demonicide
New member
I'm polyamorous in the strictest of definitions. It's not that I want to have sex with more than one person or that I have the capability of falling in love with more than one person simultaneously. I do fall in love with multiple people simultaneously. It's something I've always done and never quite understood. Like many people, I never had a name for it until recently, and I spent the majority of my life feeling "wrong" for doing so, like society was constantly judging me for this "social sin."
To complicate matters, I'm on the psychopathy spectrum, which means I don't make true relationships easily, and when I do, I process them very differently from the neurotypical majority. I love my "inner circle." Everyone else is questionable at best. Getting into my inner circle is difficult, and those who are in it, I love indiscriminately. There are a total of 6 people who, in my lifetime, have ever made it, and I love each and every one of them to this day.
The problem is as follows: I started dating a girl 3 years ago. We'll call her Rose. When she and I started dating, I explained to her the way I form relationships and that I was polyamorous. At first, she thought that I simply meant that I wanted to have sex with multiple partners. She said she wasn't into that. I explained that it had nothing to do with sex, and that I just loved whom I loved. It's not like I can control my ability to fall in love. I explained my inner circle, as well.
She said that she understood all of it, but that she wanted to pursue a strictly monoamorous relationship. I told her that I still loved my inner circle and always would. But I consented, after much conversation, as none of my inner circle were active in my life then. (At that time, there were only 4: T, P, A, and S). I told Rose that if any of them came back into my life, it could present problems. She seemed to understand.
Fast forward 3 years. Now Rose is in my inner circle. She is only the second "girlfriend" to gain that distinction.
Ken is there now too. Ken is a guy, the first guy in my circle. Processing my feelings for him, however, is the subject of a later post (mostly since Rose doesn't see him as competition).
Two weeks ago, Phoebe popped back onto my radar. She randomly invited me to an event she was doing. I hadn't seen her in 7 years at that point, so I figured I'd go and catch up. We spent 8+ hours straight together that night, talking, drinking, and having a good time. It was about 3 hours in that I realized how much she still meant to me. So yeah, I'm still in love with her, but I have been for 10 years. The difference is that now she's an active part of my life again.
I brought up some of my thoughts on this with Rose. She set some ground rules and boundaries: "Nothing more than a peck on the lips, no groping, nothing below the waist. Hugging/cuddling is OK. Nothing sexual." In some ways, that's more than fair. Considering, she could have just gone off on me or some other crap that normal Westerners do in that sort of situation. However, in other ways, it's so unfair. I don't think she fully understands that I love them both, equally but differently. I want to be with both of them all of the time.
I'm also unsure of Phoebe's feelings in this matter. Despite her telling me the first day we reconnected that she was OK with sharing, I'm unsure if she was joking. We didn't spend any serious time discussing it. And I don't want to tell her that I'm still in love with her (especially if she still has feeling for me) unless we can fully express them. I don't mean that I need to have sex with her, just that I want everyone to be on the same page. Telling her I love her in any other situation isn't fair to either of us.
The point is, I feel stuck. I don't know how to proceed. I've become rather heartsick and, unfortunately, I'm becoming resentful of Rose in this situation (though there is also some resentment both ways in other situations).
And what do I do if T, A, or S show up? Not that I'd complain having a big family with the five of them and their significant others, if they have them. (Two do.) It's just that the complication of Rose and Phoebe in my life simultaneously is really stressing me out.
So am I just screwed? Will I be able to come out of this remotely happy? Advice? Any is welcome.
To complicate matters, I'm on the psychopathy spectrum, which means I don't make true relationships easily, and when I do, I process them very differently from the neurotypical majority. I love my "inner circle." Everyone else is questionable at best. Getting into my inner circle is difficult, and those who are in it, I love indiscriminately. There are a total of 6 people who, in my lifetime, have ever made it, and I love each and every one of them to this day.
The problem is as follows: I started dating a girl 3 years ago. We'll call her Rose. When she and I started dating, I explained to her the way I form relationships and that I was polyamorous. At first, she thought that I simply meant that I wanted to have sex with multiple partners. She said she wasn't into that. I explained that it had nothing to do with sex, and that I just loved whom I loved. It's not like I can control my ability to fall in love. I explained my inner circle, as well.
She said that she understood all of it, but that she wanted to pursue a strictly monoamorous relationship. I told her that I still loved my inner circle and always would. But I consented, after much conversation, as none of my inner circle were active in my life then. (At that time, there were only 4: T, P, A, and S). I told Rose that if any of them came back into my life, it could present problems. She seemed to understand.
Fast forward 3 years. Now Rose is in my inner circle. She is only the second "girlfriend" to gain that distinction.
Ken is there now too. Ken is a guy, the first guy in my circle. Processing my feelings for him, however, is the subject of a later post (mostly since Rose doesn't see him as competition).
Two weeks ago, Phoebe popped back onto my radar. She randomly invited me to an event she was doing. I hadn't seen her in 7 years at that point, so I figured I'd go and catch up. We spent 8+ hours straight together that night, talking, drinking, and having a good time. It was about 3 hours in that I realized how much she still meant to me. So yeah, I'm still in love with her, but I have been for 10 years. The difference is that now she's an active part of my life again.
I brought up some of my thoughts on this with Rose. She set some ground rules and boundaries: "Nothing more than a peck on the lips, no groping, nothing below the waist. Hugging/cuddling is OK. Nothing sexual." In some ways, that's more than fair. Considering, she could have just gone off on me or some other crap that normal Westerners do in that sort of situation. However, in other ways, it's so unfair. I don't think she fully understands that I love them both, equally but differently. I want to be with both of them all of the time.
I'm also unsure of Phoebe's feelings in this matter. Despite her telling me the first day we reconnected that she was OK with sharing, I'm unsure if she was joking. We didn't spend any serious time discussing it. And I don't want to tell her that I'm still in love with her (especially if she still has feeling for me) unless we can fully express them. I don't mean that I need to have sex with her, just that I want everyone to be on the same page. Telling her I love her in any other situation isn't fair to either of us.
The point is, I feel stuck. I don't know how to proceed. I've become rather heartsick and, unfortunately, I'm becoming resentful of Rose in this situation (though there is also some resentment both ways in other situations).
And what do I do if T, A, or S show up? Not that I'd complain having a big family with the five of them and their significant others, if they have them. (Two do.) It's just that the complication of Rose and Phoebe in my life simultaneously is really stressing me out.
So am I just screwed? Will I be able to come out of this remotely happy? Advice? Any is welcome.
