Less than

You sound like you are processing. And yeah -- a lot of that story IS crazy push-pull hot-cold sounding.

I don't blame you for being angry.

If it helps to write it out, so you can let go and move forward -- do what you gotta.

Again... You deserve better than this.

You have worth, dignity, and value.

Galagirl
 
Yes. It was hot and cold, push me away, come back here. Any ounce of attention I got made me hang on. It was not always like that.

I am still confused over what happened. Maybe I was too naive, too easy, and enjoyed the chase. Maybe it's some deep-seated issue implanted in my brain that this was ok behaviour.

I'm sure he has made me out to be a monster with whatever concoction he made up in his head.

Every time there was a disagreement it turned into an argument, which was always grounds for breaking up with me. I have nothing bad or mean to say about him. I just know there is something terribly wrong.

I find writing this stuff down extremely helpful.

He did ask me to write him a poem weeks ago. So when all of this terrible stuff was going on in his life, I wrote him a love letter, trying to be sweet and romantic. He seemed to like that stuff from me. I did it, and I was broken up with, and called passive aggressive. I am in disbelief. I think what he did the other night was the most hurtful act anyone has ever done to me. Is it forgivable? Was it ok?

I did not deserve that. Instead, I waited for the crumbs he would throw me. Any type of attention I got from him, I hung onto.

Also, I am not going to pretend I did nothing. I am not a victim.

Then I would be rejected over and over. I was always there for him. Would he be there for me in a crisis? No!

Now to gather up what little self-worth and esteem I have left.

I will never tell someone I love them or care about them again!

Also, I was not a victim. I will not play that role. I was in this situation because I wanted to be. Now I feel hurt and confused.

It was a drug for me. He was a drug. I needed a fix. I got it. Then the whole thing would replay over and over again until I got my next fix. Now I am in withdrawal. Ha ha. Crazy, isn't it?

Maybe I like to be mistreated in some way. Maybe it's some childhood thing.
 
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You were in love. It takes time to come off that vibe. But there's no need to go beating yourself up over having loved someone who turned out to be unhealthy for you. It happens.

Give yourself the time you need to heal, then move it forward. Next time, you will probably go slower and get a better sense of the person's character before jumping in deeper. It's ok.

Good judgement is sometimes grown from bad experiences.
 
Decisions

Guys will sometimes withdraw from a relationship because they are approaching a point of truth, that they are in the closet about something and do not have the courage to come out. I am not saying that this is going on, but this comes to mind. Issues such as another lover, bisexuality, crossdressing, or various fetishes can drive (more so guys than women, I think) someone so very deep inside. Of course you have no obligation to deal with such issues. Women frequently see the withholding of such deep secrets as a violation of trust, and find that breech of trust more damaging than the issue itself.

Sure, we can say to the guy, "sack up!" But some guys have secrets so deep that it is easier--and more tragic--to carry them to the grave. Obviously, some of these people can benefit from therapy.

Where does this leave you? That fact that you are on this poly forum suggests that you are probably open to some form of polyamory. (Dossie Easton would suggest that a secret affair is still poly, but rather an unethical poly relationship.)

If this guy really is that important to you (and this is when falling in love can really suck!) ask yourself what you would be willing to bear, all the while continuing to search for the issue. If not, I'd suggest that you start weaning yourself from your emotional attachment, then get out.
 
I don't know. I haven't heard from him at all since this last breakup. Apparently he has nothing else to say to me.

I do know for a fact he has withdrawn from other relationships when he is in a emotional crisis. He loved another years ago before I came along. He just stopped talking to her because she kept asking what was wrong. Just like I did. He felt pressured.

I never pressured. I just wanted to know what was up. I honestly didn't do anything to provoke this. At least I don't think I did.

Weeks before, he told me he owned me. That he would be very picky about who I dated and it would be hard for him. Where did that come from? Who knows?

There are lots of things he said that make no sense.

One minute he needs me and is in love with me. The next minute he is treating me like a pal.
 
You could stop trying to figure out his weird and just accept that it is weird. He's not going to give you any answers. Getting closure from him isn't going to be likely. What could you give yourself for closure?
 
