Feeling conflicted/lonely

[Hetaera]

My BF has been away visiting with his wife's family. There's been very limited communication (including a missed visit or two) all combined with a touch of drama. First of all, the limited communication (mostly unavoidable) feels like a painful reminder that I am in a distant second in his life. Not that it's his choice per se, but it's the reality of the situation.

Also important, I'm utterly and completely exhausted from dealing with a teething toddler the past few nights. I'm a single mom. Everything seems 100x worse when I'm sleep-deprived.

I hate feeling like this and wish I could talk myself out of it.

This past week, his wife expressed that she was upset because he wasn't talking about me, and that raised her suspicions that something was wrong, like that he likes me more than her. (He totally loves her.) She has expressed that she's ok with him continuing to see me. I have met her, and we've talked very candidly.

I've barely talked to him this week and am feeling awful and disconnected because of it. He won't even send a quick text in response to mine. WTF? I know he's busy almost every second, but really?

A little background... our relationship is relatively new, plus he lives 1.5 hrs away and has a very busy life (family, business, farm, etc.). I have a busy life as well, and have other people in the my life, although not nearly as many/often as I want. I'm starting a friendship/relationship with a new person (female). An old love (male) is coming back into my life.

I know that this isn't all about not hearing from my BF, but it's a big part of it.

I'm not interested in hearing from those "tough love" folks, who are honest and experienced but seem to lack compassion. I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion and empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else, please!

 

[YouAreHere]

Sleep deprivation may be your biggest enemy here, as I get completely crazy-face when I'm sleep deprived. Every issue is magnified a thousandfold.

Nap during the day when your toddler does (if your toddler does). When your toddler is playing, lie on the floor or couch next to them and grab a wink. I remember having to do that in order to just be human. Re-evaluate once you feel like you're not going to randomly chuck things across the room because you've been set off.

It sucks hard, but the good thing about sleep deprivation is that, once you do sleep, it's fixed. Hang in there!

 

[Chimera]

I'm not interested in hearing from those "tough love" folks who are honest and experienced, but seem to lack compassion. I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion and empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else, please!

I'm not one of those "tough love folks" (whatever that means), but I think this is a bizarre statement. I've seen similar things on a few other threads lately, as well. Honestly, you are coming to a public internet forum to share your personal relationship experiences. Do you really think you can (or should) police who reads what you write and wants to respond? Also, honesty and compassion are concepts people may define differently. Some people may think their honesty is compassionate, while you don't find it to be.

Just treat those responses like a spam e-mail message. Mentally delete and move on.

 

[Hetaera]

I'm not one of those "tough love folks" (whatever that means), but I think this is a bizarre statement. I've seen similar things on a few other threads lately, as well. Honestly, you are coming to a public internet forum to share your personal relationship experiences. Do you really think you can (or should) police who reads what you write and wants to respond? Also, honesty and compassion are concepts people may define differently. Some people may think their honesty is compassionate while you don't find it to be.

Just treat those responses like a spam e-mail message. Mentally delete and move on.

Chimera, I understand your point. But when someone is in a tough spot, and someone else needlessly chimes in with their own baggage, starts name-calling, and interjects other negativity, it's unproductive.

One could say that this public forum is for helping others in a safe environment, where we will not be judged or criticized, right?

What if some troller gets on here and starts telling us we're a bunchy of immoral sickos? Yeah, that's against the rules. But where do you draw the line?

In regards to the people who criticize, I'm not even referring to myself. I see it in other posts I don't like. I have every right to say something about it. Perhaps if others comment on it too, it's a genuine problem and needs to be commented on more.

 

[Hetaera]

Yes, thank you! It will all be ok. Just need to sleep. My boys will be going away for 4 nights & I will sleep sleep sleep

Sleep deprivation may be your biggest enemy here, as I get completely crazy-face when I'm sleep deprived. Every issue is magnified a thousandfold.

Nap during the day when your toddler does (if your toddler does). When your toddler is playing, lay on the floor or couch next to them and grab a wink. I remember having to do that in order to just be human. Re-evaluate once you feel like you're not going to randomly chuck things across the room because you've been set off.

It sucks hard, but the good thing about sleep deprivation is that, once you DO sleep, it's fixed. Hang in there!

