New to this; Confused

A

AmyGirl85

New member
I have been dating a married man now for a few months. His wife knows about me and says that she is ok with everything. In fact, she is the one who explained to me what polyamory is. I've known her and her husband since we were all in high school; we have been friends for 10+ years.

They have a daughter together and I have a son from a previous relationship. They are around the same age and get along great.

We live separately. They have their own house and I live with my son in another house.

My problem is: I know he is not interested in keeping his marriage going. He has asked for a divorce. But he does not want either of them to move out. He pays the bills and she cleans the house.

She says she is ok with us being together, but when he leaves to spend time with me she acts insanely jealous, constantly messaging one of us, always saying she wishes he would act with her the way he does with me.

She wants more children, he doesn't.

He does not have any attraction to her, but does not want her to leave because of their daughter.

I am sure he is going to ask me to move in with him soon. That is a big commitment.

I just need some advice as to what to do as far as she goes. How can I continue to see him and remain a friend to her? Should we all sit down and talk about it?

What would you do in my situation?
 
Welcome to the forum. You have come to a good place for support and great feedback. I have been an active (and mostly passive for a while) participant here for around 3 years. This is where I come for words of wisdom.

These are my questions for you:
What are your intentions?
The relationship between them is obviously not on firm ground. So what do you expect to happen-- eventually?
What do you hope will happen eventually?
What are your daydreams about this?
What is the best possible outcome?

I challenge you to be honest here and speak what is truly in your heart and mind. Even if you think it is not right or people won't like it, it is important to be really honest about what you expect.
 
idealist said:
What are your intentions? The relationship between them is obviously not on firm ground. What do you expect to happen eventually? What do you hope will happen eventually? What are your daydreams about this? What is the best possible outcome?

I challenge you to be honest here and speak what is truly in your heart and mind. Even if you think it is not right or people won't like it, it is important to be really honest about what you expect.
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I would never make him choose between me and his current family. I know how much his daughter means to him, and if his wife left, she'd go with her. I never expected him to get a divorce, especially because of me. I completely understood that he had prior obligations and that this type of relationship wouldn't be the easiest.

There are two situations that I think about often.

1. I move into their home with my son. He doesn't have to leave to spend time with me, which means he is home more often. This will make her happy. I think she would just find something else to complain about. But we work on this situation to where it benefits all of us equally.

2. Like I said, I don't want him to divorce because of me, or lose his family, but I often wonder what it would be like if he were just mine, if I got to sleep next to him every night instead of once or twice a week, if I got to be the one he comes home to every day after work, if I were the one with his last name.

One thing I hate, and we are going to have to talk about this one, is how she wants to have a sexual relationship with me, as well. We've done the threesome thing, and it was fun, but she wants one-on-one time with me. Kind of a "he sleeps with you, why can't I?" type deal. I don't want that.
 
Although you have known him a while, a dating relationship takes time to develop. It takes between 12 and 18 months of dating someone before you can know if you have a compatible situation. So although you may be thinking that moving in with them is a option in the future, you still have between 10 and 16 months of dating to "feel things out" before making a big decision like that. Keep that in mind.

Then, please do a search here on "cowgirl," because that is what you will be if you get your second scenario.

If you want him to yourself, the healthy way to do that is to stop dating him, wait for him to get a divorce, and after she has moved out, you can date him for a year to two years, and then, if you are still together, you'll get him for yourself.

I understand the idea of "instant gratification," but relationships take time. Take a few deep breaths and get practical.

I didn't even touch on the topic of his wife wanting sex with you, and you not wanting it. I'll leave that for the others.
 
Well, I searched, and it was associated with "homewrecker." I definitely do not want to be labeled as that. I do think that they have a lot of problems they need to work out on their own, but I am also very certain that some of these problems are because I have came into the picture.

Maybe the three of us should sit down and discuss what we want/don't want out of this situation. That way everything would be out in the open and we can work on it and talk about it like adults. I can explain to her that I am not interested in a sexual relationship with her and he can tell her what he wants from her and from me.

We are all really new to this. I have no idea what I am doing. lol
 
The thing of it is, if they are on unstable ground, especially if she wants to preserve the relationship she has with him, and he does only due to his daughter, you are likely a destabilizing addition, although it is not your intention, just the fact of the situation and their messed-up relationship.

