Am I expecting 'too much' conversation?

[gorgeouskitten]

You really might want to find someone who has the high octane need for constant attention that you do.

Right. But I love him, so either I try my best to tone it down, or he gets sick of me. Hopefully I tone it down. And I did appreciate all your earlier remarks.

(I'm extra anxious today, because we are getting together with our spouses tonight and I'm nervous.)

 

[gorgeouskitten]

You could also ask him if he'd be willing to be working toward a co-primary shape. You also have to ask the other player's willingness to participate in a coprimary model, that is, your DH.

I think you are not willing to ask BF about the co-primary thing because he might say he's not up for that, because it means him spending more of his time with you. (I'm not sure where your DH might fall, or your willingness to ask him about co-primary.)


a) Leave it how it is, and deal with not liking not knowing.

b) Let go of the want to know

c) Ask BF (and DH) the things you want to know.

You can always ask... Neither one can "mind reader" you.

Thanks, Galagirl.

BF and I had discussed it, at length actually, before I got into poly. (Long story. I've liked him for a while.) He was always up for it, though this was before we knew his wife was on shaky ground with us being together. So I'm trying not too bring it up too much. DH seems to be ok moving towards co-primaries, but I don't want to rush him.

Is it possible to be co-primaries with someone who's married to someone else?

 

[Dagferi]

You really might want to find someone who has the high octane need for constant attention that you do.

I agree with Marcus.

Your constant need for attention would push people like me away. I do not need to share every little bit of my life with someone. My boyfriend is like me, thank the deity. We do touch base daily with each other, but most days it is a few quick text messages before he heads into work. Sometimes it is just a quick "I love you" text and I won't hear from him for 24 hours. But then again, we do get a lot of time together face to face. I have about as close to a 50/50 time split between my men as I can get with Murf 's schedule.

My husband can be an emotional vampire. He needs to talk about every little itty-bitty thing. It drives me insane. I actually love it when he is in NRE with someone else, because I get some peace and quiet. I love the man, but damn can he talk. And he loves to BS with people.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I agree with Marcus.

I do have about as close to a 50/50 time split between my men as I can get with Murf 's schedule

See, I'd love even a 60/40 husband/bf time split, but we have nowhere near that. Like I said, pretty much 6 hours a week, if you go down to hours. (I'm saying this for conversation's sake. I don't nitpick every hour we spend together.) So, since I can't get more time, I'd like a little more talk. I have an anxious-attachment style (if you read and are into that kind of thing). You can't so much change, as try not to drive your partners crazy.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I agree with Marcus. Your constant need for attention would push people like me away.

I'm just curious. Why did you guys figure I have a constant need for attention? Because I said I am anxious, or because I do want more attention from him?

 

[Dagferi]

I'd love even a 60/40 time split, and we have nowhere near that. 6 hours a week... So since I cant get more time, I'd like a little more talk. I have an anxious attachment style. You can't so much change, as try not to drive your partners crazy.

That's where being with someone who is mono comes in handy. I am Murf's only partner, so I get the lion's share of his free time. He works a crappy shift. One week he works Sun, Wed, Thurs. The following week Mon, Tue, Fri and Sat. 12 hour shifts, 6p to 6a. On his days off during the week, I will spend one night overnight. On his weekend off, I am with him Friday to Monday.

If my husband is off work I go solo. If he is working then the boys come along.

Since it's summer, I get more time with him, since no one has school to worry about.

Murf also comes to spend the night here. I do not have to worry about someone else's schedule. Murf has never been married, has no children, lives by himself, owns his own house.

I just came home from an overnight visit with my kids. This weekend Butch is off, so we get a weekend to ourselves. Only once every 6 weeks do their schedules line up. My husband gets his days off (when Murf is working) to see whomever he is dating at the time.

 

[Dagferi]

I agree with Marcus.

Your constant need for attention would push people like me away.

Why did you guys figure I have a constant need for attention? Because I said I am anxious? or because I do want more attention from him?

It seems like he does talk to you. You do get to talk with him at work. He does speak with you outside of work, I am sure. It is not his job to make you feel secure or entertain you.

 

[london]

Notice that the people that feel you require extraordinary amounts of attention also think that one partner had next to no responsibility for meeting another partner's needs. I used to think like that. So unless a person naturally behaved in a way that met all my needs, I'd dump them, simply because I didn't want to pressure them to change.

Guess what, though? Some of those guys wanted to meet my needs. The things I required weren't things that would mean they had to change the essence of who they were, and had they known that X would have made a difference for me, they would have given me X willingly.

