Whose privilege is it to say "GET OFF MY FOOT"

I did not say you are undesirable, nor did I state any opinion of you or of autistic people. I said it is frustrating to try and have a discussion with someone who continually perseverates. In this thread, you essentially pressed on and on and on again to say the same thing over and over -- basically continually stating your judgments about people who do not manage their communications and relationships the way you do. LR and others in the thread kept feeling you were not understanding what they were saying because you were so off the mark, so they kept trying to explain. Had they realized you were simply perseverating with no purpose but to repeat yourself, they likely would not have felt the need to keep trying. Basically, this could have been a much more productive discussion, if it hadn't become an argument with you that went round and round aimlessly. I wish you no ill will, but thought it prudent to point out what you were doing, for everyone's benefit, including you.
 
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london said:
My metamour wouldn't be staying in my home if their partner wasn't there but if my metamour lit up a cigarette and smoking was forbidden in my home, my first reaction would be to wonder why they don't know this already and then i'd probably say go and smoke in a different, appropriate place. If I knew they had already smoked somewhere inappropriate but it wasn't going on right then, I'd probably leave it and speak to my partner later. I wouldn't go on and on about the rules we have for our home though. I'd be far more concerned about why they don't already know this. I'd want to know why my partner seemingly wasn't maintaining the rules of our home with his guests. If it materialised that they did know the rules and decided to ignore them, that's something he needs to know about his partner.
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THANK YOU!
THIS is exactly what I am talking about.

Sure-I would wonder why it wasn't addressed.
BUT maybe it was addressed and misunderstood.
It doesn't matter.
I would tell them to take it outside by the shed.

NO ONE in this whole thread or any of my vents has said a single solitary word bout going on and on regarding rules.

We simply said-we would talk to any person who something came up with-OURSELF. Not delegating that duty to our mutual partner.
 
RunicWolf said:
So you'd let them walk all over you in your space? You wouldn't go "Excuse me, but can you put that out or go outside please?" first?

Personally if someone comes into my space and does something I don't like I handle it like we're both adults and tell them to stop and not like kids tattling to a teacher. If they don't like it and feel offended they can kiss my behind. Only after the initial situation is handled would I talk to my paramour about it.




Maybe not so much a threat, but if my wife is dating someone I'd like to meet them (and their other SOs if any) to get a feel for them. Not because I feel threatened, no one is taking my wife from me nor me from her, but because I want to know the type of people involved. I'm apparently abnormally good at reading people I've just met and can get a handle on the situation.

tldr; LR I agree with you.
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Thanks-and yes. It's not a "threat" to me either. But we have busy and very entwined lives. Like to know whose joining. ;)
 
Nyc-
I had never heard that term (interesting if it is associated closely with people on the autism spectrum-because I have many people in my world on that spectrum. LOL!

But anyway-I found your explanation and especially the explanation of what it is and what it is not very cool!
 
If you look here, you'll see why I said what I said.

Nowhere did I say that anyone else "goes on and on", I just said that whilst I would more than likely ask said person to smoke somewhere appropriate, I would not explain that this is a house rule and why we don't smoke in the house etc. I'd leave that to my partner. I wouldn't want them to feel lectured by me.
 
Just to point out, my husband (Runic Wolf) does not want to meet the people I'm involved with as a threat nor does he try to control any aspect of our dating lives. He isn't saying that he's a better judge of character than I am, but he is a good judge of character and sometimes asks different questions than I do. We like to meet each other's potentials to see what makes them tick. To see if what they're looking for is compatible with what either of us can realistically offer a partner while working full time and raising a child. Runic Wolf is notoriously bad at figuring out when a date is really attracted to him and wants to pursue more than a friendship. . . if I meet them, I can later point it out to him. Runic Wolf's ex is a great person, but much more than 420 friendly. She has a wide array of health problems that she uses pot to deal with, but her family and close friends also partake to the point of us feeling uncomfortable. Because we were primarily seeing her at our house, it took a while for us to realize.
 
