Breaking up graciously

[fauxsisticated]

Hello there! Haven't been on in a long time... School has owned my soul for the past few semesters and I tend to keep pretty busy.

I'm wondering if anyone on here has any advice or resources to give someone who's recently broken up. My spouse and I were dating someone else together for about 9 months and that ended two months ago. The person we were dating (I'll call her P) has been having a really hard time, and I've been as supportive as I can be given the constraints of our circumstances. The relationship with P was toxic for me in many ways, but I have expressed my desire to remain friends since, well, before we ever got together.

We both run a student organization on my campus, and we also agreed to both continue to participate in that group whether or not our relationship(s) continued. I find that I'm being shut out of the organization's planning despite voicing my disappointment. I have been accused of violating P's boundaries by simply trying to discuss the future of our shared participation, and as of right now I'm pretty frustrated.

We have a joint counseling appointment for next week with a counselor we've all three worked with before. I trust the counselor to not take my side or her side, but I am worried about this appointment nonetheless. I want us to both be able to be productive members of this group. I have put a lot of work into it and it doesn't feel good to be excluded. P has put a lot of time in, but has suddenly taken a much more, shall we say enthusiastic role since our breakup. I feel it's an effort to shut me out/prove she can run things without me, though likely not conscious.

Does anyone have some good info for continuing to work with someone after a breakup, or how to deal with breaking up working from a non-violent communication model? This was only one of three relationships P has been a part of so I think it's hitting her especially hard.

I also don't want to react from a purely aggressive place when we meet with our counselor, despite the fact that I am very upset. I don't want to be accusatory or unfair, etc.

Thanks much in advance! <3

 

[GalaGirl]

I can see where this is upsetting. I'm sorry.

Does anyone have some good info for continuing to work with someone after a breakup, or how to deal with breaking up working from a non-violent communication model?

"P, before we actually broke up?

• We used to have an agreement to try to be friends even if we broke up. At this time, are you still willing and able to honor that agreement?
  
• We also used to have an agreement that both of us would participate in the student organization and try to exist peacefully and put the work of the org ahead of personal business. At this time, are you still willing and able to honor that agreement?"

​

Could ask respectfully and await response.

I also don't want to react from a purely aggressive place when we meet with our counselor, despite the fact that I am very upset. I don't want to be accusatory or unfair, etc.

So control your behavior even if you experience upset. You don't get to pick what you feel when. You do get to pick how you behave.

Accept you control your "willing and able" and she controls her "willing and able."

Circumstances have changed dramatically. Could ask in counseling if she is still willing and able to honor those agreements or not.

If you do not trust your ability to control you behavior, could not be in the same room while asking. Could write it down and have the counselor ask for you while you each sit in different rooms. The counselor could move back and forth.

• If she's up for it, call it good for today, and figure out how to do it with the counselor at next appt. Everyone go home and chill.
• If she is no longer up for it, accept it. Figure out how to digest disappointment and proceed with the counselor at next appointment. Everyone go home and chill.

In regards to your involvement in the student org board of trustees... is this a committee you are on? It sounds like it. (I could guess wrong. Please correct if so.)

If the student organization and it's larger purpose matters to you more than your individual well-being and whatever hooha between you? You could step aside to let that organization continue unfettered at this time while you all take a time out to do personal business conflict resolution. Run for a new board of trustees term at a later time when you are heathier, willing, and able.

I hear that you are very much willing to serve your organization at this time. But I wonder if you are not recognizing that you may not be best ABLE at this time. Because two arguing board members isn't going to HELP the organization any, creates a difficult working environment for the other people if ALL the parties in question cannot behave, distracts from the mission of the Organization, and the board is not the place for personal business anyway.

It sounds like your ex is making waves there already. Whether on purpose or not, she's making waves. Could restore stability.

• The President/Chair could have the sense to ask either/both of you to recuse your terms to enable you to have a time out for personal business and enable the Organization to continue free of conflicting interests on its board.
  
• But as Trustee, you could ask you to recuse for same reason. You don't have to wait for the Chair to ask you do it. When you are a Trustee, you put the health of the org ahead of your personal desires or your personal business.

That would remove the organization you care a lot about from being used as a "pawn" in the personal conflict between you and your ex.