I let some good people go because I didn't want to make my needs, their needs. Of course there is a balance, a happy medium, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to find it.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Notice that the people that feel you require extraordinary amounts of attention also think that one partner had next to no responsibility for meeting another partner's needs. I used to think like that, so unless a person naturally behaved in a way that met all my needs, I'd dump them, simply because I didn't want to pressure them to change. Guess what though? Some of those guys wanted to meet my needs, the things I required weren't things that would mean they had to change the essence of who they are and had they known that X would have made the difference for me, they would have given me X willingly. I let some good people go because I didn't want to make my needs, their needs. Of course there is a balance, a happy medium, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to find it.

Very good input, London!

 

[gorgeouskitten]

That's where being with someone who is mono comes in handy. I am Murf's only partner so I get the lion's share of his free time. He works a crappy shift. One week he works Sun,Wed,Thurs. The following week Mon,Tue,Fri and Sat. 12 hour shifts. 6p to 6a. On his days off during the week I will spend a night overnight. On his weekend off I am with him Friday to Monday. If my husband is off work I go solo. If he is working then the boys come along. Since it's summer I get more time with him since no one has school to worry about. Murf also comes to spend the night here. I do not have to worry about someone else's schedule. Murf has never been married and has no children. Lives by himself owns his own house.

I just came home from an overnight visit with my kids. This weekend Butch is off so we get a weekend to ourselves. Only once every 6 weeks does their schedules line up. My husband gets the his days off when Murf is working to see whomever he is seeing at the time.

This sounds fantastic, good for you!! Im trying to put my big girl pants on and let things get more cozy as time goes by, i think if i chill i will eventually get a bigger split with BF, i love him like hell and can wait for it

 

[IndieSolo]

I didn't read the whole thread, but all I would say is just send him a freaking text if you want to, for crap's sake. Do you really need permission first, or to designate a rule before you feel comfortable reaching out to him?

That being said, know that you might not get a reply for two or three days. And really, that isn't a big deal unless you're tapping your toe waiting for an answer. If you find yourself doing that, check yourself and see if you're just indulging in a bit of neediness and clinging on, and becoming overly attached. Expectations can really fuck things up.

My lovers and I have always had breaks of several days in between messages. We just pick up where we left off. I'm not the type of person who needs daily communication from someone, though. Anyone expecting or requiring that from me would feel oppressive. A spontaneous text letting me know I am in that person's thoughts is nice. However, I would answer it or not, depending on whether it seems like the kind of message that asks for a reply, my mood at the time, or if it were convenient to do so.

Throw out the rule book!

 

[Dagferi]

I know it's hard.

Honestly, there are times my boyfriend is too quiet and I need to talk to him. (With my husband, that is never a problem.) Or bf will suddenly fade out of a conversation via text, when I really need to talk to him on an emotional level. Sometimes I just need to hear from him even if it is about nothing.

For example, I texted him, asking about how installing the wiper motor on his '55 Chevy went. I teased him a bit about an ongoing joke between us. The conversation stalled on his end. A year ago, it would have bothered me. Now while I would like it to continue, I know it is just the way he is. You know what? He surprised me and called last night and talked my ear off for well over an hour.

As time has gone on, he has increased how much he communicates with me when we are apart, even though I have gotten to a point that I do not need it. I know we're ok even if we don't talk all day long and I only get a single text before he goes into work.

So I do understand how you feel, GK. Even though I do not get all wrapped up in a man, there's just something about Murf. I am usually the one who gets smothered easily in a relationship. My friends joke that I can end a relationship like ripping off a Band-aid. But I am an INTJ personality type and that's how we are. These men have been wrenches in the works of my usual way of being, so I know they are special.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I understand how you feel, GK. Even though I do not get all wrapped up in a man, there's just something about Murf. I am usually the one who gets smothered easily in a relationship. My friends joke that I can end a relationship like ripping off a Band-aid. These men have been wrenches in the works of my usual way of being, so I know they are special.

I feel the same way about BF. He just does something for me that feels so special. Probably why I'm so love hungry to have more of him.

Hubs, on the other hand, I've been with for 15 years, so I'm so secure in our relationship, and he knows just how to work with me.

 

[GalaGirl]

This was before we knew his wife was on shaky ground with us being together, so I'm trying not too bring it up too much.

Again, if you want to know something, ask.

I do not know why getting clear with the wife was not a part of the discussion before, but I see it wasn't. Well, talk about it now, to help you know.

