New to this: dating others with/without my bf

[Genie]

Hello, everyone. I am new to this, so I guess I will jump right in. I am a 28-year old bisexual woman in an LTR with my 33-year old boyfriend. Growing up I tried monogamy and living a hetero lifestyle, and though I had great partners, something was always off. Since discovering open relationships and accepting my bisexuality I have been exceedingly happy with my life.

I have a boyfriend. Both are primaries for me. However, I want more of a "pod," or family connection, as I date them separately. My primary A wants to have a girlfriend together, instead of anything satellite like we have now. He has never had a threesome. I am his first commited poly relationship. I am very supportive, and I want him to find someone.

However, I don't want to be forced to date a partner that I am not really in love with. He can separate love and sex, and takes much less time to become sexual with a person. I tried to explain that he should date, and as things progress, if I was compatible with someone he was seeing, then we could go forward.

He thinks that I am not being supportive of his needs in the relationship.

I believe in this so very much. I want to make it work but I need some advice, maybe just other people to talk to. We are the only poly couple we know. I do know a lot of swingers and people in open relationships, but that isn't what I want. I am looking for a community, companions and friends. I don't just want sex. I want to know someone intimately and have a chance to grow.

So basically, what can I do to meet my community without the sex-party temporary-relationship vibe? Also, how can I help my bf understand that I want a gf, as well, but it isn't about sex, so it has to be the right person?

Thanks for the support and listening,
Genie

 

[Marcus]

What can I do to meet my community without the sex-party temporary-relationship vibe?

Some areas are more poly friendly than others. I live tucked away in the redneck capital of the world so there's not much of a community down here for me to connect to.

I'll probably be moving to Austin soon, and might reach out to the poly community down there. I'll just Google it, look for Meetup groups, and go out and meet some of them.

Swingers seem to be much more available. I am with you in that I also don't find that to be interesting at all.

How can I help my bf understand that I want a gf, but it isn't about sex, so it has to be the right person?

It sounds like you've already told him and he isn't really getting it. I suggest just making sure that any time the topic comes up that you do not sacrifice your integrity to sate his hard-on. Continue to be honest, and hopefully his empathy will kick in and he'll try to understand that the two of you are different.

Avoid hinting and suggesting; be clear and explicit about your worldview.

 

[Genie]

Hey, Marcus. Thank you for your kind and insightful response.

I live in CA, so I know there are a lot of groups and meetings here. I used to live in NY. I went to a meet-up with an ex, and quickly realized it was all about temporary sex, and I was very uncomfortable.

I really want to make poly friends first. I am very sexual, but I want to be friends with my lovers. I want a family, not just a tryst. It is a little difficult to figure out which groups are which. As my primary is just learning this world, as well, I think if we went to a swinger party he would really get the wrong impression.

 

[Marcus]

I went to a meet up with an ex... quickly realized it was all about temporary sex. I was very uncomfortable.

That sounds like a swinger group.

I imagine the emphasis on sex will likely vary among poly groups. If there is an overt emphasis on sex with no strings, that isn't actually polyamory; it's non-monogamy. Polyamory focuses more on romantic relationships than grinding genitals together (though hopefully there will be plenty of that, too).

 

[Murasaki]

Genie, welcome to the forum. Hopefully you will find your time here helpful and enjoyable.

How can I help my bf understand that I want a gf as well, but it isn't about sex, so it has to be the right person?

My suggestion is more conversation and education. Education often cures a lack of understanding.

I can understand why you are against dating as a couple. Perhaps talk more about why he feels the need to date as a couple.

Read these forums. The life stories and blogs can be an eye opener for couples looking for a "third." Maybe do a search for unicorn hunter, triad, or third, and see what blogs you find. Many have a very sad/negative situation they are relating, but not all.

Here are some articles from other sites that I have found through these forums, that might help you show your BF what he is asking for and the potential pitfalls.

Morethantwo: 'Do's and don'ts of happy poly', 'dating a couple' -- perspective on how a desire to have a "triad" can have some very negative effects for all involved, especially the "new" person.

There are a lot of other really good articles on morethantwo. I would suggest reading all of the poly configuration ones. Perhaps reading some of them together will help you two ask the right questions of yourselves about your relationship with each other, and help with understanding the inherent issues with expecting a "new" GF to love two people in a triad, versus allowing the new relationships to take their time and go where they will.

On finding the poly community in your area, I agree with Marcus. Google it, and see what comes up. If you are concerned with what you find being more swinger/non-monogamous versus poly, send an email, or some sort of message to the group, or the leader of the group, before going to your first meeting.

 

[Marcus]

If you are concerned with what you find being more swinger/non-monogamous versus poly see, send a email, or some sort of message to the group, or the leader of the group, before going to your first meeting.

Good call. No harm in asking beforehand. I'm sure the admins of these groups are used to those kinds of questions.

 

[Genie]

Thank you both. The information you provided was very helpful. I really appreciate how welcoming and patient you have been. This is really a great community and I am proud to be a small part of it.

I am reading some of the posts, and I am not quite sure about the lexicon and abbreviations. Is there a site or article that would explain some of the terminology? I ask because I have noticed that different people refer to their partners with various titles and abbreviations.

 

[Dagferi]

The second pinned thread in this section of the forum has a glossary of terms and definitions.

 

[GalaGirl]

He thinks that I am not being supportive of his needs in the relationship.

Ask him to repeat back what you said to him to see if he got it in the way you meant it. To me, your response sounded like a soft-limit "Yes."

• Yes, I might be willing to share a threesome experience if I fall in love with someone you are dating. I'm willing to wait and see if that naturally develops over time, and all three are willing to share that.
• But no, I'm not willing to share sex with you and some stranger I don't love, just so you can have a threesome experience for your own jollies, at the expense of my emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual health.

Is he hearing your HARD LIMIT?

• "No, not ever, under any circumstances."

To me, you sound like an open couple: polysexual him + polyamorous you. You're dating each other and want to date others.

Is it that he doesn't understand where you're coming from, or understand what kind of relationship you share? Are you on the same page as to which open relationship model you are trying to practice?

Do you need to get super clear on the following things?

• I think "polysexual" and "polyamory" mean the same thing.
• I expect my partner to put meeting my wants/needs ahead of meeting their own wants/needs.
• I expect my partner to be willing to have group sex with me whenever I feel like it.
• I can tell the difference between a "want" and a "need."

He doesn't sound like he wants to share a triad girlfriend. He sounds like he wants to share a sex threesome.

Needs are things like these. The need in question might be the need for connection, expressed as love.

Guess what? Love can come in many shapes, not only as a triad that shares threesome sex.

And yes, it is a fact of life, if you do not share the same want, he will have to process feelings of disappointment.

Sometimes a person wants things, and other people don't want the same things. Maybe you and he both will want something, and a third party he approaches will not.

Galagirl