Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Daughter of polyamorous parents

I found this on redditt

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1kz0s3/i_am_the_daughter_of_polyamorous_parents_ama

The daughter is 16, brother is 11, and younger sister is 9 (same structure as my children). she says she is glad they opened up to her and her siblings rather than hiding the truth from them.

The young girl herself seems to have a great head on her shoulders and has not had her own first relationship.

This makes me think dh and I need to at least start the discussion sooner than later.;)
 
Flowerchild said:
They won't care about your sex lives, just understanding the role they'll play in their lives (well, maybe they will care about the sex part too, but in that case, well, no advice ;)
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Flowerchild I have to completely agree.

Our quad has spoken about this a lot lately.

For my wife and I, we mostly maintain a conservative family. Meaning any PDA is rather minor (kiss here, a hug there). My teenage son usually scoffs at the sight of it and looks away with "gross" comment or similar. :) There are no PDA with our secondaries around our children. We successfully separate family time with adult time. And always family time comes first.

I think possibly the notion of coming out to children about a Poly life is almost an admission that a Poly lifestyle is something abnormal. My kid doesn't want to know about the details of our sexual relationships. I still don't want to know what my parents are up to either. So in our opinion, telling them gives the adults the licence to behave however they wish around the kids. We all deemed this would not be ok because it would be far too confusing.

What we have done is made it normal for primaries and secondaries to hang out together exclusively around the kids. For example my wife and her BF, going for a walk with the kids, or they may decided to watch a movie, whatever. It has worked wonders...

Now coming out to adults (ie. family and friends)... that a different story. We struggle with this tremendously. The potential damage to our relationships and careers are far too great to attempt this. It's truly sad, but we believe that society in general is simply not ready for it. Living a secret life that is so wonderful is very difficult at times.

~S
 
We told our 15 year old last night

DH is big time in NRE with MG (his new girlfriend), as they are planning trips for this upcoming summer and having her over to our house, on occasion. I pretty much knew CT (our oldest daughter, almost 16) was aware of something was up with us. A year ago she found out we were "open" for nsa/fwb, but nothing romantic.

We had her come into our room, explained we are still very much in love with each other, and what we're about to tell her might upset her. I explained what polyamory means. She was fine, like I thought. She told her dad "Well, I knew something was up, because both of you are on dating websites." Apparently DH and I are on our cells too much. ;)

We will wait on the 8 year old boy. We already know he's got some opinions on commitment to one right now, and cannot fathom liking more than two people, although I believe he's perplexed by this, because he likes his best friend a lot (girl) but he also gets crushes on other girls.
 
I don't have any children yet. Since I am in committed relationships, it would be very strange not to tell them, when they come! I believe polyamory with children can be done. However, one should make an effort to make it easy on the child. I would never ask my children to lie. I hope that if I give my children two fathers, they will be proud of both, and probably have the same joys and issues with their dads as everyone else has got. The sexual relationships is between the adults, as in any family. The friendly stuff and the organisational stuff would also include the kids. We would not date outside the family, so there would be nothing to come out with or explain. They would know, if they grew up with it and thought it normal with dad, mum and dad. I love my men and think the both of them would make great fathers. They have their faults, as does everyone else, as do I, but hopefully we would learn to do it well enough and our kids would be fine.
 
I'm 29, with no kids yet, but hoping to adopt in the next couple of years. Being a father is a major life goal of mine. The topic of kids and poly came up in conversation, and I had a nosey around to see how other poly families raise their kids.

It's actually very heartening to see so many different opinions. Like everything else with kids, it seems nothing is clear cut, and every parent has a different approach.

Thank you to everyone who has shared your story. I just hope when the time comes, I can be as successful as so many of you have been, and raise kids who are happy in their families, whatever shape it takes. :)
 
Saturday was proof that kids are not weak little things to be protected from the world.

On Saturday, Murf and I had a friend's birthday party to attend. The entertainment was not kid-friendly, so I paid a babysitter to watch Moose and Squirrel. The babysitter is a friend of my 19 yo, and lives in Chicago. She is a junior in high school. Her younger brother is Moose's best friend, and he came along, too.

