Husband want me to chose between him and my bf

I feel for you. My hubby never asked me to choose. He tolerated poly. He dealt with it as long as he could, but when he decided enough was enough, he left about 72 hours later. It took moving the ocean to get him to return. He did not threaten divorce. He told me what he could not and would not be part of: a mono/poly marriage. He hired attorneys and removed the choice from my hands. I started believing he was wrong for wanting something different. How utterly stupid. Even our then four year old and nine month old children were not enough to keep him from walking away. If your husband leaves, it may be a good thing because it will give him time to think without your influence or pressure from you or anyone.

I posed the question, but at what point does the mono spouse get to say, "This is not working. I am unhappy," without being told that they are the problem and should leave? Yes, your husband agreed, but how many times have we all realised that something was not quite what we wanted after the fact? I hope you are going to counselling with the intent of working on your marriage and not trying to sell him on poly. Fix those cracks. Was there ever any passion in your marriage?

A relationship is a two-way street, but you have to have empathy. You are caught up on him reneging on promises he made with no experience. What did you promise in your vows? Was being poly part of those vows? If not, then he could easily argue that a poly marriage is not what you promised or what he signed up for. Same argument with different and valid points. You have to look at things from his perspective and vice versa. This poly thing is a new facet of you, and he is not sure he can embrace that. Change is inevitable. No one is refuting that, but changing one's hair colour and opening a marriage are not in the same arena.

For example my husband promised me i could build on both our relationship as the relationship with my boyfriend. I told him often not to let me go this far with my emotions if he didn't intent on letting me build with the boyfriend too. He said i could do that, even go to be with him for a week. Now, after, i feel like he had hope that i would come back, convinced i should be with only him. He said always he would never put me in the point of forcing to chose. But he does.
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Let me call it like I see it. He promised unrealistic things for a newbie. How was he going to know when you had went too far with YOUR emotions? Some people fall in love in days or weeks. Judging by that, he should have said something in the first few days or weeks. You do not have control of your emotions, so how was he was going to promise to stop you before you got in too deep?

He let you build on the relationship. He probably sincerely meant that he would never force you to choose, but have you considered that your behaviour might have triggered it? Imagine if he was trying to spend quality time with you, but you were wrapped up in texting or on Skype with the boyfriend. Let's up the ante. Let's say he had a bad day at work, wanted to talk to you, but you could not spare the time because you were too engaged in a conversation with the other man. How would that make you feel? If he feels like you are neglecting him or putting the other man before him, is it out of the realm of possibility that he might have asked you to choose to get your attention? I see that it got your attention. Have you sat down, asked him what he needs, dislikes about this dynamic, or if he has any solutions to solve the issues at hand? Maybe he feels like you are still not listening and hearing him out. Work on improving communication in therapy.

I do hope it works out for you. I know it is hard.
 
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Yes what u say is all true. And even though my post (especially about the feeling they lie to me) make it look like i don't understand, but i do. I understand this is confronting my husband with a lot. (Me too) We were always more 'friendly' than passionate together. But him seeing me kind of addicted to another is diffecult. I understand that. Also i am sure there were times when i tried to find good balance but didn't find it. I had the schedule of him, my bf and myself. My husband had wishes like: not show this contact to the children and don't confront me. My bf wished to see me at night cause of the job. But my life is children-work and at night my husband is always home. So that was kind of impossible. During the search for a good solution that not only included their wishes but also mine, i lost balance. And yes that is hard for my husband. And my mistake.
On the other hand, i realy need to work on the things already there in our relationship cause i feel like i don't take time away from my husband, it is only confronting to see what we do and don't share. Before the boyfriend we also didn't realy share. We lived together, happy, but not realy together. He isn't realy the talking kind of man. So we could spend a whole summer without even one time spending an evening in the garden together. As i explained, our mariage is calm, respectful, sweet, friendship-like with sex. I always realised that, no problem, a good family. Picture perfect, 3 children, nice home, nice jobs, 2 Cats'... :) But now my husband sees the passion he feels like he is missing out. And i totally agree, i understand that. For me it would be perfect, having my calm, intelligent, sweet husband in my life and also the passionate, intens (both positive and negative) boyfriend. It is both what i want and like. But my husband now, wants to have both too, but than all with me. I wish to give him that, but in 13 years i never found a way to give him that. That is why polyamory sounds logical. Ofcourse you cannot find everything in one person. Me, i think this helps me focus even more on the good things i find in my husband. I don't try to change him into a man who does everything i want and need. Also with the boyfriend. I can realy agree on the fact that loving more is normal and the fact that it is ok to love different kind of love, that it is ok to have different kind of romances. But i totally understand his believes, his feelings. I used to have the same. So i do understand him.