london said:
Some people need entwined relationships with their metamours, to meet them and "get a vibe" in order for them to feel secure and be less likely to feel threatened by their presence in their shared partner's life. Some people don't trust their partner's enough to make wise decisions about their partner's and choose people who are not going to try and cause harm to other relationships. These people will usually insist they meet metamours rather than simply being open to meeting them if the situation should arise. They need to meet them or they feel out of sorts from the lack of control and input they have into their partner's other relationships.
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So the fact that I enjoy my metamour's company as an individual, I like to watch Doctor Who with him, talk about cool sewing projects we're working on, or eat his delicious baked goods is all a cover-up for my underlying insecurity and need to control Auto's life?

Is it really beyond your comprehension that two people who happen to love the same person might actually have enough in common as individuals to become friends?
 
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SchrodingersCat - That was my initial thought too. My metamour is an amazing person in her own right. I pick up one of her books and can't put it down until it's done. I prefer to be friends with my metamours because they're people, not just the OSO of my husband or boyfriend. And I don't mean that in the get to know them so they're less scary kind of way, but in a get to know them so that they know they're cared about, considered, and respected, and important to me.
 
Is it really beyond your comprehension that two people who happen to love the same person might actually have enough in common as individuals to become friends?
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We are going over old ground because I answered that here:

If we happen to meet and really get along well, there is no reason for us not to be friends, but it isn't something that I need.
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There is no reason to put anything in place that requires metamours to meet just because they might have something in common. Of course, they are into the same person, so they must have something, but that doesn't convince me that it's a reason why metamours need to meet. What I hear people saying most often is "you need to meet your metamours so you can vibe them out, and on the plus side, you might gain a new friend".
 
london said:
There is no reason to put anything in place that requires metamours to meet just because they might have something in common. Of course, they are into the same person, so they must have something, but that doesn't convince me that it's a reason why metamours need to meet. What I hear people saying most often is "you need to meet your metamours so you can vibe them out, and on the plus side, you might gain a new friend".
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I make a point of learning a little bit about all the things my partners are interested. In my opinion, that's a nice thing to do when you love someone. That doesn't mean I'm going to become interested and learn everything about it, but it does mean that I'm going to make sure I'm exposed to it at least a little bit. I figure, if my partner has a passion for something, then they will feel nice when I show some interest in it. That's just a loving thing to do.

Now replace "thing" with "person" and you get a good argument for meeting metamours, which has nothing to do with sussing them out and deciding whether or not you approve. I support my partners. To me, support includes "not completely ignoring something they're passionate about."

Of course, some people choose to completely ignore any aspects of their partners' lives that they are not, a priori, interested in. That's a personal choice. But for me, someone who showed zero interest in at least learning a little bit about things I'm passionate about, whether or not they truly give a fuck, would have no place in my life.
 
I choose to participate in a wide variety of activities I have no personal interest in-because my partners have personal interest in them.
USUALLY that participation is limited-not frequent. But sometimes in trying it out I find that it's a blast for me too and becomes common.

Likewise-I participate with my kids friends (and partners) and my siblings friends and partners (and kids) and my parents friends and partners.
Why on earth would I single out my metamours to avoid?
That's silly.

We have family gatherings on a regularly basis at our home of siblings, parents, close friends, grand kids, partners, etc. It's not unusual for guests to bring their friends or out of state visitors to the gathering. It would be HIGHLY BIZARRE to date someone and pointedly UNINVITE them. In fact it would be so bizarre the general community would likely point out the rudeness of doing so.
*general community-not "poly community"

There is no hard rule for us that metamours must meet. But-no one enters our home without being introduced to the people who live in our home. So if they want to spend quality time with one of us during activities when we need to be home-they will meet the rest of us.

If they don't want to meet any of us-that's ok-but they won't be hanging out in our home. It's not "my home" OR "his home" or "his home". It's my home AND his home AND his home (and Sweet Pea's home and Sour Pea's home).
We consider our home our sanctuary. It is my sanctuary. It is Sweet Pea's sanctuary. It is GG's sanctuary. Etc.
We all (children and adults alike) treat it as a sacred place for the safety and well being of anyone living in it. No one who makes the place unsafe is allowed. Period.