Anyway, they met Murf, who was at the house with me. J, who is 9, asked who Murf was. Both my boys piped up with: "This is Murf, my mom's bf." Of course, J asks, "How can your mom have a bf? She is married." Moose answers, "You love both your pets, right?" J answers yes. He then says "You like more than one toy, right?" J says yes. Moose says, "You have more than one friend, so you can love more than one person." Squirrel pipes up with, "Yeah, and he is the fun parent!"

lol
Made me smile.
 
We've never come out to the kids. They've grown up around multiple mothers. We did have to explain to them that some people would not understand our family, and that they should call their other mothers Aunt So and So, at least in public. These days there is much more interest in poly families, and every available study seems to indicate that poly relationships aren't harmful to children, and our experience shows that children thrive in a poly environment. :)
 
Dagferi said:
...You love both your pets, right? Yes. You like more than one toy, right? Yes. You have more than one friend, so you can love more than one person. And he is the fun parent!

Made me smile.
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OMG, that is absolutely delightful! How smart of them, not to mention adorable - I would have been brimming over with tears and giggling at the same time to see that!
 
Dagferi said:
Saturday was proof that kids are not weak little things to be protected from the world.

On Saturday Murf and I had a birthday party to attend for a friend. The entertainment was not kid friendly so I paid a babysitter to watch Moose and Squirrel . The babysitter is a friend of my 19 yo lives in Chicago. She is a junior in high school. Her younger brother is Moose 's best friend and came along to

Anyway as they meet Murf who was at the house with me. Of course J who is 9 asks who Murf is. Both my boys piped up with this is Murf my moms bf. Of course J asks how can you mom have a bf she is married . Moose answers you love both your pets right. J answers yes. He then says you like more than one toy right. J says yes. Moose says you have more than one friend so you can love more than one person. Squirrel pipes up with yeah and he is the fun parent...lol.

Made me smile .
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Love this, Dag! I am working on trying to explain more to my 7 year old who asks more about why I'm with Nudge so much, why we are affectionate? etc., and I'm contemplating just saying "Yes, Nudge is Mommy's boyfriend," but I was worried about other kids giving him heck. Maybe I should just do it. I've gotten as far as, you can love multiple people, and I love to spend time with both Daddy and Nudge.
 
They often amaze me at what they comprehend. Society has made us stunt our kids' growth. I remember what my parents allowed me to do at their age. I survived.

Honestly, at school and events, kids don't bat an eye when other kids say this is my dad and this is my mom's bf.

Unless you throw yourself out there in the public eye or shove your lifestyle down their parents' throats, kids don't criticize other kids' lifestyles. Kids' biases come from their parents.
 
Dagferi said:
They often amaze me at what they comprehend. Society has made us stunt our kids growth. I remember what my parents allowed me to do at their age. I survived.

Honestly at school and events, kids don't bat an eye when other kids say this is my dad and this is my mom's bf.

Unless you throw yourself out there in the public eye, or shove your lifestyle down their parents' throats, kids don't criticize other kids' lifestyles. Kids' biases come from their parents .
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Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dag. I think we'll start with that. They are 7 and 5.
 
polyamory and children

Should my kids be taken away by their father because I am polyamorous and he doesnt like it? Father is not involved in the polyamory, kids are not aware of it.

Adult things should stay with the adults.
 
Should your kids be taken away? No. Unfortunately, my opinion doesn't matter in this situation.

Fortunately, most courts (in the Western world, anyway) would agree with me. I take it you're a biological parent? Generally, biological parents have to seriously fuck up to lose custody of their children. As long as you're not putting your children in danger, it is EXTREMELY unlikely that you would lose your children over being polyamorous in itself.

I'm guessing the father made a threat? He's trying to scare and manipulate you, and it's essentially an empty threat. You've got nothing to worry about, aside from having to deal with an asshole.
 
My kids are exposed to polyamory daily. Hell, we are at Murf's house right now for the weekend. They are thriving. Straight A students with a ton of friends. Happy-go-lucky boys who have a lot of people who love them. I wouldn't worry.
 
Being poly SHOULDN'T affect whether the kids get taken by the father or not. Unfortunately, though, I have a lot of experience with courts going against what should or shouldn't happen. If a judge does rule in favor of the ex (because of you being poly), I'd recommend appealing the ruling.
 
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