 

[Chimera]

Chimera, I understand your point. But when someone is in a tough spot, and someone else needlessly chimes in with their own baggage, starts name-calling, and interjects other negativity, it's unproductive. One could say that this public forum is for helping others in a safe environment, where we will not be judged or criticized, right? What if some troller gets on here and starts telling us we're a bunchy of immoral sickos? Yeah, that's against the rules. But where do you draw the line? In regards to the people who criticize, I'm not even referring to myself. I see it in other posts I don't like. I have every right to say something about it. Perhaps if others comment on it too, it's a genuine problem and needs to be commented on more.

Hetaera, I think my comment is also something to reflect on in terms of your situation. There are things in life we can control and others we can't. So in terms of the forum, abusive trolls get banned by moderators. Other people we simply cannot control and need to work around. I usually hate cheesy New-Age metaphors, but I think the one about water moving around immobile rocks is key sometimes. The trick is to decide when to be like water, and when to confront. I think you posting a positive comment to someone's query while pointing out others' negativity is fine. Just don't expect to change the way others communicate. It's not in your control.

In terms of your BF, you can't make him answer. I've been there. I expect most of us have. Try to be like water until you are with him, and can explain how you feel, and try to come to some workable place for both of you, e.g., I'd like you to text me back 1x/day, or whatever.

You can't know what life is like for him at this moment and all it's doing is making you sad. This will happen again. It's hard not to hang on for those moments of communication, because they make us feel valued, but it can mean we feel worse if we don't get them.

 

[Magdlyn]

My BF has been away visiting with his wife's family. There's been very limited communication (including a missed visit or two) all combined with a touch of drama. The limited communication (mostly unavoidable) feels like a painful reminder that I am in a distant second in his life, not that it's his choice per se, but it's the reality of the situation.

Or, he might just be extremely busy. Maybe even so busy, he hasn't had time to charge his phone.

My gf goes away for weeks every year to work at a camp for kids with a disability, and she gets just that busy. It's no reflection on our relationship; it's just that her job is basically 24/7, and I respect that.

But I am sorry you're missing him.

I'm utterly and completely exhausted from dealing with a teething toddler the past few nights. I'm a single mom. Everything seem 100x worse when I'm sleep-deprived. I hate feeling like this and wish I could talk myself out of it.

As a mom of three, all of whom teethed terribly, especially my middle one, you have my full sympathy! It's just fucking inhuman, to deal with that. I hope you can grab a nap somehow. Or just lie down with your feet up for 20 minutes, if nothing else.

Then this past week, his wife expressed that she was upset because he wasn't talking about me. That raised her suspicions that something was wrong, like that he likes me more than her.

Because he was not talking about you, she got jealous? Um, what? Wifey does have the green-eyed monster bad. How does bf deal with this?

I have a busy life as well. I have other people in my life... I'm starting a friendship/relationship with a new person... an old love is coming back into my life. I know that this isn't all about not hearing from him, but it's a big part of it.

Well, good luck with your lover/bf, plus two potentials, all while dealing with mothering two very young kids! You have a lot on your plate.

I'm not interested in hearing from those "tough love" folks who are honest and experienced, but seem to lack compassion. I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion and empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else, please!

... when someone is in a tough spot and someone else needlessly chimes in with their own baggage, starts name-calling, and interjects other negativity, it's unproductive. One could say that this public forum is for helping others in a safe environment, where we will not be judged or criticized, right?

No, actually people are judged and criticized all the time here! If you want less feedback, and just want to vent, you can start a blog in the blogging/journal section here.

What if some troller gets on here and starts telling us we're a bunch of immoral sickos? Yeah, against the rules. But where do you draw the line? In regards to the people who criticize, I'm not even referring to myself. I see it in other posts I don't like. I have every right to say something about it. Perhaps if others comment on it too, it's a genuine problem and needs to be commented on more.

Name-calling, aka ad-hominem attacks, are not allowed here. If you actually see name-calling ("You're a jerk," for example), report it using the little (!) exclamation point in the corner of the message box.

If someone has a difference of opinion from you, and doesn't sugarcoat it much, and it's their regular habit, and you can't take it, put that poster on ignore.

Trolls can and will have their accounts deleted.

 

[Hetaera]

Magdlyn, she got upset because he was not talking about me to her like he talks about his other friends. I guess she thought he was trying to hide something. Plus she found out we were texting a lot. He was afraid of talking about me too much and went overboard. Lesson learned.

