Does it help to ask him to back off?

[Mic]

Ash is a guy who has been with me for two years. Bex is a girl he met half a year ago. I'm in a relationship with Bex too, but she is closer to Ash than me. I'm hurt when they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her. Should I ask him to back off? If so, I feel very guilty and pressed to improve on polyamory. If not, I'm hurt and worried. What do you think?

 

[london]

I don't think you should ask Ash to back off. I think you should reexamine why you are in a polyamorous relationship, if this triad would be better off as a V, and why you don't feel secure in your relationship with Ash.

 

[Numina]

Ash is a guy who has been with me for two years. Bex is a girl he met half a year ago. I'm in a relationship with Bex too, but she is closer to Ash than me. I'm hurt when they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her. Should I ask him to back off? If so, I feel very guilty and pressed to improve on polyamory. If not, I'm hurt and worried. What do you think?

It seems to me you could benefit from some self-exploration and research into topics that relate to relationships in general, polyamory, and to your specific situation.

Here are a couple places I suggest you start. I found all of them via the great people in this forum, and have found the information to be valuable.

Morethantwo-perhaps start with the jealous sections, but really everything at this site is worth reading at least once.

and Polyinthepond.

I don't advocate asking him to "back off" (which is not a clearly defined request). But you might ask for what you need to not feel so uncomfortable.

I suggest asking for partner care from both of them. Let them both know this is making you uncomfortable. Talk to them and work at finding the reason(s) why it makes you uncomfortable. Asking for less PDA in front of you for a short time (a week or two) is understandable while you work through this issue, but more than that could cause unhealthy strain between the three of you, and create resentment.

Asking and negotiating for what you need is okay, as long as you acknowledge to them that you see what you are asking for is going to be hard for them, and you show them that you are working on understanding how you feel. I am guessing that this is coming up because of a dose of NRE between Ash and Bex. If so, then this article might help you.

I wish you luck in working this out for yourself and for your relationships.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ash has been dating you for two years.
Ash has been dating Bex for six months.

You've been dating Bex for how long?

I'm hurt when they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her.

What is causing the hurt? What would you like instead?

Ash showing you that he likes you too?
Bex showing you that she likes you too?
Not to have to witness it in front of you at this time?
Something else?
Could you elaborate?

Galagirl

 

[Mic]

Ash has been dating you for two years.
Ash has been dating Bex for six months.
You've been dating Bex for how long?

What is causing the hurt? What would you like instead?

Ash showing you that he likes you too?
Bex showing you that she likes you too?
Not to have to witness it in front of you at this time?
Something else?

Ash and I have together for two years. We are very much in love, but there are many fights between us.

Ash and Bex started to date six months ago when I was in another country. I was not ready for Ash to meet others at that moment, but he forced it, regardless of how hurt I was. After one month, I came back and met Bex. I found her lovely and we got intimate. Then we three hung out. I felt fluid love among us. We all show affection to each other, but still sometimes I found it very difficult to see Ash showing affection for Bex. And I felt Bex was more interested in Ashe, even she said that she liked him and me the same. I felt left out easily when they were showing affection for each other. At some stage, when we spent several days constantly together, it became too much to take. I got overly sensitive and became emotional.

Two weeks after I met Bex, she went back to her country. We sent emails or Skyped sometimes when she was in her country. Now she has come back. (Probably she will go back to her country in two or three months.) I'm very worried that they will force me to accept things I don't like and that I'm gonna feel left out when we're together.

But because we are all in a relationship, and I do like her too, it's easier for me to have compersion for them. But I'm overly sensitive. I need them to do things at my pace. For example, I'm ready for them to spend an afternoon alone. If I find everything fine, I may be more open.

Now Ash is in another country for maybe two months. I will meet him there for two weeks. Bex has proposed to meet him there alone for several days.

If they spent one night together now, I would feel left out and sad that I'm alone. If they force to do so, I will hate them. If they spend several days together, I will feel constantly worried, unconnected, resentful that I can't meet Ash because we are not in the same country now. I may become extremely emotional.