As the counselor suggested: accepting the differences... It is good (but diffecult!!!!)
 
The mono partner has just as much responsibility to work with the circumstances as the poly partner.
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No, they don't. They don't have to accommodate your needs just as you don't have to accommodate theirs. The mono person isn't under any more obligation to proceed with a non monogamous relationship than a poly person is obliged to continue monogamy. And, as I said, the mono person is under considerably less obligation when the relationship was monogamous to begin with.

If they try, you should be grateful, if they fail and need to back out, you should be apologising for nailing on the original terms of your relationship. Doesn't mean you revert to monogamy, but you acknowledge that you lulled them into a relationship with one set of terms and then drastically changed those terms resulting in the end of that relationship. That's what you apologise for.
 
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Hoyam, I empathize with your pain. I hear you saying your marriage was calm, non passionate, friendly with occasional sex. You don't hang out with your h much, as you said, an entire summer could go by without sitting out in the garden together.

You found this satisfying until-- finally, passion entered your life! Even though bf is far away and you don't know him well, infatuation/love is incredibly intense. Your h saw your passion and in a loving friendly way, agreed to watch you explore it. Now, he's not so sure... your passion for your bf seems to have cause you to neglect your "friendship" with your h.

I agree, you can't put the genie back in the bottle. Even if your passionate feelings for bf don't last, given distance, trouble at home, etc., you probably want to seek this kind of life affirming passion in your life at any cost. It makes you feel more fully alive.

When my ex and I first decided to try polyamory, he promised me if it made me unhappy he'd give up his gf. Well, it did make me unhappy, and I held him to his promise, but this didn't make him stop loving her and resenting me holding him to his promise to give her up. It wasn't the only thing that finally caused us to split 8 years after he and she fell in love, but it was definitely a factor. He resented me, and his behavior to me was pretty disgusting: he stopped telling me he loved me, stopped calling me pet names, stopped kissing me, wouldn't hold my hand when we were out in public, etc.

Finally, we split. I am poly (his gf was supposed to be our gf but she turned out to not be into me) and have 2 lovers now (one of 5 years duration, one of 2 years), and am happier than I had ever been with him. He is still with that gf. He was pretty devastated when we split (despite treating me so badly before the split) but I think she is better for him than I ever was.
 
Yes magdlyn, i think u are right. It doesn't make me love my husband less but i feel i need that other kind of love also. Didn't miss it till it just walked into my life.

London, i believe in partners trying to give in a relationship. Not mono or poly, but just partners. Me, yes i started this relationship mono. And discovered poly. I cannot apologise for starting mono. I truely believes that. I also cannot apologise for feeling poly now. The only thing i can and do apologise for is my behaviour. I think it is not fair to say: you started mono, tried poly, husband doesn't want, suck it up and... Apologise to him.
So yes i can apologise for acting selfish, for acting more in my wishes than his, for every bad thing i acted as 'poly', but more from the point of view that i didn't take care of my partner enough than the fact that i suddenly discovered poly.

And yes, as somebody said: changes are normal but starting poly is more than changing the color of your hair. Very true. But unfortunately changing the colour of my hair is not what i need right now (well, also sometimes but not in this topic haha).
 
