So, if you want a triad, a successful one, why don't you date separately? That way you could each find people who definitely like you as an individual, then you could start hanging out with them and your spouse, and see if they like them too. From what I understand, the most successful triads start that way. It's an organic thing, not a couple setting out to find someone who ticks their boxes.
Why can't I stop thinking about this?
- Thread starter PolyK2
- Start date
So, if you want a triad, a successful one, why don't you date separately? That way you could each find people who definitely like you as an individual, then you could start hanging out with them and your spouse, and see if they like them too. From what I understand, the most successful triads start that way. It's an organic thing, not a couple setting out to find someone who ticks their boxes.
Dagferi
Well-known member
Stop it with the "we, "share," "our, "hubby and I" in regards to another person.
People are not things you share. They are not things you use to spice up your relationship or life.
Relationships are organic things that develop at their own pace and time. You can't really define how they will be. Get out meet like-minded people without the focus on a relationship end goal. Make friends. You just never know what will happen. Unfortunately, actively hunting a third seems to attract the wrong people.
People are not things you share. They are not things you use to spice up your relationship or life.
Relationships are organic things that develop at their own pace and time. You can't really define how they will be. Get out meet like-minded people without the focus on a relationship end goal. Make friends. You just never know what will happen. Unfortunately, actively hunting a third seems to attract the wrong people.
AnnabelMore
Active member
Hi Polyk2. Good on you for seeking advice and perspectives. I understand that it all must seem puzzlingly negative. It comes from a blend of negative personal experiences, reading of many other's negative experiences with the date-together-or-nothing approach, and weariness with seeing people make the same mistakes over and over.
I'm going to post below something I wrote in another similar thread. Apologies for the laziness of that, but I think it fits very well here. The only thing that may not be applicable is the stuff about asking your new third partner to be exclusive with the two of you -- if that's not something you would expect, feel free to ignore those parts. I'd be very curious to hear what you think of the rest, though.
As for how to meet people if not online, perhaps there are poly meet up groups in your area? If not you could consider starting one. Or you could just talk about your poly interests amongst your existing friends and see if anyone bites.
Finally, as for the question of why you can't stop thinking about this, some people really are just wired for poly and for compersion. If you fall into that category, which it certainly sounds like you do, then it must be incredibly exciting to finally be getting to a point where you could explore it. But I think your excitement makes this situation all the more dangerous... the higher you're flying, the more likely you are to project your imagination and ideal visions onto a new situation rather than seeing its flaws for what they are. Be very careful of that and try to stay objective.
I'm a bi female who's not in a primary relationship. A former aspring unicorn myself, actually (couples are hot!). I've been poly since I was a teenager, and have read a TON of individual accounts of poly escapades. And I would run, not walk, away from your proposition. I'll explain.
You don't want to date separately. So, if I'm involved with one of you I must be involved with the other. Yet, many new relationships don't work out in the long run. Some do, of course! If I started a new relationship with both of you, maybe we'd get lucky and one of those relationships would turn into an incredibly important love affair, something that imprints itself powerfully on our hearts and souls.
But wait -- that doesn't happen often. So the chances that it would happen with both of you are very low. Maybe I wouldn't end up feeling much chemistry with the other one of you at all, actually. Maybe I feel downright uncomfortable saying lovey things, or being physical, with the other one of you. But you don't want to date separately.
So now, in order to be with the new love of my life, I also have to try to force a connection with this other person, who may be perfectly fine as a friend, but isn't my cup of tea as a partner. What a weird, painful, and downright terrible situation I'm now in! If I try to break up with the person I'm not into, our closed triad is now broken, in your eyes. It's not your ideal anymore. You're disillusioned with it, or maybe just with me, because you had a goal, a vision, and it "failed." Am I allowed to date anyone new, now that I'm only with one of you? Can the other half of the couple even stand me being around, or is their heart too broken to be able to deal with my presence in the life of their partner? Am I now alone, without either of you, just for being honest, just for the sin of not falling in love twice over? At the very least, if I've moved in, I probably now have to move out. My life, on an emotional level, and perhaps a practical level, is now in shambles.
Of course, it could easily happen the other way around. Maybe I do fall head over heels for both of you... and for a while you think you're both in love with me too! Bliss! But then one of you realizes you're not in love, after all. You were in love with the idea of me, with the role I was going to play, the niche I was going to fill. But in reality, we just don't click. And now we're in just as bad of a pickle. Do you give up your triad-ideal? Or do you kick me to the curb and go looking for the next hot bi babe? Will that possibility be looming over my head the entire time we're together?