So I asked Bex not to meet Ash in the other country, but to meet me more alone, to get closer, so that the relationship between us three will be balanced. She agreed, but then I heard from another friend that Bex told him that I prevent her from meeting Ash. Maybe the way we communicated was not good because I misunderstood her English and got freaked out. Now I feel very guilty to ask that. I don't know whether I can trust Bex that she will not do things that hurt me even she said so. Ash is patient and would like to back off, but I am worried how long he can do this, because I saw him feel very desperate and hopeless.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ash and I are together for two years. We are very much in love, but there are many fights between us. Ash and Bex started to date six months ago when I was in another country. I was not ready for Ash to meet others at that moment, but he forced it, regardless of how hurt I was. After one month I came back and met Bex. I found her lovely and we got intimate. Then we three hung out. I felt fluid love among us. We all showed affection to each other. But still sometimes I found it very difficult to see Ash showing affection to Bex.

So, has Ash apologized for this past behavior, the lack of care/concern/kindness/affection for you that are still unresolved issues between you and him, which now makes it hard for you to watch him demonstrate care/concern/kindness/affection toward Bex?

You see that he is able to do it. He's just did not do it towards you in the past. Maybe you want him to be doing it now. Is that where this is?

If so, you could stop blocking Bex in the (Bex+Ash) relationship development because you envy what she is getting from Ash. Stopping her from getting it doesn't mean it will automatically flow to you. Ash might start giving it to his car instead!

You could focus on improving the (you+Ash) relationship, and solving these past issues so you can feel okay. Ask him straight up for what you need in the (you+Ash) relationship. See if that serves you better.

Good luck,
Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

Ash who has been with me for two years. He met Bex a half a year ago. I'm in a relationship with Bex too, but she is closer to Ash than me. I'm hurt when they get intimate and when he shows that he likes her. Should I ask him to back off? If so, I feel very guilty and pressed to improve on polyamory. If not I'm hurt and worried. What do you think?

In my opinion, you need to work out your own stuff. I'm assuming Bex is Ash's girlfriend. Of course he likes her and is going to show it. If it bothers you that Bex is closer to Ash than to you, perhaps you should find another partner of your own.

 

[Marcus]

Bex even she said that she liked Ash and me the same, so that the relationship between us three would be balanced.

This is fantasy. Every relationship I have with a human is unique to that human. Trying to convince myself that they are "the same" is an exercise in futility.

You expecting that you should be loved "equally" or "the same" or "balanced" as your partner loves someone else (if indeed that is your expectation) is going to continue to provide frustration for you. Instead, try to shape your language for something closer to "my relationship to him is unique, and I am glad he is in my life," and let go of what someone else is getting. Envy is not the friend of a healthy and flourishing relationship (romantic or otherwise).

I felt left out when they were showing affection to each other. If they spend one night together now, I feel left out and sad that I'm alone. If they spend several days together, I will be constantly worried and unconnected, resentful that I csdn't meet Ash because we are not in the same country. I may become extremely emotional.

This is the fear of abandonment and an apparent inability to be alone. You could focus on making yourself into a person whose skin you are comfortable in. There is no universal formula for improving self image and independence, but here are some ideas:

• Improve your social circle so that you are not depending on your lovers to entertain you.
• Get a hobby which you enjoy and helps you feel like you are being productive.
• Seek therapy to help shift your worldview to a more self-sufficient emotional approach.

If they force me to do so, I will hate them.

Take responsibility for your own decisions. If they decide they want to spend time together, regardless of your wishes to the contrary, you get to decide how you respond. Control your actions and feelings, and avoid focusing on what they are doing.

 

[Mic]

Lack of care/concern/kindness/affection for you that are still unresolved issues between you and A? You see that he is able to do it. He just did not do it to you in the past. Maybe you want him to be doing it now.

Ash id naturally poly. He never feels jealous. He thought he should do whatever he wanted, even if I felt bad, because he was afraid if he did as I wanted, I would develop a "monogamous illusion." I would say he wasn't patient because of his bad experience before. (After six years of patiently waiting, a girl broke up with him after he met me.) I can understand that. But it still hurt me, and he never apologized for his lack of patience with me in the past.