Knowing would relieve you of some of this anxiety. "Ack! What if this? What if that?"

Is it possible to be co-primary with someone who's married to someone else?

Anything is possible. Is it possible for you guys like this? I have no idea.

Ask all the players if they are willing, make agreements, try it on for a time, and see. Try to be more assertive.

I feel the same way about BF. He just does something for me that feels so special. Probably why I'm so love hungry to have more of him. Hubs I've been with for 15 years. I'm so secure in our relationship and he knows just how to work with me

That's something to note. Your relationship with BF is not yet secure because it is newer. Note that, and chill out on the emotional plane. If you need reassurance from BF to help you chill out, ask for it.

You have needs. He either meets them or not. You might find guys who are compatible personalities/love styles, or you might come to find you are not compatible. That's what dating time is for. Get on with it and ask for the things you want.

Are you worried about dealing with disappointment if you come to find you are not compatible after all? Is that the hold up?

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Are you worried about dealing with disappointment if you come to find you are not compatible after all?

Pretty much, yep. First, just to clear it up, when we started dating, he told his wife he was into me, and they were already poly so he/we didn't know she was going to end up feeling awkward/jealous about us. I was his first non-mono partner.

As far as the future, asking him? Yes, I'm afraid of disappointment. I love him. I see us with a future together. I don't really want to think about otherwise much, as it saddens me. We have had talks about how things could def move to place where we were more like 'primaries" and he's said that his emotions don't move as swiftly as mine.

We just had lunch together. He was talking about looking for a different job and how it could possibly, for the right package, take him out of state. He referenced wanting to stay here for love of his house, proximity to some of his best friends, but didn't mention us. I said nothing, but he sensed i was uncomfortable and pushed me on it. I said I would hope that our relationship was at least on that list, as I would not move away without great consideration to him. He said of course I was on the list, then followed it up with 'as all our nearby friends are' which warmed the cockles of my heart a little less.

I'm thinking I need to really ask him where we are going, so I'm not crushed later. But I also want it to progress naturally, and don't want that question to be coming purely out of anxiety.

 

[Dagferi]

GK, you need to slow things down. Your relationship is brand new. I have over a year into my relationship. It took time to get to where we are now.

Your bf has a wife who is not very comfortable with his relationship with you right now. His life is entangled with hers. If they have children, it is even worse. To put it bluntly, she can make his life hell if she gets the urge.

From his comments regarding the possible move, you are not as high up on his ladder of priorities as you place him. Lumping you in with regular friends says a lot. Actions speak louder than words.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

GK, you need to slow things down. Your relationship is brand new. I have over a year into my relationship. It took time to get to where we are now.

Plus he has a wife who is not very comfortable with his relationship with you right now. His life is entangled with hers. If they have children it is even worse. To put it bluntly, she could make his life hell if she got the urge.

From his comments regarding the possible move, you are not as high up on his ladder of priorities as you place him. Lumping you in with regular friends says a lot. Actions speak far louder than words.

We've been friends for years. Our relationship has progressed kind of quickly. It feels longer than it's been, if that makes sense. I'm also a jump in with two feet kind of person, which is something he admires about me, but I can see how it's a drawback.

They don't have kids. But you're right-- he has a lot to consider on the wife front.

Lumping me in with other friends, yeah, that stung. Trying to decide if I should let it go, or say something.

 

[Dagferi]

Let his actions, not his words, be your guide. If he truly cares for you he will show you by his actions. Stop being the catalyst that makes things happen for a bit. Allow him to show you the truth.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Let his actions, not his words, be your guide. If he truly cares for you he will show you by his actions. Stop being the catalyst that makes things happen for a bit. Allow him to show you the truth.

Thanks. He's a sweetheart, just get a little mixed signals sometimes.

 

[GalaGirl]

Lumping me in with other friends, yeah, that stung. Trying to decide if I should let it go or say something.

I'd let it go.

To me, it sounds like you could think about how you process "disappointed" as a feeling in general, whether it is the disappointment, like it stinging he doesn't make major life decisions like changing jobs and moving with you in mind at this time, or the disappointment of breaking up further down the road, if you ask questions in the dating time to get to know each other better, and come to find you are not compatible.

It's just going to be what it is as it unfolds.

Some feelings are fun to feel, some are not. But learning how to cope with disappointments is a skill you could develop. Perhaps doing that could help you reduce the anxiety when faced with these things, because you could then tell yourself, "Whatever it is, I can handle it. I've handled things before. I can handle them again."