Husband want me to chose between him and my bf

Actually - I haven't seen my boyfriend for more than 2 hours since before Christmas. Don't assume.

No one is telling her to leave her husband for the new guy. We're just saying that if she feels that she can't put herself back in the box he wants her in or go back to the person he thought she married, than she shouldn't have to. She can choose herself and deal with the consequences. Whatever they may be.
 
Putting Mod hat on...

Friskyone4u, the OP came here for feedback and opinions, and that is what she is getting. Your posts are becoming more heated and angry. Your views are clearly evident. If you continue to berate Hoyam, you will receive an infraction. I gotta say, I wonder why you are here since you come off as very much against, and critical of, polyamory.

Everybody, please remember to play nice.

Thanks.
 
NY Cindie,

Cant see how you come to the conclusion that I am berating Hoyam. My issues has been with those of you who have been advising her to basically tell her husband it is his problem without having any real information about him. Your first post basically said it is his problem. Well, if it works out bad for her, it is not his problem.

As far as not being poly friendly, I thought the idea of poly was to ENHANCE the relationship, not destroy it. Those like London have advised her she may just have to accept that poly is not for her husband and that SHE will have to decide what to do. He apparantly has already made his decision, so my only issue with her was that she is feeling like everyone is the bad guy for not wanting to have it all the way she wants it regardless of her behaviors. Hoyam stated that she did a lot wrong.

So let's get it straight. I am not against poly. I am against people that have basically three paragraphs of knowledge of the situation, advising a person that her husband is the problem and that if he cannot see it her way that she should just jetison him, regardless of the ramifications on three children. I do not see how you call that berating Hoyam at all.

Despite what you think SHE will make this decision, not her husband and I hope very much that it works out well for her. I will not post anymore on this because it is obvious some of you want to go in attack mode if someone disagrees with you.

Good luck to Hoyam. I guess we'll all see how it works out if she stays on the board.
 
Hoyam, I think I get where you are coming from. I had a very long-distance relationship for about two years (partner was in the same country, but 2000 miles away). I can report that when someone is far away and time with them is rare and precious, they can seem utterly and completely perfect. That is how it was for me with my long-distance boyfriend. He intrigued and inspired and challenged me, and everything we did together, no matter how mundane, seemed exciting. I only got to see him for four weekends a year, and always wanted more, but he couldn't do it because of family commitments and work and funds.

About a year ago, he pulled back from the relationship we had and wanted to just be close online buddies and continue seeing each other, as friends, at an event we both attend once or twice a year. He never gave me a clear reason for this despite me asking repeatedly for one. I was devastated, I had considered him the second love of my life. But I did the personal work I needed to do to be OK with finding value in the friendship, coming to terms with it. And guess what. He was/is a shitty friend. He is selfish and insensitive to anyone else's needs and wants except his. It's his way or the highway. I saw some indications of this when we were a couple, but always made excuses for him, I think I willfully didn't want to consider that my perfect beautiful man was not what I thought he was. I'm going to be seeing him next month at the event we have in common, and I don't even care anymore. I was madly, passionately in love with someone I mostly created in my head, from a lot of interesting online conversations we had. And there were moments I felt I loved him as much as I do my husband. And if my marriage had been less fulfilling, and he had been available for a primary relationship, who knows. I might have been up for it. And I would have been so, so wrong.

I completely agree with what Galagirl said here:

What makes you feel "alive" and "passionate" with husband? Just cuz you are married doesn't mean those aspects are lost to you in that relationship. If you both have not been tending that, could do it now.
 
I agree with some of what frisky is saying. People do seem to think the husband is in the wrong. The OP has no idea if the bf is a keeper and she needs to consider stability for her kids down a rocky road. Frisky is looking at reality, not "my heart, my genitals, I do what i want".

Hoyam might not be poly, she may just like her BF. She can't make rash decisions right now.
 
That's fine, but you were turning the discussion into an argument with anyone whose opinions you did not like and were coming off like you were scolding the OP and wanted to hammer your point home. We all know your view on it, so now let other people have their say, jeez.
 
Well everybody thanks for responding. It gives me a lot to think about and that is why i poster my question. Different opinions help me make my own opinion.

