Steps towards action - pulling off the scab vs waiting

J

JacobJT

New member
My partner and I have been moving towards poly territory. She has the poly leanings. I'm the mono tending guy working on reprogramming my beliefs etc. We've had a few very productive conversations, but also some missteps here and there, which have led to things perhaps seeming closer to us taking action than maybe either one of us is fully ready for? I'm oscillating between ideas of wanting to just push forward faster into action in order to get oriented, and just 'pull off the scab,' so to speak, but then get deathly afraid that I'm not ready and am doing this to relieve the tension.

I really don't want things to blow up in our faces by handling this poorly. We both love and care about one another very much, but also recognize that how this happens could very well be make or break for us.

Does anybody have any thoughts or advice with regards to crossing the threshold into action (we've already talked expectations, boundaries, rules, negotiations, etc.), or in terms of a 'pulling off the scab' approach vs being more cautioned and deliberate and slow? I could really use some help and direction.

It's late and I'm tired, but we'll likely be talking in the morning.

Any advice is much appreciated!
 
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Both start dating people. Abandon most of the rules you've set. They are based on fear.
 
1) I agree with the "start dating people" part. I disagree with the "abandon your rules" part. Your rules are based on your comfort levels, which are subject to your own evolution.

2) Continue discussions with each other throughout your evolution to determine comfort levels, especially seeing as how it's the comfort level/trust you have with each other that's safely gotten you to this point.

3) Have fun.
 
might want to try swinging or gloryholes

until you figure out if you can be a mono and let your SO be poly without it ruining your relationship.

You need to honestly know what you have the most trouble dealing with, because it will be hell without help from your SO and preferably her boyfriends. It's kind of important you know if it's the sex or the emotional closeness with others so that you and your SO can better deal with what's really the problem. So take a lot of time for honest reflection, it is far too easy to not sit with your issues long enough to honestly identify the problem because it isn't fun. Otherwise trying to transition may work better with a don't ask don't tell sort of deal where you never meet or see any of your SO's boy friends. If you are really struggling with letting your partner be more "open" if will be much easier to take if it isn't constantly in your face.

Becareful of trying to play it cool when you are actually having a really hard time, but even that takes some calibrating of your own emotions because if it the transition that was not really hard, every couple would make it through the flames intact, or nobody would try to walk through them.

It is going to take a lot of understanding and patience, and as soon as you feel marginalized or that your SO doesn't really care you are in trouble.

Hopefully anybody either of you date will not be an asshole because it makes a big difference.

Becareful who you let into your lives unless you are out, because if you require discretion and count on the wrong person to not use that against you it could cause problems.

The world is still filled with a lot of unrecognized hate, people ruin other people's lives and are so far out of touch with reality they think they are making the world a better place, we are working on changing that, and the quickest way to deal with unrecognized hate is to speak up any time you see it, not just for poly people, but every situation, religious beliefs, LBGT, race, gender, everything. It is the only effective way to make everything in your personal life much more within your control, at least the things that a person should be able to control anyway
 
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Your rules are based on your comfort levels which are subject to your own evolution.
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They'll give false comfort. Get rid of them. Trust.
 
I'm kind of thinking that's one of those things they'll have to feel out for themselves. Even when you learn that rules aren't as set-in-stone as you think they are when you're making them, they're still a good centerpiece for discussion. Yes, they're not something you want to get hung up on. But if they give you a more structured focal point (which people from more conservative backgrounds tend to need) then they serve the purpose of creating a stabilizing focal point... which understandably is going to shift.
 
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What does "pull the scab off" mean to you? Please explain.

She goes off on a dinner/movie date? If so, chill. This doesn't have to be more than first date kinda stuff, and I'm sure she's gone off to dinner/movies with her friends. You can step in at the shallow end of the pool and make your way across in time. Realize that it takes time for the "new normal" to become normal.


She goes and has casual sex with someone else she doesn't know well? I would not suggest this. Moving too fast too soon is a great way to have things blow up, the very thing you are worried about.
 
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If you try polyamory (or even if you don't), and it's not for you, that's okay. It's okay to be mono while your partner is polyamorous. It may result in a lot of self-work and introspection, but you need to be true to yourself, while your partner does the same.
 
My advice, GO SLOW! Honestly, people are going to tell you get rid of those rules they are fear based. Well they are, but when you are starting out you are scared as hell! We got yelled at horribly, and abusively for 'rules' we set when we started out. It didn't matter what the circumstances, we were told that it was fear and not fair.