The above scenarios are just touching on the main problem with the triad-or-nothing approach. There are a legion of other issues, mainly having to do with power imbalance. For instance, this is supposed to be a closed triad. Let's say the three of us get together, but then an old flame wants to come back into my life, or a new friend wants to be more. You two have the wonderful reassurance and security of the settled comfortable love of your preexisting relationship, plus the terribly exciting, if scary, new love with me. You two got the choice to open up to adding another relationship to your lives when you felt ready. I only get the scary, exciting, new love. I'm not allowed to have a pre-existing partner, and I'm not allowed to follow up on any new opportunities, not allowed to make that choice for myself the way you two did for you.
You have a life together. It wasn't built for me, for my preferences, habits or hobbies. It was built for the two of you, and you've probably already done a great deal of compromising to make things work where you two differ. Now, on top of that, you're trying to fit me into that carefully-balanced dyad life, trying to wedge me into a space that you are opening up. It will almost certainly take a long time to make the adjustments that will make it truly work for me. It will probably take a very long time for it to feel like my life equally. It may well never. I may never "catch up" to the relationship you two have. It will all feel ideal and equal and perfect to you, because it was built for you. It won't feel that way to me. I will feel distinctly like the newcomer, the outsider, for a long time. But I'm not allowed to have anyone else. I'm not allowed to love just one of you, either. Is this a scenario where I'm likely to feel natural and comfortable, or where I'm likely to feel trapped?
I could go on, but maybe that's enough for you to see why this wouldn't be attractive to me, and why I would warn any potential unicorn not to consider your offer, not because you're bad people, but because I think the structure you're trying to form is an inherently fragile, flawed, and disaster-prone one. Not because triads can't work! But because if a closed triad is your only acceptable outcome, I am the one who is going to suffer, almost inevitably.
You may find a woman who takes you up on your offer. Chances are good she'll be younger, a bit naive, maybe not too independent, because that's the sort of person who is more likely not to see the disadvantages for them that are inherent in this. And, alas, her naivety and emotional immaturity will only make this more likely to end in disaster.
Does any of that make sense?
I'm going to post below something I wrote in another similar thread. Apologies for the laziness of that, but I think it fits very well here. The only thing that may not be applicable is the stuff about asking your new third partner to be exclusive with the two of you -- if that's not something you would expect, feel free to ignore those parts. I'd be very curious to hear what you think of the rest, though.
As for how to meet people if not online, perhaps there are poly meet up groups in your area? If not you could consider starting one. Or you could just talk about your poly interests amongst your existing friends and see if anyone bites.
Finally, as for the question of why you can't stop thinking about this, some people really are just wired for poly and for compersion. If you fall into that category, which it certainly sounds like you do, then it must be incredibly exciting to finally be getting to a point where you could explore it. But I think your excitement makes this situation all the more dangerous... the higher you're flying, the more likely you are to project your imagination and ideal visions onto a new situation rather than seeing its flaws for what they are. Be very careful of that and try to stay objective.
I'm a bi female who's not in a primary relationship. A former aspring unicorn myself, actually (couples are hot!). I've been poly since I was a teenager, and have read a TON of individual accounts of poly escapades. And I would run, not walk, away from your proposition. I'll explain.
You don't want to date separately. So, if I'm involved with one of you I must be involved with the other. Yet, many new relationships don't work out in the long run. Some do, of course! If I started a new relationship with both of you, maybe we'd get lucky and one of those relationships would turn into an incredibly important love affair, something that imprints itself powerfully on our hearts and souls.
But wait -- that doesn't happen often. So the chances that it would happen with both of you are very low. Maybe I wouldn't end up feeling much chemistry with the other one of you at all, actually. Maybe I feel downright uncomfortable saying lovey things, or being physical, with the other one of you. But you don't want to date separately.
So now, in order to be with the new love of my life, I also have to try to force a connection with this other person, who may be perfectly fine as a friend, but isn't my cup of tea as a partner. What a weird, painful, and downright terrible situation I'm now in! If I try to break up with the person I'm not into, our closed triad is now broken, in your eyes. It's not your ideal anymore. You're disillusioned with it, or maybe just with me, because you had a goal, a vision, and it "failed." Am I allowed to date anyone new, now that I'm only with one of you? Can the other half of the couple even stand me being around, or is their heart too broken to be able to deal with my presence in the life of their partner? Am I now alone, without either of you, just for being honest, just for the sin of not falling in love twice over? At the very least, if I've moved in, I probably now have to move out. My life, on an emotional level, and perhaps a practical level, is now in shambles.