First of all let me tell i am very new to this. I am trying to find out if poly is my thing, but for this moment it kills me to stop at this point. So yes, i am new. But me being new doesn't mean i am dumb or naïve. Yes i understand this love is new and living far. Yes living in the same house, cleaning, taking care of the kids and working is different than a holliday. Yes i know it wouldn't be perfect, but never in my posts i said i wish for a life with him alone. I love him deeply, feel like i know him but see him far from perfect. I predict problems if we would be in a situation where we would live together, so i understand this relationship would have to grow if i would want to come to that point. To have a mariage-like relationship with the 2 of us we would have to build. Also that is not my dream cause i truely love my husband. For different reasons and in a different way, but it is a solid, deep love. I don't want to lose either one of them.

As asked: my husband doesn't make me feel alive or passionate like my bf. They are different personalities. My husband and i have a calm, respectful relationship. With him i find peace, i can be myself, he makes me the woman i want to be in a way that i have confidence in my abilities. We laugh a lot, he is mostly my best friend. With benefits :). I adore him and look up to him.

As for the responds about me not knowing my boyfriend. I did see my boyfriend only for one week, yes. But i met him 10 months ago the first day of a holliday for more than a week and we spend a lot of time together. After that me and the family went there for more than 3 weeks. And after that, yes i was there 8days by myself. And i don't know why i feel like i should defend myself cause never i told that i have the illusion that i can compare my love for my husband with the love for my boyfriend. Or that i should compare the two. I just have feelings for him and that i know him for only short now doesn't realy change my first question in this topic. If i would ask this question a year from now, my husband and i would still have more years together than bf and i. And my husband and i would still have a family. Why focus on how well/long i know him?

For me it has more to do with the fact that the genie is out of the bottle, as somebody said. I cannot go back to how it was, cause the genie is out.
The fact that i wrote my husband and boyfriend were telling a lie was me, writing in my emotions. I am thankfull for my husband trying. Yes poly was something that i initiated and cause he loves me so much he tried. I am very thankfull for that. Also i am thankfull i happen to fall in love with a man that wants poly cause of many different reasons. For example the fact that he doesn't want to steel my husbands happiness and most important of the children.

About raising children by myself: most important for me is that a divorce would be terrible. That is not what i want for my children. Having said that, i want to say i don't know if my husband and i could even stay together mono after this intens periode. We learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship that changes everything. At this moment i feel like i don't want to lose one of them. My goal is no divorce, but the question is how to reach that goal. Can i undo my feelings? Can i ignore that other side of me, that i recently discovered? Are the children better of in a situation where i ignore myself? I truely don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no. I want to find out in therapy.
But for the person who is talking strongly about me in the situation of raising my children by myself:
That would NEVER happen. I am intelligent enough to take care of the relationship with the father of my children. Now, in our mariage we work and take care of the children about 40-60%. (Meaning he works a little bit more and i take care of the children a little bit more). We are proud of this construction and we think it is the best gift in life to give children a good relation with both mother and father. So yes, divorce is expensive and i would have to work hard to make it work, but don't judge me before you know me. The level of education between my husband and i is equal.
Why i postes this topic is cause i realy don't know what to do. I love them both, different, but both. And losing love is why i posted this. Love of husband, love of boyfriend, but also love in our childrens life. For me finances are not the big issue here. Keep Love and reduce hurt are. For everyone involved.
 
It does sound like you and your husband could use some time to work on your relationship. Read around on this board, check out some of the tag searches on different topics, etc. Poly will put a magnifying glass to all the little cracks in your existing relationship and cause them to become giant fissures if they aren't attended to immediately. There's a reason experienced poly folks say to go as slow as the person struggling the most. It's not uncommon to slow down, back up, or even stop temporarily, to work on the relationship that is struggling. I think you said you were going to see a counselor, this is a great place to start. make you marriage rock solid before pushing forward with a new relationship. Many couples take years to get beyond the just talking poly to living it. In the mean time, read around here and see some of the pitfalls and struggles other have had and see how they moved beyond those issues.
 
SNeacail said:
It does sound like you and your husband could use some time to work on your relationship. Read around on this board, check out some of the tag searches on different topics, etc. Poly will put a magnifying glass to all the little cracks in your existing relationship and cause them to become giant fissures if they aren't attended to immediately. There's a reason experienced poly folks say to go as slow as the person struggling the most. It's not uncommon to slow down, back up, or even stop temporarily, to work on the relationship that is struggling. I think you said you were going to see a counselor, this is a great place to start. make you marriage rock solid before pushing forward with a new relationship. Many couples take years to get beyond the just talking poly to living it. In the mean time, read around here and see some of the pitfalls and struggles other have had and see how they moved beyond those issues.
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Thank you.
I thought my husband and i had a rock solid relationship. Honesty was everything. We didn't have big problems. So when i met this boyfriend and got all this feelings i honesty thought: ,,within this relationship i can
Do this". It was because if our basic i felt i could do this. Unfortunately you are very right about the little cracks. Yes as in every relationship we had little cracks. And now, those cracks are more important than ever before. And the beauty of it is: poly forces us to work on it. The bad part is we cannot ignore it anymore.

