Feeling betrayed over an affair before me...

[Precious1]

I need a sounding board. I found out that my partner had a long-term love affair on his wife long ago. I'm feeling very hurt because he did not disclose it to me before. He told me about all the other affairs, physical flings, before they both agreed on pursuing poly, which was after he discovered she was currently in a long-term affair (which he now compared to the affair he just disclosed).

Now he is evasive, and slinging shots at me, that I should understand, and how he never questioned any of my former relationships. I'm feeling hurt and confused, like he had the affair on me, and lied by omission.

Sigh.

He was so upset about her long-term secret affair that it almost destroyed their marriage. Now I learn he did the same, except it ended before she found out. He would not even reply if she now knows about that one.

Any consoling words? I'm thinking I have no right to feel hurt.

 

[Marcus]

I found out my partner had a long-term love affair on his wife long ago. I'm feeling very hurt, because he did not disclose it to me before.

My take on this is that the issue is *not* which details of his past he has divulged to you and which ones he didn't choose to tell you about. The issue is that you are aware that he has a history of lying and cheating and this makes you uneasy. Now you have discovered a particular detail which you can call him out for hiding from you. I would suggest having a conversation about your *actual* fears instead of chasing around this excuse.

If it's just a matter of you being mad because he didn't fully confess all of his sins to you, I don't know what to tell you. Why is his personal history your business? Is he applying for a job?

 

[AnnabelMore]

I don't think it makes sense to feel betrayed, personally. This is a mistake he made in his past, and it sounds like it was a much bigger one than the "physical affairs" that he told you about already. It seems like he had to build up a certain level of trust with you before he could bring himself to tell you. I think it's pretty normal to only share harder truths about ourselves over time. If it's something that directly affects you, and he didn't tell you at the outset, that's a big problem. But this doesn't directly affect you at all. So, why feel like he should have told you everything about his past all at once?

On the other hand, while I don't think it makes sense to feel betrayed, I do think it makes sense to be upset by this news. It sounds like he's a big old hypocrite and a liar. He's kept this huge thing from his wife (if he won't tell you whether or not she knows, it means she doesn't know), while giving her hell (I imagine) for doing the exact same thing. Of course it doesn't feel good to find out that someone you love hasn't been a particularly good person.

The real question is, does he understand why his actions were wrong? Has he learned, grown, and changed... or is he still the exact same guy, still completely capable of lying to you on a huge scale at any time, and he just doesn't happen to by lying to you at this particular moment (that we know of)?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you feel hurt. It's not fun to hear of past indiscretions when you are trying to build something there with him. It makes his word today hard to believe in when craziness from the past pops up. How can you know he isn't lying to you? How do you know he's willing to be held accountable to promises he makes you? Of course you are thrown for a loop! It is understandable to feel upset.

Right now he's behaving like this:

Now he is evasive, and slinging shots at me, that I should understand and how he never questioned any of my former relationships.

Could that mean he expects you to be ok with him lying and keeping things from his wife? What is he keeping from you?

You are the one in relationship with him. You can decide if this is something you want to keep dealing with.

 

[Precious1]

Thanks for the responses.

The sting is reduced a bit. This dropped bombshell had left a crater. I'm yet to see if it will explode.

He has started to open up and we have time planned to talk more.

Many times we have talked in depth about my feelings of being lied to, outright and by omission, including how I get wonky over the perceptions of being deceived. We both agreed on total honesty and owning our fears by calling them out when we feel them. This is a recurring theme, it seems, and I will be suggesting some joint counseling over it.

I will see if the evasiveness and misdirection by attempted mudslinging continues. That hurts the most, a betrayal of a tacit agreement.

I'm in it for the long haul. It's the best relationship I've ever had. I don't expect it to be without some bumps. Yet, I will not repeat my 23-year marriage either, by putting the other's emotional comfort above my own, regardless of the price.

Why is his personal history your business?

Perhaps in this instance because we shared our personal histories in depth, and he deliberately omitted this experience, which paints quite a bit of the rest in an entirely different light. In other instances, knowing parts of personal histories has protected me. One potential friend omitted his conviction as a child sexual abuser when asked about police history. I found out by a court lookup before our first IRL meeting. (I don't meet without a lookup first.) I am a survivor, and this is a dealbreaker for me. In this case, it was my business, and protection for my future grandchildren.

 

[london]

You don't meet for a coffee before you do an internet search launching yourself into someone's personal business? I really object to people being so intrusive. If you want to protect your kids, make it clear that no love interest will be seeing more than a photo of your kids for a year, at least. Paedophiles generally target those who will provide quick, easy access to their kids. Single mums looking for a Daddy figure, that sort. I tell everyone I date that they are highly unlikely to meet any of my family. That's not strictly true but it wards off those who want to get their feet under the table. In fact, I'm sure I say that about my son on my OKCupid profile. Most paedophiles have never been caught. They don't all have criminal records. You need a more foolproof way of assessing people than a criminal record check.

 

[Marcus]

I will see if the evasiveness and misdirection by attempted mudslinging continues. That hurts the most, a betrayal of a tacit agreement.

You mentioned earlier that he was "slinging shots" at you. What does this mean? It sounds like there are some games being played between the two of you, which I am skeptical counseling will be able to fix.

In other instances, knowing parts of personal histories has protected me. One potential friend omitted his conviction as a child sexual abuser when asked about police history.

So wait, you insist upon a full police background check of complete strangers "for the future grandchildren"?

Maybe instead of running potential acquaintances through your thorough interview process before ever you meet them, you could instead "get to know them." Using future grandchildren as an excuse to treat people like they are applying for a job with you isn't likely to help you build intimate relationships.

Maybe you could consider slowing down a little bit. Instead of thinking of every person you encounter as being totally meshed in every aspect of your life and your future grandchildren's lives, you could let the relationship grow organically. Try approaching a relationship and not putting the pressure of being in it for the long haul. Just be in it for what it is. You seem pretty paranoid, so just meet them in public places, give them your Google number instead of your actual phone number, don't give them your house key or let them stand over you with a running chainsaw.

People are really not that dangerous, no matter what the news would have us believe. See if you like them and trust them before you bring them into the fold, so that they can harm your future grandchildren.

Anyway, it just sounds like you are sabotaging your relationships by thinking of them as a strategy board game. Relationships which are forced to grow under that kind of light are invariably sickly.

 

[Precious1]

You don't meet for a coffee before you do an internet search launching yourself into someone's personal business? I really object to people being so intrusive.

One of the great things about life is everyone has their own comfort levels. I respect your opinions.

No, I don't meet for coffee first. And I am very upfront about the fact that I will do a search before meeting. I am also upfront about honesty being a priority. If anyone is uncomfortable about those, they are free to move on and save us both time.

That said, I am so busy with my current life, I'm not looking for anyone additional to date for the foreseeable future.

Redirecting back to the topic of the thread...

You mentioned earlier that he was "slinging shots" at you. What does this mean?

He appeared indignant, and messaged in a manner that was accusatory how he never questioned specific relationships that I had told him about. Instead of recoiling, I simply reaffirmed that if he ever has any questions or concerns, that he is encouraged to bring them up when they occur, or later/again if needed for his comfort. I am honest and fully truthful in that regard. Honesty and timely communication goes a long way to preventing lingering fears and hurts.

 

[london]

The reason I mentioned it is because I think this overbearing, intrusive behaviour is something you display generally. That is why you are so upset by something that actually has absolutely nothing to do with you or has any bearing on your relationship as it stands.