Of course, it could easily happen the other way around. Maybe I do fall head over heels for both of you... and for a while you think you're both in love with me too! Bliss! But then one of you realizes you're not in love, after all. You were in love with the idea of me, with the role I was going to play, the niche I was going to fill. But in reality, we just don't click. And now we're in just as bad of a pickle. Do you give up your triad-ideal? Or do you kick me to the curb and go looking for the next hot bi babe? Will that possibility be looming over my head the entire time we're together?
The above scenarios are just touching on the main problem with the triad-or-nothing approach. There are a legion of other issues, mainly having to do with power imbalance. For instance, this is supposed to be a closed triad. Let's say the three of us get together, but then an old flame wants to come back into my life, or a new friend wants to be more. You two have the wonderful reassurance and security of the settled comfortable love of your preexisting relationship, plus the terribly exciting, if scary, new love with me. You two got the choice to open up to adding another relationship to your lives when you felt ready. I only get the scary, exciting, new love. I'm not allowed to have a pre-existing partner, and I'm not allowed to follow up on any new opportunities, not allowed to make that choice for myself the way you two did for you.
You have a life together. It wasn't built for me, for my preferences, habits or hobbies. It was built for the two of you, and you've probably already done a great deal of compromising to make things work where you two differ. Now, on top of that, you're trying to fit me into that carefully-balanced dyad life, trying to wedge me into a space that you are opening up. It will almost certainly take a long time to make the adjustments that will make it truly work for me. It will probably take a very long time for it to feel like my life equally. It may well never. I may never "catch up" to the relationship you two have. It will all feel ideal and equal and perfect to you, because it was built for you. It won't feel that way to me. I will feel distinctly like the newcomer, the outsider, for a long time. But I'm not allowed to have anyone else. I'm not allowed to love just one of you, either. Is this a scenario where I'm likely to feel natural and comfortable, or where I'm likely to feel trapped?
I could go on, but maybe that's enough for you to see why this wouldn't be attractive to me, and why I would warn any potential unicorn not to consider your offer, not because you're bad people, but because I think the structure you're trying to form is an inherently fragile, flawed, and disaster-prone one. Not because triads can't work! But because if a closed triad is your only acceptable outcome, I am the one who is going to suffer, almost inevitably.
You may find a woman who takes you up on your offer. Chances are good she'll be younger, a bit naive, maybe not too independent, because that's the sort of person who is more likely not to see the disadvantages for them that are inherent in this. And, alas, her naivety and emotional immaturity will only make this more likely to end in disaster.
Does any of that make sense?
wildflowers
New member
Maybe someone's already said this, but shouldn't he be the one to decide that he wants to date? It seems to me you're setting yourself up for a lot of trouble, getting so invested in a relationship that you're portraying as mostly for him. If you want your own relationship, that's a different story. Then you just need to decide if you in fact want to pursue it, and if so, figure out how.
Wow. This is a lot to process. I have thought and imagined what it would be like for the third, what the whole situation could make her feel, how it could end badly. I honestly really really do appreciate that post. Exactly what I was looking for!
When I think about dating a third, I think about alone time with each of us, her getting to know me separately from my spouse. Of course I'd want to do things together, but not all the time.
I wouldn't have an issue if the situation arose where the third didn't have feelings for me, but feelings for my spouse. (I'm just gonna put M because it's shorter than my spouse.) I would be ok with a friendship with the other end of the V. Yes, I will probably get my feelings hurt, but I HATE HATE HATE awkwardness. And like I said, I'd do anything to help bring happiness to M. I haven't asked him how he felt if the roles were switched, but I definitely will!
I'd hate for anyone to feel like the outcast, or black sheep. I know everyone on this site apparently hates the use of the word "share," but that's what it is!!! I do not have a problem sharing M. Just the same way the new party is sharing him with me. I'd want things to feel relaxed, happy, comfortable, natural, and normal for the new person, and I want to be able to be the person cheering them on. And I wouldn't have an issue dating separately if it were a known fact we were interested in a triad. (Notice, people, I said interested, not required.)
Like I said before, AnnabelMore, I really appreciate the sincere words of wisdom!! And I appreciate that you gave me something to consider in a more profound way.
And to wildflowers: I never said I was going to choose M's person. I don't think anything I've said conveys that I'm that type of person.
When I think about dating a third, I think about alone time with each of us, her getting to know me separately from my spouse. Of course I'd want to do things together, but not all the time.