Going slow, really helped. The 'rules' went away because by the time they were an issue, we were comfortable. So I think that's what is most important. if it helps, don't think of them as rules. Think of them as, "I dont' know if I'm comfortable with XYZ yet." So you go slow. Just meet people, just do coffee, just talk on phones or internet until you find you are comfortable. When you are nervous, but not scared of X, then move onto X! Slowly but surely you'll find that the rules are gone.

Just understand, if you wait until you are completely comfortable, you won't be. Our rule of thumb has been when we are nervous, but not afraid. You don't get comfortable until after it's happened a few times and you realize it's not nearly as earth shattering as you thought!
 
TRBG said:
(1)I agree with the "start dating people" part. I disagree with the "abandon your rules" part. Your rules are based on your comfort levels which are subject to your own evolution.

(2)Continue discussions with each other throughout your evolution to determine comfort levels, especially seeing as how it's the comfort level/trust you have with each other that's safely gotten you to this point.

(3)Have fun.
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I would add the caveat to #1 that "rules" should be decided for yourself, as if you were dating as a single person, "i have a rule that i pay my own way when i go out to dinner" or "i have a rule that i only take drinks from my own hand instead of letting people feed me shots of Gentleman Jack on an empty stomach after i have already had four Mike's Hard Lemonades.". Things like that; not stupid rules such as "you may not take someone else on a date to the Bridge of Flowers because i took you there first."

I believe that the more compatible you are (whatever that means to a person) and the better FRIENDS you are with your partner(s), the less of a need you will feel to "protect" your relationship with "rules".
 
JacobJT said:
Does anybody have any thoughts or advice with regards to crossing the threshold into action (we've already talked expectations, boundaries, rules, negotiations, etc.), or in terms of a 'pulling off the scab' approach vs being more cautioned and deliberate and slow? I could really use some help and direction. It's late and I'm tired but we'll likely be talking in the morning.

Any advice is much appreciated!
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Have you read Ethical Slut and Opening Up? (books) Have you read a the websites more than two, and practical polyamory?

Does you wife have someone she is interested in locally (or more than one), or does she just plan to join ok cupid and see who pops up?
 
TRBG said:
I'm kind of thinking that's one of those things they'll have to feel out for themselves. Even when you learn that rules aren't as set-in-stone as you think they are when you're making them they're still a good center piece for discussion. Yes, they're not something you want to get hung up on. But if they give you a more structured focal point (which people from more conservative backgrounds tend to need) then they serve the purpose of creating a stabilizing focal point... which understandably is going to shift.
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I agree that people who started out in life being told and believing in the "life script" and being very invested in what other people think tend to believe that rules are necessary no matter what kind of relationship or activity they get involved in. But if you were brought up and lived your whole life viewing marriage as a tool instead of a sacrament, it is very natural to step outside of that box with little to no discomfort.
 
the rules my husband and I had when we first started dating others now make me laugh... and cringe.. and laugh some more.

But the truth is: I don't think we could have gotten to the point where we are now (with very little rules) without that rule-drive period in our lives.

So by all means agree on rules. But also, be very, very prepared to adjust them along the way. No matter how hard you think about or plan this new poly life, the reality is going to be SO different it'll make your head spin. And when your head spins, you sit down together again, look at what you discussed about rules, and adjust. And again, and again, and again.
 
Hi everybody! I appreciate all the advice and continued support, but I was less hoping for feedback on the 'rules' aspect of things.

I'm more looking for advice on knowing when/if (for a couple moving into poly for both of our very first times) it's safe to move into taking action, re:dating. Should we wait till we're both feeling absolutely comfortable with it, or are some fairly strong degree of nerves and tension still par for the course? We only broached the subject two weeks ago but part of me kind of just wants to get the initial shock over with so I'm trying to figure this all out. I made a couple moves that i thought would signal to her I was moving along in my processing of things, and I thought she would be happy about them but she seemed taken aback by where I'm at and it made me wonder how ready she is (she's the poly leaning one more so than me). So I'm trying to figure out if I'm getting ahead of myself!

