How to best support my primary partner in an unequal playing field

G

gorgeouskitten

New member
So as some of you may have gathered already, I have a great husband and a great boyfriend. (Bf is married.)

My husband is trying to date. He's having a hard time, with a couple things leading to physical encounters that he found kind of "meh," the second being more enjoyable than the first. He was recently rejected by someone that decided a poly guy just wasn't for her, and it was pretty rough for him.

I know it's hard to watch me have a full relationship with bf when he's not getting much on other fronts. He seems down about this, and a lot of other things going on, like school, our kids, etc. I just don't know how best to support him. I feel guilty for having plans myself, and being in love with my bf, though I know hubs wants me to be happy. Do I just lay off his dating life, continue to give him the love I already do, and not question his anxiety? I feel like I should do something
 
What would you do? Set him up for dates? Make sure he has satisfying sexual encounters with other women?

There's nothing much you can do. Sometimes, things take their time. Many poly peeps go on a lot of dates before they find partners.

How do you think the playing field is unequal?
 
Yeah... good points. I cant exactly hook him up. I guess it's just time and patience.

I guess I feel its unequal because I had feelings for my friend, then took him on as a partner when my husband and I went poly, so I didn't have to go through all this 'work.'
 
Oh, I know. I just want him to be happy. I feel badly I have something he doesn't, and that's difficult for him. I suppose "playing field" was bad word usage.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
I just want him to be happy... I suppose "playing field" was bad word usage.
Click to expand...

Nah, it's common to use that phrase for a conversation like this, but the red flag that prompted the comment might have been this one:

gorgeouskitten said:
I feel guilty for having plans myself.
Click to expand...

To me (not putting words in NYCindie's mouth), this is setting yourself up for failure by designing it so that you both need an equal amount of relationships in order to be happy. This sets it up as a competition, like a game where the score needs to be even for guilt to not be present.

This is bullshit and will only cause more damage. What your goal should be is to separate these two issues:

1. You get to enjoy your relationships for what they are.
2. You want hubby to be happy and want to help him meet chicks.

Make those two totally distinct ideas. This way, everyone wins and you don't take on your hubby's dating practices as your mission, nor does his success have any impact on your relationships.

What does hubby want from you in this regard? Does he want you to introduce him to your friends, or go out on the town hunting hotties with him? Is he hoping you will be involved in this at all? I would let him take the lead on this, otherwise you make him a charity case (and that will not make him more confident with the ladies).
 
Been there done that got the T-shirt. Heck, I'm there now. All you can do is be supportive.
 
Marcus said:
What does hubby want from you in this regard? Does he want you to introduce him to your friends, or go out on the town hunting hotties with him? Is he hoping you will be involved in this at all? I would let him take the lead on this, otherwise you make him a charity case (and that will not make him more confident with the ladies).
Click to expand...

Thanks for all you said.

I kept suggesting things to him last night, and he, very kindly, told me to cut it the fuck out. lol. He told me he appreciated my concern. He's very happy for me and bf. I just need to let him do his thing and listen if he needs someone to listen.

So I'll try to stop 'helping,' and also feeling guilty, because he doesn't want me to, I don't want to, and being with bf is great, so there is nothing to feel guilty about.
 
Glad you talked. My partner and I are both "fixit" types, and boy, learning to back off is HARD. You have my sympathies. :)
 
gorgeouskitten said:
I just want him to be happy
Click to expand...

That's what you can do, make him happy (yeah, yeah, insofar as anyone can make someone else happy, blah blah blah).

But being there for him when he needs you, taking him out (or let him take you out) on amazing dates, confirm via his favorite love language that you do love him very much. Basically, make sure your relationship with him is as strong as it possibly can be. Good for you, good for him, good for all. ;)
 
Been there. There now.

I think Marcus has it right.

My own dh once said to me that how he felt about my happiness with my bf was 100% independent of his feelings about not having someone himself.

I support how I can, sometimes by being a wingman at the local poly meetups, other times by just not saying anything. It is a lot harder for guys to find someone willing to date a married man than it is to find a guy willing to date a married woman. (Now, as to finding men of quality who are worthy of dating -- that's another thing entirely.)
 
Too true, rws. I was lucky and was already good friends with my bf before we ever dated. And my husband is actually really awesome about us. We are having BF and his spouse over for the first time tonight. Eep!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top