Is it wrong to cancel a first date because he's not tall enough?

[Piroska]

Interestingly, I have the opposite view of online dating versus in person. (I use OKCupid and Fetlife, not sure if the other sites are the same way.) But being able to read about a person, their views on lots of things (particularly on OKCupid, where there are thousands of potential questions people can answer) seems to be a better chance to find someone who you would actually connect with. For example, I can read the profiles of a number of people, and if they say, for example, that they'd never be in an open or poly relationship, that kink is not their thing, that they think erotica is gross, and they prefer reality TV to books, I know that I shouldn't bother contacting them, regardless of how physically attractive they may be. Whereas if someone is very interested in similar things to me, has similar relational styles, and we can start a conversation about sci-fi books we both love, I have much less concern over physical appearance. But if we had met in person first, it would be harder to suss out differences in basic compatibility without spending a lot of time; assuming at least one of us was physically attracted enough (and confident enough) to approach the other to start with.

 

[Ariakas]

Why do some men like big breasts? Personal preference. But these superficial characteristics are deceiving.

Online dating is bass-ackwards to me. It encourages people to make judgements based on superficial characteristics such as height, weight, age, etc. and rule out people because they are just over the line: too old, too young, too short, too fat.

Meeting people at parties or meet-ups, however, you make a connection and the chemistry comes first. When you find the right chemistry, the "list" that was so important goes out the door.

I actually don't know anyone personally who uses OKC as a physical checklist. They all use it to read about the potential date and learn more about them, their physical attributes being less important.

Personally, I prefer meeting people and then dating. I enjoy that initial rush of meeting someone in person and not knowing enough about them to apply any judgement. Online, I feel a bit like a fumbling fool until I get to know the person. haha

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Why do some men like big breasts? Personal preference. But these superficial characteristics are deceiving.

Online dating is bass-ackwards to me. It encourages people to make judgements based on superficial characteristics such as height, weight, age, etc. and rule out people because they are just over the line: too old, too young, too short, too fat.

Meeting people at parties or meet-ups, however, you make a connection and the chemistry comes first. When you find the right chemistry, the "list" that was so important goes out the door.

I'm going to have to disagree with you here. If I meet someone in person, and they are over 50 and fat, I'm not going to feel any chemistry, regardless of how charming they are. I think physical attraction and chemistry go hand in hand, and with OKC you see if you have chemistry with people that you find physically attractive. Granted, I've been with people who OTHERS might not find physically attractive, or had their flaws, but there had to be at least something attractive about them to me.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

*Disclaimer on what I just posted, I used the "over 50" thing as an example at this specific point in time, while I'm still under 40. lol

 

[sdguitarguy]

**Thanks for the disclaimer, being over 50 myself.
***What if they were over 40 and fat?

I'm using age as an arbitrary measuring stick.

Your example makes my point. I've met people my age who look 10 years older and others who look 10 years younger (damn you, Steve!!!). That's my point, you won't know their age, you'll either be attracted to them or not. At that point, how critical is their age? 5 years older? 6, 7? 10?

I'm not saying that it is irrelevant, just that the priorities shift when the chemistry hits.

I actually don't know any one of my friends who use OKC as a physical checklist.

OKC is better than most, but the search does have you enter a specific age range when you search. It's mostly that this is how computer programs work. You search by specifying characteristics that can be measured and the program returns the guys who are between 40 & 50 who live within 5 miles of you. If someone is 51, they are SOL.

But if we had met in person first, it would be harder to suss out differences in basic compatibility without spending a lot of time; assuming at least one of us was physically attracted enough (and confident enough) to approach the other to start with.

I agree, except the point would be to go to events where people have some level of similar values. I won't be going to any Christian single mingles. I go to events involving tantra, sex positivity, polyamory, liberal politics, humanism, etc. Obviously your list would be different from mine.

 

[Bluebird]

I didn't message my current boyfriend on OKC, because I wasn't attracted to his photos. He did match with me with most of his questions though, and seemed interesting. I could see he kept visiting my profile, so I decided to give him 4 stars so I could remember that I'd already looked. That triggered him to finally send a message, and after a great number of back and forth, we met. Thank goodness I did! He is freaking awesome! And much better looking in person, though he'll never pose for any nekkid firefighter calendars. He was also on the cusp of having a birthday and graduating out of my age bracket. Lucky me!

 

[gorgeouskitten]

**Thanks for the disclaimer being over 50 myself.
***What if they were over 40 and fat?

I'm using age as an arbitrary measuring stick.

Your example makes my point. I've met people my age who look 10 years older and others who look 10 years younger (damn you Steve!!!). That's my point, you won't know their age, you'll either be attracted to them or not. At that point, how critical is their age? 5 years older? 6, 7? 10?