It doesn't take much to know how to keep it safe for the other members of the household.
I've had metamours who were welcome anytime without notice and while they are no longer metamours-the welcome stands.
I've had metamours who chose to have nothing to do with any of us except their immediate partner and as such didn't ever come here. That's fine too.

It really is about how much involvement THEY want with the rest of us. But it does impact how much involvement they will have with any of us too. If you want no involvement with Maca's job-you aren't going to see him for at bare minimum 40 hours a week and sometimes upwards of 6 weeks out of 8.
If you want no involvement with his work or his kids-you won't see him more than a couple of hours in any given week and probably not every week.
If you are willing to see him during work-you could see him every day at lunch.
If you are willing to see him with kids-you could see him every evening.
But if you are unwilling to see him if I am around-now you have limited yourself to Wednesday or Saturday evenings, Sunday mornings and lunch. Because-where he is the other times-is the same place I am.

Shrug.
 
If someone comes to the house, sure you'd introduce them to people who are present. If someone new is coming to the home, the people who live there don't have to be there though. More often than not, I'd make sure my partner had quality time alone with his other partners. I certainly would make sure they had the house to themselves the first time someone came over.
 
That would be a novel concept.
I haven't been alone in our house with EITHER of my partners in... shit.... over a year.

Do you have children?

Because we have collectively, 5 children. Only two are left living at home-but one is married-so with her husband included, that makes 6. Of the three+ spouse who don't live here, 2 are in and out at least 3 times a week. The grandsons are here at least 3 days a week as well-and which days rotates around.
My sister-who lived with us for years and frequently helps with the kids and grandkids has her own key-as do all of the kids...
Maca works days, GG works evenings-the kids are home schooled (so no-there isn't an "empty house" during school hours).

So-12 people who could potentially be in and out of the home-NOT INCLUDING ANY NEW POTENTIAL LOVERS........

Regardless of whether or not I chose to "make myself scarce" there is no way we could make sure that NO ONE was here.

I am laughing my ass off over the visuals. Privacy? Yeah-that went out with children. Privacy is a "in a room with a lock on it" concept and even then it's only VISUAL privacy-cause they can still HEAR anything you say or do in there.

So yeah-it's great if you can do that. But that reality isn't even POSSIBLE in our world and won't be for years.
We get couple time at a hotel a few times a year.
 
Funny (true) story.

Maca and I thought we had the house to ourself a few months ago. The two youngest spent the night somewhere, GG was in town visiting friends. No grandkids to watch.

We decided to take advantage of the opportunity and cook breakfast naked. Something we haven't EVER been able to do at home. (we already had 3 kids when we got together).

So-naked as jaybirds-we start up the stairs. I reach the landing near the front door-and it flies open. My son-in-law and grandson coming through the door.
I scream-he screams.
I turn and run down the stairs.
He turns and runs out the front door.
I slam into Maca's naked body-as he's asking "WTF?"
He runs into our daughter on the porch as she's asking "WTF".

um yeah

There is no realistic chance that anyone-me, Maca, GG or any other person who doesn't live here in the first place is going to have the house to themselves.
If a new lover wants that kind of privacy-they can get a hotel room just like we have to.
 
LovingRadiance said:
So-naked as jaybirds-we start up the stairs. I reach the landing near the front door-and it flies open. My son-in-law and grandson coming through the door.
I scream-he screams.
I turn and run down the stairs.
He turns and runs out the front door.
I slam into Maca's naked body-as he's asking "WTF?"
He runs into our daughter on the porch as she's asking "WTF".
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As someone who walks around my apartment nude most of the time, I am cracking up!!!

