Partner getting married

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Qpmomma

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I havn't been on because things have been so crazy! In a good way. My husband and I have been in therapy. Our marriage is as strong as ever! Pan and I have started dating, but we have been going very slow. We've mostly been hanging out and talking. We've been on a few dates. We havn't had any over nights or sex. I still adore her, she's amazing. My husband says he's very fufilled in our relationship. Our sex life has been amazing since all of this. We have a deeper connection and we've been very supportive of each other. He has no desire for a girlfried so I make sure all of his needs are met first. He's met Pan and they have 0 in common. That's ok, I am just impress he was willing to meet her!

Since our new journey has began Pan has gotten back with an okd boyfriend. I am really happy because I can't be there for her like I know she needs. It's nice to know she has some one who makes her happy. Last weekend he asked her to marry him. I know it seems really quick, but my husband and I were married with in a year of our first date. A date hasn't been set yet, but of course she is all giddy and can't wait to plan her wedding. She also wants me to help. She's been asking me if I'll go and help her pick out a dress and do stuff like that. While I do love her and want to help her, I can't help but think this is her and her boyfriend's big day. I feel like I am intruding if I help her.

I know all of this sounds complicated and crazy (it doesn't feel that way to me until I write it lol), but I really need advise. Plus, our families and coworkers don't know we are together. They think we are just really good friends. So this would be interesting to help her but hide our relationship. That part is complicated lol!
 
Qpmomma said:
She's been asking me if I'll go and help her pick out a dress and do stuff like that. While I do love her and want to help her, I can't help but think this is her and her boyfriend's big day. I feel like I am intruding if I help her.
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She has explicitly asked for your input, multiple times, yet you feel that you would be intruding? Can you elaborate on that?

Qpmomma said:
Plus, our families and coworkers don't know we are together. They think we are just really good friends. So this would be interesting to help her but hide our relationship. That part is complicated lol!
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If I don't trust a person to accept my lifestyle I don't invite them to a place where my lifestyle will be on display. The other option is to hide... and I'm not down with that. So I don't have any helpful advice for how to better disguise reality from those who cannot handle reality.
 
We just started dating and I don't think it's anyone's buisness. It's all really new and we want to keep it between us for now.

I guess I just really don't want to inpose on thier big day. I don't know how her fiance feels about me helping her this much. I've met him and we've hung out, but I havn't asked him how he feels. I guess I can start from there.
 
It is pretty typical that the bride asks her bridesmaids to help her with if not the exact plan for the wedding, the execution of the plan. And yes, the bride usually asks one or more of the women she is close to participate in the dressing shopping. So you definitely would not be intruding.
 
Qpmomma said:
We just started dating and I don't think it's anyone's buisness. It's all really new and we want to keep it between us for now.
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I get what you are saying, and I understand the desire to keep your business out of the air waves.

I make a distinction when I need to start actively thinking about how to keep it from people. If that starts to happen I know that something about this plan has gone terribly wrong. I either need to not take part in that event or I need to adjust the guest list.

Note, I am not trying to make a sale (do as you will) - just clarifying my counter opinion.

Qpmomma said:
I guess I just really don't want to inpose on thier big day. I don't know how her fiance feels about me helping her this much. I've met him and we've hung out, but I havn't asked him how he feels. I guess I can start from there.
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Personally I take an explicit invitation at face value. I try to avoid treating people as if they are kids and not capable of considering the possible outcomes of their decisions. Once I start second guessing people and fact checking / getting second opinions I have really stated that I don't have faith in their decision making ability.

I would say this, if you must get his opinion on the matter, do it when you are with both of them. This way, you are not going behind her back and treating her like a kid but you are also giving him the opportunity to voice any concerns. This will help insure that you don't find yourself in between their wishes.
 
Marcus, thank you! You make some really good points. You are right, I should trust in her decision making. After all, she trusts in mine. She has never went to my husband about anything. She has always trusted that I've taken his feelings into consideration. I won't talk to him.

As far as us telling people, I also don't think the right time to tell people we are dating is during her wedding. This event is about them, not about us. My family doesn't know I'm bi either, so this will be a big shock when I say "I'm bi, and I have a girlfriend. Yes, M knows about it." That will be an interesting day.
 
Qpmomma said:
My family doesn't know I'm bi either, so this will be a big shock when I say "I'm bi, and I have a girlfriend. Yes, M knows about it." That will be an interesting day.
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Hahah, maybe leave the car running for a quick gettaway! I find that the way people take news is directly related to the way it is given. Apparently the thing to do is to treat it as if it is no big deal, don't let yourself get flustered, and most people will respond in kind.

I wear my emotion on my skin so this doesn't really work for me - but it's still good advice :)
 
All you have to do is talk with her

because there is always a good way to be completely honest with your friends. From what you've written it does sound like your questioning if it is a good idea that you be so involved is not just a cop out in order to avoid your emotions

and as long as she is not the type of person that would ever play games when it comes to Love, and you are of the same level of maturity, just talk to her and let her know that you would love to be involved because you are happy for her, as that is how people feel when someone the care deeply about is truly happy

either your need for reassurance is just that, a simple need for reassurance and clarity which she will be more than happy to ensure that you understand it is a genuine desire for her to share her life and it's experiences with you.

The is a night and day difference between healthy relationships when your desire to share each other's life is genuine, and when sharing is an attempt to punish you for some unspoken, not dealt with resentment. If there is any question at all, un-involved person's advice will only lead to confusion, if you ignore every irrelevant person's opinion and just speak with her, you will know without any doubt whether or not your friendship is the kind that is priceless and once you know for sure you can move forward and you will understand why sharing your life with others when the genuine caring is mutual, is always worth whatever minor inconvenience or awkwardness is to be over come.

Because you will get over it (whatever confusion you are experiencing) when you speak with her so that you may know the truth.
 
Thank you all!

I think I am using my expierence with my DH (he wasn't keen on me dating in the beginning) and trying to apply it to her BF. They are 2 different people, with different life experiences and think different ways. My husband would have a hard time if I included Pan so deeply in something that was special to us. Hell, he wasn't to keen on my mom's imput on our wedding. But Pan's BF is different. He may be 100% ok with it. I have been over and hung out with them a couple of times and didn't feel I was intruding.

I am way over thinking this, aren't I? Lol
 
I don't see it as intruding at all. She asked you, you're not butting in. The way I see it, it's no different than her asking her best friend.
 
finally a topic I have some experience with!

J was part of my wedding party. He dressed me, did B's nails, undressed me, etc. In no way did our love for one another take away from the love being celebrated by my wedding to B. At times we got funny looks from B's family for the level of affection we showed, but we just went about our business and everyone took it in stride. If you are willing to help her and have the time and energy to do so, you both should find it a very fulfilling experience.
 
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