Am I expecting 'too much' conversation?

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gorgeouskitten

New member
Ok, so, I'm sorry I've posted a lot, but I'm still new to this and working out all the kinks. (No pun intended; the kink parts work great. haha.)

BF and I have been together a few months. We both say I love you and really enjoy our time together, which is usually one night a week from like 6-10pm, and one other night, for an hour or so. We have very very recently added the occasional weekend day or overnight. (We are both married, as a refresher.)

So here's my thing. I feel like we are at a place in our relationship where we would at least speak daily, tell each other what's on our minds, what we have going on, or just discuss current events. We actually work together, but time to speak is limited to 5-10 minutes, and lunches have been more rare lately. So I'm feeling like we need to work in some phone calls or texts, or something during the day, where we can talk a little more just to have that connection.

But then I wonder, is this not how poly works? Should I be happy with the time we have, and then expect my husband to fill in (the best he can) all my other needs? Like, it's ok I barely talked to BF yesterday, because I had a good convo with hubs last night? I'm hesitant to raise this with BF because he's very protective of his time, but I think its a reasonable relationship need.

What do you all think?
 
I wrote a long reply and it got lost. I'll summarise. You need to understand that he needs to not have daily contact and he needs to understand that you do. The compromise would be to ensure that two or the days don't pass without contact.
 
Not everyone has the same communication style.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
But then I wonder, is this not how poly works?
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While there might be some solutions that you have access to which monogamous folks wouldn't necessarily have, this is not a poly-specific problem. This is just a common relationship situation which everyone should consider (though they rarely seem to).

gorgeouskitten said:
I feel like we are at a place in our relationship where we would at least speak daily.
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Which manual are you using? I have the 2004 edition, which says that once a couple has been dating 2 months, they "should be communicating at least once per day."

This classification you are putting on your relationship is imaginary and is probably caused by the central issue, your fear of being alone and tasking others with fixing this for you. Some people are ok with this level of being meshed with another life form but (as you are discovering currently) not everyone will endure it for long.

gorgeouskitten said:
Should I be happy with the time we have, and then expect my husband to fill in (the best he can) all my other needs?
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Why does anyone need to take care of this for you? What list of needs do you have which the people around you should feel compelled to check off for you? I would strongly suggest you stop looking at people as items to plug into your fear of being alone.

While you consider your emotional issues something that other people need to fix, you are going to continue to have this problem. Take a look at your list of "needs." Consider for a moment what a "need" is. Look at the list again and see if there are any actual "needs" on there. Chances are it is a list of emotional insecurity issues which you are confusing as needs, and are further confusing as someone else's to deal with.

1. Take full authority and responsibility over your feelings and actions.

I didn't list any other steps you should take, because if you can figure this one out, I think you'll find that many of the issues you are having will magically fall off of your radar.

The fear of being alone is pretty much universal, as far as I can tell. I consider myself to be a pretty self-reliant human, but I periodically find that the fear of being alone is clouding my actions, and I have to do a kind of personal inventory to get myself pointing in the right direction again. It's normal to feel this way, but making it someone else's problem is just going to exacerbate the issue.
 
I consider that a "like," not a "need."

Some people aren't into talking for talking's sake just to "have a connection." Perhaps texting? You can pick up the text and send one back whenever. You don't have to drop what you're doing, break your focus, and refocus over and over. Some people can't function optimally like that. It fucks up their shit when they get into something and get interrupted.

I don't know him. I don't know you. But if this is a very important priority in order for you to be in a relationship with someone, you need to either reevaluate whether this is a relationship you want to sustain anyway, because the good things are worth overlooking this, or reevaluate your priorities. You probably won't get him to change. Even if he gives in to your request, you won't feel fulfilled by those phone conversations if he's not into them of his own enthusiasm.
 
What Marcus said. It is not your boyfriend's job to cater to your every relationship want in order to make you feel secure.
 
Well put, Marcus. But do you think fear of being alone is what makes me feel a disconnect from him? I have formed a habit of reminding myself in my head that my partners love me, regardless of where they are, what they are doing, or what mood they are in.

Yes, I'm an anxious person. I'm working on it.

I won't going into insane detail, but I was raised by a bipolar woman and have attachment issues. I really don't want to be overly needy, to either of them, yet I get a strong desire to just connect with BF when it feels it has waned.

Of course, I'm also antsy. We haven't had sex in over a week. I guess that's a separate thing altogether.
 
BoringGuy said:
I consider that a "like," not a "need."


I don't know him. I don't know you. But if this is a very important priority in order to be in a relationship with someone, you need to either reevaluate whether this is a relationship you want to sustain anyway because the good things are worth overlooking this, or reevaluate your priorities. You probably won't get him to change, even if he gives in to your request. You won't feel fulfilled by those phone conversations if he's not into them of his own enthusiasm.
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Point taken!

Also, as many of you are saying, I realize my partners can not meet every want or whim of mine, but I do see the harm in broaching some of them and negotiating.
 
It is no one's job to make you comfortable in your own skin but yours.
 
This is not a fundamental incompatibility, like if you needed to have children with all your partners for it to be a serious relationship, and your partners didn't want children. This is a really small thing that takes next to no adaptation. I agree that it isn't your partner's job to fulfill your every little whim, however, I do believe that in a relationship, each partner does have a responsibility to meet the reasonable needs of one another. If we take the baby situation I mentioned, it would not be reasonable for your partner to abandon his desire to not ever have children, in order to meet yours of having children. That just means that your relationship has no future, your long-term needs are totally incompatible.