GalaGirl said:
You could stop trying to figure out his weird and just accept that it is weird. He's not going to give you any answers. Getting closure from him isn't going to be likely. What could you give yourself for closure?
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And he may not have any answers himself. People with psychological issues, mental illnesses, and personality disorders often do not understand their own behavior. :confused:
 
There is this thing called "Borderline Personality Disorder," (aka, "Borderline") in which a person gets really close, and then, when close becomes too close, pushes you away. Then, when the distance becomes too great, they reel you back in. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseam. I had a borderline friend once (she moved out of state), and our friendship survived through limit setting.

It sounds to me as if you have put an extraordinary effort into trying to make this work. If you are able, maybe it is time to walk away. If you find yourself helplessly in love with the guy and want to manage those emotions better, let me know. I fell in love with a lesbian once and had to find a way to deal with that.
 
Many people have said the same thing about BPD. I don't know. Whatever it is, I somehow provoke this. I get upset because I don't understand it. I think it's time I just let him go because I love him too much to let this continue. All I want is for him to find peace and happiness. That's not with me in the picture. I do know I can't live this way anymore. At times I feel his behaviour is emotionally abusive. I'm not saying he is emotionally abusive, or doing it purposely, that's just what it feels like.

I wish him the best.
 
Feria said:
Many people have said the same thing about BPD... I somehow provoke this.... I think its time I just let him go... All I want is for him to find peace and happiness... At times I feel his behaviour is emotionally abusive. Im not saying he is emotionally abusive or doing it purposely...
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You ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PROVOKE THIS!

A quick rundown:
1. BPDs are moody.
2. They are quick to anger.
3. How they feel is reality, even if it is direct conflict with the facts. Consequently, they often misinterpret or believe things that are not real.
4. Everything and everyone is black and white to them. One day you are the most glorious person on the planet, the next day the most vile - hence the running hot and cold. These transitions are based on their emotions - their internal weather - and have no basis in reality.
5. Lastly, this personality disorder got the name because psychiatrists decided it fell somewhere between neurotic and psychotic. Some borderlines have hallucinations when under stress.

While it is noble of you to want to take responsibility for triggering his behavior, don't even go there. That said, the borderline will try to make you believe without a doubt that everything is your fault and they are totally blameless.
 
If other local people you know are wondering if he's got BPD, that could tell you that something here is not right. Maybe he's got BPD, maybe not. Not everyone is a doctor. But for sure you are not happy with him like this.

Many people have said the same thing about BPD. I don't know. Whatever it is, I somehow provoke this... I don't understand it.
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I am sure it is frustrating to not understand how you provoke it. You probably don't. It's probably him.
I think it's time I just let him go... I love him too much to let this continue... I can't live this way anymore.
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Sounds reasonable. The "push-pull hot-cold" thing doesn't feed you. You are tired of all this. It's ok to leave. It's ok to spend some time processing before moving on.

At times I feel his behaviour is emotionally abusive...
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You sound like you are firm on breaking up. That's good for your mental and emotional well-being. WTG!

But just in case it helps you to stay broken up, and stick to it, since you bring up emotional abuse, you could check this list:

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf

Whether he does those abusive things from "evil" or from "illness" doesn't matter. If he's being abusive toward you, it is still abusive either way. Either way, you do not deserve to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused.

You could keep yourself out of the line of fire.
 
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Well, I found out from him that his wife wants to get remarried and wants only monogamy with him. So he is ending his relationship with me and will no longer be poly. He said he has a special connection with me and wants to remain friends. He is going to suppress his feelings for me. He only wants his wife.

I am in disbelief. I wish he would have figured this out before I got back with him almost two months ago, after a 16-month relationship. I don't know if I should pull my hair out and run screaming. I am very confused and extremely hurt.
 
I'm sorry. It sounds like staying broken up is the way to go, even more so now. Maybe don't try to be friends, especially if he causes you this much mental/emotional anguish. Don't poke your own bear. Give yourself time to heal. Hang in there.
 
Feria said:
I don't know if I should pull my hair out and run screaming. I am very confused and extremely hurt.
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If pulling your hair out and running screaming will help you feel better and/or move forward, then you should go ahead with that.
 
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