New poly looking for advice

R

Random223

New member
I am new to being poly. I am having an issue with bleed-over from another relationship.

I am the new partner. I have been put into the primary spot. My partner's old partner of a few years had been bumped down before I was even in the equation. But she tells me that she tells him that he is still her primary.

Yeah, I know. That has been watering down how seriously I take what she says.

He (the secondary) is living with another partner and spends the majority of his time maintaining that relationship, and my partner is struggling with his lies and him not being available for her.

I spend a lot of time doing damage control for the things he does, which is not so bad, but he rarely has to clean up his own mess. Needless to say, I'm trying to be supportive of her and this relationship because they have so much history together. But it is starting to bleed over too much.

Should I be doing damage control for another relationship?
 
Firstly, when you use these terms "primary" and "secondary", what exactly do you mean by them? What I would mean is level of practical entanglement - shared finances, kids, a home - that kind of thing. If I don't have those things with anyone, I don't use them at all. I might say that I am more compatible for a particular type of relationship with one partner than the other but neither partner is primary or secondary because we don't share the things that entangle us in that way.

Some people use these terms to define which relationship, which person, they can love the most, which one is the priority. And that means that any other relationships will involve less emotional availability, less love, so as not to be seen to compete or threaten the primary relationship.

The reason this is important for you is because that means that your relationship with her will be promoted to the primary spot when it's empty and thrust back when it isn't. The thing is, that won't take your feelings into consideration. You will be expected to love completely when the spot is vacant, and love and be loved less when it isn't. Is that what you want?
 
Here's what I get from it. I could be wrong.


  • My metamour spends the majority of his time maintaining his other relationship.
  • My partner (our hinge) is struggling with his lies and him not being available for her.
  • I'm trying to be supportive of her and this relationship because they have so much history together, but I am growing tired of it.
  • Do I continue to be supportive, or do something else?

You could do something else if what you're currently doing is not serving you.

  • Your partner could be going through stages of grief and not at final acceptance. Perhaps this relationship is fizzling. You could talk to her about that, ask her what she needs at this time, then decide if you are willing/able to provide that at this time or not.
  • You could tell you partner that the bleed-over is too overwhelming and you need a break, and encourage her to talk to other people about it, so it's not all on you. You are willing to listen to some, but the load is too big for just you and her to hold it. Encourage her to vent elsewhere also.
  • You could talk to your metamour and ask if he's willing to stop the upsetting behavior (lies).
  • You could do nothing and let time pass and see if new info or new actions occur on their own.
  • You could stop being supportive of this relationship.
  • You could do something else I cannot think of right now.
  • You could mix and match options above.
... which is not so bad, but he rarely has to clean up his own mess.
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It seems like you resent his behavior and/or blame him for the wacky. While this may be so, could there be any behaviors your hinge is doing that you are resenting or growing tired of?

What are your own needs here? For harmony? For this to stop?

Galagirl
 
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Random223 said:
Should I be doing damage control for another relationship?
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No, absolutely not! You should be managing *your* relationships while everyone else manages *their* relationships. That is, unless you enjoy the drama.
 
Thanks for all the perspective. I will elaborate more.

My partner and I live together, share our incomes, and care for each other's basic needs (food, etc.). Although I am new to this, I do not have another partner at this time.

She had been in a love triangle with her other partner, which turned mono, and ended in the near termination of their friendship altogether. He moved his attention to another partner, who in turn thought they were mono, and from what I can tell, does not want a poly relationship. Which is where the lies or misinformation seems to come from, because our shared partner was under the impression that her partner's other partner was aware of their relationship. When our shared partner attempted to develop a friendship with his other partner, she found out that was not true, amongst other things-- empty promises, and various misinformation that is not as important as misleading the two partners.

As far as he and I go, we have a pretty decent friendship. We have a lot of respect for each other in the relationship, and are careful not to step on each other's toes. We do hang out as a group more than they spend time alone, and really he is very helpful for our relationship when he is maintaining his part.

She rarely asks for time from him. Mostly it's just to touch base, or to go spend a few hours together. They date maybe 1 or 2 times a month, but he makes promises for time with her that falls through more often than not.

Since I am her primary, I try to be there for her while she spends days crying over him. I watch her tell herself and me that she is gonna let him go for good. And that is not even accounting for the unintentional projection of her emotions onto me, or the insecurities it creates. basicly i don't even have time to have problems in my side of the relationship. Needless to say, this means I am walking on eggshells instead of being able to manage issues that we need to work on, because she is always having a bad day because of something that is completely out of my control.

Then a few days go by (at this point she has written him off because he avoids her when she gets upset over him) then he just shows up and it's like it never even happened. So I never really know where she stands with him.

