Husband's gf broke up w/him; now he wants to be mono

JadeDoor

JadeDoor

New member
A brief synopsis...

"Neverwhere" is my husband. He was dating his ex-wife, Amanda. They have children together. We all live together. She moved into our house over the summer.

Things were going great at first. We have a rather unique situation, being a poly family and a step family, but it seemed to work for us. I also started dating Mark, Neverwhere's younger brother. Once again, unique, but seemed to work. Neverwhere had his days where he struggled with it, but for the most part I heard lots of excitement from him about how I was the glue of the family, and of course, Mark would be in love with me since I'm so amazing. My husband seemed totally happy and okay with "sharing" me, 90% of the time. The rest of the time... he just started anti-depression meds (which I believe he's needed since his early 20's) at our counselor's request.

So... cut to Thursday. Amanda and Neverwhere attend therapy together. Amanda has been struggling with changes lately. She has been a hardened person for a long time. She is working on trust issues with all of us, and learning how to be in a loving family. Her mother was very abusive. Then she also had a horrible marriage with Neverwhere. So I figured it was going to be about working on herself and needing help.

Nope. She broke up with my husband. She will continue living here, because we don't want to shuttle the kids back and forth, and all she would do is move back to the ghetto she used to live in, so we are okay with her staying here. However, it's very hard on my husband. They may get back together at some point, when she sorts some stuff out, but Neverwhere is saying he doesn't even want that now, and that Amanda is too much work, and poly is too much work.

Whereas just a few days ago, he said if he and Amanda ever broke up, I could continue dating Mark, and he, Neverwhere, would find someone else, because he truly believed in poly, just today he told me I would have to make a choice between him and Mark.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't know if it's the adjustment to his new meds. I don't know if he truly feels this way. I don't know if all that joy and happiness was fake. I find that hard to believe, knowing my husband like I do. I just don't know. It could be because he quit drinking only a month and a half ago, and maybe his brain is still healing from that. I just have no clue.

Of course if I had to choose, I would choose him. But I have wanted this life for so long, and Neverwhere was finally on board with it, and seemed so happy. I had everything I wanted, but now it's all getting ripped away from me, and I don't know what to do.
 
I read about this all the time on the forums. I am one that despises ultimatums and often choose the option the giver of the ultimatum least expects me to choose. A better way to deal with such a situation is to warn ultimatum-givers that you will always choose the answer they don't want you to, because you don't play those games. This puts the onus back on them. Rather than him forcing you to choose between him or your boyfriend, instead you're giving him the option to leave you if he can't handle you being with your boyfriend. It's much more difficult for them to be responsible for their own choice than for them to force the choice on you.

Do you understand the difference in psychology between playing their ultimatum games and making them deal with their own issues, and making their own choices? I certainly would not put up with a spouse that forces me to stop seeing a friend, or to cut off communication with them, so why would I tolerate it with a friend-lover?
 
Wow! Lots going on in your household. It must be stressful on everyone. I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend, even if my husband gave me an ultimatum. Does he plan to move out if you say no, or does he expect everyone else to move? Sounds like he is just freaking out at the moment. I might scale back a bit so you can focus on his needs, and give him lots of attention. But for me, no, I wouldn't kill a relationship at someone else's request like that, especially when it was given as an ultimatum and in a time of pain.
 
JadeDoor said:
It could be because he quit drinking only a month and a half ago and maybe his brain is still healing from that. I just have no clue. And of course if I had to choose I would choose him. But I have wanted this life for so long, and Neverwhere was finally on board with it and seemed so happy. I had everything I wanted. And now it's all getting ripped away from me and I don't know what to do.
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How are the kids dealing with all of this? Their mother was abused as a child. Their parents had a bad marriage. Was it all because of Amanda's background, or was Neverwhere part of the problems? He was drinking-- presumably enough that he needed to quit. They've got their mother, stepmother and uncle all in their house, and all this drama going on.

Honestly, I think it would be wise to set aside thoughts of 'everything you wanted' and what's getting ripped away from you, and give some thought to how all of this is affecting the kids, and what all of you, as adults, need to do for their sakes.
 
WhatHappened said:
How are the kids dealing with all of this? Their mother was abused as a child. Their parents had a bad marriage. Was it all because of Amanda's background, or was Neverwhere part of the problems? He was drinking-- presumably enough that he needed to quit. They've got their mother, stepmother, and uncle all in their house, and all this drama going on.

Honestly, I think it would be wise to set aside thoughts of 'everything you wanted' and what's getting ripped away from you, and give some thought to how all of this is affecting the kids, and what all of you, as adults, need to do for their sakes.
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I fully agree. I've always put my kids first, even before I had my bio son and it was just me and my stepsons. If I saw it negatively affecting the kids I'd be the first to put a stop to it. But they're the happiest they've been since I've known them. They're finally in one house with everyone they love. They're settled and happy. They play town sports. They get to spend time with everyone equally and they don't have to live in a bad area anymore.
We'd hate to see them go back to that.
 