I texted him and told him I was tired, and the lack of communication was upsetting me. So he immediately called me while they were in the car together. I won't get to see him until Friday or Saturday, but I can wait.

The tiredness is a killer.

I appreciate all the feedback.

Do Senior Members calling people hypocrites count as name calling, when a poster is just expressing their honest feelings?

 

[Magdlyn]

She got upset because he was not talking about me to her like he talks about his other friends. I guess she thought he was trying to hide something. Plus she found out we were texting a lot. He was afraid of talking about me too much and went overboard. Lesson learned.

Heh. Well, he shouldn't be hiding how much you and he are texting. And if she thinks you two are texting "too much," and cutting into her time with him, she can request/create a guideline to increase her comfort and security.

I texted him and told him I was tired, and the lack of communication was upsetting me. So he immediately called me while they were in the car together. I won't get to see him until Friday or Saturday, but I can wait.

Well, good. BTW, are you sure you want to be involved with a married man, and wouldn't be better off with a single guy? You seem to need more than he can give.

I appreciate all the feedback.

Well, that is not what you said above.

Do Senior Members calling people hypocrites count as name calling, when poster is just expressing their honest feelings?

Ideally, any poster should criticize behavior, not the character of the poster directly. So, saying, "You're a stupid-jerk hypocrite" is not cool. OTOH, calling someone's behavior hypocritical (or whatever) is perfectly fine.

 

[Marcus]

Everything seem 100x worse when I'm sleep-deprived.

It sounds like you've identified the central problem. Do you have a plan to take care of this? The issue of getting sleep with a youngster around is a pretty common hurdle. Are there veteran parents in your life you can get advise from? Maybe a family member or friend could help, so that you can catch a cat nap in the afternoon or something?

This past week, his wife expressed that she was upset because he wasn't talking about me, that raised her suspicions that something was wrong, like that he likes me more than her.

That's a strange place to go with a decrease in conversation about you. Either way, I'm sure they'll work it out. Or they won't. Not much you can do about that.

I've a barely talked to him this week, and am feeling awful, disconnected because of it. He won't even send a quick text in response to mine. WTF? I know he's busy almost every second, but really? A little background... our relationship is relatively new, plus he lives 1.5 hrs away and has a very busy life (family, business, farm, etc.).

It's a new relationship; he's incredibly busy; he has a wife who sounds like he might have issues with... I'd say give the guy a minute. I am skeptical that your getting upset is going to help encourage him to dive into your arms. Sounds like he's having trouble with balancing his life as is.

I'm not interested in hearing from those "tough love" folks who are honest and experienced, but seem to lack compassion. I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion and empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else, please!

Here's the problem with trying to keep people from posting because they have a more abrupt approach than you'd like. One of the big advantages of an online forum like this is that it reaches so many people. Lurkers and one-time visitors scroll through these threads, read what people have to say, and take from it whatever resonates with them the most clearly.

Some people respond to a very gentle, kindergarten-teacher approach to conversation, in which all ideas are valued as being equal, and the definitions of words are made up as we go along. Some respond to a curt and "in your face" type of conversation, in which ideas are not treated as precious and are forced to stand on their own merit. The beauty about an online forum is that we can have both.

I would encourage you to look outside of your own personal preference and consider whether the more abrupt form of communication has any value to any of the other viewers of this forum. Is it possible that some people will take something away from those types of posts who wouldn't have from another approach?

When I identify posters who I feel offer absolutely nothing to an adult conversation, I add them to my ignore list. Easy enough. I don't have to deal with their intellectual laziness, and they don't have to listen to me tell them how they need to post.

 

[Hetaera]

I said nothing about getting feedback. Feedback is good and it's why I'm here. I'm not into mean-spirited criticism, a totally different animal than feedback!

He wasn't hiding anything. We were texting a lot, and talking when she was asleep, or he was driving. But he wasn't hiding it. He wasn't necessarily rubbing her face in it though, either. He works from home, spends more time at home since he's not commuting to work, then he comes in for lunch, helps a lot with the kid, etc. I get very very little of his time compared to what she gets.

Good question as to why I'm with a married man. He was looking for a GF, with his wife's permission (apparently that theory vs reality is not the same thing at all). I was looking for a relationship that wouldn't get too serious. In early 2012 I got dumped with two very little kids (including a newborn). I am not really ready for a full-on relationship until I work out some more stuff, which is why a married man is appealing (with his spouse's permission... otherwise married men are off-limits, in my book).