I feel like if a mono partner decides to "try" poly then they shouldn't be handing out ultiimatums to dump the new partner because it's not working for them. I tht they could say "hey, if and when your new relationship runs it's course I want us to go back to being monogamous. I don't want new partners being taken on.

They should never treat the new partner as trash, to be used then discarded.
 
I recently watched a marriage fail that could basically be summed in one partner not permitting the other to grow and change. I was in a poly vee with them although the wife and I were very close. It wasn't the poly experiment that broke their marriage - an experiment promoted by the wife - but the fact that she would not tolerate any change / growth in her husband. In her mind, he was supposed to be rock solid, unchanging, the anchor while she could do as she pleased, never being completely responsible for her own emotions or behavior.

So she was shocked when after introducing a number of new and different ideas into their marriage (all of which started long before I met them) that he grew more open, more fascinated with thinking outside of the box, more eager to try new things - different creative endeavors, see new places, etc. She regularly disapproved, until her disapproval seemed to be of him in general. He wasn't the person she married. She wasn't willing to communicate or to reach any kind of mutual understanding with who he had grown to be. She was simply angry. She wanted him to go back to being who he was before she had introduced him to these new ways of thinking.

Not possible. Nor could she accept that they'd grown in different ways, and allow the relationship to end gracefully.

So yes, one partner introducing poly to a previously mono relationship is a huge thing. It's definitely changing the agreed upon rules. That said, I've seen a number of mismatched mono relationships that were brought down without poly - a relationship where one person expects nothing in the marriage to change and the other person desires personal growth - furthering their education, travel, becoming involved in community activities. Is the one seeking personal growth changing the agreed upon rules by changing when the expectation from the partner is that they won't? Where does one draw the line?

It seems obvious to draw it where we are stepping outside of societal norms. But maybe that is just societal bias.
 
bookbug said:
I recently watched a marriage fail that could basically be summed in one partner not permitting the other to grow and change. I was in a poly vee with them although the wife and I were very close. It wasn't the poly experiment that broke their marriage - an experiment promoted by the wife - but the fact that she would not tolerate any change / growth in her husband. In her mind, he was supposed to be rock solid, unchanging, the anchor while she could do as she pleased, never being completely responsible for her own emotions or behavior.

So she was shocked when after introducing a number of new and different ideas into their marriage (all of which started long before I met them) that he grew more open, more fascinated with thinking outside of the box, more eager to try new things - different creative endeavors, see new places, etc. She regularly disapproved, until her disapproval seemed to be of him in general. He wasn't the person she married. She wasn't willing to communicate or to reach any kind of mutual understanding with who he had grown to be. She was simply angry. She wanted him to go back to being who he was before she had introduced him to these new ways of thinking.

Not possible. Nor could she accept that they'd grown in different ways, and allow the relationship to end gracefully.

So yes, one partner introducing poly to a previously mono relationship is a huge thing. It's definitely changing the agreed upon rules. That said, I've seen a number of mismatched mono relationships that were brought down without poly - a relationship where one person expects nothing in the marriage to change and the other person desires personal growth - furthering their education, travel, becoming involved in community activities. Is the one seeking personal growth changing the agreed upon rules by changing when the expectation from the partner is that they won't? Where does one draw the line?

It seems obvious to draw it where we are stepping outside of societal norms. But maybe that is just societal bias.
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very good observation.

It's hard to leave a relationship when there is no bad guy to blame such as your spouse or your spouse's lover . I wonder if there will ever be a time where poly is so accepted and mainstream that people would view it as a silly reason to end the marriage . As it stands now its so easy for this husband to leave his wife and blame her and her lover for everything rather than taking any responsibility of his own. He will get sympathetic pats on the back and she will get angry scowls of disapproval.
 
