New and needing outside perspective

B

baughb

New member
Hello everyone, I apologize in advance for the possible long post...

So, I am possibly about to enter my first true poly relationship, and needing some perspective on how I am handling everything. First, some backstory: about a year ago, I met R online, we hit it off immediately, and shortly after met, had an amazing time together. He had recently split from his girlfriend of 7-ish years. We saw each other occasionally, and I developed feelings which grew into love. I found out at the end of last year that he had reconciled with his ex, but continued to see me because the feelings he had for me were real and didn't want to lose me (according to him). I immediately ended the relationship as cheating is not ok to me.

Fast forward to March (the 'present' situation). He contacted me to apologize, and we began to see each other as friends (public lunch dates, during the day, etc.). We spoke often and he confided to me that he was still in love with me. Additionally, he spoke of his relationship and that his girlfriend A and him had an open relationship of sorts. A was raised by swingers and exposed to an open relationship lifestyle from early on. R & A have invited other people into their bed several times (A is bisexual as well), and have had 'girlfriends' in the past, all from which I can tell have been playmates at most, no real poly relationships.

After some consideration, I decided I would test the waters. I explained to R that as long as A was aware of what was going on, we could pick up with seeing each other. I stressed to him that I expected complete honesty and disclosure, and that I would not tolerate being "the other woman" or any kind of secret he kept from A. Having a very full scheduled life myself, seeing him only 1-2 times a week is ideal for me, as my busy schedule has always been a problem for men in the past feeling neglected or wanting more time from me that I honestly don't have. I decided that I would want to meet A at some point as you can only trust someone's word that the other person knows what's going on for only so long. I decided that I didn't want to meet A until a poly relationship was something I was willing to do for real; meeting her to me signified commitment on my part, and I didn't want to meet her and establish myself as part of her life (being R's second girlfriend and another person he would be sharing his time with) if it wasn't something I wanted to commit to. We have been 're-seeing' each other for about a month now.

I have recently decided that I am willing to commit to this relationship and doing what I can to make it work. R is currently on vacation for the week with A, taking their son on a trip (the child is also a factor that weighed in when deciding when/if I wanted to meet A, as he would obviously be some kind of factor in my life too). I explained to R that when he retuned back to town I was infact willing to commit to making this work, but I expected him to work with me on establishing some sort of stable communication & 'visiting' schedule (I am very schedule driven, so this is important to me), and also wanted to meet A.

I have been extremely open about my feelings, wants, needs to him, and have made sure to verbalize the fact that I will not tolerate any kind of deceit. I feel that the only way this will work is for nothing to be in the dark. I have myself had dates with other men while seeing him and have been honest about that with R as well. I am still learning to deal with the occasional frustration and jealous that comes with him having his primary relationship and family, not allowing him to spend time with me occasionally when I request it or having to occasionally cancel plans. He has been positively receptive to my feelings and allows me to vent when needed.

I would like some perspective from others that have expierence in this lifestyle. Am I being level headed about this? Have I been handling things in a healthy manner? Am I being nieve? I do have a couple good friends that I have been able to confide in about this, but none that have been in this kind of relationship. any imput or thoughts would be greatly appreciated and helpful.
 
Welcome to the forum! You seem to have it together. My only real question for you would be if there is a hierarchy of primary/secondary in place and if so, how do you feel about that?

It might be a good idea to set a date for your meeting of A, so it's not just some distant possibility.
 
baughb said:
I decided that I didn't want to meet A until a poly relationship was something I was willing to do for real; meeting her to me signified commitment on my part, and I didn't want to meet her and establish myself as part of her life (being R's second girlfriend and another person he would be sharing his time with) if it wasn't something I wanted to commit to.
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Are we talking about a lunch or the signing of a blood contract?

I say ease off the throttle a bit on how much pressure you're putting on this relationship. It really does sound like you are joining the military and are trying to get your affairs in order before you are shipped off to the front.

baughb said:
I decided that I would want to meet A at some point as you can only trust someone's word that the other person knows what's going on for only so long
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This is certainly a perspective that some have, but I do not share. If I think there is a very real chance that a person is lying to me... that means I don't trust them. If I don't have any idea if they are lying to me or not... that means I don't know them. I don't require that people "prove up" the claims they make because it is tantamount to my saying "yah, I don't believe you" which is also my cue to either get to know them better or end the relationship.

The second part of this discussion, unrelated to your inability to trust your partner, is a question of intimacy. If there are parts of each others lives which we can't or don't want to share with each other that will build barriers to intimacy. That isn't a bad thing necessarily, it's just something that most couples want to minimize. Since his other partner is clearly a big part of his life, not being able to share in that to some degree would be a pretty big barrier to your intimacy with each other.

To me, that is a reason to get to know someone, to learn about their life, meet their friends and partners; to allow intimacy to flourish.... not because you suspect they are full of shit.

BlackUnicorn said:
My only real question for you would be if there is a hierarchy of primary/secondary in place and if so, how do you feel about that?
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That's a very good question, and I see the same thing in this post.
 
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Queue = waiting your turn in line or on the subway platform, etc.

Cue = billiard stick; signal that it's your turn, "when the ghost says "boo!" that's the cue for the curtain to be dropped" <-- sorry my mind is bad at examples this morning

These words "cue" and "queue" get mixed up a lot.
 
I am in the meet SO club

So I commend you for wanting to meet their SO, it really doesn't stem from an untrusting or paranoid view that everyone is a liar, it just takes a lot of experience and understanding what real honesty is all about.