I'm not saying that it is irrelevant, just that the priorities shift when the chemistry hits.

OKC is better than most but the search does have you enter a specific age range when you search. It's mostly that this is how computer programs work - you search by specifying characteristics that can be measured and the program returns the guys who are between 40 & 50 who live within 5 miles of you. If someone is 51, they are SOL.

I agree except the point would be to go to events where people have some level of similar values. I won't be going to any Christian single mingles. I go to events involving tantra, sex positivity, poly, liberal politics, humanism, etc. Obviously your list would be different from mine.

Fat wouldn't fly for me, no matter the age. Call me Shallow Hal. I mean, my guys are very physically different, so it's not like I have a set 'type' (though Nudge does have me on an older man kick. heheheh). But I do think you could weed people out somewhat, physically, on OKC. Say my cut-off is 45 (Nudge's age), so the guy who is 46 and looks 36 doesn't show up, could be my loss. But you all start running into more generational gaps the farther apart you get too. (I'm in my 30s.) I see your points though, and agree with you. I much prefer to meet people in person (though I'm not currently dating) and keep suggesting my spouse try to do this. (He is dating.)

 

[Inyourendo]

*disclaimer on what I just posted, I use the "over 50" thing as an example at this specific point in time, while I'm still under 40.

It's fine. I prefer people in their 20s. lol. N is 34 but he looks and acts younger. I went on a date with a guy who was 30 and he seemed way too old.

 

[Inyourendo]

Fat wouldn't fly for me, no matter the age. Call me Shallow Hal. I mean, my guys are very physically different, so it's not like I have a set 'type' (though Nudge does have me on an older man kick. heheheh). But I do think you could weed people out on OKC. Say my cut off is 45, so the guy who is 46 and looks 36 doesn't show up, could be my loss. But you all start running into more generational gaps the farther apart you get too. (I'm in my 30s.) I see your points though, and agree with you. I much prefer to meet people in person, and keep suggesting my spouse try to do this.

I prefer people to be active and height/weight proportionate, personally. Although the guy I'm seeing is 300 lbs, but he is just a big guy. I'm kind of surprised I'm attracted to him.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I prefer people to be active and height/weight proportionate personally. Although the guy I'm seeing is 300 lbs, but he is just a big guy. I'm kind of surprised I'm attracted to him.

That is a big guy! I suppose we can all say we have these preferences, but it can come down to personality. Nudge is actually a much smaller guy than my usual would be, but he's pretty darn fit and cute. hehe

 

[Bluebird]

Although the guy I'm seeing is 300 lbs, but he is just a big guy. I'm kind of surprised I'm attracted to him.

Heh. When I first met my husband, he was 350 lbs. I had never dated a man who was overweight, much less that large. He was absolutely the most awesome person I had ever met, though, so I figured we'd do a one-night thing, because I absolutely had to be with him. Funny how things work out!

My current boyfriend is much closer to being my size, but I am not likely to be discriminating based on weight now for a partner!

 

[sdguitarguy]

As long as we are digressing: Two anecdotes:

1. My rideshare partner recently became single. I suggested that he do meet-up groups rather than online dating. And boom! He was shocked, but he has had a number of great interactions, and a date for this Wednesday after maybe 3 weeks of meet-ups. Pretty good! He is 57, single, monogamous, vanilla, in great shape. There is definitely a bigger dating pool for him, but still.

2. My SO, C, is tall and heavy, but I love the distribution, very Rubenesque. I am HWP, a few extra pounds, ok for my age. But recently my dates have been tiny hardbodies. This has caused C some distress, but she's dealt with it. My current girlfriend, M, is training for a marathon. I love the contrast.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

My SO, C, is tall and heavy but I love the distribution, very Rubenesque. I am HWP, a few extra pounds, ok for my age. But recently my dates have been tiny hardbodies, which has caused C some distress, but she's dealt with it. My current girlfriend, M is training for a marathon. I love the contrast.

I hope she can work through that discomfort.

Nudge's wife and I experience that. I am taller than her, curvy but not heavy, with an ample chest. She's short, tiny, and muscular. Nudge loves the differences, so neither of us have anything to worry about.

 

[sdguitarguy]

I hope she can work through that discomfort. Nudge's wife and I experience that. I am taller than her, and curvy but not heavy, with an ample chest. She's short, tiny, and muscular. Nudge loves the differences, so neither of us have anything to worry about.

I've noticed that I tend to focus on differences that I perceived as "faults" (or insecurities) in myself. He's younger, more buff. So while she perceived her size as an issue, I certainly did not. It's all worked out quite nicely.