Well that last part, yes that is my fear. I have told my sister recently. I told her i needed to share, cause we were going thrue a diffecult time, which i normally would share with her. Also feeling the good emotions, my new love, i would normally share with her. So that's why i decided i would let her know what has been going on for months now. She tried to react normal, but within a few days she insisted on talking to my husband and 'took his side'. I hate that, cause by acting that way she inforces the idea that there is a side to take. For me, my husband and i are both in, we are both struggling with a new situation. But she is 'helping' him by telling him to be strong in not giving in to me. I think she means well, but obviously we need to give in to each other if we want a relationship of giving and taking. Anyhow, if my own sister reacts this way i can only imagine how 'the rest of the world' will be unkind/judgemental/critical about me. I am sure if we would be honest about the reason for a divorce most people would be against me. And for me, maybe i deserve it (i think not, cause i never intended to hurt anybody, but who am i to say?). But for my husband and for my kids i wouldn't like it. I think they wouldn't benefit from people jeugdig their mother and (ex-) wife.

About room to grow. I think my husband is more than me used to living as expected. His family for example doesn't like changes at all. Also they avoid every confrontation possible. But, i think he is willing to think and live more like that, only it is very diffecult for him. For thinking outside the box he has to come from far. Unlike the situation described with the woman saying no to everything, i think my husband wanted to try. Yes he was mostly negative in his way of speaking, he says more no than yes, but i think it is realy because he can't say yes, not cause he is trying to stop me from growing. Problem is not his intention but his ability.
 
Hoyam,

One of your last posts said you fear your husband may be deciding on divorce. You've got a full range of opinions here, but you know your husband better than anyone posting. And none of us have heard from him or his side of things.
You mentioned that you could certainly get over your boyfriend if necessary and that you thought your husband was OK with the sex part with you being with others. I dont think he is ever going to accept this particular partner of yours because he associates him with you running rough shod over him. If you are correct in your assessment, if you cool things down and accept that you messed it up with this guy then if you are right he might accept others. of course, I dont believe that for a minute, because if you both compromised by doing that you would not be on the verge of divorce over the poly thing.
He tried it for eight months, why dont you try to be without it for eight months. Yes it might be painful but maybe you might better understand the pain he is feeling.
There is an old saying to "trust you gut". If you have the feeling your husband is going to divorce you you are probably right. And if this is jammed down his throat as either take it or leave it, even if he buckles in the short term, you two will never last. You just have to decide if that is what you want. I don't think he will be sold by a so called '"poly friendly counselor" He will probably regard it as a set up to put him in front of a therapist that already is predisposed to your point of view.

Good luck
 
I realy understand what you say. My heart is screaming NOOOOOO when i read what you write, but rationally i can understand your opinion.

About counselor: it is a normal, well educated therapist who knows more about polyamory. There was another counselor, i first asked, but she was only known with polyamory. My husband and i decided this man was better. He treats people and couples and one of the things he is known with is polyamory. He is just a normal therapist. He made it very clear to both of us he doesn't know the outcome. He made it very clear he is not pro or anti. He just wants to help us find the right solution for us, in which we can both be happy. And i am happy that he is known with poly cause it helps both my husband and me. He understand both our struggle.
 
Ugh, Hoyam, I hope you can ignore some of the borderline hostile negativity and criticism that is being tossed your way by a certain member here. It sounds like you and your husband are communicating and doing what you feel is necessary to work on what needs to be worked on. It's always a good sign when a partner is willing to talk and let a professional third party give their views. Hang in there.
 
It's hard to remember sometimes; change happens in all relationships. Mono relationships end at a rate higher than 50%.
Stands to reason,that poly relationships do as well.

That said, no, opening a relationship isn't the same level of change as coloring your hair.
However; having a partner go through a sudden accident that leaves them paralyzed from the neck down is catastrophic-and we don't assume that "just leave them" is a reasonable reaction to that. Even though it can create all sorts of debilitating changes for the couple JUST LIKE opening a relationship can.

I don't condone ultimatums. Either direction. They are conversation stoppers. They break down intimacy. They destroy trust.

At the same time; it's important to remember, that there are unspoken ultimatums that are just as damaging as spoken ones.