JadeDoor said:
I've always put my kids first, even before I had my bio son and it was just me and my stepsons. If I saw it negatively affecting the kids, I'd be the first to put a stop to it. But they're the happiest they've been since I've known them. They're finally in one house with everyone they love. They're settled and happy. They play town sports. They get to spend time with everyone equally and they don't have to live in a bad area anymore. We'd hate to see them go back to that.
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At issue is whether you'll continue to be poly and sleep with your brother-in-law, right? If you became monogamous, would that require sending the kids back to a bad area?
 
WhatHappened said:
At issue is whether you'll continue to be poly and sleep with your brother-in-law, right? If you became monogamous, would that require sending the kids back to a bad area?
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No. I don't believe becoming mono means the kids go back. Neverwhere has already said he'll let Amanda continue living here, no matter what. But I think because he doesn't have any other relationships besides me, he would prefer I were mono now, as well.

I did ask him if this would be an issue (me dating Mark) if he had a gf outside the house, or if Amanda didn't break up with him, and he said probably not. So I wonder if he's just frustrated right now.
 
When someone first gets sober, they say not to make any drastic life changes or big decisions for the first year. Or at least the first six months. Is he in a 12-step program or getting any kind of counseling about his sobriety and depression meds? If I were you, I would gently let him know that it's unfair to give you an ultimatum, and you won't accept that, and remind him that he just needs to work on himself, grieve the break-up, and not ask for or demand any big changes during early sobriety. As long as his needs are still being met in his relationship with you, your relationship with his brother has nothing to do with that, and should not play a role in his happiness. His emotional well-being is not dependent upon outside sources (like you being monogamous on demand), but on how he manages himself.
 
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First, I just read the title and my immediate thought was: "That's fine, let him. His preferences don't dictate your own."

Then I read the rest of the post. Yup, same thought.

I'm a big stickler for keeping your promises and sticking to your agreements. If he was okay with this when there was something in it for him, then it's his responsibility to get okay with it again.

Being poly is too much work for him? Fine, let him be mono. That's his choice. But you can't put the genie back in the bottle.

Simply put, you tell him "No, I will not choose between you and Mark. My choice is both. If you can't live with that, you have your own choice to make."
 
I understand and appreciate what everyone is saying. It all makes sense. But I'm afraid that if I stick to my guns like that, my husband will leave, and since he's my best friend and the one who truly gets me, more than Mark does, it would be heartbreaking. I wouldn't know what to do without him. What do you do with that kind of... lost feeling?
 
There is already a therapist involved. This is a family crisis. Time to call the therapist.

Patiently, lovingly remind Neverwhere that making any decisions in the midst of a crisis is always a bad idea.

Let Mark know (though this should be obvious) that his brother is in an emotional crisis, and starting meds, and getting sober. He is going to need extra support, preferably from both of you. That may mean less time for the two of you while each of you put in the extra time to support Neverwhere.

My husband Maca had similar issues. What I found was, even discussing this during crisis was too much. He was hurt, needed a safe place to vent and needed extra support he didn't think he could fairly ask for in a poly dynamic.

But if you and Mark automatically step into "our loved one is hurting and needs our support" mode, the same way you would if he were in a terrible car accident, he will have a safe place to start processing grief.

Discussions of anyone's romance can wait until the crisis has been managed.
 
Piggybacking on LovingRadiance's comment: while you and Mark step up the support for Neverwhere during crisis mode, perhaps if Neverwhere pushes for a decision, you could appeal to his logic, saying something to the effect that it's unwise to make decisions in the throes of emotional upheaval, decisions he himself may regret down the line, and request that the ultimatums be tabled until such time that everyone is more clear-headed. What he is asking for can be done at any time in the future, but it may not be able to be undone.

I understand that Neverwhere is hurting a lot, but emotional blackmail will not really net him what he wants in the long run. If you capitulate (and I certainly understand why you might) it could have the following side effects:

1. A building sense of resentment on your part due to your sacrifice
2. Neverwhere could view your capitulation as a testament of your love for him. Or just as likely, knowing that he forced you to choose through emotional blackmail, he could suffer increasing doubt about your feelings for him.
3. An issue between the brothers, because Neverwhere is basically treating Mark as expendable.

I am sorry. I found myself in a very similar situation, except my role was that of Mark's. (Genders reversed though; I am female.) The wife made the husband choose. He tried to explain that he wouldn't make that choice. She made his life a living hell until he relented. I was gone a year when they ultimately separated. Divorce is imminent.
 
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Thank you, everyone, for your sound and loving advice.

Mark and I have only hung out once since Amanda and Neverwhere broke up. I think Neverwhere feels like I want to abandon him and be with Mark all the time. He always has snide remarks and is very mean to me about it. But I am being patient and kind toward him and trying to make sure he knows how much he's loved.

He says he wants to make things work for me and Mark. I just want everyone to be happy (codependent much??) and it seems like that's impossible.

