Poly possibly going "committed"? Help!

N

Neutralwind

New member
Well, first off, let me say I just created an account here today and this is my first post. I had this problem going through my mind all day at work today, and slightly (but not as intense) a week prior.

Let me rewind it back. I ended a bad relationship with my last ex 2 years ago, and it made me change my views on "marriage/handfasting" (yes, I'm pagan) and monogamy, and decided polyamory was the most logical lifestyle for a human to live. (I believed in it, so to speak, but never practiced it.)

I am a man, btw, and am almost 6 months into a relationship with a woman. We are both poly (even though she is my only girlfriend, she has another man a state away) but these 6 months things have been beyond terrific. I've never felt such love and respect from a person before.
But... the thought occurred to me today that if this relationship continues to develop as lovely as it has, in a few years I will want more than this. I would be happy to advance our relationship further, and if possible, marry her. But... this is poly! Why am I thinking this? It's what I feel, so I shouldn't hide it, but if the relationship is going to plateau, so to speak, will this be it?

How do couples in poly who are feverishly in love marry, and keep a poly relationship working?

I'm talking to her about it tomorrow.

I'm not wanting to marry her now, no. I just know I could someday, if this stays as growthful as it is. Thus the problem.
 
Not sure where you are confused.

Lots of married folks accept and recognize that they can have that special feeling with more than one person....
 
I'm just worried (since this is my first poly relationship) that the relationship someday may hit a point where I try to advance it, and it is rejected due to her never wanting commitment. I fully support her and her other relationship. (I'm friends with the man, great guy.) But is it common for people to plateau poly relationships and keep them just as "dating"?
 
I don't think there is a "normal" in poly. For example, my boyfriend, my husband and I live together, and have raised our kids, and are now helping with and enjoying our grandkids. I've been with my bf for 20 years and my husband 15.

Some people plateau at dating, I suppose. But not everyone, by any means.
 
Why do you think polyamory means "doesn't want commitment"? It's only since I have embraced being poly that I can even think about stuff like marriage without having a panic attack.
 
By "commitment" do you mean "monogamy"? If not, why do you see commitment as incompatible with polyamory?
 
Hi, and welcome.

In a few years, you'll want more. More means what? Also, the assumption is in a few years she'll want (more) and will marry you, vs Steve or Joe. Then you've got the whole hierarchy thing to deal with.


LR, that's a little misleading on your history. You're painting a 20-yr poly history... left out the cheating, etc.
 
Neutralwind said:
I've never felt such love and respect from a person before.
The thought occurred to me today that if this relationship continues to develop as lovely as it has, in a few years I will want more than this.
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Were you under the misconception that polyamorous relationships by definition cannot be committed? Polyamory isn't a stop along the way to more serious commitments. It simply means that you love more than one person. You can have commitments with more than one person. So, what is the problem?

Also, I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. You've only been seeing this woman less than six months. No need to freak out about the future this early in a relationship. You're still just getting to know each other. Chill. :)
 
Neutralwind said:
But this is poly! Why am I thinking this?
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As with any major worldview shift, I find that a lot of assumptions get grandfathered in, and I can find myself behaving in a way that is no longer in line with my current ideals.

Jealousy is one of those things most have to deal with as they begin to live a more poly-centric lifestyle. Jealousy, like many of these other grandfathered ideas and reactions, is simply something that needs to be experienced, intellectualized, and then move on with the decision that comes out of the consideration.

The concept of "the next level" and marriage is another of these concepts which don't apply to me anymore.

I personally find the official ranking of relationships to be something to avoid. Marriage is a big one. When the relationship is among equals, with everyone going about their lives, no one needs to be given a rank or insignia to prove their love. This is where I want to be. Taking this fantastic relationship and putting external legal pressure and a rank on it sounds like the very worst idea.

BUT!! This is because independence is a core ideal for me when it comes to relating (romantically or otherwise). Polyamory is simply multiple loves (or at least the potential of them), and is in no way descriptive of the nuances of relating within a particular pair. Some people find the ranks of hierarchy and symbols demonstrating "commitment" to be of high value. I find them to be destructive and antithetical to who I am.

It all depends on the chef.

Neutralwind said:
But if the relationship is going to plateau, so to speak, will this be it?
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What would this next level be like? Will it add some element that is currently missing from your relationship? Or are you simply falling victim to the traditional inertia which should end with the two of you in marriage?

Neutralwind said:
How do [poly] couples who are feverishly in love marry and keep a poly relationship working?
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I keep my relationship working by not looking at it as something I need to keep working. A "relationship" is just people relating to each other, sometimes sharing expenses, sharing space, having dogs, kids, etc. The idea that the relationship is some third entity which needs special attention is just a distraction, in my opinion. Focus on living your life, being kind, taking responsibility for your actions, being assertive in expressing your desires. "The relationship" will take care of itself.
 
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P and I are handfasted, and he and his OSO have also handfasted. He's committed to the both of us. I'm good with that.