I won't stop loving someone because someone else has a temper tantrum and issues an ultimatum.
But; reasonable (meaning-stated respectfully and honestly, openly) requests to work with them (even if what they want seems unreasonable) are absolutely necessary.

Both people (or all people) in the relationship, need to be willing to make concessions.

The "do not date another" is VAGUE and leaves all sorts of cracks to slip through.

The conversation needs to be more structured.
"This specific action bothers me.." "I feel neglected when.." "I need x amt of time a week" "I am not willing to share.... "

Specific, concrete actions. Not vague umbrella terms.

I have a platonic friendship with a man I've been close to for.. well almost 30 years. We make dates once or twice a month to go for a walk or have lunch or whatever. We don't have sex. We do hug. We periodically share a kiss on the cheek. We TALK about sex all of the time.

Maca refers to him as my "nonsexual boyfriend" because we don't HAVE sex together. But he's OBVIOUSLY more than "just a friend".

There are SO MANY different levels of a relationship and so many offshoots a relationship can take.

Your husband is hurting. He needs some empathy for his pain. But he also needs to "get down and dirty" with himself and establish his PRECISE needs and wants so he can express them specifically to you and you can actually work together towards figuring out
IF you can maintain your marriage AND meet both your needs and his or if you need to make changes.

We lived apart (3 different times) for over a year. We still dated each other 2 of those times. We didn't divorce. We still co-parented.
But just having that additional space away from each other allowed each of us to really focus on what we personally as individuals needed-so we COULD communicate to one another.

It's so easy to say "I don't want to be...." or "I can't be...." But poly/mono, these are broad umbrella terms that leave so much to be ironed out in your head and when TWO or more heads are involved-that creates miscommunication.

Maca NEEDS a personal space no other man enters without HIS permission.
I NEED to know my clothing isn't going to be loaned out to someone else without MY permission (yes I am serious).
I NEED to know my kids aren't going to be socializing with anyone who isn't fully respectful of ALL of their parents.
I NEED space to myself.
Maca NEEDS sex a certain amount of the time.
I NEED cuddle time a certain amount of the time.

One of his big reasons for not being willing to be poly-was his fear that if I got sex somewhere else, there wouldn't be enough for him. But-what he said was "NO FUCKING WAY AM I DOING POLY".
When he got off his high horse of "vague broad statements" and said he was afraid I wouldn't want sex as often as he needed it; I pointed out to him, that I had been having an affair-and I STILL always want sex more than he does.... He had a pre-conceived idea that "wives stop wanting sex". He wasn't actually considering ME and OUR relationship. There's never been an issue with me wanting sex less than him. There HAS been an issue with me being incapable of performing due to medical issues-but in that circumstance, I'm not performing AT ALL.

You two need to address specifics.
You say you feel more passion with bf. What is "passion". What are the CONCRETE actions that you need-which he fulfills.
 
nycindie said:
Ugh, Hoyam, I hope you can ignore some of the borderline hostile negativity and criticism that is being tossed your way by a certain member here. It sounds like you and your husband are communicating and doing what you feel is necessary to work on what needs to be worked on. It's always a good sign when a partner is willing to talk and let a professional third party give their views. Hang in there.
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Thanks a lot!
 
Thanks lovingradiance. I have been trying, together with the husband to talk in terms of needs. Sometimes conversations like that were succesful. Sometimes i noticed that he started focussing on the what and the why about the boyfriend and started comparing. Than the next step was him trying to act more like what i want from the boyfriend or me thinking he was acting more like what i want from the boyfriend. That was killing for our relationship. Also sometimes we discovered we had needs that we couldn't find with each other. Shocking, not realy, but having those facts on the table was kind of diffecult.
I understand the part of talking about needs, but it is not as easy as it sounds.! But i hope the counselor can help us with that.
 
I truly hope that everything works out for you and that therapy can bring some kind of resolution.