Anyhow, today we went to the counselor. He gave us a break by telling us to first focus on accepting differences. Not trying to convince the other half but just accept that we have different opinions. So that is a good start. I have no idea where we will end up. I truely don't want to lose my husband or my boyfriend. I know, rational, from a distance, it would be best to stop with the boyfriend. He lives far, different culture, different religion, different age, him being married before with 2 different women and children with them... It doesn't sound like the man to bring home to your parents haha. (,,mom, dad, i have a new boyfriend..."). But, me being a pretty average, stable, intelligent woman. And all the rational thinking doesn't make my heart stop loving him. I cannot understand it but the feelings are strong. To strong to deny at this time.
 
I'm glad you are attending counseling and take steps with spouse. I hope it turns out well in the way that you want it to.

I cannot understand it but the feelings are strong. To strong to deny at this time.
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To me feelings ensue after behavior. If you hang around with BF, then your feelings for BF continue strong because you are attached. If you stop hanging around BF, you give yourself a chance to detach and give the the feelings opportunity to die down.

That the feelings are "too strong to deny" doesn't work for me because people are in control of their behaviors. In your case, there has been no change in the thinking behavior toward BF or the actions behavior towards BF for the feelings to even have a CHANCE to change. 8-10 mos is in the NRE window -- there could be some of that at play here. But NRE is not uncontrollable. More accurate to me would be "I don't plan on changing my feelings for BF at this time. So I'm not changing any of my thinking behaviors or action behaviors in regards to my BF at this time."

I'm not saying you have to break up with him.

Just observing that you sometimes talk about your feelings like they are some uncontrollable "with a mind of their own" type way. I don't know if you do that only with BF or with the husband too. If your goal/hope is to reconcile with husband maybe you want to be aware of that "jumping to conclusions" thing in counseling? :confused:

Be careful not to be adding "extra barriers" to reconciliation from emotional reasoning?

Not saying you are doing this but for example...

Feeling or thinking it is "hopeless" and then not putting in the effort because you went in already decided it was hopeless before even trying.

Then it winds up becoming self-fulfilling prophecy because of lack of effort put in. YKWIM?

I hope that makes sense.

I really hope things work out for you.
Galagirl
 
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friskyone4u said:
Have any of those of you who are advising her to just tell her husband that if he chooses not to be part of this 6 month fling she is having with a guy in ANOTHER country figured out how she is going to support herself and her three kids. She has spent ONE WEEK VACATION with this guy and maybe a few weeks if that from her posts. It is her initial step into non monogamy and you are advising her to just tell him if he can';t accept it they'll just go their separate ways. On the basis on her limited experience in this lifestyle how are you all so convinced she is wired POLY or that as a few have sensibly said this is the excitement of a new relationship. And I guess it does not matter what the boyfriend love of her life can help out with or what guarantees she has that he will even be around if she tells him she is all his.

Or have any of you thought about that depending on the laws in her country she might be subject to the husband taking her kids from her as an unfit mother once he easily proves she is committing what most courts will call adultery once he ends the poly experiment. I guess none of that matters as long as the sacred alter of poly is upheld.

Unbelievable that you all put her needs before her responsibility as a mother.
Click to expand...
Never once did I say she should leave her husband or abandon her responsibilities.
I did say what I did in a similar situation.

Furthermore; as a mother of 5 kids-I told my hsuband I won't pretend to be something he wants me to be-because that isn't authentic.
AND
when he left (for well over a year)
NEITHER OF US quit taking full responsibility for our 5 kids. We continued to be co-parents.

Being a parent and doing your duty as one has NOTHING to do with who you choose to fuck.
 
friskyone4u said:
Do any of you have the answers to if they split and she winds up with the kids how she supports them.
Click to expand...

Yes-get a job.


I am probably older than most of you and have been exposed to some form of non monogamy since before some of you were born.
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You may be older than many, but not all. I've been non-monogamous in one form or another for well over 30 years.
As a mother and a grandmother, I haven't once failed to take full responsibility for all of my children and as needed my grandchildren. No romantic relationship caused me to be responsible or not to be responsible.