Do you think it is possible she consented to poly in hopes that then he won't have reason to leave? Does she have someone else (other than you)?
 
bookbug said:
Do you think it is possible she consented to poly in hopes that then he won't have reason to leave? Does she have someone else (other than you)?
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As far as I know, she does not have anyone else. I know she has been talking to a few guys here and there, but she has made it clear she does not want to have sex with any of them (yet). I know she sends sexual-type texts, pictures and stuff.

She knows he won't leave. In fact, I know he has no intentions of leaving. Physically, I mean. I honestly do not know if they still even have a sexual relationship.

The situation is really complicated and the more I put it in writing, the more complicated it gets, as I read it back. :confused:
 
AmyGirl85 said:
I know he is not interested in keeping his marriage going, and has asked for a divorce, but does not want either of them to move out. He pays the bills and she cleans the house.
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So he wants a divorce, but wants her to stay in the house as a roommate kind of situation? That is daring. I should think that they would have to have a very mature relationship in order for that to work. I'm not saying it is impossible in theory, but judging by her jealousy, I can't imagine it's going to turn out the way he thinks it is going to.

AmyGirl85 said:
She says she is ok with us being together, but when he leaves to spend time with me she acts insanely jealous, constantly messaging one of us, always saying she wishes he would act with her the way he does with me.
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She's offloading her emotional baggage onto you. If he is ok with her doing it to him, that's his issue, but you get to decide what you are going to deal with. Someone guilting me while I'm on a date (or at all) is a big no-no. I am not in the business of taking on other people's emotional issues.

AmyGirl85 said:
She wants more children, he doesn't... He does not have any attraction to her, but does not want her to leave because of their daughter.
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Uh huh... Does she know she's getting a divorce? It sounds like she has been left out of the loop on that decision, or is at the very least confused about what that means.

Before I'd even consider moving into this situation I would need to be very certain that everyone involved understood what was going on and was 100% ok with it. Currently it is painfully evident that Wife has some expectations which do not fit in to the dynamic you and he are talking about.

The one piece of advice I would give you is please don't get financially entangled with unstable people. Wait until you are comfortable with what is happening and then consider it.

AmyGirl85 said:
What would you do in my situation?
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Pump the breaks. There is a collision ahead. I recommend slowing down so you can get a good look before you decide what action you want to take.
 
I've heard it described like this: they've built their house on a poor foundation. Every time a vehicle goes by the whole house shakes, and they're wanting to put a second story on top of this home.

I agree with Marcus on everything.

It doesn't sound like the wife knows that the hubby is talking about divorce. That should be a red flag in everyone's book, serial monogamy, non-monogamy or cheating. Maybe he has said something, maybe he hasn't said anything, maybe he's telling you this and has no intention of following through.

Looking out for the future, I don't know who started the idea about opening their marriage, or why.

The wife is constantly messaging that she wishes the hubby would do with her the things he's doing with you.

The hubby does not sound like the kind of guy to work on things as much as I'd be comfortable with, and that's the guy you're falling for.

She wants children and he doesn't. Added to that, she's not interested in sleeping with other guys. She is interested in having an intimate relationship with you, or another woman, at least.

You are the only reason things are rocky in their relationship. (I don't mean to accuse, you were invited in, you didn't meet him with the intentions of being a homewrecker.)

The wife needs to find a gf for herself.
The hubby needs to be more honest.
You need to keep your distance, otherwise you're inviting a whole world of crazy into your life.

If things settle out between them, then reconsider and see if you're still available to be with hubby. Maybe in that time you'll have found someone else. Maybe the hubby and the wife will have changed their interests and priorities.

The hubby doesn't want kids, the wife does want kids. I applaud that the wife is staying loyal, but it doesn't take much for her to go out and get pregnant with someone else's baby, and then all hell breaks loose. They've got some serious issues to work on.
 
If you value your friendship end it now.

This situation screams train wreck.
 
I agree with Dag. This isn't polyamory, this the end of a marriage and you're in the middle of it. Absolutely DON'T move in with them. There's a lot anger and hurt on her part and you're going to be the object of it as much as he is. She'll be trapped in a home where everything and everybody reminds her constantly of her failed marriage and it will be bad for her as well as you.
 
Are you being friendly or unfriendly to your friend when you date her husband under these conditions?

Are you looking out for your own health well-being, when you date this man under these conditions?

Are you looking out for your kid's health and well-being or not, when you date this man under these conditions?