The last guy I dated got way too attached and brought up love way too quickly, even though we were supposed to be like FWBs.

Anyway, with this current guy, we just really hit it off as friends. We have loads in common. Then we realized there was this insane sexual chemistry.

I met his wife and was very honest with her about not wanting to take him away from her, what with the difficult time I've had. I tried to let her know I was a decent person. She's feeling insecure though, which I tried to warn him of when everything was just theoretical. He pooh-poohed my concerns, not because he's dishonest, but maybe wishful thinking... plus the whole theory vs reality thing.

 

[BigGuy]

I travel a lot for my work. When I am home, I have morning coffee with my wife before I go to work, which really is just spending 10 to 15 minutes together where we slow down, center ourselves and connect. When I am on the road, we do it over the telephone. It's our morning ritual. Not quite the same thing, but it does seem to help us stay connected.

 

[london]

The problem is: when you perceive someone's objective feedback as mean-spirited criticism, is that your fault or theirs?

If you wanted a relationship that didn't get too serious, and you were forthcoming about that, don't you think this recent behaviour makes you look like you do? And that would meant you lied about your intentions, or weren't forthcoming when they changed.

 

[Hetaera]

Thanks Marcus. Very helpful and very sweet.

I discussed my feelings with him because I think that's important. But I also let him know that I understand the situation. One thing we have is total honesty, which I've never quite experienced to this level before.

 

[Hetaera]

London, we cannot predict what our true feelings are going to be, now can we? I didn't lie at all. Neither did he and neither did his wife. I think that accusing me of lying is a little extreme. His wife was ok with his having a GF in theory, but in practice it's a little different. He and I didn't expect to have such intense feelings for each other, but how on earth could we have predicted this would happen? We were both forthcoming when it changed. So there.

We are all talking and trying to make this work for everyone. We just hit a little bump in the road and are continuing on with a few lessons learned.

The last guy I was involved with told me he loved me after a month, even though we were just supposed to be FWBs. I don't think he lied; I think his feelings changed. Then again, our respective definitions of love didn't match up, as his involved possession and jealousy.

If you wanted a relationship that didn't get too serious, and you were forthcoming about that, don't you think this recent behaviour makes you look like you do? And that would meant you lied about your intentions, or weren't forthcoming when they changed.

 

[london]

I'm thinking from the wife's point of view. Initially, you weren't looking for anything serious, you reassured her you were not, but now you require this level of support. That, in my opinion, wouldn't promote security.

 

[Hetaera]

London, I can't tell of you are willfully misconstruing what I say, or if you got burned in the past and are interjecting your own issues into mine. I haven't made any demands. I have every right to express my feeIings. Just because I couldn't predict my feelings doesn't make me liar. I believe I said before that I never intended to have such intense feelings for him. I am a human being and I feel how I feel. Regardless of what we feel, he loves his wife as much, if not more than before, and I won't get in the way of that, even if I have to give up our physical relationship.

 

[Hetaera]

Everything is fine. Just a bump in the road.

 

[london]

I never said you demanded anything either. I said that you require a level of support from him which is in contention with a relationship that isn't serious. When you look at someone else's point of view, you don't rationalise the behaviour of the other person. If she came in here complaining about any of this, I'd say that there is no way for someone to predict their feelings unless rigid boundaries putting a crinkling on the emotional attachment between two people are enforced. It's you that posted, though, so I am suggesting why the wife might be twitched. Things have changed drastically since you initially stated your intentions. If you went in saying that you were unable to predict how you'd feel about him in x amount of time, it wouldn't be relevant. You didn't. You said you didn't want anything serious. You put the ceiling there and then broke through it, albeit ethically and consensually.

 

[Hetaera]

I've been thinking a lot about this. Part of it is NRE. I got carried away with it (even though I've rarely had NRE quite like this). I apologized for not maintaining better boundaries. But then again, feelings are feelings. I am being very careful to not put demands on his time. And the reality is that I really like his wife, and would like to be friends with her, if possible.

Anyway, the whole point of me not getting serious with someone was to avoid "losing" myself in a relationship, so I can continue to work on my issues from a long and unhappy marriage... which I am still doing. I need to keep that goal in mind, and fill my life with more things than just my married lover or any other one thing.

I appreciate all of the feedback. And when I hear something I don't like, I'm really thinking about it, instead of brushing it off.