The board of trustees of the organization is also then free to vote to bring in new people to complete the terms of the vacated position or agree work with a smaller quorum when voting on board issues for the rest of the year and leave the position unfilled.

I know this is upsetting for you, and it stinks, but you could be be proud to serve your org to the best of your ability even under duress. Sometimes that means your final act of service for the Org during your current term is bowing out for a time so the Org can carry on in the meanwhile more effectively. You can always come back later to run for a new term.

If the goal is graceful exit and it were me? That is what I would do in this order:

• Put the org I love ahead of personal hooha. Call the Chair and recuse my term citing personal business -- breaking up with another trustee and not wanting to create conflict on the board as a result. This is precisely why Boards have alternates. Hoohas can happen -- births, deaths, car accidents, etc.
• After I recuse my board position, go to counseling. Inform the ex I have recused. Ask the ex if they are still willing and able to honor previous agreements or not in counseling.
• Form the next steps from there with the counselor's help so I can arrive at my own healing efficiently.
• When I am healed, willing and able, I'd run for a new term on the board of trustees.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[Ariakas]

Tough.. really tough situation.

I have to have the cord cut when I break up. Its the only way to achieve closure. While you may have had agreements and want to be "adult" about it. It sometimes isn't feasible.

I couldn't.. and wouldn't do what you or her are trying. I am not sure what the best solution is, but no amount of discussion would suffice.

I can and have worked with ex's.. but the cord is completely cut. We don't remain involved in the same areas of work or social life.

Not everyone is created equal. Not everyone can handle the transition or be expected to. Some people look at relationships like fluid things.. movement between relationship types is easy... without expectations...

Mourning stage in relationships are different for everyone..

BTW I am not saying to end your work, I am not sure what you can do to satisfy both parties, its why you general don't play where you get paid. In the end someone will be inconvenienced.

 

[Akiyuki]

I'm curious about the responses on this thread; I'm in a triad and me and and one of my partners are considering breaking up with the third partner (might post about this in another thread, actually.) I'm not sure how to do this gracefully and tactfully. We have a lot of mutual friends and a shared social group.

I fell into this problem in college when I was in a (monogamous, incidentally) relationship with someone else who was also extremely involved in the student group that I was vice president of. After I broke up with them, I ended up going abroad for awhile and when I came back to school after, I was dismayed to discover that in my absence, they had completely edged me out of the student group and had spread some extremely damaging rumors. I hope that you can discuss things with them and head that off.

I don't really have any advice; just, good luck and maybe don't stop being involved with the group, because you might not be able to get back in later, especially if they stick around. I thought I was so clearly a dedicated member of the group that my involvement and reputation were safe, but all it takes is one new group of freshmen who know their side and not yours, and things can get uncomfortable..

 

[Inyourendo]

Tough.. really tough situation.

I have to have the cord cut when I break up. Its the only way to achieve closure. While you may have had agreements and want to be "adult" about it. It sometimes isn't feasible.

I couldn't.. and wouldn't do what you or her are trying. I am not sure what the best solution is, but no amount of discussion would suffice.

I can and have worked with ex's.. but the cord is completely cut. We don't remain involved in the same areas of work or social life.

Not everyone is created equal. Not everyone can handle the transition or be expected to. Some people look at relationships like fluid things.. movement between relationship types is easy... without expectations...

Mourning stage in relationships are different for everyone..

BTW I am not saying to end your work, I am not sure what you can do to satisfy both parties, its why you general don't play where you get paid. In the end someone will be inconvenienced.

I'm the same way. When I'm done with someone I want to pretend they don't exist. As t least for several months.

 

[Jenikyula]

It's really a shame that P is reacting this way. However, it sounds like your break-up is fairly recent so she has a right to still be upset. She may be upset for months in fact, considering you had a fairly long relationship with her. She's probably additionally upset that things have ended between you, yet you are likely not as unhappy as she is because you have your primary partner still.

I would advise you to allow her to be upset and act out for a while. Four or five months sounds like enough time. Take a secondary role in your club. She's throwing herself into the leadership position because it takes her mind off of her heartbreak! Can you really deny her that? Practice empathy and compassion and I'm sure that after a time P will feel better and things will return to normal in your club.