Recently he realized that his strategy didn't work; it just wasted time. I couldn't develop desire for polyamory while I was worried about being forced constantly. So he changed his strategy and became more much patient. He is willing to do things at my pace.

He agreed not to meet Bex abroad. He even told me that he could break up with her if I felt really bad. What he said makes me much more relaxed. I have some space to improve at my own pace now.

Which now makes it hard for you to watch Ash demonstrate care/concern/kindness/affection toward Bex.

The reason why I don't feel good seeing Ash and Bex showing affection to each other is-- I feel left out when they do so for a long time. I'm dependent on his affection.

 

[Flowerchild]

Um, yeah

So I ask B not to meet A in another country but meet me more alone to get closer so that the relationship between us three will be balanced. She agreed but then I heard from another friend that B told him that I prevent her from meeting A.

You just admitted you were preventing her from meeting A. IMO, she is being very patient with you, but she likely will move on from B if her relationship with him is dependent on you. Most poly people don't put up with outside partners controlling the pace and depth of their relationships.

 

[london]

A is someone who's naturally poly and never felt jealous. He thought he should do whatever he wanted even I felt bad because he was afraid if he did as I wanted, I would develop monogamous illusion. I would say he wasn't patient because of his bad experience before. (after 6 years patiently waiting, the girl broke up with him after he met me ) I can understand that. But it still hurt me and he never apologized for his lack of patience with me in the past.

He shouldn't have to be. Once you agree to have a non monogamous relationship with a non monogamous person, that should be it. No waiting around for anyone. If you don't like it, don't agree to it.

The reason why I don't feel good to see A and B showing affection to each other, I feel left out when they do so for a long time. I'm dependent on his affection.

Do you ever think that if you feel like this, she might feel like this too? And because she might feel like that too, do you limit your affection with your partner?

 

[Mic]

You just admitted you were preventing her from meeting A. IMO, she is being very patient with you, but she likely will move on from B if her relationship with him is dependent on you. Most poly people don't put up with outside partners controlling the pace and depth of their relationships.

Then she will decide.

 

[Mic]

He shouldn't have to be. Once you agree to have a non-monogamous relationship with a non-monogamous person, that should be it. No waiting around for anyone. If you don't like it, don't agree to it.

Do you ever think that if you feel like this, she might feel like this too? And because she might feel like this too, do you limit your affection with your partner?

So what do you think I should do now? Break up with Ash, while he agreed to be patient, so that Bex feels equal?

 

[YouAreHere]

He shouldn't have to be. Once you agree to have a non-monogamous relationship with a non-monogamous person, that should be it. No waiting around for anyone. If you don't like it, don't agree to it.

In my experience, while I could logically understand what I was getting into, I had no idea what I was in for emotionally. It's easy to say that I agreed to it, so I should have just sucked it up, but there's definitely a learning curve involved if you've had no prior experience.

 

[Mic]

It seems to me you could benefit from some self-explorations, and research into topics that relate to relationships in general, poly, and to your specific situation.

Here are a couple places I suggest you start. I found all of them via the great people in this forum, and have found the information to be valuable.

Morethantwo- perhaps start with the jealous sections, but really, everything at this site is worth reading at least once.

and Polyinthepond.

Thank you very much. This is very useful for me to improve in polyamory.

I don't advocate asking him to "back off" (which is not a clearly defined request). But you might ask for what you need to not feel so uncomfortable.

I suggest asking for partner care from both of them. Let them both know this is making you uncomfortable. Talk to them and work on finding the reason WHY it makes you uncomfortable. Asking for less PDA in front of you for a short time (a week or two) is understandable while you work through this issue, but more than that could cause unhealthy strain between the three of you, and create resentment.

Asking and negotiating for what you need is ok, as long as you acknowledge to them that you see what you are asking for is going to be hard for them, and you show them that you are working on understanding how you feel. I am guessing that this is coming up because of a dose of NRE between Ash and Bex. If so, then this article might help you.

I wish you luck in working this out for yourself, and for your relationships.

