New to all of this

melodee1981

melodee1981

New member
Hi there, I am in kind of a tough place and need advice. I am a married woman in my early thirties. My husband is also the same age. We have two small children. I love my husband and have such a great bong and connection.

However, I have cheated multiple times with multiple people and he only knows of one. I do not want to keep secrets from him, but I want to explore an open marriage and just don't know how to bring up the subject.

I found out recently he was talking to an old friend from school and wanted to meet up for drinks one night. I asked about her and he denied any plans. I expressed the fact that I would be okay if he wanted to see her and he just wanted to drop the subject.

I guess I just want to know if I'm way out in left field or not.
 
The first thing I'd do is work on the marriage. If you struggle to keep commitments to one person, you'll struggle when more people are involved. I understand that you might have cheated because you found monogamy difficult, but your marriage still isn't in a place where you are communicating honestly with one another. Bringing people into this kind of situation isn't only unfair on them, but your problems will escalate dramatically with others involved.

Work on yourselves first, seriously.
 
Like you, I'm relatively new to all of this, but I would say that it sounds like you two have deeper issues. I wouldn't look at adding relationships as a balm that will make all that just go away. If I were you, I would feel weird about opening up my relationship when I'm still not being completely honest with the spouse. How can you expect to be honest going forward? It's like a boil you've got to lance before you can heal and move on.

What you described with the friend suggests to me that he might be having the same issues. That doesn't mean you're ready to open up your relationship; it probably means the opposite. I'd say you need to straighten out things between the two of you before you go adding anyone else into the mix, especially with two small children involved. I just went through a divorce with three small kids, and it tore my heart out.

Honestly, have it out. One way or another, you'll figure out whether you two should be together. Figure that out first.
 
I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you I did bring up poly before 'working on the marriage.' For myself, I knew that I could not work on things with him under the assumption that I wanted to be mono, because I would be unhappy and it wouldn't actually work. Before I asked to go poly, we tried a counselor, and it was just a horrible awful experience. I decided to just ask/tell him, and go from there. I realize this wouldn't work for everyone, but I knew that if I tried to 'fix' our relationship while he thought I wanted only him, I was being dishonest. I don't know if you want more info than that, but I'm happy to talk. :)
 
melodee1981 said:
Thanks, I appreciate the honesty. But I am still unsure.
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What are you unsure about? Whether or not you want to talk to him or just continue having affairs and lying? Or are you unsure about what is going on with him and his 'date'? (He's probably having an affair, by the way.)

How long to you intend to keep playing these games with each other?

Either way, if you want your relationship to be even remotely healthy, you guys are going to need to cut this lying crap out and actually have a discussion like adults. Guessing and hinting and lying and breaking trust is never going to bring anything but harm.
 
Marcus said:
Either way, if you want your relationship to be even remotely healthy you guys are going to need to cut this lying crap out and actually have a discussion like adults. Guessing and hinting and lying and breaking trust is never going to bring anything but harm.
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This. :)
 
This is hard to say, and maybe hard to hear. But I say it with kind intent, ok? Don't go there like this.


I don't know if reading this could help any.

I love my husband and have such a great bond and connection. However, I have cheated multiple times with multiple people and he only knows of one.
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The second sentence cancels out a "great connection." You could choose not lie to yourself about what you have. :(

I do not want to keep secrets from him.
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You are keeping secrets from him. If you don't want to do that anymore, you could stop. :(

I want to explore an open marriage and just don't know how to bring up the subject.
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You could open mouth or write a letter or use another medium to say:


I would like to talk about exploring an open marriage with you. ​

I would like to know if you are willing to participate in an open relationship model of some kind with me.​

If you are willing, I would like to talk more with you to assess if we would be able to execute that plan. ​

I'd like to talk and determine if we each have the skills required to do it, to practice it well if we decide to go there. ​

And to determine when would be the best time to go there. ​

Are you up for having those kinds of talks with me? ​

I guess I just want to know if I'm way out in left field or not.
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If you want to know something only he can answer, you could ASK HIM.

For just you, what skills are currently needed to actualize this future open marriage idea?

INTERPERSONAL:

  • At this time, you do not practice full communication/honesty with your current partner. You could improve that.
  • At this time you are currently cheating, or have cheated in past (not sure). You could resolve that.
  • You could decide to practice radical honesty and authenticity in your relationships, including your relationship to yourself.
  • You hint around rather than be assertive/direct when trying to communicate with your spouse. (The thing about him meeting that woman for drinks.) You could learn to be more assertive and learn to have hard conversations. Polyamory has plenty ofopportunities for that. If you can't do it yet, you could learn.

INTRAPERSONAL:

  • You lie to yourself when you say "I love my husband" and then do less than loving/kind behavior toward him, with cheating and lies of omission. You could work on your "talk" and "walk" matching better.
  • You lie to yourself when you say you and spouse have a "great bond and connection" when the communication is weak between the two of you, and there is dishonesty.
  • You could work on not lying to yourself. It is not self-respecting behavior.
  • You could work on becoming a person of your word.

You could get yourself sorted out before attempting to build something NEW with your husband. Then when you have yourself better together, you could ask him for his willingness and ability to talk about opening the marriage, and then not rush to open it, but spend some time reading resources.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.morethantwo.com/

And since you have shared children, before you decide to go there, if you go there, you could draw up your divorce papers and custody papers NOW, notarize a copy for each of you and place them in safety deposit boxes. If you cannot talk about it before going there, you don't want to be talking if/when it explodes and end up in a bigger mess, with fighting over the children.

If you can't talk about it now when things are "good" between you, you could stop to wonder why not.

I would hope your polyshipping experiences are lovely ones. You could align your conduct to increase the odds of that happening.

But going forward like this, you'd be flying wonky. :(

My 2 cents,
Galagirl
 
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If your marriage is not solid, adding more people into the mix won't be solid either, and is not fair to those other people. I know because I have been one of those other people. The couple I joined didn't have near the obvious problems that your marriage does.

The outcome in my case is that everyone has a broken heart and the couple is divorcing.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone.
 
I'm going to keep it simple. I came from a place similar, I had an emotional affair. Hubby and I both joined some lists of mono/poly to help and many many stories we read there are about opening a marriage with affairs.

There is no going from a marriage that had cheating to poly. There's just not. First, you have to work on the cheating. Yeah, mention that you don't think you are someone that can't stay with monogamy, but first work on being honest and reestablishing trust. This will take a lot of time and work.

Then you can move from cheating, to non-monogamy, to ethical non-monogamy and then to polyamory, if that is your goal. But trust me, I have seen way too many times people assuming all you have to do is come clean, and then say, "Hey, I think I'm poly, and that way, no cheating!" and then jump right into poly. And it does not work.

Later we hear these stories of how the marriage is over, 'But now I am free to be who I truly am!' which ends up being double speak for 'Working on my marriage and dealing with my mistakes is too harrrrrrrrd!'
 
I might get blasted for this, but you can stop cheating, leave the past in the past, and move forward asking for non-monogamy.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
i might get blasted for this....but you can stop cheating, leave the past in the past, and move forward asking for non-monogamy.
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What makes you think you might get blasted for saying that? Is it an inside joke that does not include me?
 
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