Something relatively small like this takes minimal compromise on both sides. There isn't a right or wrong about how much contact partners should have. You just simply have to acknowledge that you have different needs. Whatever the reason for you having those needs, you have them. Now, unless your partner is absolutely opposed to any more contact than you have, because it goes against the nature of his very being, then perhaps you have to either like it or lump it. I doubt your partner feels as strongly as that, though. That's why I suggested a compromise, something that your partner feels they can realistically meet, but that still allows him space, and more importantly, for you to develop security. You have to acknowledge that he needs something different from you, too. That means sticking to not being in contact every single day, all day. Every other day sounds reasonable to me. You also have to accept that it might be just a short message of acknowledgement, rather than a full conversation. Compromise on both sides.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
I have formed a habit of reminding myself in my head that my partners love me regardless of where they are, what they are doing, or what mood they are in.
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Focusing on the solution is the right way to go. If a mantra helps you, then keep doing it; I lean on my mantras sometimes as well, and it can be helpful. Abandonment, fear of being alone, whatever the correct name is, the goal should be to become self-reliant when it comes to your own feelings (and in general, for that matter).

This isn't just that I am an advocate for autonomy in general, but because it has a very practical effect on relating. If you are self-reliant, then when your partners give you their time and affection, you can be confident that they are doing it because that's what they want to do, not just to avoid having to deal with you having a panic attack. It encourages a more genuine form of relating.
 
london said:
You have to acknowledge that he needs something different to you too. That means sticking to not being in contact every single day, all day. Every other day sounds reasonable to me. You also have to accept that it might be just a short message of acknowledgement, rather than a full conversation. Compromise on both sides.
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Well, we do have minimal interaction every day. We work together, so we have at least 5-10 minutes a day for "Hi, how are you?" I guess I desire a little more than that, at least a 30-minute convo every couple days, or more so before a long time apart (like next week).

I wrestle with really wanting my guys as co-primaries, if we were to use labels, because I could interact and associate with him on the same level as my spouse. But that isn't really where we are at right now.
 
Marcus said:
This isn't just I am an advocate for autonomy in general, but because it has a very practical effect on relating. If you are self-reliant, then when your partners give you their time and affection, you can be confident that they are doing it because that's what they want to do, not just to avoid having to deal with you having a panic attack. It encourages a more genuine form of relating.
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I like this. It is something I struggle to remind myself of. I'll have to reread. Perhaps post it somewhere.
 
It's very difficult when you have a goal like making your relationship with him the same as you have with your spouse. You need to accept that even if you could marry, live with, breed with and share practical entanglements with both people, your relationships will still look different, because they are with different people. I'd stop focusing so much on that and let your relationship naturally develop. I'd be uncomfortable with someone trying to emulate a relationship they already have with me. It would not make me feel uniquely special to them and all that stuff.
 
london said:
I'd be uncomfortable with someone trying to emulate a relationship they already have with me. It would not make me feel uniquely special to them and all that stuff.
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I hear you. I guess what I meant to say was that I desire a spouse-like relationship with him, not exactly like the relationship I have with my spouse.
 
Thanks

Also, I really appreciate you all helping me relax. I should be able to do it on my own, but it's a work in progress. (I'm sure my BF thanks you, too.)
 
What do I think?

I think you have two things:
  • You seem to want time set aside for deeper connection with BF.
  • You seem to want a co-primary-shape relationship with BF and DH.

While you work together with BF, that's work time, not the bonding emotional-intimacy or mental-intimacy time that you seem to crave. You would like to, "Speak daily, tell each other what's on our minds, what we have going on, or just discuss current events more often," with your BF, more than you currently do.

You are wondering how to cope with feeling unhappy you are not getting this with BF by pointing out to yourself that you do get it with hubby. I don't think the need for close connection is "To get it in general (from anywhere and anyone)", because if that were so, you wouldn't be posting. If your DH could top you up in your "I want close connection to BF" bucket, you wouldn't be struggling.

You could ask BF if he is willing to make the time to share close connection or not. Then you could know. I think you are not willing to ask BF at this time because you perceive that he's protective of his time and might say, "I'm not willing to do that."

You could also ask him if he'd be willing to work toward a co-primary shape thing. You also have to ask the other player's willingness to participate in a co-primary model. That is, your DH.

I think you are not willing to ask BF about the co-primary thing because he might say he's not up for that, because it means him spending more of his time with you. (I'm not sure where your DH might fall, or of your willingness to ask him about a co-primary model.)

Basically, you will either decide to:

a) Leave it how it is and deal with not liking not knowing.

b) Let go of the want to know.

c) Ask BF (and DH) the things you want to know, so you can know.

It's up to you. You can always ask. They may or may not to be willing/able to meet your request. But asking is on you. Neither one can "mind reader" you.
 
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gorgeouskitten said:
I struggle to remind myself of. I'll have to re-read. Perhaps post it somewhere.
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You and me both.

gorgeouskitten said:
I really appreciate you all helping me relax. I should be able to do it on my own, but it's a work in progress. (I'm sure my BF thanks you, too.)
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This is actually a valuable thing to realize. Folks who have a higher need for connection than others need to figure out how to get this taken care of. Hobbies, multiple friends, online discussion forums... whatever it takes.
 
Ahh. I just took a twenty minute walk with him. It did wonders.

I'll have to work out making sure we have lunch every couple days between our nights.

And if we don't, try to relax.

And have more sex. That's the next step.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
Ahh. I just took a twenty minute walk with him, and it did wonders. I'll have to work out making sure we have a lunch every couple days between our nights. And if we don't, trying to relax. And have more sex. That's the next step.
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You really might want to find someone who has the high octane need for constant attention that you do.
 
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