GalaGirl: we're definitely talking dating right now, baby steps, not full on random casual sex scenarios! Thanks again for your continued help! :)
 
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Additional info: as far as I know she doesn't have anyone in mind right now (this is what she has said), although I gave her the ok to have coffee with an previous casual fling of hers (who currently has a gf but I have no idea where that stands in terms of poly, etc). But she's aware that I've been reaching out to people online in the local poly community, including one woman who's looking to restart a local support group here in town, and now some of that is moving from online to offline and into action. I was letting her know that these connections are purely platonic but we're both aware that there's potential for other things to develop as I begin to communicate with more people. Also neither of us is unattractive, and I think she's aware that the more women I interact with socially the greater the chances of something developing become. She was mainly upset about the way I communicated these activities, that I went from saying 'I might be doing this' or 'I'm thinking of doing this' to then saying 'I'm going to be doing this' (the support group and reaching out/getting involved, etc.). She said she felt out of the loop with how I communicated it, but, I dunno, I'm still confused. We need to talk more but we're also due to just have some one on one hang time too and I'm kind if sick of this poly discussion stuff dominating our times together right now. Is that fairly normal, for poly discussion to take an inordinate amount of attention initially?
 
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I tried to comment on this as well. If you wait until you are both completely comfortable, it will never happen. You can't GET comfortable until things happen and you find out it's not as scary as you thought.

So if you are anxious, nervous and a little worried, move forward, I suggest S L O W L Y.

If you are to the point of throwing up or migraines at just the thought (and I've heard people moving from mono to poly or mono/poly have this problem) then you are going too fast! Slow down!

Communicate, not just on things that are happening but how you feel. Not how someone else is MAKING you feel, because that's not fair and it's putting your emotions on others. There's nothing wrong with saying "I feel horribly anxious." Just not "You going out just made me anxious!" When you hit an emotional bump, think about WHY you feel that way. It's a lot of internal work.

DH likened it to emotional yoga. It was hard, made him anxious, and then we stretched, moved forward, and it was a little better each time. Push boundaries and those things that make you uncomfortable until you are uncomfortable. BUT NOT WHEN IT HURTS! That's when you slow down and pull back.
 
tl;dr

Yes. Do it. Don't wait until you are completely comfortable. If the "scab" (gross analogy for seeking relationships, but hey i just won't date you then) has healed enough so that it has granulated over and won't bleed, then pick i mean rip it off.

Ripping off scabs... Hoo whee.
 
Cleo said:
the rules my husband and I had when we first started dating others now make me laugh... and cringe.. and laugh some more.

But the truth is: I don't think we could have gotten to the point where we are now (with very little rules) without that rule-drive period in our lives.

So by all means agree on rules. But also, be very, very prepared to adjust them along the way. No matter how hard you think about or plan this new poly life, the reality is going to be SO different it'll make your head spin. And when your head spins, you sit down together again, look at what you discussed about rules, and adjust. And again, and again, and again.
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Thanks so much for this Cleo! This totally makes sense to my way of thinking and resonates with our approach. We're trying to do this the right way. It's both our first times with this, and we recognize the potential for it to make or break us, but she feels she is definitely poly and if we DON'T try this is may most definitely break us. But I think we have a very deep relationship with one another based on many shared values as well as deep love and respect, and I'm quite sure we would both be ecstatic if we could make this work together!
 
JacobJT said:
Is that fairly normal, for poly discussion to take an inordinate amount of attention initially?
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For me it was. It got to the point where I got sick of talking ABOUT the relationship and just wanted to be IN it. It got better and easier, though, as time went on. At least for us. :)
 
I'm more looking for advice on knowing when/if (for a couple moving into poly for both of our very first times) it's safe to move into taking action, re:dating.
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Only you know that for sure. More than just the desire to date is on the table. There's time to date, money to date, what else is going on in your life right now, etc. Human and non-human resources.

Like I said, if this is just a one off movie date -- go ahead. Put a toe in the water. If you want to cultivate something bigger though? Could plan first to make the space required for it to go well and assess the skills and resources you each may need.

Like if you have some HUGE thing at work right now, maybe wait til the project is over so your TIME resource isn't so pinched. If you were more experienced maybe that wouldn't be a biggie, but if you are new, waiting til a less stressy time might serve you better. YKWIM?

Maybe this recent post in another thread with links helps you assess where you are at or give you links to think about.

We need to talk more but we're also due to just have some one on one hang time too and I'm kind if sick of this poly discussion stuff dominating our times together right now. Is that fairly normal, for poly discussion to take an inordinate amount of attention initially?
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And how do you see it working out when one of you has another partner? You will need alone time together as well as (her + X) or (you + x) time. This is the same thing. Just that "X" right now is not a person, but polytalks. Set a time aside for it. Friday nights at 8 PM or something.

Practice the time management skills required now.

And yes, it's normal for the new shiny thing to suck up a lot of time/interest because it's a strange new experience. Again, give it time for the "new normal" to become normal. Right now it's "poly talking." Maybe you want that to feel OLD before adding another new thing of "poly dating." There's no RACE here.

Galagirl
 
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