A few months ago, I was where you are. My husband and I opened up to poly over last spring. He started dating his ex wife. I started dating my husband's brother. Yep, quite the unique situation so I know some of that was a factor. When hubby's gf broke up with him (but she was still living with us because they share kids together) he suddenly became not okay with poly and not okay with me dating his brother. he issued ultimatums.

We're now getting divorced and I'm not with either of them. Well, I live with two roommates, one of them the brother.

If I could go back, I would do exactly the same thing. But my situation is probably different from yours. My husband was mentally and physically abusive. Still... I loved him. I miss him. I wish things could have been different.

Therapy worked for us for a while. And I hope that it will work well for you, being that you are not (I hope) in an abusive situation. It is so hard when someone starts issuing ultimatums or says they don't want to be poly anymore. There are feelings involved from all sides. I wish you the best. Truly.
 
LovingRadiance said:
However; having a partner go through a sudden accident that leaves them paralyzed from the neck down is catastrophic-and we don't assume that "just leave them" is a reasonable reaction to that. Even though it can create all sorts of debilitating changes for the couple JUST LIKE opening a relationship can.
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Generally speaking, no, we don't. However, my grandmother was a staunch believer in 'til death do us part and that the only legal and righteous reason to divorce was the biblical reason - infidelity of the spouse and abandonment of the family unit. She and my grandfather divorced for that reason, with the church's blessing when my mother was 4. Yet this highly religious woman advocated that I leave my husband when he had a rare reaction to a drug the Army was testing on him; had a psychotic break and a chemical imbalance in the brain left him with Bipolar II. My grandmother who adored my husband and thought he was the son-in-law she'd always wanted, encouraged me to leave my husband at a time when he needed me most. It's still hard for me to fathom and she's been dead for almost 5 years.
 
Hoyam said:
But now my husband sees the passion he feels like he is missing out. And i totally agree, i understand that. For me it would be perfect, having my calm, intelligent, sweet husband in my life and also the passionate, intens (both positive and negative) boyfriend. It is both what i want and like. But my husband now, wants to have both too, but than all with me. I wish to give him that, but in 13 years i never found a way to give him that. That is why polyamory sounds logical. Ofcourse you cannot find everything in one person. Me, i think this helps me focus even more on the good things i find in my husband. I don't try to change him into a man who does everything i want and need. Also with the boyfriend. I can realy agree on the fact that loving more is normal and the fact that it is ok to love different kind of love, that it is ok to have different kind of romances. But i totally understand his believes, his feelings. I used to have the same. So i do understand him.
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Have you considered the possibility that a large portion of the problem that your husband is having stems from exactly what you wrote above? Your husband is seeing things from a totally mono point of view... so despite you trying to spend time with him and divide your attention equally, you aren't giving him the type of attention that he's really looking for. He wants the type of passion and 'newness' to your relationship that you are heaping on your boyfriend, but instead he feels he's being treated as a doormat who gives you financial stability, emotional support, child rearing, etc... while you get to go have fun with your boyfriend. That's a HUGE communication issue, though. If that really IS where he's coming from, he needs to address that issue instead of projecting this gripe onto your and your bf's relationship.
 
Apologising to him doesn't mean you are submitting to monogamy, it's acknowledging that your change of heart severely changed your relationship. That's a huge thing. Acknowledging the enormity of the impact your change of heart has had and will continue to have on him is just being decent. It's being accountable for your actions and the consequences your actions have on other people
 
Yes eclipse, we start to notice that our opinions are just opposite. At first we were trying this and it was not as obvious as now, from both sides. But now it seems clear. That's why the first start from this counselor is: ,,accepting we have different opinions". Diffecult!!!!

JadeDoor, my husband is so kind and sweet. No far from abusive! Lucky me, cause i think it is complex enough as it is.

London, i feel much guilt and shame. I think i show it to my husband. Maybe not enough but i do show it. And i truely feel sorry for hurting him. He is the sweetest man i know and i don't want to hurt him at all. Maybe i should show it to him a lot more, that is true. But i think i am not the only one responsable for this relationship. He has ownership in this situation as well as i do.
 
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