I don't believe I have all the answers and just because something is working for you does not mean you do either.
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Where did ANYONE say they had all of the answers. The point in askign questions on a *world-wide* international, public board is to get a variety of OPINIONS from a variety of perspectives.
That only works if the people who respond, write THEIR opinions, from THEIR perspectives, based upon THEIR experiences.
Nothing at all requires the OP to actually take the suggestions. But they asked for them and they received them.
The OP didn't say "OMG how do I take care of my kids if I stand up for myself". That wasn't the question, thus-the responses aren't geared to answer that question.


Hoyams scenerio will play itself out.
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Yes it will. Whether anyone answers or not. Which makes it even more asinine for any poster to get up in arms over what advice is given...


Lets see if she can pay her bills, keep her children safe, and be a happy poly person if she is unable to change her husbands mind and tries to jam this down his throat.
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Much like he could end up a single dad for trying to shove monogamy down her throat?


The safer move for her is to if necessary surpress the poly feeling for a little while, and maybe try it again once her husband gets over the way she conducted herself during this initial experiment. No one says it is forever, and this love of her life boyfriend it a totally unknown entity as far as permanance as far as anyone know.
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SAFER than what?

Being honest about WHO SHE IS and insisting that they need to continue to communicate about what creative adaptations are available to meet both of their needs?

Because giving your partner an ultimatum is NOT continuing to have open communication regarding how to meet the needs of both parties.
It's a manipulative, abusive technique that NO THERAPIST would EVER advise a person to cater to...
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friskyone4u said:
As far as not being poly friendly, I thought the idea of poly was to ENHANCE the relationship, not destroy it.
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No. The idea of poly is multiple loves. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Sometimes it enhances a relationship. Sometimes it destroys a relationships. Sometimes it results in person growth. Sometimes it does not.

Poly isn't about "a couple" it's about a person-loving more than one person. That may or may not happen in a couple.

People on this board are varied from one end of the various spectrums of poly to the other and all have the right to respond from their personal perspective so long as they aren't being disrespectful to other posters and breaking the rules for the board.
 
LovingRadiance said:
No. The idea of poly is multiple loves. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Sometimes it enhances a relationship. Sometimes it destroys a relationships. Sometimes it results in person growth. Sometimes it does not.

Poly isn't about "a couple" it's about a person-loving more than one person. That may or may not happen in a couple.

People on this board are varied from one end of the various spectrums of poly to the other and all have the right to respond from their personal perspective so long as they aren't being disrespectful to other posters and breaking the rules for the board.
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I agree... My relationship with Murf does nothing to enhance my marriage. It wasn't to spice up my marriage with Butch or etc. I fell in love with Murf and he with me. Yes I am very happy but it has nothing to do with Butch other than he loves me and accepts me as I am.
 
Dagferi said:
I agree... My relationship with Murf does nothing to enhance my marriage. It wasn't to spice up my marriage with Butch or etc. I fell in love with Murf and he with me. Yes I am very happy but it has nothing to do with Butch other than he loves me and accepts me as I am.
Click to expand...

I'm going to agree here too... even though I'm mono and am coming from the "this does nothing to enhance my relationship with Chops" side. Chops being able to be himself is worth whatever eventually happens to our relationship. He and I were friends first, and I would like to hope that will remain regardless of whatever happens with our romantic relationship.

His smile reaches his eyes now. It enhances (or, more accurately, is true to) HIM. I'm not looking for anything for myself out of this, except maybe a happier Chops.

I'd actually be insulted if Chops needed other relationships to enhance ours. Our relationship stands alone, regardless of any others.

Hoyam, I'm glad you've started a good path with counseling. It *is* okay to be different (heck, I'm in a mono/poly relationship myself - we know from "different" at this point). Hang in there.
 
Hoyam said:
Thank you.
I thought my husband and i had a rock solid relationship. Honesty was everything. We didn't have big problems. So when i met this boyfriend and got all this feelings i honesty thought: ,,within this relationship i can
Do this". It was because if our basic i felt i could do this. Unfortunately you are very right about the little cracks. Yes as in every relationship we had little cracks. And now, those cracks are more important than ever before. And the beauty of it is: poly forces us to work on it. The bad part is we cannot ignore it anymore.
Click to expand...

