New, curious, and looking for advice

R

RoseTyler

New member
Hi! I'm new, confused, a little frightened and looking for some solid, non-judgmental advice. I hope I've come to the right place.

I'm married to an amazing man. Without getting too sappy and cliche about it, he's my best friend, partner and teammate at this sport of life. We've been together for almost 10 years, and married for over 3. We are completely honest about everything with each other and it's been the policy of our marriage to be open and nonjudgemental. It's our belief that no truth, no matter how wrong society or others might think it, is worth hiding and thus ruining our partnership over. We've always said that, if something ever came up that might be damaging to our bond, we would try and talk it out and potentially come up with a non-traditional solution if necessary.

This is, of course, easier in theory.

A while ago, I met a man with whom I immediately hit it off. The chemistry was palpable and we started up an online friendship. My husband has been aware of the friendship the entire time - was even there when we first met. As much as I have strived to keep things plutonic, our attraction has grown increasingly. Our conversations have edged beyond flirty into more intimate terms.

I have not informed my husband about this change, but he senses it. My desire for this other person has apparently, unbeknownst to me, started to affect me, though it has done nothing to change how much I love my husband. The other night, he brought up how hard it's been to connect with me sexually lately and we danced around the possibility of opening the relationship, but very lightly.

Some additional data: my husband has always harbored the fantasy of seeing me with other men. It's an active part of our fantasy life for him, but I'm not sure how it would affect him if we ever went through with it and neither is he.

I know this might seem like a no-brainer in this community, but I need a sounding board. Am I just trying to justify my desire to cheat on my husband by seeking an open situation? And how do I officially broach the subject with him? Do I try to let it happen organically?
 
RoseTyler said:
I know this might seem like a no-brainer in this community, but I need a sounding board. Am I just trying to justify my desire to cheat on my husband by seeking an open situation? And how do I officially broach the subject with him? Do I try to let it happen organically?
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It is definitely not a no brainer, most of us have been there at some point. And even though some of us have been at it a while, this kind of thing can still be rough.

You say you have a wide open communication with your hubby.. in the end you answered your own sets of questions. The easiest way to officially broach the conversation is to just do it.

Sit him down, and start communicating your needs, and how you think they may be met, and how opening your marriage may help that.

You seem to have one key thing in place so many couples lack, a happy stable relationship, its just a matter of finding out if you are on the same playing field. Until you find that out, you will never know.
 
There is another piece of the puzzle here too. The other guy. I get that your husband has a fantasy about seeing you with other man but what about HIS feelings on the subject. What does he want inreguards to a relationship.

I do not personally consider ethical non monogamy cheating. Some of us are just wired differently.. some are LGBT.. some are straight... some are kinky.. some are vanilla ...some are monogamous ..some are poly.

First sit down and have an open and honest conversation . From there every relationship takes its own path.
 
Thanks for your input, Arikas!

Dagferi, I'm not certain about what my other friend is interested in outside of having a sexual encounter. That is definitely a conversation that would need to happen. I did mention my husbands fantasy as a possible outlet for our building attraction and he said he wasn't necessarily opposed to it.

The other monkey wrench in the whole thing is that he is in a relationship. But I don't want to focus on that entanglement just yet. Right now, I'm focused on my marriage and what this could mean for my husband and me.
 
Does this man's SO know that you two have been carrying on a sexually charge exchange? How about your husband? If either one doesn't know and is ok with it stop immediately. It is dishonest and in fact many consider it cheating. I believe in having clean hands in my relationships.

You seem head over heels for this man already.. are you sure you would be happy with being a fuck buddy if his so and your husband gives the green light.

Another scenario is are you will to totally FUBAR your relationship with your husband. This will change your relationship for ever and you can't go back.
 
RoseTyler said:
This is, of course, easier in theory.
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Time to put it into practice. A conviction which is not utilized during a moment when it is most critical is not a conviction at all... it's just a fanciful conversation *about* convictions.

Take a deep breath, sit down with him, and spit it out. All of that groundwork about good communication will surely help pave the road to healthy resolution.

RoseTyler said:
Am I just trying to justify my desire to cheat on my husband by seeking an open situation?
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Cheating implies broken trust.

Currently it sounds like you are having a secret romance, which many would consider cheating. If you were to speak with your husband and make clear your intentions and desires, there would be no further breach of trust and thus would not be cheating.
 
RoseTyler said:
The other monkey wrench in the whole thing is that he is in a relationship. But I don't want to focus on that entanglement just yet. Right now, I'm focused on my marriage and what this could mean for my husband and me.
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So what you're saying is that your selfish interests are what is most important?

"That entanglement" is a strange way to describe the relationship your online friend has. The attitude coming across in your wording suggests that you think, in comparison with your own lusty desires, his relationship is unimportant and inconsequential. That is extremely inconsiderate. You can't just focus on what you want and how it will affect your marriage. You have to consider the other person - the dude is in a relationship, for chrissakes.

His relationship is a major element that needs consideration. How serious is it, does his partner know what is developing with you, and does s/he give consent? I think you need to pinch yourself a bit and come back down to earth! You are wrapped up in the excitement of your hormones and brain chemistry having been stimulated and are not being kind. So, ask yourself how self-centered and self-serving are you going to be?
 
Well, so much for the nonjudgemental hopes.

Apparently this is not the life I'm destined to live anyway. My husband and I discussed it openly and he is not up to anything external. So that's that I guess. I'm sad to have to lose this other person in my life and the one place I might have hoped for some understanding is full of people projecting their own version of morality on me. Nice.
 
Furthermore, I wasn't intending upon starting my secondary relationship until he had worked out something with his s/o. I was just trying to get advice and support on how to approach things with my husband. That was my primary concern.
 
Oh good grief just because we didn't pat you on the head, tell you are wonderful, and give you a cookie. You are now going to pout.

Honey what you got was constructive advice. From those many have been there done that. If you do not want to open your mind to those who do and have had successful poly relationship and have faced these issues themselves then so be it.

Btw this is internet.. and just like real life not everyone is going to sugarcoat things for you. Sometimes the truth hurts.

I am sorry you are hurting. Learn from it and grow.
 
I didn't think people were judgmental at all.

That said, I've BTDT with hopeless crushes back when I was mono. My only excuse is, I am "old" (57) and was totally unaware of ethical monogamy (outside of swinging) until 1999. So I always tried to hide my crushes (people from real life, and later, online) from my ex-h, to protect him and our relationship.

So anyway, I know how strong a crush can be for a person trying to live by "the rules" of monogamy. I am definitely wired poly, so even if you try to put this genie back in the bottle, if you're like me, it'll just keep popping out again, whether your h "forbids" it to, or not.

If this is important to you, and you want to be fulfilled sexually and emotionally, you'll work out how to be poly, either with your husband, or without him. If you want to live a half life, as a beautiful bird in a cage, go ahead. See how long you can stand it.

Keep reading around the boards here. You'll see what kind of work opening a marriage entails. Be prepared for a good year or two of preparation. If that seems daunting, be brave! It's totally worth it. I just can't believe how happy I am since I learned how to do poly, instead of trying to hide it.
 
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