Are you adding or taking away from your problems in life when you choose to date this man under these conditions?

A man who:

a) Is not yet final in his divorce. Has he even filed? How would you know unless you actually see it in the public record?​
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b) Is unwilling to consider others and minimize pain to them? Is dating a friend of his wife adding to or taking away her pain at this time?​
​
c) Is unwilling to help create an environment that is physically and psychologically clean for all the inhabitants of the home he shares with his soon-to-be-ex wife, and their child?​
​
d) Is willing to invite you to move in to this unhealthy environment and put you and your child's health at risk also?​
​
e) Is willing to date you when even you can see how his wife is still mourning the loss of the marriage. She is not healed from the divorce yet. This does not bode well for him being considerate of you later. It's not really sounding like he is considering your well-being right now either.​
​
f) Is willing to not give your relationship with him a healthy, solid start? But willing to start relationship with you in drama-llama type conditions?​
​

If I were you, I'd note this dude has weak boundaries and pushes other people's limits.

It is ill-considered to be offering himself to you as a dating partner when he's got this kind of baggage tied to him. You dating him might be fun/better for him, but it isn't for you. It is ill-considered to accept him as a dating partner like this. You could RECONSIDER.

It is fresh to ask you to move into his unstable home. What's he after? His own pleasure cookies at your expense? Look how he treats his wife. That's a preview right there.

If I were you, I would tell him, "No, thank you. You could not invite me to participate in things that are less than healthy for me. I prefer to break up and not date you. You are bad for my mental health. I do not want to live with you. I do not want to date you."

Tread carefully.

I don't think "talking it out" here would do much good. He's simply too willing (for my tastes) to not consider the needs and well-being of other people.

If he's a smooth-talkin' smoothie that's weaving a spell, you could see clear here and opt out.

You are bargaining with yourself to see how to make it healthy for everyone-- the very thing he's not caring a whit about. You know this is not healthy like this. You could stop struggling to fly a thing that won't fly true.

You could accept this is not healthy here, and walk away. Breaking up sucks, but continuing it, and saddling yourself with bigger Crazy Town Shenanigans, sucks worse.
 
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All you people warning the OP about a "trainwreck" must have had major "trainwrecks" in your own lives and now you're projecting that baggage onto the OP. Don't you realize this could be considered an ATTACK, and that you are insisting that just because this couple is working through some of their stuff, that you don't really have the right to judge them for opening their marriage to more love and not being perfect human beings. No one else should be allowed to dictate when someone's marriage is "ready" for poly or say thatjust because there are problems that it's on the brink of divorce. There is no wrong way to love each other as long as everyone is over the age of seventeen and a half and has an IQ that is at least in the double digits.

(Also, franklin veaux snuck into my office over the weekend and stole all the used Kleenex and empty V-8 cans that i was saving for a special project. Now i will have to start over again, and i am not feeling any sinus congestion whatsoever. If anyone would like to contribute to the cause, PM me and i'll tell you my address where you can mail me your used Kleenex. It doesn't have to be Kleenex, it can also be the generic brand. Fortunately, i still have plenty of V-8 cans at home. Those sock puppets thought this would finally do it, but you won't get rid of me that easily.)
 
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It's not always projecting our own experiences onto others.

A person doesn't have to be abused to know stay away from a prospective abusive partner, and they'd just as easily tell others to stay away, as well.

When your heart is involved, you wish to imagine the best, that everything is going to work, even if your head says otherwise. You can know that a best friend needs to get out of a bad situation, and still go back home to the same type of situation in your own life.
 
Flear, you're new. Someone else will be along to translate my post for you soon, maybe.
 
BoringGuy's native tongue is sarcasm.
 
Dagferi said:
BoringGuy's native tongue is sarcasm.
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Ooh... so close, yet so far.

I was pretending to be one of the voices in dirtclustit's head.
 
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BoringGuy said:
Ooh so close yet so far.

I was pretending to be one of the voices in dirtclustit's head.
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Where you failed was in being coherent. Also, throw in some pity party lines of "I know this is going to upset people, I should know better and I'm sorry."


-Resident Ghost Writer
 
Vixtoria said:
Where you failed was in being coherent. Also, throw in some pity party lines of "I know this is going to upset people, I should know better and I'm sorry."


-Resident Ghost Writer
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I will endeavor to improve my future performances.
 
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