Have you ever felt lost at sea with someone you love?

L

Lostatsea

New member
So, here I am living with this amazing woman who treats me so good I have to pinch myself every now and then just to believe she is real. She is also very sexy to look at. We have so much in common, except one thing. She is totally poly and I am undecided about it. I have tried to find others for us to date together, but it seems that everyone I come across, whether a couple or a single, or whatever they claim to be, that they are just looking for the "sexy girl," and are really swingers, not poly at all.

I have gone out on dates with others, but find myself just wanting to be with her. My heart wants to be with her over anyone else, so I have decided it is not fair to anyone for me to date them alone, because my heart is not into it. She encourages me to keep looking, saying, "If you find someone you love as you do me, you will be just as happy being with them as you are with me." The truth is, I have searched my entire life for someone like her. She gives me everything I need, except when she goes out with others. I have been fighting the green-eyed monster.

I would never expect her to change who she is. I love and respect her.

My questions are:
Who am I?
What makes me happy?
Are true poly relationships with couples out there?
If they are, will that be what we want, as a couple?

I am open, but discouraged by the swingers posing as poly.

As a couple, we want love and honesty to be first, above all else.

I am looking for suggestions of where we can look, and increasing our chances of finding a true poly couple who will love both of us, not just her.
 
Why are you looking for people who will love both of you, and not just her, when you readily admit that you have no desire to be with anyone else? It's quite possible for one person in a couple to be poly and the other not to be. Relationships are about things being fair, not about things being equal. Your girlfriend also shouldn't be trying to push you into dating other people if you're not interested.
 
Derbylicious said:
Why are you looking for people who will love both of you and not just her, when you readily admit that you have no desire to be with anyone else? It's quite possible for one person in a couple to be poly, and the other not to be. Relationships are about things being fair, not about things being equal. Your girlfriend also shouldn't be trying to push you into dating other people if you're not interested.
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I am not sure if I am not interested, or just have not met like-minded people to explore it with. I want to see if it is something I desire, or not. She sees this, and wants me to have what she has. The truth is, I am happy with it just being me and her. I also like the thought of having more that one person loving me as she does. Where is the balance? Should I just stop looking?
 
I'm probably the worst person to ask that question of, since I don't "look" for people to have relationships with. Rather, I am just open to the idea of letting it happen, if it happens.
 
PolyinPractice said:
For god's sake, yes.

To answer your original question, no, I've never felt "lost at sea" with someone I love. I feel like it's a "perfect" fit (nothing is perfect), but his poly-ness is one of the major things that drew me to him.
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I guess my real problem is dealing with the loneliness when she is gone. She said she misses me so much when she is gone, also. I guess the real question is, why would she need more if she feels this way? She tells me I mean so much to her that her love scares her. I have done all I can to show her how much she means to me, every day. We both have scars, and need time to heal, but hang on to love so much we are happy with each other and being together.
 
Lostatsea said:
I guess my real problem is dealing with the loneliness when she is gone. She said she misses me so much when she is gone, also. I guess the real questions is why would she need more, if she feels this way? She tells me I mean so much to her, that her love scares her. I have done all I can to show her how much she means to me every day. We both have scars, and need time to heal, but hang on to love so much we are happy with each other and being together.
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I don't mean to throw a wet towel on you, but whenever I hear someone say the love they have for so-and-so scares them, it immediately makes me think they are lying and being manipulative to get what they want.
 
graviton said:
I don't mean to throw a wet towel on you, but whenever I hear someone say the love they have for so-and-so scares them, it immediately makes me think they are lying and being manipulative to get what they want.
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Love can be frightening as hell, and limerence is worse. Not everyone can handle their own emotions easily.
 
Re (from OP):
"Looking for suggestions of where we can look and increase our chances of finding a true poly couple who would love both of us, not just her."
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I have no idea if this will help, but I have a bunch of links you can use as poly-friendly dating sites and as mediums for finding local poly groups in your area, plus a couple of tips.

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
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Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Sometimes it works better just to get to know someone as platonic friends, and then if something romantic comes of it well that's all the better.

Good luck,
Kevin T.
 
Some great advice above. Since I've recently been where you are, I can totally relate. Short version, I'm dating someone poly, but I'm heavily mono-leaning, though I'm getting my sea legs (used your metaphor) to become poly. I know what it's like to be so sad when they go out with other people and wonder "Why aren't I enough?"

First of all, it's not a question of enough. You will never be enough. And that's OK! It's not a question of your quality. It's a question of variety. Pardon the child-like metaphor, but just because you like vanilla doesn't mean you can't also be curious and enjoy Rocky Road. Vanilla isn't deficient. It isn't a bad flavor. It's just not the ONLY flavor.

Second, if you don't feel like you want someone else, you don't have to go looking. I will say though, that finding someone to date additionally to my partner is something I'm trying and it can be very fun.

Last, If I'm reading you correctly, you're asking one of the most frequent questions on this board, which is an important question. "How do I deal with my loneliness when my partner is gone?" Answer: find some hobbies, and chores, and ways to improve yourself and move forward in your life that make you happy. Throw yourself into them, not just as a distraction, but as a way to balance your life from needing one person too much. I'm all for romance, and I'm all for loving someone with everything you've got. But, as I'm still trying to learn, you've got to be good with being alone before you can really be amazing to someone else.

It's easier read than done, of course. Express your needs, but tread lightly about being needy. You'll figure out how to find your own True North.
 
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