I have read through every post you have made, and I can only assume that there's something unsaid, or something that I'm missing. I don't see that there was any agreement between you and your husband on going poly. You met your boyfriend and decided you wanted this lifestyle, and your husband was apprehensive at best. He went along with it because he was supportive of you and then decided after a while that it wasn't working.

My personal experience wasn't a big of a jump as yours. My wife and I already were in a swinging lifestyle and have had experiences with jealousy and the pitfalls of your spouse being with other sexual partners. But even then, when I went to my wife and suggested a totally new arrangement (as it was when we started our poly relationship), had she said no... that would have meant no. As far as I'm concerned, being in a long term mono relationship and then suddenly declaring yourself poly without your partner's consent is nothing more than extremely honest cheating.

Obviously, that's not your case. Your husband DID go along with it. Should he be bound by a decision he regrets but made out of love for you? Should he get a grace period within which to say "no, this isn't working, we need to go back to the way things where?"

These are hard questions, and not ones I know the answer to. I know that six months changes things. In the beginning, had Curls decided not to go along with our idea of polyamory, Freckles and I would have remained friends and occasional fuck-buddies and that's all. Things have changed since then, though. Freckles is ingrained in our lives now, and her presence isn't something we could easily erase (nor would we want to.)

Was your husband wrong to let it go on so long if he didn't want it? I don't know that either... all I can hope is that counseling helps, because there aren't a lot of good options.
 
Some people seriously think that coercion into polyamory, a reluctant yes, dropping a huge bombshell and then expecting someone to scramble to pick up the pieces, is as good as any yes. It's not unreasonable for someone in a previously mono relationship to very much resent opening it or even being asked to consider it and to withdraw consent at anytime. You don't have the right to just decide you're poly and do it when you're in a relationship with someone who wants monogamy. I know it might be helpful to believe you have the right to express yourself as you wish but polyamory with a reluctant mono partner, especially opening a monogamous relationship, makes the poly person a huge arsehole
 
london said:
Some people seriously think that coercion into polyamory, a reluctant yes, dropping a huge bombshell and then expecting someone to scramble to pick up the pieces, is as good as any yes. It's not unreasonable for someone in a previously mono relationship to very much resent opening it or even being asked to consider it and to withdraw consent at anytime. You don't have the right to just decide you're poly and do it when you're in a relationship with someone who wants monogamy. I know it might be helpful to believe you have the right to express yourself as you wish but polyamory with a reluctant mono partner, especially opening a monogamous relationship, makes the poly person a huge arsehole
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I completely disagree. You have the right. Agreements, compromise, empathy these are all hallmarks to a good relationship. The mono partner has just as much responsibility to work with the circumstances as the poly partner. Relationships are two way. I hate it that so many people view a mono relationship as being a sort of lock where once it starts nothing should ever change after that. And if anything should change then the whole thing needs to fall apart or the lock should shatter instead of simply being opened.
 
Knowing what i know now, both me and my husband made some mistakes starting this. For his part: i think he was just hoping that it was a small experience i wanted/needed and that is why he didn't realy strongly protest. Also, at first it felt like it was mostly sexual. I think he could accept that more easy than a real relationship. And i didn't predict the future, i didn't know we were going in this direction at that time. For me, i guess him not realy protesting was the easy way and i should have talked/listened more. I can talk easy, i can overrule him without that being my intention. But, that maybe is one of the cracks we now discover. Not talking enough.
The problem is that we are in this situation right now. It is good to realise what we did wrong, so i understand the comments made by people here. On the other hand: i realy am struggling how to go on from this point. We are here, because of what we did and didn't do. But this is what it is.

As said before: yes i totally agree on feelings not being something u cannot influence. Ofcourse, if i stop seeing him i can get over him. Eventualy. Both of them. I think love and hurt is something that can pass, just as much as you can make it grow. I am not acting like a turtle on his back: ,,this happened to me without me being able to do anything about it". Ofcourse i can, i totally agree. The problem is i feel a LOT of resistance thinking about letting one of them go. I love myself with my husband and i love myself with the boyfriend. So obviously i could make a choice of stop seeing one of them and than suck it up, deal with it. But for me it feels like losing a part of myself. Losing a development, i feel is good for me but also for us. So everytime i think i should decide one way or the other i feel so strongly that i can't.

My husband told me he shouldn't make me decide but make up his own mind. Fir this moment i fear a divorce. It makes me so scared, but i try to trust counseling. The cracks in our relationship are there. From day one. So i hope truely we can find a good solution.
 
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