For all of the same reasons people find talking to their spouse about the desire to practice any style of non-monogamy, it is all too easy for people to barely scratch the surface of such a topic and then call the discussion good way too early. If a person cannot bring themselves to meet their spouse's other lover I personally see that as a red flag. However, if it works for you in your relationships why fix something that isn't broken.

From my very limited experience, all three relationships which became source of aggravation to the point I wish I never got involved with them, could have been completely avoided had I insisted on meeting their bf/spouse before taking it any further than traditional, non-sexual friendships.

Becoming involved with the wrong people in any sort of non-monogamous relationship can be a nightmare, so if it's avoidable, I avoid it, as that is what works for me.

Being a secondary lover to a woman already in a relationship is what works best for me. I have had extremely bad luck seeing women completely separate from their other relationships.
 
Thank you for the replies. In response to the hierarchy questions; yes, I definitely feel there is one. I see myself as his secondary, because they have been together for about 7 years, have a child and live/share daily and financial responsibilities together, combined with my 'personal time' restraints/wants, it feels natural for me to see it that way. I've become comfortable with the idea a lot faster than I expected.

we are still getting our footing together it seems; she has had a hard time dealing with some negative feelings of anger and jealousy that I feel are natural (it appears that this is the first true poly relationship for her as well; all previous lovers were just that; bedroom company, so this is the first time true feelings have been involved with someone that she has not been involved with herself). but I am standing firm to my request of honesty and disclosure with him. I feel in my heart that it's the best decision.
 
Thank you for the replies everyone. To answer the questions of hierarchy, I do personally feel like and see myself as a secondary. He and A have been together for 7 years, share a son, live together and share daily/financial responsibilities. Because of this and my own time/work commitments, he stays with me on average every other week to as much as twice a week, and we do not share any kind of financial responsibilities. This arrangement actually feels naturally like it works for me, as it give me the personal space I enjoy, as well as the time to casually date others as well. No responsibilities are expected of me (financially, etc) as well.

This have been extremely good as of lately. R has been very receptive to my wants and requests, and has made a noticeable effort to give me additional attention and communication when we are apart longer. I have not met A yet, as R has explained in not so many words that I am the first true poly relationship they have also been in; previous to me the additional parties involved in their relationship had always been 'flings', and I am the first girl that she was not involved with as well that he has legitimate feelings for. because of this she is still working through some personal feelings of jealousy and fear.

I feel optimistic about things as they are, I feel that a good foundation has been set.
 
in regard to the hierarchy

Unless you all live together, being a secondary to a previously existing couple is really the only feasible arrangement. It doesn't always get called a "secondary" relationship, but that is just the way things are and it works.

I have honestly never met people with more than one "primary" partner unless the share a household, or their other lovers have absolutely no problem being around each other as there aren't enough hours in the day for two separate relationships.

But maybe it's just because only on-line are things so boxed up and labeled, stuffed into convenient tupper ware and clearly labeled. Don't get me wrong, it is good to have everything clearly defined and it's one thing to describe the structure of it online, but in real life I have never sat and clarified titles. Maybe because I am not active in any local groups, and for the most part I don't want to be, so there are not many people that have ever known I wasn't just friends. And to be honest, none of friendships were all that much different. We never called ourselves "polyamorous" I just happened to be friends with people who were very open minded sexually and didn't get vindictive when we fell out of frequent contact.

In full disclosure we had never used any of the terms used here online although the of course many of the same concepts we part of the relationships. I never cheated on any of my monogamous relationships if was more of the stretches in between girlfriends that certain couples I have always been friends with I started hanging out with them more. But never sat down with them and said, ok I am your wife's boyfriend.

And I liked that, it was my "primary" relationships that had got so bad I seriously have come close to filing for restraining orders. From stalking to breaking down my front because she "loved" me that much is scary. So I have pretty much given up on having a polymaorous primary, and the safety and easiness that comes from being a secondary is fine be me, I prefer it.

I have never had a "secondary" girlfriend show up at my house and would not leave until the police showed up. I also have had problems with Poly "families" where I have felt extremely violated, tricked, and deceived and without realizing it was a "team" or "family" effort, such people can really make you feel crazy, one big constant mind fuck is not my idea of friendly people whom I would want to become involved with, it pretty leaves me withe couples, and I have come to prefer it that way
 
Dirtclustit said:
I have honestly never met people with more than one "primary" partner unless the share a household, or their other lovers have absolutely no problem being around each other as there aren't enough hours in the day for two separate relationships.
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My metamour and I are both "co-primaries" for lack of a better word - my partner doesn't believe in hierarchies, but overall, we are his two "life partner" relationships while he is starting to date someone else.

He splits his time between homes - two days north with me, two days south with her. It's a 1.5-hour separation, but he doesn't mind the drive, and it's been working out for around two years.

I have no interest in sharing a household with someone who isn't either of my kids or my partner - I don't want a roommate. I don't want to be around my metamour 24/7, even though I like her, and we do get together somewhat regularly.

I know we haven't really "met", but I figured I'd put another data point out there. :) It's working for us so far, and doesn't seem to be a problem waiting to happen.
 
YouAreHere said:
He splits his time between homes - two days north with me, two days south with her. It's a 1.5-hour separation, but he doesn't mind the drive, and it's been working out for around two years.

I have no interest in sharing a household with someone who isn't either of my kids or my partner - I don't want a roommate. I don't want to be around my metamour 24/7, even though I like her, and we do get together somewhat regularly.
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This is ideally what I would like to have with my metamour at some point. What I fear is that she will not reach the point of wanting to accept me like I hope.
 
Good luck - it may take some time (heck, I and my metamour came in at about the same time, and it took some growing pains), but if she's open to the idea, and is okay with sifting through the emotions, it could work. It can be a long road, especially with a child, but not impossible.
 
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