not want you!

This, except I would say: she may not even like you as a friend anymore. She seems to want nothing to do with you.

 

[Natja]

She may not even like you as a friend anymore. She seems to want nothing to do with you.

It's sad. It's just so desperate. I swear this is the second or maybe third time she has broken up with them, the reason being the pressure she is getting from the OP to spend equal time with her. How much more clear does this woman need to be before the OP gets it?

 

[jetta9502]

The reason we broke up is because she has a lot of emotional things going on. Instead of communication with us that this is what's going on, she shut down and ultimately broke things off. There was some stuff going on the past couple days, and instead of telling us, "Hey, I need some space," she wouldn't talk to us. That's not ok to me.

Let me make this clear. She did not break things off because I was pressuring her. There was other things going on. She needed some time to herself, not just from me, but from both of us, and she didn't tell us that.

I'm torturing her? I don't think I am. She is not the kind of person that would let that happen. She is not someone that lets people walk on her and treat her bad. She is a very strong woman. So if I was "torturing her," she wouldn't let that happen.

 

[Marcus]

Let me make this clear. She did not break things off because I was pressuring her.

Instead of telling us, "Hey, I need some space," she wouldn't talk to us. That's not ok to me.

While it might not be the optimal way for you to deal with your feelings, you do recognize that she is a distinct entity from yourself, right? She gets to deal with her feelings however she wants, including clamming up and not talking to you.

 

[Emm]

So if I was "torturing her," she wouldn't let that happen.

By, perhaps, asking for some time to herself, because she had a lot of emotional things going on?

 

[Dagferi]

The reason we broke up is because she has a lot of emotional things going on. Instead of communication with us, that this is what's going on, she shut down and ultimately broke things off. There was some stuff going on the past couple days and instead of telling us, "I need some space," she wouldn't talk to us. That's not ok to me.

She did not break things off because I was pressuring her. There were other things going on. She needed some time to herself, not just from me, but from both of us, and she didn't tell us that.

I'm torturing her? I don't think I am. She is not the kind of person that would let that happen. She is not someone that lets people walk on her and treat her bad. She is a very strong woman. So if I was "torturing her," she wouldn't let that happen.

To a person like me, forcing me to mold my emotional and communication style to your whim would equal torture.

How do you know you're not the problem, since she won't talk to you? Maybe she is trying to spare your feelings, especially since you have said that you are very sensitive.

She took her stand and decided she needed SPACE from you two. What don't you get?

 

[Vixtoria]

It honestly does not matter at this point. You said you were indeed AZTriad. I have gone over and reread threads, and it's the same thing over and over. People mention that it doesn't seem she's as into you as him, and maybe it can be a V, and over and over you insist it be a triad. Over and over, it's not your fault there are problems, it's hers! She does not communicate the way or in the time period you want or need. She is not taking your needs into consideration! How dare she not see that you have the right to get as much time with her as you want? That you have the right to say you don't want her having sex with her boyfriend if you aren't comfortable yet? That you have the right to say no sex with him until she has more sex with you?

You get the same comments over and over and you complain over and over. So why keep asking? You don't see it as a problem for you to demand your rights or your needs, and you assure everyone that you are a nice person and not at all selfish! That this is a case of the third party being in the wrong, and how horribly unfair it is to you and your husband and your family. YOU YOU YOU. Yet you see her as a real person! Honest! Just one that isn't falling into line with the way you want or expect things to go. Bottom line, your expectations, which you are not going to let go of because you are in the right and just want someone to tell you that. So there you go.

Oooooh, you poor thing! It's as if the universe is conspiring against you to send these women that do not understand how fabulous you are, and who love you as much as you love them! Why can they not just do what you want? Maybe if you let them watch that movie Labyrinth they will finally get it! "Love me, fear me. Do as I say and I will be yours."

 

[BoringGuy]

tl;dr: "I love you just the way you are. Now hurry up and change for me, already!"

 

[jetta9502]

I never asked for someone to change. I simply ask for open and honest communication.

And yes, I asked to spend time with her. Isn't that what couples do? Spend time together?

I do not come in here for pity, or for "Oh, poor me." I posted in here for advice. I did get some advice, and I thought about it, and also used some of the suggestions. What I did not come in here for is to hear how I'm selfish, torturing people, and just a bad person. I am not any of those.

Maybe people need to remember the old saying: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!!!"

 

[Chimera]

I am not selfish at all! I am actually very opposite of that. I will take something away for myself so that someone else can have it. I am the one of the least selfish people. I am a very nice, and very sensitive person. I came on here very hurt and sad. I wish people would see that.

The opposite of selfish is not taking something away from yourself. Martyring yourself is actually selfish, because it is still all about you, and not about each person stating their needs and desires and then looking for ways to negotiate and compromise, if that can happen. I hear that kind of guilt-tripping in your writing.

Maybe people need to remember the old saying: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!!!"

That old saying is not a worthwhile thing to remember. Everything is contextual, and in this context you came for advice, and it's not the first time. You can't ask for advice and then get upset when people don't tell you what you already want to hear.

Well, you can do that, but good luck.