I haven't been this depressed in a long time. Amanda is stressing me out to the max as well. She's so cold and detached. It's pretty terrible.
 
JadeDoor said:
I haven't been this depressed in a long time. Amanda is stressing me out to the max as well. She's so cold and detached. It's pretty terrible.
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Personally, I couldn't do it. I can't allow toxic, unhealthy people to share my space like that. It's not good for you, it's not good for her, and it's certainly not good for the kids. As the child of parents who didn't get along and tried for far too long to make it work "for the kids," please believe me when I say it doesn't work like that. Kids pick up on negative emotions, stress, anxiety. They start to believe those things are just normal parts of relationships, and that stays with them when they grow up and start to have their own relationships.

It wouldn't be necessary to shuffle the kids back and forth -- if there's space for her to live there, then there would be space for her to come "visit" on whatever kind of schedule would otherwise have the kids going to her place. Having her there only intermittently as a visitor rather than constantly as a housemate would take off a lot of the stress and burden of the situation, for everybody, without sending the kids to stay in the ghetto every weekend. Plus it would give the other parents a chance to go away once in a while on a romantic trip, sans enfants.
 
Things have settled a bit with Amanda. It's been a relief over the last few days. She went to family counseling with Neverwhere and me, and we are talking about working together better with parenting issues and such.

Neverwhere started dating someone new in the last week or so. He was out with her last night and so I spent the night with Mark. Neverwhere checked in during the evening and asked if Mark and I had sex. When I answered yes, I was given an ultimatum that it's time to choose between Mark and Neverwhere. Keep in mind we've been sleeping together for months now.

Hence, why it's four in the morning, and I'm up with a panic attack. I am at a loss. I realize the decision to let me date Mark was a struggle for him, but months ago, when we started, Neverwhere talked about how he didn't want Mark to move out and that he was happy for us dating. I'm not sure what changed. He said he always hated it and now he can't do it anymore. I don't fully believe him.

There are feelings involved. Mark and I love each other and he pictured living here with the rest of us forever. I feel so sick. I don't know how I am going to handle the discussion with Neverwhere this week. He has said we can talk but he won't change his mind. We can be poly as long as it's with anyone but Mark.

I'm lost.
 
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Tbh, Neverwhere sounds like a spoiled self-centered ass. He cannot and should not expect you to play his ultimatum game after being okay for months with Mark. Tell him you're not choosing anything. He needs to choose to be with you or without you. He stands to gain nothing by leaving you. At least staying with you allows him to raise your children together, love each other, and affords him an opportunity to find another lover. Leaving you means splitting child custody, alimony, losing your love, and having to find a new lover who may never be okay with poly, should Neverwhere want to go back to it.
 
JadeDoor said:
Neverwhere started dating someone new in the last week or so. He was out with her last night and so I spent the night with Mark. Neverwhere checked in during the evening and asked if Mark and I had sex. When I answered yes I was given an ultimatum that it's time to choose between Mark and Neverwhere. Keep in mind we've been sleeping together for months now.
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I'm guessing he spent the night with his new girl since you were getting the chance to do so with Mark. I would put a lot of money down that the two of them had sex as well, but now he's getting all butthurt about you sleeping with your boyfriend of how many months now?

I'm with Graviton. Tell him you aren't giving into his ultimatum, and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. You aren't going to give up either person you love.
 
CattivaGattina said:
I'm guessing he spent the night with his new girl, since you were getting the chance to do so with Mark. I would put a lot of money down that the two of them had sex as well, but now he's getting all butthurt about you sleeping with your boyfriend of how many months now?

I'm with Graviton. Tell him you aren't giving into his ultimatumm and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. You aren't going to give up either person you love.
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Yes, they slept together. The only thing that's changed this morning is he says he will go to our counselor this week to talk about how to deal with me dating his brother. He says it's too much of a taboo.

I guess ultimately I'll be faced with a choice. It's always going to be my husband, but I'd prefer not to be made to choose.
 
He has put you in a shitty position. In the long run, making you choose is going to hurt your marriage. I'm not saying you can do anything different, except as the others suggested-- tell him you're not going to choose and put it back on him. Still not much wiggle room.

The problem here is that Neverwhere is treating your feelings and Mark's with total disrespect. Say he gets what he wants. What then? Everything is going to be wine and roses after he coerced you?
 
bookbug said:
He has put you in a shitty position, and in the long run making you choose is going to hurt your marriage. I'm not saying you can do anything different, except as the others suggested, tell him you're not going to choose and put it back on him. Still not much wiggle room.
The problem here is that Neverwhere is treating your feelings and Mark's with total disrespect. Say he gets what he wants. What then? Everything is going to be wine and roses after he coerced you?
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I guess he figures that he's given enough. He tried to let me date his brother, and it didn't work, so he wants to stop now. I see that he gave and tried, but I don't know what the solution is. Either way one or two people are going to be miserable. More than likely all three of us will be.
 
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