I asked Bex to meet me, instead of meeting Ash for several days in another country, so that I can get closer to her. Then I will feel less left out when we are us three.

I feel bad because I'm dependent on Ash's affection. I'm afraid that I can't change that in a short time.

 

[MonoMale]

In my experience, while I could logically understand what I was getting into, I had no idea what I was in for emotionally. It's easy to say that I agreed to it, so I should have just sucked it up, but there's definitely a learning curve involved if you've had no prior experience.

Absolutely. The theoretical side of anything is easy to grasp. But the real test comes when you are in a real situation. I can easily point to martial arts as an example of the application being much harder than the theory, which everyone gets easily. A learning curve cannot be avoided and mistakes will be made. Different people obviously learn at different rates in any given thing, whether it's non-monogamy, science or some other skill.

 

[london]

I was asking whether you had ever considered limiting your affection/contact with Ash so Bex didn't feel left out. If Bex asked you not to see Ash for a while until she felt reconnected with him, would you do it?

Here is what I think:

You are the one with the issues here. Not Ash, not Bex. You cannot handle being in a polyamorous relationship. That is what you have to own. You want to be more important, more valued, superior to Bex. You want Ash to treat Bex badly to help you solve your issues with a relationship dynamic you agreed to. That is unreasonable. Ash sounds like he is happily polyamorous. You are not happily polyamorous. In an ideal world, Ash would probably like to be happily polyamorous with you, but you cannot deal with him having another partner. That means that you are incompatible with Ash.

 

[Mic]

This is fantasy. Every relationship I have with a human is unique to that human. Trying to convince myself that they are "the same" is an exercise in futility.

You expecting that you should be loved "equally" or "the same" or "balanced" as your partner loves someone else (if indeed that is your expectation) is going to continue to provide frustration for you. Instead, try to shape your language for something closer to "my relationship to him is unique, and I am glad he is in my life," and let go of what someone else is getting. Envy is not the friend of a healthy and flourishing relationship (romantic or otherwise).

That's right. It's not healthy to expect "equal." By say "the same" I mean the same quantity, not necessarily the same aspect. Actually, I asked Bex to spend more time with me because it's easier for me to have compersion for people who are close to me. (For example, I have a brother and sister, but I'm never jealous of my parents' love for them because I love my sister and brother, as well.)

This is fear of abandonment and an apparent inability to "be alone."

Instead, focus on making yourself into a person whose skin you are comfortable in. There is no universal formula for improving self image and independence, but here are some ideas:

• Improve your social circle so that you are not depending on your lovers to entertain you.
• Get a hobby which you enjoy and helps you feel like you are being productive.
• Seek therapy to help shift your worldview to a more self-sufficient emotional approach.

This is very useful. Recently I have been focusing on being independent and developing compersion.

Take responsibility for your own decisions. If they decide they want to spend time together, regardless of your wishes to the contrary, you get to decide how you respond. Control your actions and feelings, and avoid focusing on what they are doing.

Finally Ash decided to be patient with me. He even said that he would break up with Bex if I felt really bad. I don't want that; I just want things to be smooth. His support makes me feel very relaxed and very willing to improve myself in polyamory. But I feel guilty about Bex.

 

[Mic]

In my experience, while I could logically understand what I was getting into, I had no idea what I was in for emotionally. It's easy to say that I agreed to it, so I should have just sucked it up, but there's definitely a learning curve involved if you've had no prior experience.

Exactly.

 

[Mic]

What I was asking if is whether you have ever considered limiting your affection/contact with your partner so Bex didn't feel left out? If Bex asked you not to see Ash for a while until she felt reconnected with him, would you do it?

Here is what I think:

You are the one with the issues here. Not Ash, not Bex. You cannot handle being in a polyamorous relationship. That is what you have to own. You want to be more important, more valued, superior to Bex. You want Ash to treat Bex badly to help you solve your issues with a relationship dynamic you agreed to. That is unreasonable. Ash sounds like he is happily polyamorous. You are not happily polyamorous. In an ideal world, Ash would probably like to be happily polyamorous with you, but you cannot deal with him having another partner. That means that you are incompatible with Ash.

So what do you think I should do?