You'll find your normal. Just give it time. :)
 
Marriage is a legal contract. I would suggest reading the laws of your state/province/country regarding marriage, and then think about whether you want to make that kind of contract with someone. Would that benefit you in some way? Also, some states/countries have laws against poly living (bigamy, adolescents). Find out about those and then think again. In many places only legal marriage will have you in collision course with the laws if practising poly. Also, I would recommend knowing about divorce laws before the marriage. Relationships do not necessarily last forever.

I myself married my husband after that kind of consideration. There was no less commitment before the marriage. We just found some of the legal stuff to be beneficial for us.
 
I am only legally married for the health benefits. Butch is a government employee and the benefits are awesome.

A piece of paper from the government bears no designation on my commitment, or the depth of my love for either man in my life.
 
I am poly, and only interested in committed relationships.

If she does not want any commitments, and you do, then yes, this is a problem. This has nothing to do with polyamory. If you wanted commitment, and she didn't, and it was monogamy, it would be the same-- an incompatibility issue.

If you don't know how she stands on commitment, ask her. Talk about it. Tell her you want relationships to go wherever they will, possibly until such common "milestones" as moving together, raising children together, or getting married.

Your only problem here is you'll only be legally married to one person at a time. But there are many poly people who consider more than one person their spouse. Some are legally married to one of them, some are legally married to none. Figure for yourself how you would feel about that, then talk with her, both to let her know your point of view on the matter and to figure out hers.

While you're at it, also figure out how you feel about her having other committed relationships, other husbands, how you would feel with living with one of them if they want to live together, etc. It's possible that none of it will happen, but if she's on the same page with you she might want the same thing for herself.
 
dingedheart said:
In a few yrs you'll want more. More means what? Also, the assumption is that in a few yrs she'll want more, and marry you, vs Steve or joe. Then you got the whole hierarchy thing to deal with.


LR, that's a little misleading on your history. You're painting a 20-yr poly history... left out the cheating, etc.
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I refuse to retype it all via my phone, dinged, but I figure it's all written here, and I log in by computer frequently enough to rehash details. At any rate, yes, I did cheat, and that is how we got to the term polyamory, and opting to change our lifestyle to a fully honest one. But we were already living together long before Maca and I married. We were co-raising children. ;)
 
To steal a line from Tom Robbins, "Marriage isn't a synonym for monogamy any more than monogamy is a synonym for ideal love."

I'm married. I married my husband because I chose to privilege that relationship in certain ways -- not to make it 'better' than any other relationships I have, but to make it in some ways a different kind of relationship. A lot of that is about the legal binding and entertwining of our lives; he's on my health insurance, he can travel with me for work when I work outside the country, we've committed to being the shared legal and biological parents of our children. Most of the reasons that I can only share those things with one person have to do with culture and laws, but we decided to go with that when we got married. We chose that the two of us are going to build a certain kind of family together and share our dreams in certain ways.

We did not say that we were going to commit only to one another. We're not into trying to yardstick our feelings or commitment levels or emotions. There are absolutely certain ways in which my relationships outside of my marriage are privileged that my marriage is not. Every relationship is different, and is going to get its own set of privileges and drawbacks, and take up its own space in your life. Don't try to box things in before they've even begun.
 
Neutralwind said:
I'm just worried (since this is my first poly relationship) that the relationship someday may hit a point where I try to advance it and it is rejected due to her never wanting commitment. I fully support her and her other relationship... Is it common for people to plateau poly relationships and keep them just as "dating"?
Click to expand...

I don't consider being poly to be never wanting commitment. I feel committed to both my husband and my boyfriend for different reasons. My husband and I share a home, finances, children, a long relationship, and the agreement to strive to never divorce, so we are married, although we were married before practicing polyamory.

My boyfriend Nudge-- I feel committed to being with him, meeting his needs, etc. I actually am so satisfied with the two of them that I'm interested in nothing else. But I fully believe in a poly lifestyle. Does wanting solely two make me any "less" poly?

I don't think wanting to marry someone means you don't want to be poly, or not. But maybe look to yourself if the need for it comes from any insecurity. You can have a lot of the things I've just said without being married.

When I'm feeling insecure, I want Nudge to forsake dating (he's married) so I'm the *only* girlfriend, but that's my problem. not his.
 
Thank you, everyone, for the feedback. My first post may have come off incoherent and well... jumbly, but the issue is resolved. I learned I was generalizing polyamory as a "no commitment" thing. I learned that everyone's form of polyamory is different and has their own unique rules.

My partner and I talked and it's settled. Long story short, I work a lot, and Sat/Sun is our only time together. A friend of hers made a comment that made me feel like "Mr. Weekend" and nothing more, and thus made me make assumptions that I knew were wrong and would never happen with the trust I have for her.

As for the marriage issue, I was not, by any means, wanting to take that leap yet. I just wanted to know if she had closed the option off in her life. (I got my answer.)

I'm glad everyone here is very willing to help and endure poly "first timers" like myself. The help does not go unappreciated.

Btw, how does one close a topic once resolved? I can't find the option. Moderators only can, I guess?
 
They are generally left open. You don't have to keep track of it if you don't want to.
 
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