I wouldn't have an issue if the situation arose where the third didn't have feelings for me, but feelings for my spouse. (I'm just gonna put M because it's shorter than my spouse.) I would be ok with a friendship with the other end of the V. Yes, I will probably get my feelings hurt, but I HATE HATE HATE awkwardness. And like I said, I'd do anything to help bring happiness to M. I haven't asked him how he felt if the roles were switched, but I definitely will!
I'd hate for anyone to feel like the outcast, or black sheep. I know everyone on this site apparently hates the use of the word "share," but that's what it is!!! I do not have a problem sharing M. Just the same way the new party is sharing him with me. I'd want things to feel relaxed, happy, comfortable, natural, and normal for the new person, and I want to be able to be the person cheering them on. And I wouldn't have an issue dating separately if it were a known fact we were interested in a triad. (Notice, people, I said interested, not required.)
Like I said before, AnnabelMore, I really appreciate the sincere words of wisdom!! And I appreciate that you gave me something to consider in a more profound way.
And to wildflowers: I never said I was going to choose M's person. I don't think anything I've said conveys that I'm that type of person.
AnnabelMore
Active member
Really glad to hear that it was useful!
So, what happens if the person you tried to have a triad with doesn't have an easy time getting over the 'awkwardness'? What if they want no contact with you (and only contact with your spouse) if the relationship doesn't work out?
Dating separately seems a better idea, but without expectations of a triad.
My triad formed out of a friendship. We weren't even open, let alone poly, when it happened. I don't think it would ever happen again (to me), despite the fact that we've been living together happily for a few years. It just seems like such a weirdly serendipitous thing to happen, even though I live it as my daily life.
Please stop calling her "the third," then. Just say girlfriend. "The third" is unicorn-speak.
Dating a woman, having a girlfriend...
Good.
The woman, the girlfriend...
Have you done this yet? Because that is a scenario it is extremely important to prepare for. In other words, at that point you would be officially dating separately, you'd be in NRE and having a ball, he'd be feeling rejected. How on earth do you and he handle that?
OK. So say you get a gf, but your husband just. can't. find one. It's quite common! How is he going to handle that? This is a reality you should prepare for. I am adamant on this issue because when my ex-husband and I first tried poly back in 1999, we were naive. unicorn hunters. Our "unicorn" seemed interested in both of us at first, had sex with him (they fell in love), but never had sex with me. In fact, while we were friends, she had trust issues with women and absolutely no romantic interest in me. I was completely unprepared, got clinically depressed, pulled our agreed-upon veto, but that made no difference. They maintained a romantic correspondence and ended up together 9 years later, after he and I separated!
You can say bitch here, or any other word you want.
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I'm not going to say I'm a unicorn hunter. Actually first time I found a forum on the subject of poly.
New to the whole looking for someone.
Have skipped through most of this thread.
It does remind me a lot of what I'm going through, although I'm on the fence about someone who's interested in me and my lady, or is indifferent to being involved with my lady at all.
I won't say I'm naive about it. Those who are more experienced on the subject could say otherwise and know what they're talking about, but there's definite frustrations that my head is doing everything it can to say, "It's gotta happen." It's frustrating as all hell.
Edit: now time to read.
New to the whole looking for someone.
Have skipped through most of this thread.
It does remind me a lot of what I'm going through, although I'm on the fence about someone who's interested in me and my lady, or is indifferent to being involved with my lady at all.
I won't say I'm naive about it. Those who are more experienced on the subject could say otherwise and know what they're talking about, but there's definite frustrations that my head is doing everything it can to say, "It's gotta happen." It's frustrating as all hell.
Edit: now time to read.
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Everyone's input in here is appreciated.
I agree with Poly2K's description of "share."
The part about looking for someone separately is insightful.
I could say it makes sense and has always made sense. I've just been so focused on thinking about whoever I find needs to be compatible with my current lady and our family (the 2 of us, a baby, baby on the way, pets, etc.), I've kinda lost track that the dominant focus would be someone I'm compatible with. Perhaps been a little overly concerned with looking out for the feelings of the lady in my life now.
I agree with Poly2K's description of "share."
The part about looking for someone separately is insightful.
I could say it makes sense and has always made sense. I've just been so focused on thinking about whoever I find needs to be compatible with my current lady and our family (the 2 of us, a baby, baby on the way, pets, etc.), I've kinda lost track that the dominant focus would be someone I'm compatible with. Perhaps been a little overly concerned with looking out for the feelings of the lady in my life now.
Derbylicious
New member
Compatible doesn't have to mean romantically and sexually compatible, though. People are going to fit into your life however they are going to fit. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want everyone to get along, and to click on some level, but finding someone to have that romantic/sexual compatibility with both of you is far less likely. Let things develop organically however they are going to.