I never blame him for her choices and/or emotional response. She is free to choose to hang onto someone that makes her sad. But it is getting exhausting spending 2-3 days out of every week playing clean up, not only for that, but for his other partner's taunts at her as well.

This is my first poly relationship. I'm trying to learn as i go, but I am starting to think I have a bad example to learn from. :confused:

Thanks again for hearing me out, and giving me perspective. Due to the nature of our relationship, a lot of my friends do not/will not understand. I really have no one to turn to for counselling on this matter.
 
London, sorry, I am new to the terms that get used here. I was just reading through and have a basic idea of what they mean. But you bring up a good point. I should find out exactly where I stand with her. She doesn't use the terms that I found on this forum, although similar. She calls me her prime. I suppose I just took that as her central relationship, the one she would spend most of her focus on.
 
Random223 said:
She is free to choose to hang out to someone that makes her sad, but it is getting exhausting spending 2-3 days out of every week playing clean up, not only for that, but for his other partner's taunts at her, as well.
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That sounds exhausting. Do you feel that your relationship with this emotional minefield of a woman is bringing you joy? Or is it mainly just emotionally draining because she's always so moody and you don't know "how to act"?

From this end, it sounds awful.

At some point early into this, I would feel the need to say, "Hey, I realize that relationship is tough for you, but you are honestly a bummer to be around. Are you content living this way? Because it's making me miserable!"


Random223 said:
This is my first poly relationship. I'm trying to learn as i go, but I am starting to think I have a bad example to learn from. :confused:
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Poly relationships are just as likely to be healthy as monogamous relationships are. There are stable people who want healthy relationships and there are emotional disaster-pieces who seem to want nothing but drama. It takes all kinds and poly is no different.
 
Thank you for more details. I will revise my summary then. Again, I could be wrong, but this is how it reads to me now.

  • Your GF discovered her other BF has been lying/cheating on her and his other GF.
  • He lied to your shared GF about being in an honest polyship.
  • He lied to his other GF (that you do not share) and that GF believed she was participating in a monoship. To add insult to injury, this other GF who your shared GF originally tried to be friendly toward is being mean to her.
  • Your GF is now upset. She is flipflopping between breaking it off with him and still hanging on.
  • You are growing tired of the drama.
  • You say you respect the guy, but you also say you are tired of having to clean up after his messes when time and again he fails to follow through on things with GF and she winds up upset. (You could stop respecting him. You could ask GF not to continue to put herself in a position where BF could ding her again.)
  • Because your GF is emotionally exhausted from his shenanigans and her lack of willingness to just end it now, she is not available to tend to your + her issues. You are growing tired of that too, walking on eggshells at home and feeling neglected.


this is my first poly relationship. I'm trying to learn as I go, am starting to think I have a bad example to learn from.
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This is not ethical honest polyamory. This is your GF mixed up with a lying, cheating dude.

My suggestions remain largely the same as above, with only a few additional suggestions:

  • You could ask your GF if she is willing to break up with this guy now, for her own best health, or at least take a break from seeing him for a month so she can get a handle on her upset and not be triggered constantly every day.
  • You could tell her maybe they could work it out later down and get back together then. (Anything is possible. Probable is another story.) Maybe a break from seeing each other now could help her have some peace, rather than chronic upset like this. It is not healthy. Would she like to have peace? Sometimes it is hard for people who are impaired to think straight. Suggest a temporary break. Then she could give herself a chance to make additional choices from a cooler headspace, rather than from an upset place.
  • You could tell the guy he is not welcome to drop by at your home. (It's your house too.) He can meet your GF elsewhere if they want to meet. You could make your GF aware of your intention to do this, so that your shared home is safe from BF just showing up whenever, like nothing happened, to trigger her some more. Home could be a safe haven for both of you.
  • You could tell your partner about your own emotional state. In her upset, (you + her) things are going neglected.
  • If you are at your limit or beyond limit, make your GF aware. Ask her if she is willing/able to pay attention and be present in the (you + her) tier at this time. If not, and you are over this, tell her you want to talk about breaking up with her yourself. The timing is horrible, but if it is never-ending suckage here, you could get yourself out of the line of fire. If she's hellbent on sinking, you don't have to drown too.

I am sorry you are all experiencing this. Your choices are basically to do behaviors that move it forward, or do behaviors that keep it stuck. I suggest taking steps to move it forward.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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Random223 said:
it is getting exhausting spending 2-3 days out of every week playing clean up, not only for that, but for his other partner's taunts at her, as well.
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This isn't a poly issue. It's a co-dependency issue. I suggest 6 Al-Anon meetings in 6 weeks. Good luck! :)
 
idealist said:
This isn't a poly issue. It's a co-dependency issue. I suggest 6 Al-Anon meetings in 6 weeks. Good luck! :)
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I think you hit the nail right on the head, Idealist.
 
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