Years and years ago, two friends of mine lived together as roommates. Two women (both straight). They shared the same small apartment for at least ten years and had become very comfortable walking around the apartment naked. One day, they're both in their living room, with both happening to be naked at the time, when one of them looked out the window to the back alley. Across the way, there was a window to another apartment in the building right behind them. Lo and behold, a man and woman were walking around their apartment naked. My friends giggle and wave. The couple waves back. It becomes a "thing" - everybody comfortably naked in their respective apartments, waving hello to each other, tipping their cup of morning coffee to each other, toasting beverages to each other, smiling and mouthing "hello" to each other. They would all laugh, it felt kind of decadent and fun. That went on for about six months, until...

My friends were at a party in the neighborhood. The host introduces them to a couple. They look familiar... "It's you!" "It's you!" with fingers pointing, mouths agape. There was an awkward silence, nobody knew where to look or what to say. The host didn't know what was going on, and they all walked away and avoided each other at the party. The couple kept the shades drawn from then on.

True story.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I scream-he screams.
I turn and run down the stairs.
He turns and runs out the front door.
I slam into Maca's naked body-as he's asking "WTF?"
He runs into our daughter on the porch as she's asking "WTF".
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If you've never written a screenplay in your life, you have missed your calling. Holy crap, am I laughing at the visual. :D

NYC, it's too bad they felt uncomfortable after establishing something that was fun and comfortable at the time. I enjoyed the description of the nekked morning cuppa.

LR, your story reminds me of one that happened here, actually, although I wasn't home for it.
P was in the kitchen cooking and decided to cook nekked. My best friend since elementary school and her youngest son were coming up for the night, and I think I neglected to tell P when she'd be arriving. Oops.

P's in the kitchen, in the buff, hears a car, and runs upstairs. My friend R thought she saw the top of his head thru the window, and just let herself in the house, talking to him as she (and her son) walked in... and saw nobody.

Freaked her out until he walks down the stairs, pulling up some pajama pants.
Apparently, I should have let him know when she'd be coming, and I should have let her know that he was going to be there.
Oopsie (giggle).
 
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Nyc-
that's funny! It's sad that they were awkward after-but funny story!

Thankfully-my son-in-law is easy going. We all joke about it now (it was last winter).

The funny thing is-I am totally comfortable being naked-I worked as a stripper for 4 years and it just doesn't bother me.

But-it does bother Maca and GG-they don't enjoy being naked in a group. Hell-GG doesn't enjoy being naked except to shower and for sex. But I digress!!

The point of course being-there isn't an opportunity to have full privacy in the house. Even the kids know-take it to your room. LOL!
 
YouAreHere said:
If you've never written a screenplay in your life, you have missed your calling. Holy crap, am I laughing at the visual. :D
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No screenplays. I do write stories. I have been complimented on my writing ability. I never really realized there was any sort of gift there-until I returned to college and realized how few people know how to create a visual with words.
I credit my father. He CAN NOT "keep it simple". He has to describe every damn detail of every damn thing surrounding the idea of whatever the hell he is trying to tell you. Whilst it can be HIGHLY annoying-it did teach me a LOT of descriptive words for all sorts of different scenarios. It also taught me how much easier it is to "stay tuned" if it is visual.
;)
 
Do you have children?
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I have a child, yes. A child that I wouldn't dream of involving in my adult romantic relationships of any kind for at least a year of dating someone. So yeah, in your situation, I'd probably stick to swinging, date people who can host, or go to hotels. I believe in quality couple time. I have my own very large and loud extended family to spend time with, it seems bizarre to leave my family to go and spend time with someone else's grandkids. I want my free time to be filled with adult company, bonding and filthy sex. I have my own kid to build tents with. I don't want those kind of entwined relationships with metamours particularly in the early dating stage - especially whilst I am still deciding how I feel about the guy, and I believe that kids shouldn't be involved in their parents adult relationships at all for months and months and months. So altogether, that whole set up is everything I am fundamentally against in polyamory. Thanks though, it gives me another angle to investigate what expectations any married or attached guys have in terms of allowing us to develop an adult romantic and/or sexual relationship. I simply couldn't under those sorts of conditions.
 
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