You do come across as selfish, and as someone who can't move past hurt to look at the reality of your situation. You started a relationship as a triad. It didn't work out because your co-girlfriend does not have the same kinds of feelings for both of you. It happens. That's life. All relationships change. They're a process, a living thing.

How does your husband feel? Is your relationship with him still healthy? Are you both hell-bent on only having triads (with all their related baggage)? Or can he have one with this woman and you pursue others of your own? Perhaps if you do face the reality that she does not want to be involved with you, or communicate with you right now, you can actually salvage a friendship with her. I would be very suspicious of you though, if the friendship is the lowest on the pile and only the personal gf time is important.

I think you have a lot of your own emotional issues that you need to spend some time working on. Change yourself first. People don't often love people who come off as only wanting to get their way.

 

[YouAreHere]

Maybe she doesn't feel she can communicate honestly without losing both relationships.
Assume she feels more strongly for your husband than for you.
Assume she knows full well that this is a triad.

It sounds like maybe she's concerned about losing the relationship she has with your husband (losing the whole triad) if she communicates honestly with you. I'm speculating, of course. But what would happen if she did come to you and tell you, "I love him, but not you"?

 

[Dagferi]

You just don't get that she has been sending you the message that she doesn't want to be in a couple with you.

I am sorry your feelings got hurt. No one likes to be hurt. If you don't want to hear people's opinions, the good, the bad, the ugly, then don't post your dirty laundry on a message board. You are going to get honest opinions here. They won't always be what you want to hear. Sometimes the truth hurts.

If you keep hearing the same feedback over and over again from different people, then the problem is probably you.

 

[Vinccenzo]

Why is it when a woman says 'I actually don't fancy the wife' they are 'not really bisexual'? How dare anyone tell someone else what their sexuality is?
Bisexuality is expressed in many different ways, and sometimes there just isn't enough chemistry with that one person. It doesn't mean they are not 'bi enough' compared to the woman who wants her, who must therefore be 'more bi.'

A relationship between two or more people requires communication. You don't call talking to one person in a couple you tell you want to try a triad with and begin a physical relationship with having a relationship.

Or are you suggesting that bi relationships are not real relationships, and therefore the newer partner doesn't have to communicate with one half of the couple they willingly said they wanted? It's ridiculous to tell the OP to try to talk to the girl when the girl won't oblige. At the most, it indicates lying and disrespect more than it indicates a measure of sexuality. What would you say to someone having an intimate relationship (if that is even going on) with a partner who just won't talk about their problems? Stop acting privileged?

I don't follow people on here and hold their posting history against them in every following post.

 

[Natja]

A relationship between any two or more people requires communication.

All relationships require communication. I doubt you'll find many disagreements on here.

You don't call talking to one person in a couple you tell you want to try a triad with and begin a physical relationship with having a relationship.

I don't understand this.

Or are you suggesting that bi relationships are not real relationships, and therefore the newer partner doesn't have to communicate with one half of the couple they willingly said they wanted?

No, I am saying that if a person refuses to communicate, that states a lack of intimacy. This lack of intimacy is proof that this is not a full romantic relationship.

BTW, there is no such thing as a 'bi relationship.' There are bisexuals in a relationship, but the relationship itself is either a same sex one or a different sex (gender) one. Or maybe one between two people who don't identify with gender polarities at all.

These relationships are separate entities, and quite clearly one person is in the 'friend zone.'

It's ridiculous to tell the OP to try to talk to the girl when the girl won't oblige

I agree, which is why I never told her to talk to her. I told her to forget this daft idea that this is some sort of salvageable relationship. It isn't.

At the most it indicates lying and disrespect more than it indicates a measure of sexuality.

I don't see a great deal of either, but it is possible. But it is also possible that this gf fears for her relationship with the bf if she ends it with the OP. And it is a valid fear. Many single women have lost both partners when ending it with one member of a couple. Her fear could be warranted, given the tone of the OP, and the fact the OP has stated she does not want her own girlfriend, she wants this girlfriend.

What would you say to someone having an intimate relationship (if that is even going on) with a partner who just won't talk about their problems? Stop acting privileged?

I would say that it sounds like this person isn't all that close to you, so back off a bit and give them space. What is the issue here?

I don't follow people on here and hold their posting history against them in every following post.

Please note she brought up her posting history, and I did not even contribute to the thread until after she did that, to point out that I indeed knew who she was, because there was some confusion. Someone's posting history is a good indicator of where she is coming from, especially given all the complaints she makes on here about the girlfriend and about how she has been received. It's totally relevant.

 

[Vinccenzo]

I don't understand this.

I can see that.

We've all read it. Many draw the conclusion that the girl clamming up means she isn't into the OP. She entered into a relationship with a couple, was intimate with them, but now is not interested in the OP.

At the very least, should the girl not be expected to sack up and show the OP the consideration of sitting down and saying, "Hey, I'm not feeling you. I just want to fuck your husband"?

And if she can't, I believe it shows an extreme lack of integrity. Not doing so is letting it all limp along into lying. So effing what if she is scared? Is she not an adult?

But lets crap all over the OP some more, why don't we?